Your husband "working away sometimes" does not mean you are virtually a single parent!Argh!!!

[MyMushroomsInATimeSlip]

I've heard this a few times from people I know and several times from the same person. Just in case anyone is ever tempted to utter this phrase to a single parent please bear in mind that single parenting involves a lot more than taking care of your home and children by yourself for a few days of a week.
Try considering holidays, children's birthdays, Christmas, Easter, special o ccassions on your own. Half the income. No help if you're ill, no lie in. Ever! The stigma of being single and a single parent - not especially helped by the media and politicians, constant guilt about not giving your child a bigger/better family. Having no-one to talk to about your day. The fear of your child ever being I'll and needing to take time off work. Again. As no-one else will do it. The fear of being so ill/hospitalised that you can't care for your child and no-one else will. Or even worse - dying and leaving them all alone. Having no-one to share your child's achievements, milestones, funny quirks and comments with. Making do with cuddles only from a small person and knowing that this won't last. The terribleness of online dating, or just dating in general! Feeling crap every time you can't make it to a school event which seem to happen every other day and having no-one else to ask. Being solely in charge of another person's emotional, physical and social well-being. Oh, and not forgetting having no photos of yourself with you child as there's never anyone there to take them!!

Rant over.

It's no-one having your back.
I've got good friends but none are local. My mum died recently after a long illness and my dad (they were divorced) just doesn't get it.
I can't get childcare for the occasional weekend I'm going to have to start working and no one to share my worries with.

My child's father lives abroad so I get a few days a year 'off' but other than that he's with me whenever he's not at nursery.

But, my ex was an abusive twat so I'm glad he's not around. Every cloud...

It's like someone with flu comparing themselves to someone dying of cancer, isnt it?

'I feel so ill and rubbish. I am wiped out with exhaustion. I feel like you!'

'Well no, because you will get better. I won't.'

'Huh. You're denying me my reality. I'm ILL.'

Yes, you are, but there's an end to it. And all the time there's a 'stfu' aspect to it - don't you moan about YOUR life, lone parent! MY life is just as bad! Nay, worse!

I'd much rather be a single parent than one stuck in an emotionally, financially, and/or physically abusive relationship but too scared to leave, because I thought I couldn't manage as a single parent. Sometimes we need to be a little careful of the message we are giving.

Breaking way from abuse leads to a much easier happier life, despite the loan parent element.

Cherry - but no one encourages women to stay. The opposite.

I actually think this insistence that once an abusive partner has left life will be sunshine and lollipops is more harmful. Women aren't stupid. It's better to say - yes, it will be hard but doable.

mymushroom

If I'm honest, not really. It's a lonely position to be in. I know I'm not a single parent but that's only by way of the fact that I see my husband for about 35 hours in total at the weekend. I suppose this too shall pass but it's exhausting and I have family members who are total dicks about it

Come to think of it I don't have a network of lone parents either! But I have always tried to offer childcare to other parents when I can, and built a network of people who help each other out on occasion. It all gets a bit easier when the dc get older too-sleepovers etc.
Weekends can be tough though, because it can get lonely, and you don't want to encroach on the "family time" of 2 parent families. Endless Sundays in the park, and trying to make it fun...aarrgh! And holidays with no adult company when by day 4 you are overly chatty with people in shops because you are going a bit mad...
What gets my goat is when I was unemployed for a while and desperate, and people would say "cant you work in Tesco/get a bar job?" Er..no, I cant work evenings or weekends! And then you get that look, like you're just being awkward...
I'm really lucky to have some family support, but even I couldn't expect a regular babysitter several times a week. Same thing with wanting to do an evening class or a regular exercise class, or being everyone at work going for an impromptu drink..can't!
And some of us have ill and ageing relatives as well as full responsibility for dc. But mainly, for me, its the financial aspect, above all else, and the impact on my work life due to the restrictions on what kind of hours I can work.

