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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Your husband "working away sometimes" does not mean you are virtually a single parent!Argh!!!

270 replies

MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 03/03/2017 12:41

I've heard this a few times from people I know and several times from the same person. Just in case anyone is ever tempted to utter this phrase to a single parent please bear in mind that single parenting involves a lot more than taking care of your home and children by yourself for a few days of a week.
Try considering holidays, children's birthdays, Christmas, Easter, special o ccassions on your own. Half the income. No help if you're ill, no lie in. Ever! The stigma of being single and a single parent - not especially helped by the media and politicians, constant guilt about not giving your child a bigger/better family. Having no-one to talk to about your day. The fear of your child ever being I'll and needing to take time off work. Again. As no-one else will do it. The fear of being so ill/hospitalised that you can't care for your child and no-one else will. Or even worse - dying and leaving them all alone. Having no-one to share your child's achievements, milestones, funny quirks and comments with. Making do with cuddles only from a small person and knowing that this won't last. The terribleness of online dating, or just dating in general! Feeling crap every time you can't make it to a school event which seem to happen every other day and having no-one else to ask. Being solely in charge of another person's emotional, physical and social well-being. Oh, and not forgetting having no photos of yourself with you child as there's never anyone there to take them!!

Rant over.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 03/03/2017 13:10

I want to go out clubbing every other weekend!

Not really. I'm past it.

I know everyone's situation is different for many reasons, single parent or not.

OP posts:
Permanentlyexhausted · 03/03/2017 13:10

I think the best thing is just accept that everyone's lives and experiences are different and no two are the same.

There are many ways in which the life of a lone parent or a single parent may be more difficult than the life of a happily married parent, but there are also a significant number of married/partnered parents for whom life may be a lot easier on their own. And everyone has their highs and lows in life and no-one knows when difficulties or a tragedy might strike.

As the saying goes you should never judge someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.

NKFell · 03/03/2017 13:13

I think the PP isn't the norm though. When I was a single parent to my three DCs their Dad was unreliable most of the time and because I work full time my down time was mainly spent working, washing and cleaning.

I think whether you're in a relationship with the other parent does make a difference and if it doesn't, if you're in the relationship- get out!

TwitterQueen1 · 03/03/2017 13:13

Skerry What are "just saying". I really don't get it. If you RTT, the point has been made several times that there is a HUGE difference between being a single parent and being a lone parent.

I'm a lone parent and its FUCKING HARD.

NKFell · 03/03/2017 13:14

Not you perm! By PP I meant the one with the clubber friend!

skerrywind · 03/03/2017 13:15

OP you can't generalise about groups of people like this.

Whether single or partnered, we all have our own struggles in life.

You may be married and have a husband in the military, living in crap accommodation, nowing no-one and miserable. You may be single and have lots of family around, you may be married and have a child with SN or a life limiting condition. You may be married and have a violent or alcoholic husband.
You may be caring for an elderly parent.

A lot of these "resonsibilities " are not actually always shared within a relationship, the sorting out school stuff, dealing with bullying, illness.

All children have had a father at one point, and even if a relationship is over continue to take an active role in a child's life.

RedAndYellowPeppers · 03/03/2017 13:15

Being a LP and having a husband who is away a lot isn't the same.
It doesn't mean that being a LP isn't hard nor does it mean that being married to someone who is never there is easy either.
Both have their own set of difficulties.

Jazzywazzydodah · 03/03/2017 13:16

Every ones experience is different.

I've been on both sides of the fence and it not too dissimilar tbh. Why not acknowledge how hard every mother works rather than who has it shit the most?

skerrywind · 03/03/2017 13:17

twitter- the OP is talking about single parents. The clue is even in the title.

Original poster
MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 03/03/2017 13:17

Skerry. I'm not trying to generalise. I'm talking about my own experiences and suggesting points to consider from my own situation. There will be many other points to consider also

OP posts:
IamFriedSpam · 03/03/2017 13:19

YANBU. My DH often works long hours and if I'm ill on top of it I still get to think "just have to hold on until Friday". It's also more than just the practical help and extra salary it's having someone to off load to about the kids that cares as much as you do,

Squirmy65ghyg · 03/03/2017 13:19

"All children have had a father at one point, and even if a relationship is over continue to take an active role in a child's life"

My abusive ex husband doesn't? Wtf?

