to feel nothing but anger at sil **Trigger warning - distressing content - edited by MNHQ**

[Nicpem1982]

My sil and I have never been close.

This week completely out of the blue she's taken her own life, she got herself into a mess with another man and felt it was her only way out.

She's left her dh and dd alone and confused and bil is now trying to come to terms with the sudden loss of his wife and dn is 4 and now has no mummy.

All I've felt since we were told is furious with her that she didn't put her dd first, I feel no sadness at the Passing of her is this unreasonable?

So sorry to hear about this op - and I can perfectly understand your anger on behalf of the rest of the family in this. It is a terrible situation to face.

However - minds are more delicate than we think and our grip on reason isn't altogether a matter of will. You can't always rely on your ability to understand the whole effect of your actions - even if these seems obvious to outsiders.

I can see how great distress can lead someone to the sort of confused decision-making we all experience in dreams sometimes. (You know - where really odd behaviour seems reasonable while you are dreaming but when you try to explain it, afterwards and awake, it makes no sense at all.) It can happen when in a fever or drunk or drugged too. Great stress can be mind altering - even if only temporarily.

graphista that is so true, depression is a potentially fatal illness. In fact it is the number one killer of men aged 18-30 or so.

I'm sorry for your loss OP. You've had some great advice here.

Anger is normal though in the aftermath. It's normal even in a non suicide bereavement.
Grief isn't pretty unfortunately. Sometimes the emotions you feel aren't socially acceptable ones

There was a lovely boy at a party I went to once and people were quick to tell me 'oh x's father gassed himself in the garage' ..as if he himself was defined by what his father had done many years before .

A very close friend of mine killed himself on the same day his divorce came through. He did not to get divorced as he still loved his wife. Out of unbelievable generosity to her (typical of the lovely man he was) he left her all of his assets and his mother's (she had died 6 months previousy)making her an extremely wealthy woman; knowing that she had always had financial insecurity after being a penniless student when he first met her.

He was found on the railway track and none of us who knew him have never got over his death.

He had left a note to secure the future of his cats and rewrote his will to ensure his newly divorced ex would never have to worry about money again. She was so consumed with guilt she left the country and has devoted her life to charity work.

His best friend had committed suicide just 3 months before him and I remember him telling me how angry he was his friend did that rather than cry for help. It was a colossal shock to him his friend had done that (he actually took it personally) and I don't think he ever got over it.

We had some lovely friends in the village who were under huge strain due to several awful clashing life events. When someone told me he'd passed away, I had no idea it was suicide until the day of his funeral - I'd helped cater with some other friends and was doing teas/coffees when one of his relatives said he'd killed himself whilst his partner and kids were in the house. My initial reaction was absolute fury, how bloody dare he leave his partner to sort this shit out by herself and seeing her and the kids desperately struggle in the following months, that anger just grew. But then one day it just made me feel incredibly sad that he felt no other choice, and guilty for not seeing it. Suicide is a hugely emotive issue, there is no right and wrong way to feel - but I agree with other posters that you need to bottle that emotion in front of your bil and dn. How heartbreaking and shocking for them. She has transferred her pain and suffering directly onto them and you need to make sure that they can cope with that legacy.

My ex commited suicide 7 years ago leaving me behind with a toddler. We were separated but i feel the same as you. He had mental health issues and im sorry for him but im angry at him for leaving his son to make sense of it all

Despite no memories of him my son has grown up feeling like hes missing somthing

I think yanbu but people will be greiving too so best to keep it to yourself xx

My best friend's mum committed suicide. I still am furious with her. Furious! With time has come a bit more understanding of how desperately unhappy she must have been, but my anger does not diminish.

I wish I'd had mumsnet in those days as a place to vent - of course I wouldn't dream of sharing how I feel with my friend, then or now.

Your feelings are your feelings OP, and that's OK. I wish peace to your family

Nothing but anger?

No sadness, not even a tiny bit of understanding why she felt she had no other way?

God, Nicpem, what a horrible shock for everyone!
What a strange turn of events, I remember your thread about them wanting to foist their DD on you for a sleepover, despite her being awful to your own DD and breaking her toys - but this is a truly bizarre twist!

Do you think, or do you try not to, that she maybe was doing it as a "cry for help" and it didn't work out? I can't imagine getting myself into that much of a mess that ending it all would be the only way out, but as others are saying, maybe there were underlying MH problems. :(

So sorry for your family, your DP's family and especially the DN - what a dreadful thing to have to grow up with :(

A 16 y.o boy at my dc's school committed suicide after taking drugs after a party.

His 16 y.o friends found him hanging and as he was the most popuar boy in the school (ring leader of a group of sporty, likeable, clever group of lads) known of them have got over it (happened 4 years ago now) and none of them did as well in their exams as they could have done.

Most of them have had ptsd and ongoing counselling and one left the school through grief and was talking about following suit on FB so much so her family moved completely away from the area.

The devastation and impact has no bounds and I'm so sorry this has happened to your family op

I've been suicidal and I completely understand why someone would feel everyone is better off without them being around. A thought along those lines is now a trigger for me to know I need help.
I think they the thing that helps with that most is I had a friend whose mum committed suicide when they were young - and the effect that had on her and her family (and her much older sister committed suicide too at age around 20).

Whatever you might think at the time you are the only mother/father they have and you can't change that. You might be useless and a burden but you are still that figure, you still have that role. It isn't about 'you' as a person and how you act - it is about what is associated with the role. What they feel like they are missing on out (a perfect mother) - not what they would actually be missing out (you) ...if that makes sense. I guess when they are much older - adults - that might not be the same case- they might know you are useless -but then at least they will know that, rather than have an idolised image. (I think that is some of the reason that sometimes people commit suicide and kill their whole family - to escape from the knowledge they are leaving them behind to suffer.)
OP you feel whatever you feel - you can't help that.
You just have to keep that to yourself when dealing with her DP and DD. Let them work through their grief. I think you could talk to the Samaritans and if they can't help they could point you in the direction of someone who you could talk honestly to. Keeping your emotions concealed isn't healthy for you either.