It entirely depends on the situation - if your OH spend a majority of their working time away and they are only physically living at home for a minority, then you are effectively single parenting for that time, but if it's just that your OH works long hours or goes away for work a couple of days every few months then that's just a work/life balance causing you to be doing the majority of the parenting.

I am a single parent and yes I have to budget more carefully on just my wage, it requires a lot more schedule organization and relying on wraparound childcare to cover the gaps that a lot of two parent households don't have to do, but I honestly don't feel like it's a huge difference being a single parent to when my Ex and I were together.

I come from a two parent household, but my father has worked offshore almost his entire career, spending 9 months of the year (usually in 3 month away, 1 month at home bursts) away from home out on a boat in the middle of the ocean somewhere, and for those 9 months my mother was a single parent to me, my brother and sister. The other three months he would be physically at home and so could do the school runs/taxi service, but it was always mum that had the final word on anything because she was the full time parent - much like I am the final word for my DD as I am the resident parent.

Yes she had the security of his money coming in every month, but she still had all the day to day issues that I have with my daughter - getting us up, dressed and to school on time, ferrying to half a dozen different activities, tea on the table every night, help with homework etc - and when you only had chance to have one call a week (and even that depended on the satellite signal) there is very little, day to day, differences between having a husband who primarily works away and being a single parent.

yes she had the security of his money coming in every month
Just a small difference

Yeah, just a little one ...

i split up with my ex early january. he was incredibly violent and we have a 2 year old and a then 12 week old. he may probably be never allowed to have our kids, his family decided im an evil spiteful cow so have cut me and kids off. my mum is an alcoholic with liver chirrosis. i really do have no one.

DH travels a lot and I work FT. It is a struggle BUT I know I have it easier than a LP. First I have the money DH brings in to fix stuff and he does eventually come home. Just sucks when he is away over the weekend, like this one when I have worked the past two weekends.

I am now good friends with a single mother from DD's class last year. Her marriage fell apart when her younger DD was 18 months old. She called me one morning in an absolute panic because one of her DD's was sick and she had no to help her. I stopped what I was doing and came and helped her, picking up the well DD and taking her to school plus having my nanny pick her up for a playdate after. She was so shocked that I did that and later told me she had called 3 people before me who said all would be ok. Before returning her DD that night (fed and bathed) I called ahead to make sure she had what she needed because I knew she couldn't leave her DC to go get things during the night plus dragging a sick child to the shops is just awful for all involved.

As mothers we need to stick together. We all have shit situations to deal with but I agree with the OP that being a single parent isn't the same as being a parent whose OH travels a lot. I am that mother with a travelling OH. It is challenging but nothing close to what I see my single parent friends do.

Try considering holidays, children's birthdays, Christmas, Easter, special o ccassions on your own. Half the income. No help if you're ill, no lie in. Ever!

I am a single parent, and one of the many, many reasons my relationship broke up was that even when we were supposed to be a family, the above was still true. I worked (mostly from home, at night when my baby was asleep), I brought in most of the income, I did all the childcare, except when I paid for the childcare I needed to do the bit of my job I couldn't do from home. I did all the housework. I took DS out by myself because OH was so unreliable, and we'd never have gone out unless I made it happen. I kept up relationships with both our families, and was always the one who took DS to see his grandparents on his dad's side, not just my mum. I did it all, every day, including the holidays, including if I was ill. My then OH was either out, or when he was home he was sleeping. (I used to resent him sleeping SO MUCH, when I was so badly sleep-deprived all the time. It's a miracle I didn't put a pillow over his face.) My life became easier when I split up from OH, because him being around didn't help me at all, just added to the mounds of laundry. How involved he was with DS at the time can be illustrated by the fact that DS did not notice when then-OH moved out.

So, I've been a single parent all DS's life, even the few years when I technically wasn't, so I do understand when people say this.

