My DH is leaving after more than 20 years.

[user1488723505]

He has told me today. There are loads of things he wants to do with his life. I am holding him back apparently. I have mobility issues. I asked if there's anything I can do to make him stay. Even begged him. I love him so much. We have so much history together and he's throwing it away. Kids are grown with their own lives and just when we can start living ours he has thrown it away. We have had problems in the past with his infidelity ( 18+ years ago) and I gave him another chance. Everything seemed to be ok. Now this has happened. I guess I'm asking AIBU to think I can change his mind or even should I try? He swears there's no one else but he wants to do stuff I can't do without feeling guilty and he can't if we're still together. Please help me make sense of this.

Sounds like your better off without him.

A couple of years ago I was a home carer. I had to visit a woman,only in her late thirties, who was terminally ill with cancer. She lived with her DH and two young children. The cunt (never use that word lightly) was having an affair, and DW had long since guessed. Awful for her to know she didn't have long to go and her beautiful children would be brought up by a spineless bastard.

Another time whilst working in a care home, a gentleman brought his wife to us for long term care. His wife was very well off,he paid for her first month of care then pissed off to the US with his much younger OW. He took all DW money, and never contacted her again. Dementia was a blessing in this case.

😠

I'm sorry you've had such a shock, OP.

Unlike some, I don't believe it is necessarily wrong of him to end the marriage if he is genuinely unhappy (as opposed to a midlife crisis), although would have been better to admit his unhappiness earlier and see if there was any mileage in working to improve the relationship. I would say the same if it had been OP who was ending the marriage as she was unhappy.

What was utterly shitty of him was to blame it on your mobility problems and turn it into "your fault". That isn't fair. He should have been honest about his reasons, then at least you'd have the truth, however unpalatable.

I genuinely don't think any of us can know if there is an OW, but I would suggest it is a possibility.

I agree with previous PP, stay calm and get a decent solicitor. Make sure you have a list of your joint and individual assets. Once you've spoken to a solicitor you will have more of an idea about where to go from here and what you should be entitled to. Good luck!

AlmostaJillsandwich By asking him to stay you're asking him to give up aspirations and dreams for good and settle for a life that clearly isn't enough for him.

The marriage vows aren't just about sickness and health - they are for better and for worse as well. I've had to give up aspirations and dreams in my marriage - but hey, that's what life is about - making compromises and finding a way to get through so that both partners are happy but still together.

Shakespeare sums it up for me with this:
“Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
O no, it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand'ring bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Circumstances change, dh has changed, I have changed, but he is still the man I fell in love with 32 years ago, and apart from adultery, there isn't much that would make me leave him, and it would be the height of cruelty to leave him for the reasons the OPs husband is putting forward.

Can't read and run

OP, please do take on board all of the fantastic advice you've already been given on here. Vitally the fact that he is no longer your friend - it can be impossible to wrap your head round that fact overnight, but it really is fundamental or else you will get screwed over twice. Firstly by this, rank and uber bloody low, behaviour and then secondly settlement wise.

Also vital is please please PLEASE do NOT play the 'pick me' dance. He has already mentally checked out (I concur with others that is there is an OW in the frame somewhere here ) and you will simply destroy your self-respect and dignity if you beg him to not leave. And he will not listen to you anyway (see aforementioned already checked out:/)

Get a SHL, cease all normal married things, remember he is not your friend, gather as much RL support as you can.

Thinking of you

Hey OP, Really sorry to hear you're having such a rough time at the moment. I agree with the others who've posted that now is the time to be strong and get organised but I also wanted to add that now's the time to think about what you want. What would make you happy? What are your dreams and inspirations? Don't forget you matter too. I think figuring out what you want and what makes you happy will really help you find the strength to make it through the next few months. Best wishes lovely xx

He might have someone else but he might not. It isn't always easy being a carer, I've been one for 25 years. My husband has mobility issues, somedays I could scream as we bumble along at a snails pace, sometimes I get fed up with being the one who has to sort things out because he can't physically do it. I don't blame him, I don't stop loving him because of it but it is hard.

I agree granny, being a carer is hard. IMHO it is especially if you are caring for a spouse. Although in this case I don't think the OPs DH did any caring for her, so perhaps not so relevant?

My mum is my DF's carer and it is hard, her needs and wants always seem to take a back seat because the situation. She has to do the majority of the every day drudgery- but has limited time for "the fun things". I know she loves him, but don't think she is in love with him anymore, which I can understand as their relationship is very different from how it was and how they had planned for their lives. I know she doesn't blame him, but at times does feel resentful about the situation. I think I would feel the same in that situation- being physically well and wanting to be active/out doing fun and interesting things but can't because your life completely and totally dominated by another person. It's not so much of a partnership anymore. I don't think I would entirely blame her if she did have "another man" who provided companionship, romance and so on.

As I said, I don't think this is directly relevant to OP's situation as it sounds like she is pretty independent and not reliant on her DH, despite her mobility problems.

scaryteacher I don't agree to your views on marriage. I think a marriage can end at any time for any reason. The OPs husband has (by the sound of it) been very cowardly and suggested the fault it with her, I do not feel this is fair. But i do feel a man or woman has a right to leave a marriage if they wish to.

Not having to stay, and yet choosing to, is the strength of a relationship, to me, not having to stay because of a promise made earlier.

I know that opinion will not be popular to all but i would say it to any woman or man who wanted out of their marriage.

