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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to feel nothing but anger at sil **Trigger warning - distressing content - edited by MNHQ**

120 replies

Nicpem1982 · 05/03/2017 10:02

My sil and I have never been close.

This week completely out of the blue she's taken her own life, she got herself into a mess with another man and felt it was her only way out.

She's left her dh and dd alone and confused and bil is now trying to come to terms with the sudden loss of his wife and dn is 4 and now has no mummy.

All I've felt since we were told is furious with her that she didn't put her dd first, I feel no sadness at the Passing of her is this unreasonable?

OP posts:
VeryBitchyRestingFace · 05/03/2017 10:06

You can't control how you feel, especially when you've had a terrible shock (as I imagine you all have?)

Sadness may very well come later on, when the initial feelings of shock and anger have subsided.

GeillisTheWitch · 05/03/2017 10:07

How sad that your SIL felt she had no other way out. You're probably still in shock at the news and still mentally processing it. It's natural to feel anger, but remember that SIL would have been in a place where she believed that her DH and DD would be better off without her, she didn't do it to hurt them.

Andro · 05/03/2017 10:07

You are entitled to your own feelings, whatever they may be!

itsawonderfulworld · 05/03/2017 10:11

I'm very sorry for what's happened to your family, but I've reported the thread as it needs a trigger warning in the title.

PumpkinPie2016 · 05/03/2017 10:21

I think your feelings of anger are probably due to the terrible shock - sadness may well come later.

Your SIL though must have been in a bad place to feel that she had no other option.

Just ensure you are there for your BIL and neice - you can't do anything more tHan that.

DaphneDeLaFontaine · 05/03/2017 10:24

God, yes needs a trigger warning.

How terribly sad for her family.

BhajiAllTheWay · 05/03/2017 10:25

Horrible situation but normal to feel angry. Any rational person would indeed but their family first but she must have been in a terrible place mentally. It's hard to pick up the pieces afterwards for those left behind so whatever you are feeling is normal and okay.Be kind to yourself.

Chinnygirl · 05/03/2017 10:28

I understand your feelings. I do think it might be wise not to tell any of your inlaws though and fake some sadness.

DearMrDilkington · 05/03/2017 10:32

Thats terribly sadSad.
I think anger is a very normal reaction to suicide though, the sadness will probably hit you when you least expect it.Flowers

Herschellmum · 05/03/2017 10:33

Sorry this happened, I think anger is part of grief.

Confused how it's your sil but also refer to her husband as your bil, were they like family but not actually? Or did I read it wrong?

I think suicide often leaves lots of mixed feelings and I think your feelings are very valid ... but so we're here and it's tragic she felt this was the only way out.

Not sure how recent it is, but it's ok to be angry as long as it doesn't take over your life, and that at some point your able to move past it. Hugs

haveacupoftea · 05/03/2017 10:36

YANBU. Very normal to feel anger at family members who have died, especially in those circumstances. Take care Flowers

originalbiglymavis · 05/03/2017 10:36

Your poor niece and brother.

I'd be angry too - it's natural when you see the suffering left behind - but can you imagine what a dark place she must have been in to think that this was her only option? Anger isn't useful though - you need to be practical and strong now for your family.

tinydancer88 · 05/03/2017 10:36

I think this is not an uncommon reaction - anger may be an 'easier' emotion to process at the moment. I would be prepared for grief to come later. I'm sorry for your family's loss.

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 05/03/2017 10:36

You sound pleasant.

Hmm

I've been suicidal. You don't make a measured list of pros and cons. It doesn't work like that.

NavyandWhite · 05/03/2017 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

originalbiglymavis · 05/03/2017 10:39

He is probably angry too.

Megatherium · 05/03/2017 10:41

Confused how it's your sil but also refer to her husband as your bil, were they like family but not actually?

Presumably SIL was the wife of OP's partner's brother.

NavyandWhite · 05/03/2017 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Topuptheglass · 05/03/2017 10:43

Herchellmum generally the man married to your sil is your brother-in-law. I know that's what I call my husband's sister's husband.

Happyandhungry · 05/03/2017 10:43

Having been a Samaritan for years i can tell you that the way people react to suicide is totally different to any other type of death. You are entitled to feel as you do but please don't push your feeling onto others (not saying you will just friendly advice) as they may be reacting in a totally different way.

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 05/03/2017 10:47

I think anger is a natural reaction. It's one of the stages of grief, isn't it?

The sadness may hit later. YANBU to feel however you feel, grief is unpredictable. I agree with the others that it's best not to talk to anyone involved about this anger - if you're struggling, maybe a counsellor if you can access one?

Sorry for your family's loss Flowers

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 05/03/2017 10:48

It's my dhs brothers wife hence bil and sil

God knows what sil was going through I just can't imagine making that decision

My bil is a mess my feelings don't come into it when I'm talking with him we focus on him and Dn as anyone would. He'll never know how I feel he doesn't ever need to.

My tears are at the moment are for my bil dn and sil parents.

OP posts:
Bitofacow · 05/03/2017 10:51

You are entitled to your own feelings. Expressing them on MN is entirely sensible. Sometimes there are things you can only say to people you don't know.

Good luckFlowers

MrDacresEUSubsidy · 05/03/2017 10:53

You're in shock. People react in different ways to grief and sudden loss - you may find that when the news sinks in you'll feel sadness and emptiness.

KingJoffrey sorry to hear you have had MH issues in the past. I have also had these and would say that OP's feelings are no less valid, than someone who is tearful and upset and responding to loss in a 'traditional' way. In a way I can understand why she's angry; angry that her SIL wouldn't be honest about her affair (presuming that this is what happened given the mention of an OM); angry that her SIL didn't take a moment to step back and think about the impact of her actions on her 4yo DD. Anger can be a protective measure - it's sometimes easier to be angry than it is to face the pain of grief.

joystir59 · 05/03/2017 10:55

I think your initial reaction is perfectly understandable and if you really examine it you may find you are angry with yourself for not being able to prevent your SIL taking her own life. I'm so sorry for your family's loss.