Well said OP, completely agree I have a couple of married friends who spend most of their time complaining about how useless their OHs are and assure me their situation is far worse than being a single parent. On the one hand, I can see where they're coming from, because living with my exh was just like having another teenager in the house and way more stressful than being on my own, but on the other hand, a) it's not remotely the same (esp. being the only one bringing in money and having to take responsibility for absolutely everything all of the time) and b) if your OH is that bad who not just ltb. They both do part-time jobs because OHs earn decent salaries and have loads of time for hobbies/eating out, etc. The last time I ate out was for my eldest son's birthday, last Autumn, and I've yet to see one of them spend a weekend painting their house or doing DIY.

On the plus side you do get awesome at DIY. And spider removal. Also flatpack furniture, and in my case basketball. And my dc sees me as a capable person. In fact ds told me the other night, in a moment or rare soppiness, that I was his "role model" which was a shock! Sad its not his Dad, but quite proud really (and sure this will change the minute he hits 13 )

Archery Annie

That sounds rough! Your Oh sounds totally useless so yes you were in essense a single parent.

But it wasnt because your husband was working away a few times times a week. I think the OPs point is people who have a working semi useful partner, who just is away for say half the week moaning their lives are so difficult and the same as not having a husband at all.

whereas yours was the same as not having a husband at all! Well done you for getting rid :)

Why do we always feel the need to be so competitive?

Some lone parents are crap parents, some are ace. Being alone does not make you a good/bad parent. Some lone parents are surrounded by love, family, support and have a great income to help. Some do not. Some absent parents are completely absent. Some are hands on and available.

Everyone has a threshold that can be breached. Everyone has the capacity to be envious at all or part of other people's lives. Everyone has a breaking point.

Of the single or lone parents I know, some find it harder than others, one is very much "poor me" even though she has support, the others get their heads down and just get on with it - just like lots of other people.

I have a serious, lifelong, chronic skin complaint. If my friends, or someone on a forum says "I feel so bad and hate myself because I have spots/have acne etc" I don't say "stop talking rubbish you don't know what it's like etc etc" I sympathise, empathise or offer a shoulder or a cup of tea. Because that's the right thing to do.

Our own personal situations do not negate other people's feelings.

Having been a single parent, and also a single parent with a husband, I can say that being properly single was preferable.

Preferable to doing all that stuff in the OP alone, having no income, having no support, doing it all completely alone because your so called "partner" refused to give anything in terms of physical, practical, emotional or financial support. He lived at the same address as me and that was about it. When I kicked him out, nothing changed on a day to day level but I didnt have that burning bitterness of having a husband that did nothing, that my kids had a father who barely acknowledged their existence. He then had them EOW for a few months so spent more time doing stuff for them after we split up than before. Except that it turned out to be too much like hard work so he dumped them both and we never heard from him again. The depression that was crippling me lifted the day he left too.

I don't see being a LP as a terrible thing and I choose not to let the ignorance of others who think it is, enter my consciousness. Not all LP's are in the same boat, I know many LP's who have a more (not entirely) equitable division of childcare than many who are in relationships with their children's other parent.

Yes being a LP does have its downsides but so does being in a shitty relationship and just because someone is in a relationship (as the Relationship board is testament to) not all relationships are healthy, let alone happy ones. For me personally, the upsides outweigh the down; I don't have to defer to someone who sees parenting as synonymous with having a vagina, I don't have to justify what I spend while he could do whatever he wanted because he was the breadwinner, I don't feel pressured (but got no recognition for) social planning, being the default parent and sorting out stuff that was in any way connected to the home.

I was a virtual LP before I became an official one and being official, is personally more preferable to people expecting that having a partner meant that I was in a partnership, when I wasn't. In fact, as soon as I became a mothe to DD (unbeknown to me at the time) I became a parent to an adult male and it took far too bloody long before I could acknowledge this. I dread to think of all the gender stereotype bullshit that DD would have been exposed to had I stayed with her father.

In short, not all LP's are made the same just like not all families with two parents are the same. Yes it's hard raising a child alone but raising a child in an unequal relationship is harder, I know because I've done both.

I agree, it completely depends. Some single parents say their life got easier when their partner left.

