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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think women should take responsibility for their own happiness and leave an unhappy marraige?

164 replies

PhilCoulsonsLeftHand17 · 03/03/2017 12:41

Name changed as it could be outing if anyone finds the original post this is from.

Read a thread somewhere else 'Ode to Self Sacrifice' from a woman who no longer loves her husband, doesnt find him attractive now but "rolls over" and lets him have sex with her while wishing she was elsewhere or with someone else, fantasises daily with thoughts of leaving with the kids, thinks of how her life could be better without him and telling herself that after the kids are older she can have the life she wants. She claims its just a mothers love and as a 'mother' she has to sacrifice her happiness and stay.

Personally (apart from the women who have been beaten down by years of abuse and have no support to leave which is not the case here) I think she should take some responsibility for herself and her own happiness. She is living a lie and it would be better for everyone if she split. I am sure her kids have picked up on her unhappiness and her husband deserves to find someone who actually loves him back surely?

What happens in 10 years when the kids find out she only stayed 'for them'? How are they going to feel knowing she was unhappy all that time?
What if something happens and she cant leave in 10 years time? Does she continue to live a lie?
What does she tell her husband? "I have not loved you for 10 years, I have bewen lying to you all this time and I am leaving you now"

Surely in 2017 she can take responsibility for her own happiness? Not saying it is easy but its doable if she wants to. Why should her happiness come last in a family? Surely parents who are happy apart is better than unhappy together?

We all sacrifice things for our kids so they get the best we can give them in all aspects of their lives but should we sacrifice our own happiness for 15/20 years?

Disclaimer: its up to each individual how they live their life of course but the post was written in a kind of "when you are a mother this is what you have to do" martyrdom type of way and they believe that most women relate to this which I dont agree with at all.

Takes a deep breath...

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 03/03/2017 14:25

YABU

Original poster
PhilCoulsonsLeftHand17 · 03/03/2017 14:30

DJ:
nobody is 'blaming' anyone for anything.
There is no bandwagon to jump on.
Nobody is talking about abusive relationships, no-one is blaming women who have exceptional circumstances who cannot leave easily.

Just wondered what opinions were about someone (it doesnt even have to be a woman, men are in unhappy relationships too) who is unhappy every day of their life and is not prepared to do anything about it for years as they dont want to lose their lifestyle, or wwyd?

A simple question as I wondered what opinions are, not an argument, not a slagging match just a question based on the post I read. Everyone is entitled to an opinion without being abusive to someone who doesnt have that same opinion.

If this was on the relatiopnship board can you imagin all the LTBs there would be? "Get out and make a life for yourself! You are worth more than being a martyr for years on end."

But someone dares to pose and question and expect an adult discussion and they are basically 'blamed' for the fortunes of women everywhere.

Can we keep it an adult discussion please?

OP posts:
DJBaggySmalls · 03/03/2017 14:43

So how do people without resources leave?
One poster has already blamed women for presuming to trust their partner and make use of that uterus.

We cant even help women who are desperate to leave violence. We cant solve that problem. How do we help women who cant see any other way to live?

MeganChips · 03/03/2017 14:43

I get what you mean OP but I think the reality is so complex.

Imagine a scenario which I think is all too common. You are in a relationship for a couple of decades. Your husband has become fat and complacent, sex has become monotonous and you just take each other for granted.

However, life is ok. There is discontment and the attraction has gone. It will probably never return but the kids are happy and thriving, standard of living is good and you and your partner rub along pretty well. You probably have a laugh on occasion and most of the time you quite like him.

You could be so much happier but also you could upturn everyone's lives for nothing.

I know it's a common belief that if you are unhappy you should just leave but in my experience happy is a sliding scale. Where are the dividing lines between happy, contented, just ok, bored, restless, discontented etc?

I think if someone is really unhappy it's clearer but there are a hell of a lot of shades of grey that come before that.

ApplePaltrow21 · 03/03/2017 14:54

I agree with you but most wont.

Basically, it's the combination of two truths.

