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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if my wedding plans are REALLY enough?

509 replies

Isthismummy · 05/03/2017 10:48

Posted about this before, but really stressing about the fact that friends are STILL trying to get me to add more to the day.

Getting married in Central London in Summer. Registery office wedding at 12.45 and afterwards we will be walking ten minutes to our favourite hotel where we have booked the library for a champagne afternoon tea reception. We have the room for our exclusive use until 20.00 and husband to be and I have a room booked at same hotel for wedding night.

We're only having 18 guests. The plan was that we would have Afternoon Tea etc and people could either stay on until later with us if they wished to drink the cocktail menu dry, or go home if they'd had enough. We just want a low pressure, relaxed day.

However my bridesmaids think it is isn't enough. They originally tried to persuade us to organise a night time do somewhere else. We've now vetoed that idea and now that's changed to booking a table at a restaurant later on in the evening after hotel.

AIBU to be pissed off that they don't seem to think my plans are enough? We've got six hours exclusive use of a beautuful room at a four star hotel ffs! I appreciate some guests are travelling from North East and want to make a day of it, but it's making me feel really stressed and like my plans are inadequate in some waySad

OP posts:
Astro55 · 05/03/2017 13:16

wouldnt expect dinner as well

ARumWithAView · 05/03/2017 13:17

I think the email to explain is a good idea. Since it's a small wedding, people may be self-conscious about leaving too early; it would be different if there were 200 guests, but in a party of 20 you'd worry that you were seeming rude or leaving the bride and groom in the lurch. Bitchycocktailwaitress nailed it when she said guests may misinterpret your presence until 8pm as an obligation to stay. It'll be much easier all round if they understand you're totally fine with people making their own plans after tea.

The only other thing I'd worry about is, in a group of 18 people who know you well, how do the relationships intersect? Is there going to be any awkwardness as they split away from the main event in couples or groups? I'm thinking of situations where, for example, your parents and your sibling make plans to go off together, and the bridesmaids go with them, and on leaving they feel obliged to invite your in-laws along, and then there's just a couple of people left out - or everyone goes off together, and ends up having a post-wedding meal or celebration without you.

None of this is the end of the world, or your responsibility, but it's just that size of group where it'll be obvious what everyone's doing. I think your bridesmaids are being very pushy and insensitive, but I can also sort of understand the need to remove all uncertainty by offering up clear evening plans. Don't cave in to it, but make sure everyone really understands the situation and there's no last-minute awkwardness.

Headofthehive55 · 05/03/2017 13:17

I think if there is the hope from yourselves that people will want to stay past 8pm chilling with you I think you need to organise food then. If you don't mind half your guests leaving at 6pm and you are fine with that that's ok too!
Yes to a signalled ending, but when 8pm comes and you feel like chilling longer yet others are itching to go, you might feel a bit like the wedding finished before you wanted it to?

Ilovetorrentialrain · 05/03/2017 13:18

OP is there a possibility of guests being able to order from the bar menu instead of afternoon tea? That way those who need a more substantial (and less cake-based) meal are catered for, but it's not as expensive as a sit down meal.

Personally, I'd have to take myself off for a meal mid afternoon then pop back. I'm sure everyone is capable of looking after themselves food-wise but it's nice to not have to do so.

Ilovetorrentialrain · 05/03/2017 13:20

Also I'm very sorry to say but that hotel has a dismal good hygiene score. I wouldn't eat there.

Ilovetorrentialrain · 05/03/2017 13:21

Food hygiene.

Dumdedumdedum · 05/03/2017 13:21

I think Afternoon Tea is a really special thing, particularly with a glass or two of champagne to go with it! I mean, it's not an everyday thing, I think it's a lovely way to celebrate a wedding!

Spring2016 · 05/03/2017 13:22

Your wedding plans sound wonderful to me. It all sounds very sweet and classy. It is your wedding, tell your friend (s) that you won't try to convince them to have an afternoon tea wedding when they get married if they stop trying to plan your day their way. You are the bride afterall!

haveacupoftea · 05/03/2017 13:22

I also agree that you sound rude, laughing at those who would dare to want a hot meal after a long day at a wedding. Afternoon tea is sugary stuff and your guests will need to eat later. If you want people to stay on drinking cocktails with you, you will need to give them hot food. If youre going to your room early evening then leave them to it. But expecting your guests to stay on at the hotel after 8pm and buy themselves food from the bar menu, if you're still about, is a poor show of hospitality.

