to feel nothing but anger at sil **Trigger warning - distressing content - edited by MNHQ**

[Nicpem1982]

My sil and I have never been close.

This week completely out of the blue she's taken her own life, she got herself into a mess with another man and felt it was her only way out.

She's left her dh and dd alone and confused and bil is now trying to come to terms with the sudden loss of his wife and dn is 4 and now has no mummy.

All I've felt since we were told is furious with her that she didn't put her dd first, I feel no sadness at the Passing of her is this unreasonable?

@Nicpem1982 - I have had experience of both sides of this. My cousin committed suicide, and I saw the effect this had on her close family, so I can appreciate whynyou are feeling the way you do.

However, having had depression since I was a teenager, I have been in that black place, where death seems like the best way out, on too many occasions, starting when I was only about 14. As previous posters have said, you are in such pain that it can seem like the only way out.

I have never reached the point where the pain actually tipped me into acting in the suicidal thoughts, but even when you aren't quite at that point, your thinking is still really disordered - you genuinely believe it is the only way out and is the best answer not only for you, but formthe rest of the world.

At my best, I tend to think that the world wouldn't be any worse off without me, and at my worst, I think it would be a positive benefit to the world if I died. I know, rationally, that this is not true, but sometimes my disordered thoughts are much louder than the rational ones. It is a horrible place to be.

Sounds like she was having an affair and took the cowards way out You know, much as I thought MIL was a weak woman in some ways, I never thought this of her.

My anger towards her was down to the effect her actions had on her DCs, mainly my DH.

I don't think now, and didn't then, think that suicide is down to cowardice and I think you may need to don a very hard hat as very many people will find that a very callous post...

I think most people who wrote on the thread wrote about people who they loved and who took their own life, or tried.

OP is talking about someone who hurt people OP loved by this, she says she wasn't close to her SIL.

OP, I do think, and hope, that your BIL and DN will forgive her. They will move on and will need you to the same.

SWEARYGODMOTHER .i was told this by my hubbys mental health team that at the moment of suicide or attemted suicide they only thing they think of is themselves and there own pain so it is not UTTER BOLLOCKS .living with someone with severe mental health problems is very challenging .i have never been ashamed of my hubby but its been hard for my sons and myself and i will not kid on its not .

Call me maybe- I don't think people that take their own life are taking the cowards way out my sil may have been having issues that were not aware of so please don't say that she was a coward.

I think but don't know that her affair has played a part as it was mentioned in her note but I've not read it, bil has banned the man from the funeral.

I've helped bil today organise dns school things for the week and set him up an online shop so they don't starve whilst he's sorting out their affairs.

We've offered our ongoing support to both dn and bil, the church have given bil contact details for grief counselling for both of them.

Chardonnay - I think that once bil and dn have adjusted that I my initial anger will subside

MumofSeven I'm in a lot better place now.

MH is mentally and physically draining. There are still days that my coping mechanisms don't work. That's the day i barely eat and really struggle to get off the sofa. Then all I do is sleep.

DH is getting good at detecting when I am on a bad day, but even sometimes he misses the symptoms.

So what DH does is get me to take my medication, because when you feel well it's hard to remember to take them.

Op try not to feel angry and if you need someone trained call the Samaritans.

aprilanne with the greatest respect it's still not true. Your husband's MH team may have told you that, or you may have interpreted what they said as that but I can assure you that when suicidal we don't only think of our own pain. Our thoughts are very much clouded by our pain and our illness but we are not thinking of ourselves, we are thinking of ridding others of the burden of us.

I know it's challenging to live with people who have mental health problems but to call the illness selfish does it a disservice. It's why we get comments from DM types telling us to pull ourselves together, or think of others, or try xyz. It's not a choice. It's not selfishness. It's an illness. It's like calling people who have asthma selfish for not trying hard enough to breathe.

CallMeMaybe
took the cowards way out.

I've attempted suicide in the past, are you calling me a coward?

Navy- I'm not expecting bil to ping back into business as usual what ever I thought of sil he loved her and she's dns mom and she will always be "there" at family events,dns milestones, Christmas,birthdays etc and I'll never not listen when bil/dn wants to talk about sil.

bil and dn will feel this loss for a long time however what I meant was there are adjustments that initially have to be made in order for dn/bil to function and find their own pace and routine as a father and daughter it is when these are in place and I can see bil/dn being able to cope and function despite the pain they are obviously feeling that my own anger will start to subside iyswim

Taking your own life, especially when you think in the long term it will save others pain is the least selfish thing I can think of.

