AIBU to think women should take responsibility for their own happiness and leave an unhappy marraige?

[PhilCoulsonsLeftHand17]

Name changed as it could be outing if anyone finds the original post this is from.

Read a thread somewhere else 'Ode to Self Sacrifice' from a woman who no longer loves her husband, doesnt find him attractive now but "rolls over" and lets him have sex with her while wishing she was elsewhere or with someone else, fantasises daily with thoughts of leaving with the kids, thinks of how her life could be better without him and telling herself that after the kids are older she can have the life she wants. She claims its just a mothers love and as a 'mother' she has to sacrifice her happiness and stay.

Personally (apart from the women who have been beaten down by years of abuse and have no support to leave which is not the case here) I think she should take some responsibility for herself and her own happiness. She is living a lie and it would be better for everyone if she split. I am sure her kids have picked up on her unhappiness and her husband deserves to find someone who actually loves him back surely?

What happens in 10 years when the kids find out she only stayed 'for them'? How are they going to feel knowing she was unhappy all that time?
What if something happens and she cant leave in 10 years time? Does she continue to live a lie?
What does she tell her husband? "I have not loved you for 10 years, I have bewen lying to you all this time and I am leaving you now"

Surely in 2017 she can take responsibility for her own happiness? Not saying it is easy but its doable if she wants to. Why should her happiness come last in a family? Surely parents who are happy apart is better than unhappy together?

We all sacrifice things for our kids so they get the best we can give them in all aspects of their lives but should we sacrifice our own happiness for 15/20 years?

Disclaimer: its up to each individual how they live their life of course but the post was written in a kind of "when you are a mother this is what you have to do" martyrdom type of way and they believe that most women relate to this which I dont agree with at all.

Takes a deep breath...

I'm a firm believer that most married people hate each other at some point. It's good to be able to separate this from a seriously dysfunctional relationship.

And, I would sacrifice quite a lot to maintain an home for my children. They adore their father and need him as much as they need me. I'd leave if he were truly mean or abusive, but sometimes I find myself being conciliatory when I don't particularly feel like it and this brings my husband around and then he's conciliatory and we can work through the conflict.

It is not easy being conciliatory when you don't feel like it.

I no longer love my DP. I've told him I want to split but he refuses to leave (he's not abusive, just totally dependent) There is no way I'm leaving this house as it's housing association and I'd not get another (plus it'll be leaving DP in a 3 bed house) and I would not go without the DC. At the minute we're just living together (he's on the couch) but there's no love. I will probably stay like this until either he leaves (which I cannot see happening) or the DC grow up and leave. In the meantime I'm doing my own thing, me and the DC are off on holiday in a few months without him. The only thing I miss is the intimacy, but I couldn't see me finding a new guy if he left anyhow.

Maybe mummy shouldn't have given up work then! Women - maintain your own financial independence. There is NOT reason why you have to be the low earning in the relationship. Set your aspirations a but bloody higher.

That's so bloody patronising. People have different aspirations. For me - personally - that meant not paying someone to look after my children.

I think the unpalatable truth is that many women who say they stay for the children are really staying due to financial dependency and fear of the unknown. It sounds more palatable to tell themselves they are doing it out of love for their children rather than love of their home comforts.

It sounds more palatable to tell themselves they are doing it out of love for their children rather than love of their home comforts

It's the childrens home comforts that matter.

Some of you want to paint women as stupid bitches who deserve what they get, lying about their motivations and only caring about cash, but it's utter nonsense. Just keep patting yourselves on the back for your immense luck at not being in such a shitty position, and try and convince yourselves you are somehow superior.

"by not giving up their careers"

What career? Not all of us spent our late twenties in skyscrapers on £40k a year. For many, their 'career' was low paid pittance grunt work where the salary has barely gone up in a decade. No 'career' to return to.

Also not easy to go back to work when you don't earn enough to buy a childminder and your family are alcoholics.

But yeah. All our fault. Probably shouldn't have babies until we're on £45k, right?

"Maybe mummy shouldn't have given up work then! Women - maintain your own financial independence."

My industry was swallowed up and destroyed in the 2008 crash. What was left of it became low-paid and zero hours. Any skills were too specific, everything else too broad. My CV has been ignored for a decade.

But you've got a nice middle-class answer coming up, I can just feel it. Put glitter on wine glasses and flog those? Cupcake baking? Aloe vera?

Fuck's sake. If we're gonna get snarky, maybe it's the divorced ones who are wrong, those who leave dull but safe marriages creating Weekend Dad and Dad's/Mum's New Girl/Boyfriend scenarios. Is that the happiness we should all aspire to?