Chardonnay I would imagine total all engulfing anger. I have never been there but I imagine the rage would be fierce and hot and visceral.

Like all grief it will hopefully fade through the "awful grace of God" - or time - or life - but rage is where the OP is now. God bless her.

I have.

Of course the way she feels is entirely valid.

Chardonnay for you.

Everyone is different, MN is a safe place to vent so you can put on your 'face' for the rest of the world.

Op I'm so sorry for your loss and my heart breaks for your bil and do. But don't feel guilty for being angry, I think it's quite a common reaction. My mum attempted suicide when I was a child but thankfully by brother found her and called an ambulance. I only found out from overhearing a conversation and never told anyone that I knew but I remember feeling so angry and hurt as it felt like I wasn't worth staying alive for and that she didn't care about us. I understand now I'm older that her MH is not a rational thing. The anger will fade over time.

You are going through shock and the stages of loss. One of them is anger as well as sadness, denial etc.

They don't necessarily follow in sequence.

The anger is normal because you can see the effect on people left behind, but it will fade and the sadness will follow and eventually you will accept how distraught (not selfish or egocentric or any of the other things people think when they are angry) but as a young woman in the depths of despair who perhaps thought the world, including her DD, would be better off without her. She was wrong of course, but her judgement was clouded.

Eventually you will forgive her. Meanwhile do what you are doing and support her family. Xxx

my husband has attempted suicide twice because he is seriously ill .i was always angry i would say you selfish bastard if you cant stay alive for me then do it for your sons /your wonderful grandaughters .but he says its not that simple .after going to various workshops run by his mental health team .you come to realise mental health is a very selfish illness as in they can think of no one in that moment but themselves ..i understand your anger but your sil must have been desperate poor soul .

he seemed happy, was engaged in the conversation and the joking and then went home and hung himself

This is very very common Karigan, and it makes it harder for people to understand ("But he was cracking on with us - he seemed better than he has done in ages!").

When people are very severely depressed, they haven't got the energy to commit suicide - the dangerous times are as they are spiralling into depression, and as they are coming out of it. When the decision to end a life is taken, it removes a huge burden from the person involved. They are once more in control of what is happening to them, and they know exactly where they will be (mental and emotionally) in 24 hours. They know that the pain they have been experiencing will be at an end and they will have nothing to worry about, and that they will have lifted a huge burden from their family, too. They truly believe that they are dragging everyone into a pit with them, and that the most loving thing they can do is end their lives.

It is beyond sad.

Dh committed suicide almost 6yre ago

I have never felt anger

How can I be angry without someone who I loved so much and they felt the only way out was to kill theirselves :(

You have had a massive shock. I hope sadness and grieving will come

Way
Sobs
Winston wish

Are all groups That may help bil and sn

mental health is a very selfish illness as in they can think of no one in that moment but themselves

What bollocks. I'm unfortunate enough to have felt suicidal when my mental health is out of control. I don't think of myself when I'm at my lowest, apart from to be aware that I'm an utter burden and drain on those around me and that they'd be better off without me. If I were thinking of myself I might be able to treat myself with kindness. Instead my mental illness is doing my thinking for me reminding me of how worthless I am. Comments like yours are why people are so ashamed of having MH issues and asking for help - because its seen as indulgent and selfish when it's actually an illness.

OP - a dear friend of mine committed suicide when we were in our early 20s. I raged for a long time about it, angry with him, angry with his medical team for not preventing it, angry with myself for not being able to help. I rationalised that it was dying from an illness but I was furious. In time though, that fury passed and I was left with sympathy and sadness.

I really think its a stage of grief though, but this time it has a target - the person who "selfishly" killed themselves. I've had the same fury when friends have died young in accidents or of illnesses, but they were more impotent rages as there was nobody to be angry with.

Your anger will pass, but please consider that she wouldn't have thought that suicide is an option if she didn't have mental health issues. I know you say your BIL isn't aware of any but nobody in a mentally healthy place does this.

Thumb- this wasn't an attempt gone wrong the way she did it appears to be very prepared and definite.

Chardonnay- at this stage no I don't feel anything else for her I appreciate that the circumstances surrounding suicide are of course complicated and not cut and dried but I can't at this stage see past the hurt and potential damage of my dn and bil.

I now after previous mixed feelings about her, feel fiercely protective of my niece and want to protect her from any more hurt and anguish and I'm angry that a 4 year old has been forced to deal with these big emotions and will never be able to understand why her mummy left her.

For those that asked yes she was having an affair as far as we know up until this happened.

Thank you everyone for your supportive comments

The anger is normal of course to feel but suicide is never rational as such. Because if you think about it, our basic instinct is to stay alive. So to actually kill ourselves is going against everything our body wants us to do. If you are drowning then you fight to survive etc. Suicide is the most desperate thing, I know how it feels to be that low and the only clear thoughts are that everyone (no matter who it is) would be better off without you
I'm so sorry for the family loss

Yanbu. Sounds like she was having an affair and took the cowards way out.

Iirc there's a poster on MN whose h did the same,. So not only does her husband have to deal with the betrayal of the affair but he has to deal with the fact that the woman who betrayed him didn't even have the guts to face up to what she'd done.

Sometimes, very occasionally, people do commit suicide for purely selfish reasons. sounds like this was one of them, and I'd find it impossible to feel anything but anger, which is ok because she's not the one who has to feel it or has to face the mess she's left behind.