There are single parents and single parents. Some have money in the bank, many don't. Some have plenty of support, many don't.

If you are comparing yourself to a single parent who has a boyfriend, supportive family nearby and has a good income then maybe it is comparable if your husband is travelling 300 days a year and you don't have friends/family that can help out. We moved abroad when my kids were small, to start with I had no friends and family. When my husband travelled for work and was 5000 miles away I felt very alone. No I wasn't a single parent and never said that, but I felt very isolated. My son got sick and needed a night time hospital trip when my husband was 1300 miles away for a week and I had to wake my second child. The washing machine broke down and flooded the garage that same week.

I had a friend who was single, her husband sadly died but she was doing ok. Her mother lived nearby and was willing to drop things and take her girls whenever she needed a break or wanted a weekend away and I and other friends did as well. His life insurance paid out a good sum and she didn't need to work and she had started to date. I won't say it was easy because she was grieving, but she did ok.

Isetan I was just going to write a post saying that, but you've beat me to it. I felt like a single parent before I split up with my ex, largely because he didn't do anything in the house, very rarely took responsibility for the kids, worked ridiculous hours every week. We never did anything together as a family, and I may as well have been a single parent..

It's actually easier now that I am on my own, as the financially controlling, emotionally abusive, alcoholic waste of space no longer lives here.

Its the 2 incomes or one good income. I work ft, get paid shit wages and get told regularly on here... why should we pay for you? Get a better job. And worse... you shouldnt have kids if you cant afford then when all the while i am sliding deeper and deeper into the quicksand and trying to keep us afloat

My kids 'father' is abusive aswell, yes it would have been a million times harder trying to raise a child with him, but why should that take away the fact that it's still hard raising a child completely alone with no support? Why does it have to be one or the other and why are people consistently being silenced if they dare to say that actually they think being a lone parent sucks?

No one is saying that people can't say being a lone parent sucks . It was the other way around: a lone parent saying that all lone parents have it worse than all parents whose partner works away, and that parents whose partner works away basically don't know they are born.
There was no regard to how much time the partner works away, how much support each party might have, whether for the lone parent there is an ex taking the kids for weekends, or a supportive grandparent willing to chip in.
To my mind in part it depends on what exactly you mean by parenting, but for the lengthy periods my partner is away my reality is that I parent my kids alone. My kids don't ask where their dad is, or when he's coming back. They don't ask or expect him to come to plays, parents evenings, sen reviews. He doesn't help with their homework each night, organise costumes for world book day, make packed lunches, fill in forms. If I am ill I get no respite (even when he is here actually), if someone has a nightmare or is sick in the night it is me and me alone who is available to respond. I haven't spoken to my partner (who is away at the moment) since Tuesday as it happens; I assume the time difference from his current location is preventing it. I accept that there is a financial difference and that yes, sometimes dh is at home and yes it is easier then. I am not saying lone parents have it easier. I understand the crushing weight of responsibility and the relentlessness of it. I have no family nearer than 2 hours away and no local respite. I am profoundly grateful that I do get some times as a coparent. The difference is, I am not scoffing at people or engaging in a pissing contest of competitive oneupmanship. I don't think I am the same as a single parent all the time. But I do think I act as a single parent for large swathes of my time, and yes it's bloody hard. And I don't think that my daily experience is much different from a lone parent when dh is away, and yet I am basically being told in the OP that I have no idea and am a baby if I find it hard because others have it worse. I know others have it worse. Why does it have to be a competition? Why can't parents whose partners work away feel like it's hard and they are, in effect, acting as a lone parent during those times? How does that deny the experience of "actual" lone parents?

But he is EARNING MONEY.

I have one source of income. Myself. Me.

It's really not a hard concept to grasp.

Old bird. You are certain in sole charge of the home and children WHILE your husband is away. The day to day experience has similarities. My op is about acknowledging the wider ranging and longer term issues. I have not called anyone a baby or any other names

Welcome back squirmy. Will you be my new best friend?!