I lost a dear friend to suicide in our late teens. I have felt the 'what is the point' feeling myself. Anger is a common first reaction, but try not to let it be the only one.

The feeling of anger may pass, or it may not. That's not wrong of you, I think I'd feel the same given the circumstances of leaving behind the little girl. But do try to do a bit of research on suicide, just for your own understanding of it, I know you haven't told the family that you're angry. You're just being honest, that's totally fair. My oldest and dearest friend is so funny and kind and lovely, but has over the years been suicidal. She doesn't choose to be, not at all, and is not a coward or ever even seeking attention - nobody ever knows. It's like a black cloud sweeps over her, nobody can get in, no amount of looking at all the good things or "someone's worse off than you" talk is helpful. Luckily she now knows the signs as they approach and is able to quickly seek private health/professional help. Few people even know this about her, and it's almost an almost inconceivable feeling to me. I've never even had, in moments of despair, a moment where the idea of ending my life has crept in. Never. But I know many people who have, and it's not THEM. It's not them in their true selves, not for the most part. I have some lovely friends affected by suicide, and its devastating for them, devastating for those people left behind to pick up the pieces and move forward. Even they get angry, but ultimately they know it wasn't their fault. All you can do with your energy now is be there for them, especially your little niece. My heart breaks for her it really does. She will need huge amounts of support from you always, from now and I'm very sure forever.

agreeing with sweary - everyone is different but for me - I wanted to die, I wanted the pain to stop - and it is real physical pain as well ...but one that paracetamol won't touch. And you are desperate for it to go away, stop hurting. But you also think you are so worthless that no-one would care really - they would get over it and in the long run would be better off without you dragging them down and damaging them. If you could flick a switch and not be there any more without hurting anyone else you would do it in an instant.
But then people close to you might not understand, they think suicide is a bad thing and that they could/should have stopped you . (Not because you are worth anything but because that is what society thinks...) And then you would hurt them by making them feel guilty or responsible - and you aren't worth that.
I deliberately didn't tell anyone how I felt - when I let it slip (to a GP) I'd made doing it a lot harder. I was actually plotting how I could not fail but make it look accidental -so no-one felt guilty/responsible. Things like falling in front of a train 'by accident' but then the driver would suffer...not realise they had done me a favour. Or the impact on who finds you...
One thing that sums up my state of mind - which was when I was being treated/getting counselling etc was I had gone out with an old friend and they suggested I stayed at theirs overnight . I said I couldn't cos I needed my medication - and they questioned it and I told them a tiny bit of how I felt and they got upset. That made me feel terrible...what a shit person I was to have upset my friend like that...I really was just a liability to everyone and everything - the world would be so much better off without me. (Logically, sensibly - not depressed - that should have made me feel cared for, valued etc - but it didn't it made me feel even more worthless)

Oh Nicpem - I'm so sorry - I guess she really felt trapped and no way out then. But yes, I have to agree that she really must have had some underlying MH issues to have chosen this option as opposed to anything else (like running away, for e.g.)

You are lovely, btw - your anger is, to me, entirely understandable - you're raging that someone could do that to their young daughter! (and her father). Glad they have you to help them and I second Winston's Wish for help for your DN. www.winstonswish.org.uk

There is no right or wrong way to feel

I felt very angry and still do at times (im able to be empathetic now) towards a family member who committed suicide and left two young boys absolutely devastated their lives have been ripped apart (and financial issues have cause further distress to my family)

It is a natural feeling you are human we can't always be understanding and empathetic when we are hurting and hurting for others

Thumb - thank you we will do what we can for both bil and dn.

As someone who whilst in the midst of PND attempted suicide, my only reasoning for carrying it out was FOR my children. Now I'm of sane mind that makes zero sense and it is something I thankfully have to live with.

You're bound to be in shock and rightly angry but I hope in time as your process it you can come to peace with it as hopefully your bil and dn do.

This happened within DP's family also and left a child motherless. DP felt like you at first then when he heard more of the story (there is always more.....you have no way of knowing exactly what your SIL was going through or has went through) he kind of understood why she may have got to that point. He is so sad for his relatives but also aware that at that moment when someone is contemplating taking their own life, they sometimes honestly believe they are doing the best thing for the ones they love. DP's SIL was very 'damaged' (for want of a better word) she had many demons and although from the outside it seemed that she was the happiest she had ever been, it was obviously too much for her.

Be there for your family but remember that they will go through all sorts of emotions and if you vocalize your anger towards SIL then you may push them away as even though they might be angry for a little they most likely won't want to hear anyone else say anything bad about her.