AIBU to think women should take responsibility for their own happiness and leave an unhappy marraige?

[PhilCoulsonsLeftHand17]

Name changed as it could be outing if anyone finds the original post this is from.

Read a thread somewhere else 'Ode to Self Sacrifice' from a woman who no longer loves her husband, doesnt find him attractive now but "rolls over" and lets him have sex with her while wishing she was elsewhere or with someone else, fantasises daily with thoughts of leaving with the kids, thinks of how her life could be better without him and telling herself that after the kids are older she can have the life she wants. She claims its just a mothers love and as a 'mother' she has to sacrifice her happiness and stay.

Personally (apart from the women who have been beaten down by years of abuse and have no support to leave which is not the case here) I think she should take some responsibility for herself and her own happiness. She is living a lie and it would be better for everyone if she split. I am sure her kids have picked up on her unhappiness and her husband deserves to find someone who actually loves him back surely?

What happens in 10 years when the kids find out she only stayed 'for them'? How are they going to feel knowing she was unhappy all that time?
What if something happens and she cant leave in 10 years time? Does she continue to live a lie?
What does she tell her husband? "I have not loved you for 10 years, I have bewen lying to you all this time and I am leaving you now"

Surely in 2017 she can take responsibility for her own happiness? Not saying it is easy but its doable if she wants to. Why should her happiness come last in a family? Surely parents who are happy apart is better than unhappy together?

We all sacrifice things for our kids so they get the best we can give them in all aspects of their lives but should we sacrifice our own happiness for 15/20 years?

Disclaimer: its up to each individual how they live their life of course but the post was written in a kind of "when you are a mother this is what you have to do" martyrdom type of way and they believe that most women relate to this which I dont agree with at all.

Takes a deep breath...

No, Peggy, you just agreed with those who do call them that, blame and judge women who may indeed have no choice but to stay and accuse them of using men to 'fund their lifestyle'. You seemed fine to let the state do that, but it's wrong when it's your spouse .

I get what you're saying but I have three kids. Two have disabilities. I had to give up my job as they need someone around ft and my dh wouldn't be up to the job at all as he doesn't have the patience. I stay because I can't afford to leave and I'm not sure the kids would be happier with two families. I'd like to leave but honestly I don't feel I have any options. I have no money.

Op. - I'm inclined to agree but life can often be messy and I do understand why women stay in a functioning, yet unhappy marriage.

One piece of advice is to any SAHM in this situation is to try and get back into work ASAP. Because maybe he is equally unhappy and the marriage is in danger of breaking up before the children leave home.

expatinscotland Can you point out where I mentioned I was on benefits, please? I have worked since I left school

There are always choices. If you chose to be miserable you will be, it's a self fulfilling proophecy

It really isn't just about the money. I earn enough to support myself and the children on my own. But I would choose to stay because I don't want DS2 to have to live between two houses, and I don't want to not live with him all the time. It's different if the situation is intolerable or dangerous or otherwise damaging but if you can manage to coexist reasonably harmoniously then I'm not sure that deciding that some ideal of 'happiness' is worth it.

I actually think the expectation that you should be happy is actually the cause of a lot of misery in the world. I'm content to find life generally tolerable, tbh.

Fuck me. I'm content to find life generally tolerable is actually tear jerking to read that.

Honestly, it's not.

It's pragmatic and realistic. Expecting to go through life in a state of joy is not.

@Kiroro fuck you!

Do you know what I didn't chose to be a stay at home parent. I did because my dc had a meltdown every time they were left in childcare for more than 4 hours.

I stay because I have no money. Our mortgage is cheaper than anywhere to rent within 25 miles.

I stay for my kids because I know my dh couldn't cope with them and they're best off with me here. It's a massive shade of grey. Could I be happier? Yes. But my happiness over that of three others is paramount.

I was someone who did leave. My god I was so miserable with ex dh. We lived in a nice house with nice car and nice things. It wasn't a "rich" lifestyle but it was comfortable.

