AIBU to think women should take responsibility for their own happiness and leave an unhappy marraige?

[PhilCoulsonsLeftHand17]

Name changed as it could be outing if anyone finds the original post this is from.

Read a thread somewhere else 'Ode to Self Sacrifice' from a woman who no longer loves her husband, doesnt find him attractive now but "rolls over" and lets him have sex with her while wishing she was elsewhere or with someone else, fantasises daily with thoughts of leaving with the kids, thinks of how her life could be better without him and telling herself that after the kids are older she can have the life she wants. She claims its just a mothers love and as a 'mother' she has to sacrifice her happiness and stay.

Personally (apart from the women who have been beaten down by years of abuse and have no support to leave which is not the case here) I think she should take some responsibility for herself and her own happiness. She is living a lie and it would be better for everyone if she split. I am sure her kids have picked up on her unhappiness and her husband deserves to find someone who actually loves him back surely?

What happens in 10 years when the kids find out she only stayed 'for them'? How are they going to feel knowing she was unhappy all that time?
What if something happens and she cant leave in 10 years time? Does she continue to live a lie?
What does she tell her husband? "I have not loved you for 10 years, I have bewen lying to you all this time and I am leaving you now"

Surely in 2017 she can take responsibility for her own happiness? Not saying it is easy but its doable if she wants to. Why should her happiness come last in a family? Surely parents who are happy apart is better than unhappy together?

We all sacrifice things for our kids so they get the best we can give them in all aspects of their lives but should we sacrifice our own happiness for 15/20 years?

Disclaimer: its up to each individual how they live their life of course but the post was written in a kind of "when you are a mother this is what you have to do" martyrdom type of way and they believe that most women relate to this which I dont agree with at all.

Takes a deep breath...

A previous poster made an excellent post in which she pointed out not everybody spends their twenties in skyscrapers.

Even for those who are on a 'good salary' it can come as a shock that being single is more expensive than living in a couple.

Don't all relationships grow stale at some point? Why should partnerships be happy 24/7?

I think women should be more like men in this respect. They should just get up and go and not look back (don't take the children with you either and arrange a meet up now and then). Leave the kids and the husband/partner. Forge a new life for yourself. Lots of men do this.

However, if women did do leave the house without the children they are more judged than men.

I think women should be more like men in this respect. They should just get up and go and not look back (don't take the children with you either and arrange a meet up now and then). Leave the kids and the husband/partner. Forge a new life for yourself. Lots of men do this.

Children are your responsibility not just some little mates you got a bit sick of. Just abandoning them and meeting up for a coffee every now and again kinda fucks things them up. They're actual people not bit parts in a sitcom.

I think we can all judge anyone - male, female, non-binary - who behaves like this.

I would rather be in a miserable awful probably even abusivevrelationship ( although I've never experienced this horror so I hope that doesn't come across as too flippant but I believe it to be true) than leave my children. I do know two women who left their 3 and 2 children - With great dads - yes, she they are HUGELY critically judged by other men and women.
A friend of mine did her thesis on women who leave their children; almost without exception the adult children she interviews were unforgiving of their mother for going, no matter how good the dad was, the same was absolute not true of forgiveness towards fathers who left. Scarring on adults MH due to mothers leaving was equally deep in men and woman although unsurprisingly more women than men came forward to be interviewed.
Great Post Op.

I am another woman who is partly sacrificing her own happiness for the benefit of her children.
I haven't loved my husband for ten years. Haven't had sex with him for probably three years now.
If I didn't have children I would be at the least separating.
But until they are grown up it's not on the agenda. I want them to have a stable, settled, 2-parent home. Dh and I don't argue. We still laugh and joke and have fun together and as a family. He's a good friend. But no more. He lost my love gradually because of his response to certain situations and just because of the way he is. I'd rather live without him but won't do that because the kids would suffer - and because they'd judge me. As would others.
Money is not the issue at all, nor lifestyle. I've been a sahp but can get myself back into work without difficulty.
I'm a happy person outwardly. No-one knows how sad I am that I'm in a sexless, love-less relationship.
If dh suggested an open relationship I'd be over the moon. But I don't have the courage to suggest it to him.
Apologies for the waffle. Just unloading

Not only are women judged more harshly than men for abandoning their children, but people get more outraged over people rehoming a dog than absent fathers.
Dont hold them up as a role model.

undercoveragent I know exactly where you're coming from, I'm in a very similar place and it's tough isn't it. I'd be happy to start again on my own - got a fairly good career and not fussed where I live - but I can't deny my daughter a settled home with two parents and the various material and emotional advantages of that just because I made a wrong choice. DH and I get on OK and we're good together as a family, I can't throw that away :(.

I never suggested that at the first sign of a disagreement that women should up and leave their kids!

I accept that this may be the only option for some women and that it would influence thier choice in whether they stay in a relationship or go. No-one is judging whatever choice they make, we arent in thier shoes. And yes despite the fact that women may be abused but the man is fine with the kids, provides for them etc, she leaves for her own sanity yet she is judged for leaving. Thats still abhorrent inequality.

I really was more interested in the emotional effects staying would have on the woman having to pretend all the time. Would this build up into resentment and bitterness? If there are the right circumstances and she has a choice and is desperately unhappy should she take kids and leave?

How would the man feel when 10 years down the line, the kids have flown the nest and the wife says she wants a divorce as she hasnt loved him for years? Wouldnt that be devastating? Wouldnt you spend a long time wondering if everything that your partner had said and did with you was a lie?

Well, assuming she 'has the choice' is interesting, because it could well be that the choice to leave wouldn't be her being happier due to all the other reasons mentioned.

You do seem to be working from the premise that your relationship with your DH is the only thing that matters in terms of happiness - but if leaving is to a situation that overall would mean being less happy, then it's not insane to stay until the scales will tip towards leaving meaninng you are more happy.

That doesn't mean the current situation isn't horrible, but a choice between "bit miserable, but generally ok life" or "really fucking awful" the first seems better, still miserable, just not as miserable as the alternative.

I'm very glad I don't have to make that choice, doesn't mean I can't sympathise in those who go with putting up with a rubbish relationship in an othewise pretty good life.

InvisibleKittenAttack
Yes!

InvisibleKittenAttack Yes !!

Happiness is dependent on many things including my DC's happiness and well-being. DH and his siblings told his parents that they should have stayed together, even though they were continuously fighting, as the split destroyed their childhood and made all of them utterly miserable. They thought the split was their fault. He also went from being top performing gifted child at school to ending up at the bottom achieving very little academically after the split. My DC's happiness and emotional well being is more important to my happiness than how my romantic relationship with my partner is going ? I'm an adult. I've had some good/fab times and stable upbringing but it's now their turn now to have a reasonable upbringing.

An earlier poster's situation brings up a great point. Often women think "ok, it's a loveless marriage and I'm unhappy but I'll sacrifice". Then their DH comes home and asks for divorce.

My impression honestly of many of the relationship splits that you see on mumsnet (if you read between the lines) is that the relationships were terrible. Loveless, sexless and crap but the women were "nobly chugging along" for "the kids". When DH finally checks out of the marriage, probably via affair, they get to act the victim. They are shocked that he could want out of this numb shitty marriage.

So being a SAHM prepared to sit in a crappy marriage forever "for your kids" doesn't guarantee that your DH is happy to sit in it too.

Well - fingers crossed. If he leaves you're more likely to get a good settlement - perfect.