Your husband "working away sometimes" does not mean you are virtually a single parent!Argh!!!

[MyMushroomsInATimeSlip]

I've heard this a few times from people I know and several times from the same person. Just in case anyone is ever tempted to utter this phrase to a single parent please bear in mind that single parenting involves a lot more than taking care of your home and children by yourself for a few days of a week.
Try considering holidays, children's birthdays, Christmas, Easter, special o ccassions on your own. Half the income. No help if you're ill, no lie in. Ever! The stigma of being single and a single parent - not especially helped by the media and politicians, constant guilt about not giving your child a bigger/better family. Having no-one to talk to about your day. The fear of your child ever being I'll and needing to take time off work. Again. As no-one else will do it. The fear of being so ill/hospitalised that you can't care for your child and no-one else will. Or even worse - dying and leaving them all alone. Having no-one to share your child's achievements, milestones, funny quirks and comments with. Making do with cuddles only from a small person and knowing that this won't last. The terribleness of online dating, or just dating in general! Feeling crap every time you can't make it to a school event which seem to happen every other day and having no-one else to ask. Being solely in charge of another person's emotional, physical and social well-being. Oh, and not forgetting having no photos of yourself with you child as there's never anyone there to take them!!

Rant over.

For me the worst part is the psychological effects.
Its absolutely crushing not to have that other person there in person, or on the end of the phone to share lovely news with about dc or talk through issues concerning them. Ever. To know that "this is it". Its a horrible feeling.

Then there's my 'break' from DC eow. Well, in actual fact it's my child being taken from me. Sounds awfully dramatic I know, bit this is what it still feels like to me. Because a split isn't what I wanted and I would have done anything to make things work.
So off he popped, and so does my precious child every other weekend. I have no choice whatsoever in the matter, it's awful and I dread those weekends.
Do when people talk about the "break" I do bristle (internally) slightly.
When its not a choice whether you see you children or not, its hard to swallow.

Obviously financially I haven't got a pot to piss in either, and I'm run ragged working a stressful job on top. so that's nice!

Anyway, that's my tuppence worth

for all those having a tough time, whatever your circumstances are xx

I think OP's point is that it's annoying when someone tries to claim they know how you feel but they're actually not on the same level at all. e.g. my DH is away three days of the week but still providing financially and emotionally involved in my kids lives VS a single parent having to juggle childcare, financial issues, working full time, time off when kid is suddenly sick at school etc.

If you have a DP that's totally shit or even abusive you might well be in a worse situation that a single parent. Likewise I know one single mum who has an amazing career; her parents are very energetic, but retired - in their 60s and super involved in her DS's life. She also has her DB and DSil (who is a SAHM) in the same village so she has more help and support and a better social life than almost any married person I know.

Your OH is abusive?

I was also in an abusive relationship. I left him so that I could raise my son in a stable environment. I can't really say much else to you. Being a single parent is 10,000 better than being in an abusive relationship and I hope your life improves one day.

I'm married to a police officer. Both our families are a long long way away. We have 2 incomes but everything else I do. Everything. He cannot plan or guarantee to attend any school things/cover holidays/sick days etc because if it isn't work cancelled rest days it's court calling him. It's always been like this, getting worse with each budget cut. We certainly have 2 incomes but I genuinely think I'm a one-man band as far as the day to day stuff goes. And you don't have many adult conversations when he's done a 16-20 hour shift and arrives home at mignight!

I have several single parent friends - some are totally on their own - no support/interest from ex and no nearby family. They do struggle a lot.

Some have very supportive exs - I have one where ex voluntarily took kids away and filled her fridge when she was poorly. They very much co-parent still and it works well (if you can still be friends).

I also have a few who have crap exs but very active parents, they are very supportive emotionally and financially!
One in particular gives me a lot of grief for not going out with her but frankly I can't afford it and I have no childcare as DH is away! She doesn't understand as she has childcare on tap.

You can't compare one persons experience to another.