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 05/03/2017 13:23

Oh amazingly helpful rain

expatinscotland · 05/03/2017 13:24

The beauty part about invitations is that, if the event is not to your tastes, you can decline! You don't have to go! So if you look up the food or the hygiene score and you don't like it, or you don't care to travel for 'just' afternoon tea, or if you're not happy you're not getting chicken and two veg, or you are unable to source food for yourself in London without someone organising it for you, you stay home!

expatinscotland · 05/03/2017 13:25

Yes, because we all know that 'hot' food has magical qualities. If you read the menu there's plenty that's not 'sugary'.

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 05/03/2017 13:26

I don't like hog roasts and very wedding I go to these days has them. I would not DREAM of saying anything to the bride. It is they who are rude.

People only need one big feed a day - we aren't field workers coming in form a day of harvest. Afternoon teas are huge as OP has repeatedly said.

I can see a situation where a hot meal decision is forced on poor OP and then no one bloody well eats it because they're stuffed.

How ridiculous.

brasty · 05/03/2017 13:27

No I am not grabby. One of the nicest weddings I went to was a service, then a picnic in a local park. Picnic probably cost less than £100.
But I have been brought up that if people are travelling from afar, you feed them.

But maybe it is just me who would not eat lots of sandwiches and cakes at 3pm. I would eat 1 sandwich and a cake. Sandwiches are lovely, but not absolutely loads of them. And I don't like filling myself up with cake.

I am older though and this would not have been acceptable for people travelling from afar for my mum or my gran either.

ladymariner · 05/03/2017 13:27

Just what I thought ketchup Hmm

Morphene · 05/03/2017 13:27

well said expat

OP you should absolutely do what you want. We had guests that found it odd we didn't do some sort of disco, but we hate discos so no thanks!

People need to try and be a whole lot less invested in other peoples weddings....

ladymariner · 05/03/2017 13:29

So you wouldn't accept the invitation then "brasty*......its not difficult.

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 05/03/2017 13:29

Also, if the guests knew they were on for a feed in the evening they might turn their noses up at the afternoon tea, which would lead to wastage and poor value for money. That also would be ridiculous.

OP loves afternoon teas ; it's her wedding. At a wedding you treat yourself to what you find special. It really isn't about the bridesmaids. I see this so often on 'Don't Tell The Bride' : sulky, graceless bridesmaids.

Morphene · 05/03/2017 13:29

you could always signpost them in the direction of a local curry place.

HarrietVane99 · 05/03/2017 13:29

Personally, I'd have to take myself off for a meal mid afternoon

But you'd be getting a meal - afternoon tea, which is the proper meal to have mid afternoon. OP is providing food appropriate for the time of day. What people do before or after that is up to them and nothing to do with her.

If I'd properly stuffed my face between 3 and 4 pm (and I have looked at the sample menus on the hotel website) I probably wouldn't want a full meal later on. Bar snacks, either at the wedding venue or elsewhere, would do me. And since I'm an adult I'm capable of making my own arrangements to eat as and when I want to.

brasty · 05/03/2017 13:30

If it is for 18 people, then they must be close people. So yes I would go, and say nothing to the Bride and Groom about it. I know how to be polite. But OP asked for opinions.

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 05/03/2017 13:31

This travelling from afar has become a bit of a red herring. Surely they are coming down at least the day before, especially if they are bridesmaids??

goose1964 · 05/03/2017 13:32

Sounds fab to me, we didn't have a formal evening do, went on a pub crawl and out for a curry with our friends

ladymariner · 05/03/2017 13:33

Exactly, op has already said most are staying over.....full English for breakfast and you're set up for the day.

HarrietVane99 · 05/03/2017 13:34

But expecting your guests to stay on at the hotel after 8pm

OP has repeatedly said she doesn't expect anything of the sort, and in fact several of the guests wouldn't like or want to stay for an evening do, which is why she has arranged things as she has.