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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Your husband "working away sometimes" does not mean you are virtually a single parent!Argh!!!

270 replies

MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 03/03/2017 12:41

I've heard this a few times from people I know and several times from the same person. Just in case anyone is ever tempted to utter this phrase to a single parent please bear in mind that single parenting involves a lot more than taking care of your home and children by yourself for a few days of a week.
Try considering holidays, children's birthdays, Christmas, Easter, special o ccassions on your own. Half the income. No help if you're ill, no lie in. Ever! The stigma of being single and a single parent - not especially helped by the media and politicians, constant guilt about not giving your child a bigger/better family. Having no-one to talk to about your day. The fear of your child ever being I'll and needing to take time off work. Again. As no-one else will do it. The fear of being so ill/hospitalised that you can't care for your child and no-one else will. Or even worse - dying and leaving them all alone. Having no-one to share your child's achievements, milestones, funny quirks and comments with. Making do with cuddles only from a small person and knowing that this won't last. The terribleness of online dating, or just dating in general! Feeling crap every time you can't make it to a school event which seem to happen every other day and having no-one else to ask. Being solely in charge of another person's emotional, physical and social well-being. Oh, and not forgetting having no photos of yourself with you child as there's never anyone there to take them!!

Rant over.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 03/03/2017 13:37

So what are the general differences between being a single parent who co- parents their child with a cooperative ex, and being a parent whose partner is often away for periods of time?

Crowdblundering · 03/03/2017 13:39

My sister was very jealous of me because I had 4 days a month "off"Hmm

Never mind the fact I was on my own with 3 kids under 5 "you're not really a single parent though are you?" Angry

oldbirdy · 03/03/2017 13:40

When my husband is away, I AM a lone parent. And he's away a lot. Yes I have two incomes but in terms of day to day management of 4 kids, who manages if I am sick, who goes to school concerts, who goes to parents evenings, it's me. He is away now. He left at 3.30 Wednesday morning. He's home Saturday lunchtime, jetlagged, will sleep all afternoon and flies off again on Monday. So yes I bloody well am actually ( not virtually) a lone parent when he is away. And yes it's hard. Who are you to deny my reality? Because it is that way for you every day doesn't mean that I don't struggle with my husband working away a lot and doesn't mean that our realities are not similar during that time. Yes I am immensely grateful that for short periods of the year I do have it easier than lone parents. It doesn't mean that you get to sneer at my reality when DH is away.

chipscheesentomatosauce · 03/03/2017 13:41

Barbarian time to myself to do as I please.

Squirmy65ghyg · 03/03/2017 13:43

I give up.
I really do.

megletthesecond · 03/03/2017 13:47

Yanbu.

iamfried I agree , hanging on until the weekend is tough but possible.

I'm hanging on for another decade until both dc's are at Uni .

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 03/03/2017 13:47

There is deffo a difference between being a single parent with shared care and a lone parent.
The main thing I have found tough about lone parenting (and the main thing people don't seem to get) is the financial side.Its fucking hard having to pay for 2+ people on one income! Having said that there arnt many marriages I envy, and I would find it very hard to have to deal with a small one all day and then put energy into a grown up relationship.
I got very used to the serenity of evenings alone and control of the remote!

I do think that being a single/lone parent means that you have to be proactive in setting up support networks, trading favours etc. OP, maybe join a gingerbread group, or try and meet other single parents another way? There should sometimes be someone else to take a picture of you and dc, even if there is no one else to share the bills!

wildpoppiesanddaisies · 03/03/2017 13:48

There are always groups of women on here who refuse to accept that being single can be difficult.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 03/03/2017 13:49

He's home Saturday lunchtime, jetlagged, will sleep all afternoon and flies off again on Monday. So yes I bloody well am actually ( not virtually) a lone parent when he is away.

Do you pay for all the bills/rent/food/school trips/clothes etc ad infinitum on your own? No? Then, no. You're not. It must be very hard with 4 kids, but its a different kind of hard.

BarbarianMum · 03/03/2017 13:50

But don't you get that on the 10 days your ds is with his dad chipsncheese ? (not being snarky, genuinely trying to understand)

chipscheesentomatosauce · 03/03/2017 13:54

Barbarian. Yes, that's what I mean. In that respect, I'm luckier than the married ones whose partners work away. It's a big difference, in my favour.

supermoon100 · 03/03/2017 13:54

I've been both and there are pluses and minuses to both. Your original post focused only on the negatives of being a single parent. I don't think you should judge how someone else feels in their relationship. It certainly is a phrase that has never bothered me.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 03/03/2017 13:55

It annoys me. I'm a lone parent (but always refer to myself as single parent) and it is completely different. People just don't realise all the things they take for granted and clearly see 'responsibilities' as purely practical things, rather than you being solely responsible for every little decision, nobody to even ask for a valuable alternative ( because a friend cannot give a proper one as they are not raising your child!), so many little things and big things that bypass people.