No one's right or wrong. We all do our best.

Someone who stays with someone they don't love because they want their money is basically prostituting themselves

Mothers who stay in relationships because they wouldn't be able to feed and clothe their children as a single parent are whores now, as well as selfish bitches.
Lovely

People on MN have a real dread of living in a flat above a shop, but, news flash! Living in flat is perfectly fine. I live in a flat and I'm perfectly happy, and plenty of people where I live have kids in flats too. I'd rather that than staying in a dead relationship just to live in a fancy house

So what if you're already in the flat above the chip shop when you;re in your dead marriage, and the only way is down? Are they still whore and horrors as well?

wtf is wrong with people?

'So what if you're already in the flat above the chip shop when you;re in your dead marriage, and the only way is down? Are they still whore and horrors as well? '

Exactly!

Someone who stays with someone they don't love because they want their money is basically prostituting themselves

So what? My problem with prostitution is the vice and exploitation that goes along with it. If a woman chooses to sell sex for money of her own free will and believes that is the optimal way to provide for herself and her children? No judgement from me.

Someone who stays with someone they don't love because they want their money is basically prostituting themselves Unpopular but I agree - what about get jobs or learn to budget the benefits that you will definitely get as a single parent. It is a drop in living standards, but thousands manage.

I don't understand the requirement to hang on to a certain income or living standards or housing association house - that you would put yourself though the misery of being stuck with someone you don't love any more. Yes I understand women are saying they 'do this for their kids' but really we are not a third world country, there are benefits and jobs available.

'Unpopular but I agree - what about get jobs or learn to budget the benefits that you will definitely get as a single parent. It is a drop in living standards, but thousands manage.'

Oh, yeah, those big benefits! All those private LLs out there who just love LP tenants on universal credit or in receipt of LHA. Those plentiful jobs out there, perfect for LPs who may not have access to childcare (especially shift work) or who might have a child with SN.

How about if you're already scraping the barrell? There's always the lovely homeless route.

But hey, you're happy and I'm sure the kids will be, too.

Yeah .

Reading through this thread, a good 80% of the posts refer to money.

What a soul -less way people live. Seriously, money over happiness?

What the hell are these women teaching their daughters? Stay with a man you don't love because it will afford you a nice lifestyle??

How did men become commodities that merely financed women to have an easy life?

expatinscotland As I said, thousands manage.

'What a soul -less way people live. Seriously, money over happiness?'

PMSL at how naive some people are. As my father always said, 'Money isn't everything . . . except when you have none.' Of course, it's all about those nasty whores just taking advantage of the poor menz .

What the hell are these women teaching their daughters? Stay with a man you don't love because it will afford you a nice lifestyle??

Put another way, maybe they're teaching them that, when you have kids who are dependent on you, life is no longer about you, you, you and your own happiness. There are others to consider as well - and sometimes, those needs of those dependent others are paramount. I'd call that being a responsible parent.

OP do you have an education? Money? Your own home? A supportive family? Not everyone does - technically I see your point and have started to cringe at the predictable 'leave the bastard' threads on here - same story different name different day. But it really is not always so simple - although I do wonder how people don't get bored of being upset over the same thing. I think either accept your situation is shit and get on with it or work towards leaving eventually. A lot of the threads I have seen on here suggest some women don't know how to NOT be a victim. I have been in an abusive relationship before by the way.

Yes I have been there... with no money.

I would never chose money over happiness. Each to their own

'As I said, thousands manage.'

Go right out and them medals then! [medal] THOUSANDS on here, over the years, have spelled out exactly why they cannot. And now, with benefits caps, plenty of zero hours jobs out there, lack of childcare for many jobs, it can be nigh on impossible for many, especially if they have children with SN. But hey, it's far easier to sit back and call them whores.

NataliaOsipova I get what you are saying. If a lady stayed with a guy she didn't love for financial reasons she is able to provide (well HE is) for the kids immediate future. Housing, clothes etc

What about when the kids are older...and their normal family life is what they go looking for.. They settle for the first person who is convenient. That's what is the worry I think

I would never chose money over happiness. Each to their own

What if that "money" (ie staying in that relationship) meant your children's happiness? It's usually not as black and white as that.

'Yes I have been there... with no money.

I would never chose money over happiness. Each to their own'

I would never subject my children to abject poverty because of my failure to have what I felt was a successful romantic relationship. But, hey, each to his/her own.

expatinscotland I haven't called anyone a whore. That is your word

Thanks for the medal.

expatinscotland That's nice. Good for you