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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if my wedding plans are REALLY enough?

509 replies

Isthismummy · 05/03/2017 10:48

Posted about this before, but really stressing about the fact that friends are STILL trying to get me to add more to the day.

Getting married in Central London in Summer. Registery office wedding at 12.45 and afterwards we will be walking ten minutes to our favourite hotel where we have booked the library for a champagne afternoon tea reception. We have the room for our exclusive use until 20.00 and husband to be and I have a room booked at same hotel for wedding night.

We're only having 18 guests. The plan was that we would have Afternoon Tea etc and people could either stay on until later with us if they wished to drink the cocktail menu dry, or go home if they'd had enough. We just want a low pressure, relaxed day.

However my bridesmaids think it is isn't enough. They originally tried to persuade us to organise a night time do somewhere else. We've now vetoed that idea and now that's changed to booking a table at a restaurant later on in the evening after hotel.

AIBU to be pissed off that they don't seem to think my plans are enough? We've got six hours exclusive use of a beautuful room at a four star hotel ffs! I appreciate some guests are travelling from North East and want to make a day of it, but it's making me feel really stressed and like my plans are inadequate in some waySad

OP posts:
Original poster
Isthismummy · 05/03/2017 13:55

Thank you OverthinkingSparticusSmile

Nobody will moan though. It's not even about the food, although this thread has become somewhat food centric. It's about carrying on the celebrations more than anything.

The afternoon tea is definitely massively substantial. Nobody will be sharing sconesGrin

OP posts:
user1484394242 · 05/03/2017 13:55

I think the very original plan was the best because that's what YOU decided. If you demote the bridesmaids (you said you didn't want them originally) the rest will fall into place.

Original poster
Isthismummy · 05/03/2017 13:55

Although I'm braced for all the northern men's " these Sarnies are a bit posh" commentsGrin

OP posts:
gincamelbak · 05/03/2017 13:56

Have you sent out the invitations yet? If not "carriages at 7pm" will tell people when it ends. Plenty time for them to get dinner on their own or as a group afterwards.

Then you can just stay at the bar with your parents and whoever afterwards and drink cocktails. The "official" end has been stated as 7pm/whatever time and then it's just a case of organically getting sozzled with whoever doesn't want to leave. Order bar food as appropriate (as host I would pay for that.)

Don't book a restaurant.

venetiaswirl · 05/03/2017 13:57

Dear OP,
Your plans sound wonderful!
I've had afternoon tea at the Chesterfield twice! We went back because it was so good. And there was plenty of food.
I think when you post on here you will always get a few who will pick at any idea - but there are enough of us who think it sounds just perfect. And as has been said upthread, this is in the middle of central London and for those who can't go for more than a couple of hours without eating, there are plenty of options for finding food when they have consumed the all the provisions they have hidden in their handbags and under their hats Grin
Enjoy your day - it sounds perfect!

Bitchycocktailwaitress · 05/03/2017 13:58

Cash bar as well then Hmm

You're right this thread is totally getting derailed. Always the same with wedding ones.

I guess the good news is we all have the opportunity to plan our own weddings exactly as we like! I'm a newly wed btw.

sodabreadjam · 05/03/2017 13:59

I'm going to a wedding later in the month that will be on from 2.30pm until after midnight - 12 to 13 hours including travel.

I wish I was going to your wedding instead - it sounds fantastic.

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 05/03/2017 13:59

I have been on your side throughout OP but I am a bit confused by you. You keep defending these people as your closet (your Freudian slip !) friends and family but it is at least one of these friends who IS causing you anxiety and DOES keep implying / outright stating criticisms of your wedding plans??

Do what you and your DH to be want to do... no one else matters.

It sounds like these close friends are trying to control everything. You need a heart to heart.

Original poster
Isthismummy · 05/03/2017 13:59

I haven't sent them out yet, but they are all done.

They just state "ceremony at 12.45 followed by afternoon tea reception"

Perhaps I could include an intinary letter with invites? That might work better than an email.

We could definitely order bar food. That's not a problem.

OP posts:
mmgirish · 05/03/2017 14:00

This thread has gotten crazy. If the guests invited don't like the sound of the OP's wedding then they don't need to attend.

I love a good afternoon tea at a nice hotel and they are very filling. If anyone is hungry after that then they can go out themselves for dinner.

As long as the OP has been clear about her plans and it sounds like she has, there shouldn't be a problem. Not all weddings are the same, this one sounds awesome.

Original poster
Isthismummy · 05/03/2017 14:03

It's not criticism Ilikebeans. They think the plan I have is lovely. It's more of a case of them thinking I should add more.

I think they think I will regret it otherwise, but it's very hard making night plans for so few guests. Yes I would love a big piss up party if we had the guests, but we don't.

It's hard to explain maybe, but I think they feel I need that big piss up/party and I'm denying myself?