(1) patriarchy is real: society generally wants to restrict women's choices to very narrow paths.
(2) human beings (yes, woman too - women are human) don't like responsibility and like to blame bad outcomes on others if they have any choice in the matter

What happens is that people grow up and are rubbing along and then they wake up to feminism/general awakening to how unhappy they are. But it's really scary to actually accept that you actually have choices. Many women don't want equal responsibility over their own lives. They are so used to being told what to do that it's scary to actually choose their own path and be responsible for the consequences. So they choose a cop out. They don't want any blame so they insist that they have no choice in basically... anything that they do. They can't leave their DH because they don't have... 300k. Why 300k? Why not a million? Why not 10m? Because it's fake number meant to comfort them that they have no choices. Then they can blame someone else for their unhappiness and self identify as a martyr (which is the main acceptable female societal role)

In order to maintain this, women have to build up sexism beyond something institutional. It has to be an illuminati level global conspiracy. They can't leave because of Men. Or Society. Or something. They basically act like divorce is this really big deal, despite it being basically extremely common.

Notice on this thread that people act as if women can't leave because of money. Yet, the idea that women don't give up work in order to give them the flexibility to leave is an anathema. They don't want to be able to leave. Many women don't want to have to plan their own futures or be in control of their own standard of living. It's hard to do that. Planning is hard. And it's easier to just give all that power to a man.

TL;DR: planning for your own financial future and being able to take financial care of your dependents is part of being a functional adult but society encourages women to be sexy babies with no responsibility or power. Many "feminists" don't want "men's" responsibilities, just to get sympathy when it all goes tits up.

BBCNewsRave · 03/03/2017 14:56

I think part of the problem is that people retreat into their nuclear families and aren't there to support of just spend time with each other. People are so used to the idea of being coupled up they kid themselves it's ok, or would be worse without a partner. So it's kind of all our faults, for living like that.

TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork · 03/03/2017 14:57

Many women don't want equal responsibility over their own lives. They are so used to being told what to do that it's scary to actually choose their own path and be responsible for the consequences. So they choose a cop out. They don't want any blame so they insist that they have no choice in basically... anything that they do

This is unbelievably patronising. It's also untrue and pretty dickish.

Original poster
PhilCoulsonsLeftHand17 · 03/03/2017 14:57

Yes its comnplicated.

But (as in the piece I mentioned) if you were very unhappy, really didnt even like your partner any more. If you had options to leave even if it meant a lower standard of living but you were much happier and not pretending every day wouldnt that be preferable? Would you continue to stay with the growing resentment of having to pretend every day, wash his clothes, have sex with someone you dont find attractive or even like, put on a show for the family and friends and your kids for years?

I am not saying anyone who does this is 'wrong' just wondering what others would do. (I dont expect everyone to have the same opinions)

Doesnt the husband have a right to know that his wife despises him and is only staying for the lifestyle?

OP posts:
TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork · 03/03/2017 14:58

Doesnt the husband have a right to know that his wife despises him and is only staying for the lifestyle?

If he doesn't know he's an idiot anyway.

splendide · 03/03/2017 15:04

I wouldn't leave DH if I didn't love him anymore.

DS loves him and needs him and I am not prepared to live apart from DS.

PhilODox · 03/03/2017 15:06

Or maybe they just actually want to see their own children every day, rather than only 7/14?Hmm

Original poster
PhilCoulsonsLeftHand17 · 03/03/2017 15:06

Apple

What happens is that people grow up and are rubbing along and then they wake up to feminism/general awakening to how unhappy they are. But it's really scary to actually accept that you actually have choices.

This is probably true for a lot of people it just seems to be 'acceptable' in society for it to be harder for women to do anything about it. This is what needs to change.

OP posts:
splendide · 03/03/2017 15:10

Sorry should add that I wouldn't accept the premise that that means I am not taking responsibility for my own happiness.

Kiroro · 03/03/2017 15:34

Pack up kids, mummy's got her eye on a cracking studio flat above the chippy. Somehow I'll manage to pay a childminder, rent, bills and food on the £14k salary

Maybe mummy shouldn't have given up work then! Women - maintain your own financial independence. There is NOT reason why you have to be the low earning in the relationship. Set your aspirations a but bloody higher.