Over the years the marriage just got worse, not abusive, just stale, past it's use by date so to speak and we grew apart. He was married to his work. I could have stayed for the kids sake but coming from a single parent family where my mum raised us on her own, I knew things would be ok. I respect my mum so much more for doing that rather than staying with my father and being miserable (he was a womaniser.)

It was 4 years ago. I remember thinking how on earth am I going to do this? It was terrifying. Worst part was I worked for my ex dh too at his business. He brought in the money, a very moderate income, he was my boss too and I was expected work at his business whilst the children were at school, then come home after school pick up and do all the cooking and cleaning etc. My life was miserable and he was getting more and more arrogant and bolshy as time went on.

It wasn't easy by any means. It was fucking hard! Especially when all his family and our friends took his side so I had no support other than my mum.

Luckily we were married so I had more standing in a divorce settlement. I only took a fifth of what I could have had. I could have argued for half (which would have made life more comfortable) but I didn't. I only ever asked for enough to get a deposit for a small house and I got my own mortgage. I got into debt with solicitors fees for the divorce and the solicitor fees for the house etc. It totalled at around 8 grand in the end of debt.

It took me months to find another job, but I did. I got a job in a school to fit around the kids and it works well. My self esteem as shot up since I got my own job, which I am doing well and surprising myself but what I can achieve. I knuckled down, have almost paid off the debt now and have started from scratch in my house with decorating, which I have done myself. I get my income topped up with tc and the longer term plan is when the kids grow up and leave home I will be in a position to get a full time job to make up the shortfall in tc.

I am lucky I don't have to rent. I know this. I am not comparing to anyone else, just merely telling my story as I once lived a life slaved to my ex dh in the home and at work. He controlled everything. I have worked fucking hard to get away from this. My house isn't fancy or anything like where I once lived. But I wouldn't trade it for the world. I don't have the money I once did for frivolous things but I can take my kids out and have nice times with them.

It can be done and like I said it is really bloody hard to do and you have to fight a lot of battles to get there. But once I was out the other side, my god it's so much better than what i had before. I don't mean materialistically, I mean sanity wise. I still get bad days where I feel unhappy or sad, but nothing compares to the misery of before. Now I can drop my dc off with my ex and go home. I don't have to hear him going on or making me feel guilty (to him if someone is happy it must mean they aren't working hard enough ).

It was the best thing I ever did and all those shitty times to get here have been worth it.

Someone who stays with someone they don't love because they want their money is basically prostituting themselves

Utterly despicable comment.

Reported.

And what about women who stay who don't have sex with their husbands What are they, do tell me poster known as 'harshbutrue'

The thread seems to have touched a nerve with many. I have seen it from the male side too - all those men who stay but hating it because they know they will lose the children they adore if they leave so they wait until the children are teenagers and old enough to choose to live with their father.

I did divorce ultimately after a long time. Everyone has to find out their own point at which they take that decision and most divorces women initiate by the way - men tend just to toddle along tolerating things more.

For us it was much muhc better but that was in part because I'd always worked full time and earned 10x what their father earned - as ever money gives women choices and power and ability to protect their children. Never give up full time work.

Some disgusting patronising and putrid comments on this thread. Hope it's pulled. It's a nasty thread.

Read a thread somewhere else 'Ode to Self Sacrifice' from a woman who no longer loves her husband, doesnt find him attractive now but "rolls over" and lets him have sex with her while wishing she was elsewhere or with someone else, fantasises daily with thoughts of leaving with the kids, thinks of how her life could be better without him and telling herself that after the kids are older she can have the life she wants. She claims its just a mothers love and as a 'mother' she has to sacrifice her happiness and stay.

Ugh.
I acknowledge that for many women, it is hard to leave a marriage, for various reasons.

But to idealize and glorify this situation ... that's just disgusting.

How much does this woman hate her daughters (I assume she has at least one, she doesn't explicitly say sons), that she thinks this is the role model they deserve?

I don't have much pity for the husband, though - surely he'd notice that she just "rolls over".
And perhaps the fact that he is happy to ignore her unhappiness is why she is unhappy in the first place.

