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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DH is leaving after more than 20 years.

161 replies

user1488723505 · 05/03/2017 14:35

He has told me today. There are loads of things he wants to do with his life. I am holding him back apparently. I have mobility issues. I asked if there's anything I can do to make him stay. Even begged him. I love him so much. We have so much history together and he's throwing it away. Kids are grown with their own lives and just when we can start living ours he has thrown it away. We have had problems in the past with his infidelity ( 18+ years ago) and I gave him another chance. Everything seemed to be ok. Now this has happened. I guess I'm asking AIBU to think I can change his mind or even should I try? He swears there's no one else but he wants to do stuff I can't do without feeling guilty and he can't if we're still together. Please help me make sense of this.

OP posts:
RedAndYellowPeppers · 06/03/2017 08:56

I have to say I'm a bit at loss as to why the OP's DH is a coward.
He doesn't have an affair as far as we know.
He has made a review of his life and is basically saying that he can't cope with it anymore because he is torn apart between feeling guilty to do his own things and having fun and wanting and needing to do those things before he can't ever do them anymore.
Yes age has an impact on that too. You won't be climbing the same mountains when you are 70yo than when you are 40yo.

OP I'm sorry. My activities are also very restricted due to ill health and finding the balance between my needs and the ones of my DH is hardwork, for both of us.
It's also hard to not put guilt onto DH when he goes away to do his own things and I'm left at home AGAIN
It's hard to push him to do things he enjoys and I can't be doing anymore because I know he needs it. And to do that when these were the things I loved.
Personally, I found that I have push my own needs down right at the bottom of the pile. So DH and the dcs get plenty of time to what they enjoy and I'm completely forgotten about.
I get the feeling youR DH felt things were the other way around for him. With or without good reasons btw.

I don't think you can't stop him from going.
I also suspect that he still loves you but can't cope with the life he has now. Not everyone copes well with a partner who is ill or has reduced mobility. Not when you know this will be your life until death us do part.
Please go and see a lawyer to protect yourself.
Also go and see a counsellor. You need to talk about your relationship, how it broke down and the effect of your disability on your life.

Laiste · 06/03/2017 08:57

I'm so sorry OP. No begging, no pleading. Let him go.

I agree with iItalian. DH and i made marriage vows to be faithful (ie not cheat) and to stay while love still lasts. Not stay no matter what. Both of us have previously been unhappy in long term relationships and this felt right.

In the 20 years spanning your 20s to 40s a person can change a lot. Change into a person who's just not for you anymore Flowers

Laiste · 06/03/2017 08:58

FlowersFlowersFlowers OP

Roomster101 · 06/03/2017 09:14

What a selfish bastard. Perhaps it is evil of me but I can't help that but hope that Karma bites him on the bum and that in a few years time you are more healthy than he is.
Whatever happens, you are better off without him. You can find someone who appreciates you as you are. Take care and make sure that you concentrate on doing what is best for you.

Foslady · 06/03/2017 09:37

The OP's husband is a coward for putting all the blame on her and her mobility issues. If he'd have said that the marriage wasn't working any more, that they'd grown apart then I think most of us can understand that, but he's refusing to accept personal responsibility by blaming the OP for circumstances out of her control. It's bad enough hearing 'I don't want to be with you anymore', but to then place all blame on the other person due to their health issues is wrong

TheFirstMrsDV · 06/03/2017 10:01

He is a coward because he is blaming the OP for holding him back and that is rubbish.

If he wants to climb a mountain he can do that.

Its like me blaming OH because I am not a rock star. Leaving him to 'pursue my dreams' and then finding out I can't sing or play the guitar.

grannytomine · 06/03/2017 10:02

I don't see where it says he blames her. The fact is he can't cope with her mobility issues, she says the mobility issues are a fact so he is just stating a fact. Some people can cope and some can't I don't see blame on either side. It is very sad.

Roomster101 · 06/03/2017 10:11

I totally disagree with you grannytomine. By blaming her mobility issues he is blaming something about her which she can do nothing about. Assuming he is not her carer, I also have very little sympathy with him if he finds it hard to "cope" with the fact that OP can't fly long haul, climb mountains or go to festivals due to mobility issues. Try being the one with mobility issues and then see how easy it is to "cope"!

cowgirlsareforever · 06/03/2017 10:15

I agree with it being hard for the person with the disability but being a carer is unbelievably hard. I would never criticise a person who couldn't cope with it.

minipie · 06/03/2017 10:17

I agree with granny. He's not blaming her, because he's not saying the mobility issues are her fault. He's just saying they are there and he doesn't want to live with their effects. In a sense that is even worse though, as it means he's leaving her for something she has no control over. Shitty shitty thing to do.