Kiroro · 03/03/2017 15:36

Many women don't want to have to plan their own futures or be in control of their own standard of living. It's hard to do that. Planning is hard. And it's easier to just give all that power to a man.

Word

TheOnlyLivingBoiInNewCork · 03/03/2017 15:38

Maybe mummy shouldn't have given up work then

Because mummy is a fortune teller and can see the future? Maybe she got made redundant? Maybe he convinced her to sacrifice her career for his? Maybe she got pregnant unexpectedly? Maybe she got sick or mentally ill?

Maybe you shouldn't be such a weapon to other women who might not be as lucky as you?

Astoria7974 · 03/03/2017 15:40

I agree with OP 100%. If you can't even make yourself happy you'll never teach your kids how to do it. It takes effort to be happy.

splendide · 03/03/2017 15:47

Maybe mummy shouldn't have given up work then! Women - maintain your own financial independence. There is NOT reason why you have to be the low earning in the relationship. Set your aspirations a but bloody higher.

I earn around 10 x my DH's salary (he works 2 days a week). It doesn't give me the freedom to leave, quite the opposite. DH would probably be the resident parent and I am not prepared to live apart from my toddler.

Astoria7974 · 03/03/2017 15:52

Splendide - get your dh into full time work then. I earn 10x more than my dh too, but we both work ft and have used daycares and nurseries quite successfully with dsd

80schild · 03/03/2017 15:54

OP's statement assumes that any split will be amicable and that a person's situation is intolerable to live with. Each case is different and we are not in a position to judge.

Christmasnoooooooooooo · 03/03/2017 15:57

Where does a mother with her kids if she leaves her partner. Partners just won't go unless they want too. So who take in mother and their kids . Men can home to mum or round a single mates ,without their kids .

expatinscotland · 03/03/2017 16:01

'But (as in the piece I mentioned) if you were very unhappy, really didnt even like your partner any more. If you had options to leave even if it meant a lower standard of living but you were much happier and not pretending every day wouldnt that be preferable? Would you continue to stay with the growing resentment of having to pretend every day, wash his clothes, have sex with someone you dont find attractive or even like, put on a show for the family and friends and your kids for years?

I am not saying anyone who does this is 'wrong' just wondering what others would do. (I dont expect everyone to have the same opinions)'

For my kids, yes. Their happiness isn't about 'show'. I love my spouse, so this is theoretical for me, but quite frankly my kids have been through a shitload of bad things - most of all, the death of their elder sister from cancer. Then DS was diagnosed with autism. We're working poor. I love my husband, but if I didn't, I wouldn't leave because I have a fucking duty to those kids not to fuck up their lives even more. My 'happiness' is secondary to theirs because they are powerless at this time. I have a responsibility, not to make them pay for my poor decisions or feelings by compromising their lives (leaving would impoverish us further). I'm an adult, part of that is learning that you have responsibility for the choices you make and their consequences and visiting on them on others who are powerless to do anything about it is something you need to consider carefully because that decision will have consequences on them, too.

Again, not talking about abuse or disrespect, but hell, I'm a grown up. I realise that 'happiness' is comprised of much more than just a romantic relationship.

BitchQueen90 · 03/03/2017 16:05

Erm I am that LP on a £14k salary living above a pizza place and me and DS are happy as Larry. Certainly better than him living in an environment where me and his father do not talk to each other except to argue. It's not all about material things. Hmm

However. I don't agree entirely with the OP as every situation is different. Some people don't leave out of fear. Some women have no family to turn to. Some people live in very expensive areas where one income isn't enough.

I do believe that life is too short to be unhappy though. My heart goes out to women in that situation.

MissAdaSmith · 03/03/2017 16:24

By not becoming solely financially dependent on their DPs, by not giving up their careers

I would love to know how this is possible with a severely disabled child that requires 24/7 care and zero access to childcare.

AndNowItsSeven · 03/03/2017 16:28

"but should we sacrifice our own happiness for 15/20 years?"
Yes , you chose to have children with their father the children didn't choose to be conceived.

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