to feel nothing but anger at sil **Trigger warning - distressing content - edited by MNHQ**

[Nicpem1982]

My sil and I have never been close.

This week completely out of the blue she's taken her own life, she got herself into a mess with another man and felt it was her only way out.

She's left her dh and dd alone and confused and bil is now trying to come to terms with the sudden loss of his wife and dn is 4 and now has no mummy.

All I've felt since we were told is furious with her that she didn't put her dd first, I feel no sadness at the Passing of her is this unreasonable?

Oh yeah, that makes sense. Lol.

I think everything is going to be a mess for awhile, it sounds like your doing all the right things with supporting your family at this time. I can totally see how seeing the fallout from that would cause anger too.

I think it's possible to have other feelings too, I'm guessing it wasn't a long term mental health problem either, she just got herself in a place where she wanted out. It's just so tragic for everyone involved.

OP ... don't listen to those who feel your not entire to feel the way you do, it's a perfectly normal phase of grief in normal circumstances but even more so in this case, and given the circumstances it's sensible to find an outlet like MN where it isn't to the family who are already in pain.

Herschellmum - as far as we were aware there were no mh problems bil is stunned

We may well find at a later date there were issues we weren't aware of

I am so sorry. Your feelings are entirely valid.

SIL didn't take a moment to step back and think about the impact of her actions on her 4yo DD

What a silly thing to say. Just because you don't agree with her decision doesn't mean the SIL didn't think it through.

I do understand how you feel - a friend tried (and luckily failed) to commit suicide and for ages I was just furious at her. How could she have done that to her kids, to her parents, her friends etc? But over time, and talking to her afterwards I understood much more that it wasn't her, it was her mental health and at that particular time she genuinely felt it would be better for everyone. She had been thinking of the children and parents and friends, and genuinely felt at the time that her suicide was the best for them. She's in a much better place now. Of course you're not going to have that chance to talk about it - but don't think she wasn't thinking of others. She was just thinking of them in a awfully misguided way. It's very sad.

I went through something similar (not the same) when a good friend took her own life, leaving behind a husband (also a good friend) and two kids - 4 and 1.

I was bloody FURIOUS with her. The ramifications were huge for everyone, including even the bloke she had the affair with. I nearly didn't go to the funeral, I wasn't sure I'd be able to 'reign it in'. I did though, and I'm glad I did.

The anger faded. Quite quickly really and I was left feeling just terribly sad and awful for the family. As I got older I realised that there was every chance she had PND. It didn't help that there was another tragedy shortly after though and irrationally my first thought was to blame her.

I still get bursts of anger now - it was 20 years ago. I see her grown children, know what they've been through and want to shake her.

I think it's a natural reaction to something inexplicable. Something so out of your own frame of reference that your emotions don't know what to do.

It will fade. All you can do is be there for the family. Be there for the child. Swallow your feelings until you are somewhere 'safe' where you cannot hurt others with them. But take care of yourself as well - you are in shock.

Anger is a natural way to feel when you are grieving.

I have been suicidal (I still don't have access to my various medications because I don't trust myself) I did think of my DH and DD's, I thought they would be better off without me and that one day they would be happy again, something they couldn't do with me here.

What a silly thing to say. Just because you don't agree with her decision doesn't mean the SIL didn't think it through

I disagree and I stand by what I said. I can think of very few things in this world that are so heinous and awful that they cannot be sorted through. I imagine that OP's family and specifically her BIL, quite possibly feel the same way. I find it difficult to imagine how you would rationalise taking your own life and thinking that this would be a better outcome for your very young child, rather than you still being in their life as they grow up.

That said, you aren't generally thinking rationally when looking at the sharp end of this. It's extremely sad as most probably things could have been worked out. I feel very sorry for her DD and her DH.

How devastating for your BIL and DN.

I lost my sister to suicide 6 years ago. I don't get angry, just desperately sad that she never told me how much she was hurting.

You can't help how you feel but please try and have some empathy for this lady and understand that she was clearly in a bad place and feeling desperate.

YANBU.

Was SIL having an affair prior to her suicide?

I've been suicidal - when I had severe PND - and I genuinely believed my DH and DCs would be better off without me Mental illness does that. There's no such thing as rational thinking when it has a grip. Looking back, it would have brought my family a whole world of pain, not the sense of relief I imagined they would feel, without me around.

Fortunately, my HV recognised how unwell I was, and got me some urgent help. That was 20+ years ago, my DCs are all healthy, happy adults now and my depression is a long ago illness that I have fully recovered from.

Anger is a perfectly natural response, OP. But your SIL won't have taken her own life without believing it was her only option.

You are entitled to your own feelings. Expressing them on MN is entirely sensible. Sometimes there are things you can only say to people you don't know. This! Bitofacow is right. Had I had MN when MIL hung herself, knowing I would be the one to find her, leaving a note for us all to look after the alcoholic abuser who had run her life ragged... I had no one I could express my anger to. I had enough on my plate coping with DH and his wildly cycling emotions.

But do ask MN to add a 'Triggering' to your title.

It would also be nice if a thread like this could stick to reassuring OP that she isn't a soulless bitch for feeling no compassion for her SIL. As many of us know, this is a very, very common reaction for those 'left behind' who have to deal with the emotional fallout!

And that isn't to belittle the experiences of others... just to ask for compassion for all!

My tears are at the moment are for my bil dn and sil parents.
Everyone's in shock. You feel how you feel.