Are you being deliberately goady?

chipscheesentomatosauce · 03/03/2017 13:20

I'm technically a single parent, and so the bulk of the day to day stuff, but my DS stays with his dad 10 nights per month. I genuinely don't know how I'd manage being a lone parent. Maybe because I've never really had to, apart from when ex worked away for 8 months solid, but our set up has made me too selfish to think I could ever do it all, all day, every day. And I only have the one! So I have a lot of respect for those who do.

Original poster
MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 03/03/2017 13:20

Skerry. Yes all children have a second parent but not all continue to be involved in any way at all after a split unfortunately. It's great when it works well but sometimes the disinterest, lack of parenting or abuse is the reason for the split

OP posts:
Original poster
MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 03/03/2017 13:21

Thanks squirmy.

OP posts:
birdybirdywoofwoof · 03/03/2017 13:22

Generalisations are never great, are they?

When I was a single parent, I shared 50-50 care with my ex-partner (and had a helpful living parent.)

Now I'm a married parent, no living parents, and DH works away a lot.

Being a single parent, for me, (and I accept I was a minority) was easier.

The blanket respect for single parents, any single parents regardless, strikes me as an over-simplification...

skerrywind · 03/03/2017 13:23

squirmy- indeed- and some women live with abusive men.

CMamaof4 · 03/03/2017 13:24

Totally agree with you op, When I was a single mum my mum would say to me "Its no different from your brother sisters, Your brother works all the time whilst his wife is at home" he works four days a week?
And my other siblings had partners

Some people have no idea...

BertieBotts · 03/03/2017 13:25

Yes this annoys me too. As is general faffing and worrying about how they'll cope when their husband goes back to work or having to go and stay with family when he'll be away. I accept I'm probably being unreasonable on that point. But I just think, I'm a total hopeless mess and yet I was doing it alone practically from the start, the rest of you can manage!

BakeOffBiscuits · 03/03/2017 13:28

"I think the best thing is just accept that everyone's lives and experiences are different and no two are the same."

I agree with this. Whilst some of you may not like it, you cannot tell me how I should think and feel.
I did feel very much like a single parent, He did it for 5 years and it was the shittist 5 years of my marriage.I won't bore you with all the details but we saw him for about a day and a half a week, he was absolutely knackered when he came home and wasn't "there" mentally imo.

During those 5 years he worked away, my dad had cancer for 3 years then died, my mum died very suddenly and my best friend's DD died in a RTA. So I felt like a single parent as I was helping my dds through this very shitty time on my own, the day in day out boring stuff.
TBH it nearly ended our marriage, we look back and think what the hell were we doing? it was a very, very lonely time for me and DH.

Please don't look at others people lives and think you know whats going on.

PuntCuffin · 03/03/2017 13:28

I AM in awe of those who manage as lone parents simply because I find it bloody hard as a married parent!

I have a single friend who lives away from family in a country where she is not a native speaker and has adopted two children, both of whom have a number of health issues. I know I could not do that.

My DH was in the forces and a number of my friends are still. I get mildly irritated by their insistence that they are single parents while their partners are away. In the vast majority of cases, they have email and/or phone contact with the other parent, support with parenting decisions and finances.

Some of my friends who co-parent definitely have more down time than I do, but that doesn't mean it is easier than being part of a couple. The issues are different.

RedAndYellowPeppers · 03/03/2017 13:29

The thing is you can't compare the life of a LP with no family around at all with the one of a married woman with plenty of help around but whose husband is away a lot but then is hands on when he is there and is upportive and helpful in general.

Because not all LP are in the shittiest situation and not all married women have a helpful husband.
Even talking of being a single parent compare to a LP, I suspect that a lot of single parent with an abusive ex/narcissic ex would prefer to be a LP for example. Much easier to deal with than the constant attacks etc...
And a woman married to a military man, somewhere with no friends or family, worried sick that her DH might not come back might not have an easy like either. It's not just the military too. A fiend of mine has a DH who works abroad. She sees him for the whole 5 weeks of hols he has. That's it. She might be married but I would say her life is the one of a LP.

BakeOffBiscuits · 03/03/2017 13:31

Because not all LP are in the shittiest situation and not all married women have a helpful husband

Most sensible post on this thread!

Squirmy65ghyg · 03/03/2017 13:36

Skerry - yes, I know, I lived with an abusive man before becoming a LP.

I really don't get your point.

crazycatbaby · 03/03/2017 13:36

My partner works away, usually just mon-Friday but at the moment he has been away for a couple of weeks with a week to go....I'm counting down the days till he's back, single parents need some sort of medal WineI'm not sure how people manage! (Obviously if you have to, you get on with it. But I have the utmost respect for people who do it)