I thought people would prefer things kept simple, but it turns out I was wrongHmm

OP posts:
NewPuppyMum · 05/03/2017 14:04

Have what you want. We married at 12, meal at two then we left 5-6 pm and everyone either went to PIL or home. Didn't cross our minds that people would think we hadn't given them enough of a day ShockHmm.

TheFirstMrsDV · 05/03/2017 14:05

Its sounds lovely and pretty traditional really.
If you were a vair posh gal in the 30s it is likely your wedding would look like this (if you were a massive rebel who didn't get married in a church).

Have a great day.

HandbagCrab · 05/03/2017 14:06

I defy anyone to eat a whole afternoon tea, nevermind an unlimited one! It sounds lovely and I'd do what you want, people always moan about weddings not being how they'd prefer as you can see from many posts here. If you did book a restaurant and pay it would be the wrong type/ too cheap/ too expensive/people feel obliged to stay too late etc etc.

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 05/03/2017 14:08

I think maybe your guests have just got over excited at the idea of a wedding in the big smoke and that, yes, you may be right, they think you are denying yourself. If they were that concerned - and if that were true- they could always offer to poll money to pay for something more!! As a gift to you.
But if YOU genuinely want it kept simple, they need to keep their 'helpful comments' to themselves. They sound like my mum who wanted to control my wedding : it's just a 'wedding planner' mentality but they do need to remember it's not theirs...

Tell them how you feel. They are making you anxious.

venetiaswirl · 05/03/2017 14:08

OP,
It doesn't matter what they think! It's what you and your partner want.
My memories of every expensive huge wedding I have attended hasve faded over the years. The two that I remember with the greatest fondness were small, intimate and relatively short. A perfect celebration of commitment and a relationship.

Original poster
Isthismummy · 05/03/2017 14:08

Actually bitchycocktailwaitress we are putting some money behind the bar as well as buying bottles of fizz for during/after afternoon tea.

But yes after a certain time those who stay on can pay for their own drinks. Unfortunately we're not infinitely wealthy.

Venetiaswirl. Food in bags sounds a great idea. Definitely cost effectiveGrin

OP posts:
MrsNuckyThompson · 05/03/2017 14:10

Oh god ignore them. For 18 people that is perfect!!

Original poster
Isthismummy · 05/03/2017 14:11

HandbagCrab. I'm ashamed to admit I can eat a whole afternoon tea. I may not be a frequent eater, but I can put it away when I tryGrin

Dp said same as you regarding restaurants etc. People will complain about travel, the food etc etc. Plus my dp and I are veggie so a lot of the places guests like would have rubbish options for us.

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 05/03/2017 14:11

it does sound lovely and I have sent the hotel link to my fiance :)

I think if its clear "event over at 7", then its clear to all. Most weddings i have attended have had ceremony at 12.30 and then no food until 4, weddings are notorious for food at odd times so everyone knows to have a big breakfast, take a brunch bar in your handbag or even a sneaky sarnie at coffee shop/on train beforehand.

The only ambigous thing is who is paying for the evening drinks in the hotel bar? If you are staying there with your family, people may assume you are paying for that as well? It would be clearer if you and hubby went "off" at 6.30, then the groups can do their own thing (both family sides split up, friends go off together). People may feel its a bit rude to say they are off before you have gone at this sort of shorter event.

So I'd just make sure it ends at an official time and either say everyone is welcome to join you for drinks in the hotel bar (if you want to do that and pay for it and some nibbles) or you are off and everyone doing own thing. Feels odd for Bride and Groom to spend evening with one group (her family) over another group (his family). But not odd for them to go dow their own thing.

mummytime · 05/03/2017 14:13

I'd probably drop the guests a note (there is only 18 of them), just let them know you have the Library until 8pm but they shouldn't feel obliged to stay until then. And offer to suggest restaurants in the area if they want a dinner afterwards. Making it clear you and soon to be husband will be retiring to you hotel room for a rest.

HandbagCrab · 05/03/2017 14:14

I've never been to a wedding that was inside a venue that didn't have a cash bar, I'd pay it no mind.

Original poster
Isthismummy · 05/03/2017 14:15

Burnoutbabe. Dp family won't stay late. I know they won't, so that's not a concern.

Regarding drinks later on. My family/friends wouldn't expect us to pay. That's not even a concern to be honest. If they did we'd be decamping to the nearest Wetherspoons (which we might do anywayGrin)

OP posts:
FedglingFTB · 05/03/2017 14:15

I'd say yes. It sounds lush.

The formality and trimmings of a traditional wedding would feel really forced and regimented for a group so small.

My only suggestion would be to maybe earmark a nice bar or possibly a restaurant nearby, just in case you do find yourself in the swing of things and not quite ready to call it a day after the hotel. Sounds like you'll only have a handful wanting to continue the party so hopefully you shouldn't need to tie yourself to a second booking

NewPuppyMum · 05/03/2017 14:16

@StillMedusa - your DD wedding sounds like one my friend is going too.

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