(I am a "for better or worse" person mind you. I do think you're supposed to stay with your spouse if they get sick in some way, even if that sickness is "holding you back". Otherwise what kind of person are you FFS?)

minipie · 06/03/2017 10:18

But he's not her carer cowgirl.

pudcat · 06/03/2017 10:22

He swears there's no one else but he wants to do stuff I can't do without feeling guilty and he can't if we're still together
But he doesn't feel guilty about leaving you forever. This is pure selfishness. I won't say what I would like to happen to him next time he climbs a mountain and might need looking after. So sorry for you OP. Make sure you don't lose out in all this. Wonder what his activity friends think of him.

cowgirlsareforever · 06/03/2017 10:24

I think carer is hard to define especially as a lot of carers don't class themselves as such. The broader point that I am making is that having a disabled DP I wouldn't judge anybody who can't cope with the challenges that brings. Obviously a lot of people are happy to judge such people. That, by the way, doesn't mean that I am any less sympathetic to the OP.

Roomster101 · 06/03/2017 10:31

I agree with it being hard for the person with the disability but being a carer is unbelievably hard. I would never criticise a person who couldn't cope with it.

Why do you assume he is a carer just because she has mobility issues.

cowgirlsareforever · 06/03/2017 10:35

I'm speaking broadly about the issue Roomster I am not my DP's carer but my life is different in a million ways to people who don't have a disabled partner. I'm OK with that but I can totally understand why others would find it hard to manage.

Roomster101 · 06/03/2017 10:37

I think carer is hard to define especially as a lot of carers don't class themselves as such.

I have mobility issues but that doesn't mean DH is my carer!! I work, drive, do housework ie. am totally capable of looking after myself. Nothing OPs has suggested that she is any different.

The broader point that I am making is that having a disabled DP I wouldn't judge anybody who can't cope with the challenges that brings. Obviously a lot of people are happy to judge such people. That, by the way, doesn't mean that I am any less sympathetic to the OP.*

You don't know that he has any "challenges" apart from having to climb mountains etc without OP. OP is the one with the challenges, not him.

Roomster101 · 06/03/2017 10:40

My heart doesn't exactly bleed for you cowgirlsareforever but perhaps that is because I am someone with disabilities and know which position I would rather be in.

ImageQueen · 06/03/2017 10:44

Big hugs.
Xxxxx

Original poster
user1488723505 · 06/03/2017 10:48

He's not my carer. I don't need one. I'm not registered disabled but I suffer from fibromyalgia and arthritis in my joints especially in my ankles. I don't have crutches or anything and if you saw me you wouldn't think I had any physical disabilities. I just can't keep up with him and I can't walk or stand for long periods of time. I know my limitations. Last year he decided to get fit and has gone a bit crazy on it loosing 3 stone going to a personal trainer (woman) Hmm and going to the gym. He is in his 50s. All this talk of another woman makes me wonder if it's her. I need to find out her name and -stalk- see if she's on facebook.

OP posts:
RedAndYellowPeppers · 06/03/2017 10:54

I'm sure what is the point of trying to guesss who has it the hardest between a career and someone who is disabled or chronically ill.
Confused
It's not a competition fgs!!

RedAndYellowPeppers · 06/03/2017 10:56

Xpost

It could well be OP or ot could be that doing all that 'getting fit' has reminded him of all the things he is missing out on and he has grown ressentful (I've seen that with my own DH).

I do hope you find some sort of answers.
In the mean time, getting a lawyer still sound a like a sound advice.

cowgirlsareforever · 06/03/2017 10:59

I don't care that your heart doesn't bleed for me Roomster because I don't need your sympathy.
All I have said is that I wouldn't judge anybody who can't cope with a disabled partner. It isn't a case of who has it harder. It is hard for both parties.

Loopytiles · 06/03/2017 11:02

I too suspect an OW, or that he wants OW.

Whatever his motivation for ending the relationship, best to behave with pride IMO and, if possible, seek to separate money and housing asap, get legal advice and cut off contact. He needs to experience the reality of you not being in a relationship with / available to him.

I would try to ignore his hurtful words: people say some horrible things and have a self-serving "script" to justify decisions.

TheFirstMrsDV · 06/03/2017 11:11

OFGS the op has some mobility and pain issues!
He isn't her carer.
This is no different from someone leaving because they want someone younger, richer, better looking, with bigger boobs.

This is not a burned out carer wanting his life back.

Roomster101 · 06/03/2017 11:12

I'm sure what is the point of trying to guesss who has it the hardest between a career and someone who is disabled or chronically ill.

He isn't a carer. I don't think there is any need to "guess" whether it is harder not to be able to climb mountains, run and walk long distances yourself vs. being married to someone who can't do those things.