And loneliness like I never imagined.

My husband works away from home for many weeks at a time and people are often saying to me that I'm basically a single parent. I'm very quick to correct them that it is not the same thing even slightly! I have many friends who are single parents and the challenges that they face are far harder than anything I have to deal with. I do go to most days out /camping trips etc. alone but this has just given me a huge respect for people who are on their own full time.

World of difference. I've done both. DP died when three kids under 10. No realistically nearby family (60 miles minimum), and because of previous long hours culture no friends either. Developed heart problems, and no longer in work. Sounds terrible, and for several years it was: a week could pass between conversations with other adults for example. Kids now older, spreading their wings, a bit more plugged in locally, and things working out much better. Took time though.

One of my friends has split up with her husband. They take it in turns to have their 2 children. She has them 7 days (and nights) and then he has them 7 days (and nights)...

When it's her week off, she is going to the gym, going out socialising a lot, having lie ins and generally having a brilliant time.
When it's her week on, she classes herself as a struggling single mum.

I'm not going to pretend I know exactly what it's like to be a single mum, but I am 100% sure it's nothing like what she is experiencing.

iMogster how many mother's do you know would choose to give up their children every other week?
To not see them 7 days at a time?
To give up 26 weeks a year, miss half their lives?

I'm glad your friend fills her time and has fun. I hope I get there some day. I am also very sure there are times she misses her children.

I am without my children every other weekend. Sometimes I mope in bed, sometimes I go out - because I have to make this work. I'd give up every cinema trip, shopping trip, lazy day in bed for things to be different.

Shared parenting isn't always an easy amazing form of single parentdom.

Exactly what I was taking about upthread.

This friend is probably going out and busying herself because she's trying to distract herself from not seeing her children for long periods of time. Regularly.
I don't know how your friend manages 7 days to be honest. A weekend is bad enough.

I get this so much "oo, I envy you with a child free weekend".
Yes I'm sure you would like some time to yourself, but these arrangements are not a one off.
Its regular and it fucking hurts when the choice is taken away from you.

Private it's difficult isn't it.
I didn't comment on your post because I feel misleading - I chose to end my marriage. But this isn't how I wanted my life to be either.

You are right! I was raised by a single mum, and I maintain the women is a hero!

My DH is military and gets shipped off for 6-9 months at a time. Its very hard work! To parents that complain their partner is away for a week or so: YOU KNOW NOTHING! To single mums and dads: I get a small taste every now and again... you guys are awesome!!

God what an awful thread this is. 'My life is so much worse than yours and I deserve a medal'.

Life is going to be easier if you have a good support network around you and if you are not struggling financially, whether you are single or not.

Mental health issues can make life harder. Loneliness too, comes to many people, single or not. Being poor is stressful for everyone.

I deleted my post before posting as I didn't want to out myself. We should be more accepting of other people's positions and experiences. We should be more supportive to other parents trying to bring up their children the best way they can with whatever situation they have been given.

You are not a better mum or dad because you did it alone or as a couple. I hate all these comments saying 'hats off......your amazing' I know loads of amazing women. Some in a couple and some single parents. They are supermums and its not because they are on there own or part of a couple, it's because they are fucking awesome.

I disagree. I like the hats off to single mothers posts. There should be greater acknowledgment. I think some sort of recognition is well deserved and overdue.

For years single mothers have been stigmatised and looked down on. Pitied and judged by wider society. Always received the thin end of the wedge when in reality being a lone parent is damn hard and even as parts of this thread demonstrate, beyond the comprehension of some.

Of course people with mental health issues etc..can struggle too. But its not a game of name whose illness is worse. And of course its not mutually exclusive - single mums have mental health problems too. Its simply a pat on the back by those of us who are painfully aware how much harder it is on your own.

I don't think it's a competition and I don't think it's accurate to say as a blanket all the one set of mothers has it easier or harder than others.

I do know some single mothers who don't have much support and really struggle. I also know some who have an awful lot of family support and free childcare who manage to work without struggle and have active social lives and a good income.