"because it will afford you a nice lifestyle??"

You seem to think anyone staying is only in it for 'the nice lifestyle'. Plenty of people don't have 'nice' lifestyles. I'm talking about bare minimums. It is not easy in this country, in this day and age, to survive on a single low-salary wage. You could have a mortgage on a small, damp-addled flat, a low-paid job in a shop, no car, no holidays, no spare cash... but you manage. Just.

And you'd toss all that away for... what?

More space in the bed?

Avoid his dirty dishes on the side?

Posters saying "claim benefits!" like there are riches to be had that way, ir "get a nice council flat!" like that's so easy. That there's nothing wrong with poverty, money 'doesn't buy happiness'... yeah, but being unable to pay for the electricity or being booted out by your landlord every 6 months sure impacts on it.

It's not easy leaving and it takes a fair while for it to get easier. But you get nothing and nowhere in life if thinking something worth while in the long run is going to be easy to start with. Nothing worth while ever is.

What if that "money" (ie staying in that relationship) meant your children's happiness? It's usually not as black and white as that.

Few of the women who "stay for the children" ever ask the children what they want.

There's many people on this forum who had a childhood overshadowed by their parents' fighting, but the parents stayed together "for the children" ...

Having sex with a man for money is prostitution. That is no moral judgement, it is just what it is. And a woman who does this teaches her daughters that it is normal.

I don't judge women who get into street prostitution because they literally wouldn't be able to feed their children otherwise.

However, I do judge women who could very well feed and clothe their children, but prefer to model a life of prostitution and misery to their daughters because they can feel as noble martyrs that way. And then go on and even write articles about what noble martyrs they are.

Life is hard, and not all people can do the best thing in every given situation.

But if you managed to end up in a less than ideal situation, don't go on about how great and noble you are and how everyone should imitate your shitty life.

I have neither a career nor a husband and children. You won't see me advertising my lifestyle as something all women should do.

There's a difference between being miserable and just not being happy. Being miserable is clearly a reason to leave. Just not being positively happy doesn't seem like a sensible reason to turn your life upside down. Life is not a rom-com.

Vestal- were specifically not talking about parents that fight. We're talking about where parents just amble along.

vestalvirgin

Having sex with a man for money is prostitution. That is no moral judgement, it is just what it is. And a woman who does this teaches her daughters that it is normal.

Not when it's your husband or life partner for fuck's sake!

What a ridiculous vacuous nasty vicious vile comment!

Grow up!

For those that stay or have stayed when you no longer love or find your DH attractive, how do you have sex with them? Is it a case of you don't or you close your eyes and think of something else? Not sure I could do that just to keep a nice house.

" money gives women choices and power"
Agree. Money gives everyone choices and power.

I can only assume the women making such vile comments (like you're a hooker if you have sex with your husband and he gives you money for shopping,) are either single, OR have a partner who gives them fuck all and they are bitter and jealous.

My husband took me to The U.S.A. for a romantic long weekend a few months ago, for my birthday. I had done some washing and cooking for him. AND I shagged him a few times too.

Oooooooooh, get me, I must be a ho!

Why should the husband give the wife money?

A nice house? Makes it sound rather swallow. Maybe the marriage has just grown stale but it's not terrible and so staying when the kids are happy and it's okay is better than taking a huge financial and emotional risk.

MiladyThesaurus ;- It's pragmatic and realistic. Expecting to go through life in a state of joy is not

I agree, of course expecting to go through life in a state of joy IS crazy and unrealistic. Nobody is in a permanent state of joy - nobody.

It just seems sad to me that you expect nothing at all from life, other than to tolerate it. You don't seem to want anything for yourself, not even a fleeting moment of happiness. That is sad considering how fleeting life is.

I just think some people will have a lot of regrets and resentments when they are older, when they realised they have wasted best years of their lives not even attempting to be happier.

I wonder how women 'women who stay' will feel in 20 years when they realise their daughters are doing the exact same thing - putting up / settling / and making do with Mr NOT right instead of attempting the pursuit of happiness - because this is what has been normal over the years