Where I do think the OP's husband is at fault is to blame her, and also that he had affair before and she forgave him.

Bless you OP, I think ShakingAndShocked has it right, '...he is no longer your friend...'

Please make sure you have good friends around you to help support you.

The best revenge is a life lived well.

You can watch whatever you want to watch on the TV without compromise or criticism OP.
You can eat the food you like whenever you like, you no longer have to accommodate his likes in any way whatsoever.
You can go to bed when you like, lay in at weekends if you choose.
Leave the housework till you can be bothered to do it.
Read any trashy or boring book you care to, uninterrupted.
See your friends whenever you choose, take up any hobby you choose.
Accommodate no-one but yourself.

You are free.

Time to find out what your dreams are OP. What were you being held back on?

The next chapter awaits. Don't beg him to stay, that's over. Deep breath and turn the page.

I wish you every happiness.

Italiangreyhound Why bother making marriage vows then? Iirc, mine said ' til death do us part' not bail out when the going gets tough, and the relationship requires some effort. The whole point of marriage vows is that you try to maintain them every day, and you accept that there will be rough times, but you work through them and support each other. They aren't just a 'promise made earlier', the vows are a constant basis for marriage.

I am very much a "til death do us part" person. In fact that already happened to me some years ago.

That said,I do agree with italiangreyhound that the choice should (and is) be available to walk away but it does depend on the circumstances as to when someone bails out. It's never black and white.

In the circumstances described by the OP, her H is shallow and cowardly to blame her. He is selfish for walking away from the " in sickness" commitment part of the marriage.

OP is you are reading his, I hope you are still able to rebuild your life with new horizons of your own, despite your mobility challenges.

Sorry if I didn't make sense!

the choice should be (and is) available ....

I don't believe it is necessarily wrong of him to end the marriage if he is genuinely unhappy

What Jacks has said it true - sometimes feelings change and love goes - though if respect and consideration stay, they should always be a way to work things out without either party blaming the other. It's very sad, but it happens.

I feel that in this case it has suited him up to now to have a wife at home, and now it doesn't. Perhaps he's met a woman who doesn't do "OW", and has told him - "Me or her". Perhaps he has even come into some cash and doesn't want OP to know, and doesn't intend to share it.

Whatever the reason - he is blaming OP's health. He is a tosser - she will be happier, in the long run, without him in her life making her feel as though she is second-best and dragging him down at every step - because IF he did stay, this would be thrown in her face on a daily basis - what a "favour" he is doing her by remaining. No-one needs that.

My Ddad had MS and lived with it for 40 years. For the last thirty he was in a wheelchair and for the last 10 bedfast. My mum never considered leaving him.
Op your husband is a selfish horror, tell him to go but make sure you get legal advice quickly about your entitlements.

I think that it is very common that, after years of compromises in order to set up home and raise DC, one or other of a couple gets very frustrated and wants to broaden the scope of their life. They may also want to do this with their partner and feel even more frustrated if their partner doesn't want new experiences (for whatever reason).

Another to say please don't beg or try and fix this - it's won't work

Get a lawyer , get practical and let him go . Sod's law is he will probably meander back at some stage .

Do you work OP and could afford to run a home without his financial input

So so sorry - but he showed his
Colitis when he cheated - not a loyal man

I had absolutely no idea that mumsnet felt marriage was for better and worse, through sickness and health etc. I wonder how this will play out on the relationship boards going forward. There will be a lot of very selfish women getting a roasting if this thread is anything to go by.

Get a fucking good solicitor and take everything you can. Selfish prick.

Of course he has the right to leave if he is unhappy.
I wouldn't stay with my OH just because he has MS.
But I wouldn't leave him just because he has MS either.

Women are expected to be less selfish than mean and they do get a terrible time if they walk out on a sick or disabled partner. Even if that partner has been an abusive fuckwit up until the day they fall ill. That attitude is rife here in East London.

But the OP's OH has behaved in an appalling and selfish manner regardless of who is ill or who is unhappy.

I cannot abide cowardliness.

MorrisZapp, this thread is just one of many

OP, I'm so sorry, what a shock for you

My DP has mobility issues and whilst it doesn't affect how I feel about him I would never judge anybody who couldn't cope with living with a partner with similar issues.
Having said that I do sympathise with OP and I really hope her life changes for the better when she finds herself unencumbered by a husband who doesn't want to be with her any more because of her disability.

I'm so sorry this has happened.

It sounds like absolutely classic mid-life crisis territory. He has got spooked by something, feels old, and wants to recapture his youth. How trite. How absolutely fucking textbook pathetic-middle-aged-man.

I recommend that you let him go and do these things for a bit. He'll soon realise what he has thrown away and will be back begging you to continue with the marriage. Unfortunately for him, by that time you will be so enraged by his ridiculous behaviour that you will have fallen out of love with him.

In the meantime, lawyer up, tell your family, and get a counsellor who will put your needs first.

In the meantime, lawyer up, tell your family, and get a counsellor who will put your needs firs

^This

But get a GOOD lawyer, and ASAP. Do not assume he isn't trying to screw you or hide money.

Thank you everyone. I am following your advice. It didn't help that I tried to go out in my car yesterday and crashed it reversing into my MILs car which I didn't see. I was crying so much. Totally my fault. My kids are being wonderfully supportive but it's so hard to accept their help- I'm usually the one helping them through their crises and not the other way around. I need to get my shit together.