I also know some people whose husband's work away who find it a real struggle, lack support and find it very lonely and isolating.

I can appreciate it might be annoying for them to refer to themselves like that. But I don't think competitive martyrdom by group is really helpful to anyone when people are individuals with their own sets of problems.

"Those of us who are painfully aware, how very much harder it is in your own"
Not in every case it isn't. Posters on this thread have given many examples of when being married, but isolated with no support what so ever and Dh away, can be harder than being a single but very well supported mother.
You don't want to listen or even contemplate that. But I agree with Notapissingcontest this thread is bloody awful. You are dismissing the experience of a group of woman, but never mind eh.

I would never say that I'm just like a single parent but what I do find is that, as a married person, people assume that I've got that support from my husband and leave us to it.
As I said earlier, that's not usually the case.
It's very very isolating having no family nearby and basically parenting on your own within a marriage.
Yes - you may ask why I've not ended it, but there so many complications involving both us and the children and life just isn't always that simple.
But there are many MANY times where as good as on my own. But I then still have someone there to have to attempt to get involved. To have to attempt to make decisions so that at least I can tell myself I tried.
Single parenting may actually, in my case, be easier but just incredibly complicated to sort out. I'll get there.

So - what I'm trying to say, is that you cannot generalise. Every situation is different and sometimes being married is just as difficult. Ok - the financial side might not be, but it depends. I know of someone who is married but financially carries everything as he's a raging alcoholic who basically drinks away his wage.

Great rant mushroom. It does all work out in the end though. I said to my 18 yo today that I was sorry I hadn’t been able to give her all the things I had wanted to and she just stared and said, no I’m really happy, I’ve always been really happy. And because there’s only so much you can boast post on FB about your kids achievements and it would be difficult to contextualise that one, thanks for giving me the chance to share that.

Bake off. Ive been in all 3 positions as have many of my friends.....unlike some of those commenting on here or they would have said.

So yes its my opinion. Lone parents in general have it far harder. It would be disingenuous for me to pretend otherwise.

Well my opinion is different so we will have to agree to disagree.

When my dc were little dh had a job that started out 7-4 Mon to Fri. After a few years the improvements made by the company meant he worked 6am-7.30pm. We didnt actively decide this it crept up.
Dh would arrive home, eat, fall asleep on the sofa before I woke him to go to bed at 9pm. He was in a very physically demanding, low paid job.
I also worked although part time.

Financially I would have been better off as a single parent claiming benefits - I looked into it at the time.

Dh would spend a few hours Saturday as a family but would get very grumpy on the Sunday knowing he had to return to work the next day.
I felt that my life would be much easier as a single parent as I would get some time to myself.

Fortunately dh changed jobs and we now have a much more normal family life where we both feel supported by each other but there was a time when I very much felt alone while parenting.

Gah! You are so right. People can never fully understand just how all-consuming being an lp is - and I only have dd 50%! Thing is I work long hours, so when I'm not working, I have dd. I cannot go to the gym/go for a run/go out for a drink with friends. I got really depressed (actually clinically) last year and when I examined my life I realised I had absolutely no hobbies or any thing in my life that I did "just for fun" and because I enjoyed it. Absolutely no "me time" at all. And although I recognised that was something I needed to change to improve my mood, I still haven't really managed it. There is no one else to take the pressure off, even for 5 minutes. No one to do the bath and bedtime routine while you nip out to the shops or go to the gym. Not even for one night a week. It is relentless.

Yes but girl he came home. You still had him there to sound off to, even if it was only for 5 minutes a day. You didn't sleep alone everything night. You didn't have only one income. You got to do things together as a family at the weekend, and could take it in turns to give each other a lie-in. Can you not see the difference? Thing is I think you never know what it's like until you live it. I did the right thing in leaving exp as we weren't right for each other. But I was naive and really didn't know how hard it would be until I became a single parent. Had I known, I may not have left!