Suicide is never a choice, it's something that people do when they're feeling beyond desperate, completely out of options and that the world would be a better place without them in it. It's not a rational thing, so someone who feels that bad would be rational enough to think about the consequences for family etc. Please don't blame her.

Also, you need to be there for BiL and the children, and you won't be able to do right by them if you're feeling like this.

Anger is part of grief, for sure, but your opening comment that you've "never been close" makes me wonder if you might be judging her a little harshly.

It's normal to feel anger when someone commits suicide. It really is, grief is a circle and you'll make your way through a range of emotions and revisit them frequently.
Anger and guilt play a bigger role initially when someone dies this way rather than say through illness. Although they are there whenever someone close dies, I am sadly very experienced in grief through suicide and illness, and suicide is a complex one.
💐

The way people react to suicide is totally different to any other type of death.

This is very sad. It really shouldn't be.

OP, we are so sorry for your loss.

We just wanted to post on here to say that we've had quite a few reports asking us to put a trigger warning in the title of the thread. We hope you don't mind but we agree that this would be a good idea and we're going to add something now.

All the best to you OP. It looks as though you are getting some useful advice on here from other Mumsnetters - we hope that it helps.

Anger is a very common response any death - but to suicide especially.

I feel so heartbroken for all of those involved - your poor SIL, whose mind was so mixed-up that she saw no other way out of a comparatively simple predicament; your BIL and his DD, who will be tormented with a huge range of emotions - grief, betrayal, anger despair and even self-blame. (Be especially aware of any tendency to this in your niece - children can't understand the complexities of death and often feel that it is their own behaviour which has caused it. It's hard enough for adults to understand, never mind a four-year old, particularly if she has been having tantrums or any other natural childish rebellion lately.)

There is no easy or "correct" way to respond to a bereavement of any type.

What I can say with assurance is that people who take their own lives don't always do it as a way of getting themselves out of what they think is a dreadful situation - they very, very often do it because they feel that they have damaged the lives of the people they love as well, and that if they don't irrevocably leave, then that damage will get worse.

Believe it or not, it may be that she was trying to save her husband and child from pain.

I hope that when you have had time to think about things, and work out your own shocked and conflicting emotions, you will be able to spare her some compassion. She must have been in hell, even though it apparently was one of her own making.

And none of us know what goes on in any marriage - perhaps she and your BIL weren't anywhere near as happy as people thought - maybe she was even afraid of him (and fear doesn't always have to have a basis - perhaps she was worried that when the truth emerged he wouldn't let her see her child, and she felt she couldn't live with that loss.)

Her emotions will have been wild and conflicting and terrible. She may well have thought that she was doing the best fr everybody. You are entitled to be angry - suicide is a very violent and shocking act and impacts on a lot of people - but in time your thoughts about her may change and become more forgiving.

In the meantime, do your best to put your own feelings aside and provide support for the husband and child she has betrayed (I'm not excusing her actions) and who will be in shock. Don't say anything about her in their hearing (small children notice a lot more than we realise). Reassure your niece that her mammy loved her but was very poorly and didn't know what she was doing. You will most probably find that over time you will be able to let go of your understandable rage, and feel more compassionate towards her. She is a victim as much as they are.

I think it's sad that the poor women thought her life was that bad it was the only way, I couldn't feel angry because of that just sadness Imagine sitting looking at your life one day and honestly believing you have no other choice

I would hope maybe you are just in shock right now

What a Terrible situation she found herself in and how unbelievably sad for the family 💐

My uncle committed suicide a few years ago and my first emotion was overwhelming rage at his selfishness for putting his wife, children and siblings through this. I think it's a fairly normal reaction but as pp have said, keep a lid on it around your bil and dn.

She must have been in a really bad place to have taken her own life.

I am sorry that your family are going through this. I think anger is one of the normal reactions to someone dying.

Please can you talk to your BIL about getting help for your niece? A relative of mine lost her mother to suicide when she was around your niece's age. I don't think anyone ever spoke to her about exactly what had happened and why (this was nearly 60 years ago). She was left thinking that her mother had killed herself because she wasn't a good enough daughter, at that age she couldn't think of any other reason for her mother's decision. It left her with feelings of rejection and inadequacy that have plagued her throughout her life. If only someone had been able to talk her through it and shown her that there was absolutely nothing she could have done to change what happened it would have made such a difference to her.

When I was suicidal I just wanted out. My thought while taking an overdose was that my husband, DC and family would be better off with out me.

I thought I was doing them a huge favour. That I was worthless and just a drain on every one around me.

In a way I thought I was doing the best for my DC, but now with clear thought I can see that is not the case and I am glad I failed.

I am thinking of you and your family. I hope your BIL and DN gets all the help they can.

The night before I did it I was so very calm. I cooked DH and the dc their favourite meals. Read bed time stories and told them mummy loves them so much and always will.

How desperately sad that your SIL believed this was the best thing for everyone and had no-one she felt she could turn to.

It's all very well to say 'I don't understand why they didn't think of the children/how could they be so selfish'etc, but unless you've been in that place, you cannot possibly understand. I have heard some who have unsuccessfully attempted suicide, say later that at that moment ALL they could see was how much better it would be for everyone if the person was no longer here. They truly believed it was the best thing they could do. They did not consider it as a way out, more to protect those around them. To us, that sounds upside down, but to them it makes perfect sense.