Time on your own, limited finances, doing many things yourself are not and never will be the same as raising a child completely alone

Original poster
MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 03/03/2017 13:55

I feel your pain meglet. I'm already looking forward to the year 6 four day trip! Only 4 years to go...

OP posts:
MamaHanji · 03/03/2017 13:56

I am not a single parent. I have a partner who (most of the time) is very supportive and helpful with the children and clearing up the destruction of the day. And it's still fucking hard.

Single parents have my utmost respect. Hats of to you guys. I genuinely don't know how you do it x

Original poster
MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 03/03/2017 13:56

Trip trip. Thank you. I get it

OP posts:
BeMorePanda · 03/03/2017 13:57

I am a Single Parent, not Lone parent, though virtually a Lone parent in many many ways, but my DC are with XP EOW. I don't go clubbing, but I do a mixture of what I have to do i.e. housework/sleep & whatever the fuck I want to do & it's brilliant. I feel very lucky - though it does take me a couple of days to get the DC back into shape after time with their dad.

I was out with a bunch of SAH partnered Mums the other day (I also work FT as well as being SP) and they considered me with a mixture of pity (poor thing, no man and "has to work") and outright envy - EOW to myself!!!! WOW!

As for the OP @MyMushroom I agree with you 100%

BewtySkoolDropowt · 03/03/2017 13:58

I've been a partnered parent and I have been a single parent with no financial input from the kids father, and very occasional nights where the kids were at their Dad's (although I would have been just as happy to have them at home)

And for me, being a single parent and self-reliant was absolutely and totally and unequivocally an easier, better more enjoyable place to be.

I think it's entirely possible that someone's experience as a partnered parent may well be very similar to someone else's experience of being a lone parent. I think it's entirely possible that someone's experience of being a lone parent is better than someone else's experience of being a partnered parent as well as vice versa.

I also think that if you are a lone parent with friends that you can discuss this with you are in a better place than some lone parents that don't have anyone as a support network.

Yes, making the comparison is unthinking - but then so is the assumption that it is easier for someone just because they have a partner in their life.

Parenthood can be fucking hard at times, no matter what your marital/partner status. We all have shit days regardless.

MamaHanji · 03/03/2017 13:58

Worra I literally just said 'hats of to you guys' 😂 sorry for that.

Original poster
MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 03/03/2017 13:59

CMamaof4 so frustrating isn't it when it's from your own family!
My mum thinks she was in the same situation as my dad worked full time!

OP posts:
megletthesecond · 03/03/2017 14:03

mymush yes! Mine dc's are junior age and have had two residentials so far. Bliss. One of my friends asked me if DD was going on the next one. I replied that she was definately going because it gives me a bit of a break.

There are state boarding schools you know. I've considered it on bad days Grin.

Emboo19 · 03/03/2017 14:03

I can imagine the comment being annoying if they aren't actually a single parent.

But.....I hate that women and in particular mothers have to have this one upmanship as to who has it worse!!

KickAssAngel · 03/03/2017 14:04

I think it's important to see that many of us have different problems to deal with in life, and to recognize that there are some situations which are likely to make life harder than others.This includes being a single parent.

I'm married with a DH who works away a lot. It never occurred to me that my life was anything like being a single parent. It's not just the money or the practical stuff, but knowing that there's someone else who (eventually, weeks later) I can talk to about whether DD is developing how she should be etc. I wouldn't try to appropriate the experience of being a single mother, and I would resent someone who thought they knew how easy my life is because ...

SailAwayWithMeHoney · 03/03/2017 14:04

TripTrap that was very well articulated! I always refer to myself as a single parent, but going by this thread I'm actually a lone parent.

seafoodeatit · 03/03/2017 14:04

You're right, I can't imagine ever saying that to anyone and my husband works till 7 most days, 8/9pm at least twice a week but I know that he's home he can takeover in the evenings, if I'm very ill he can take time off work and at the weekends he'll be there to do more. I think it's very short sighted to compare the two.

Families come in all shapes and sizes, many single parents struggle, others might struggle less because have a good supportive network/extended family around to help, other people may have a good co-parenting relationship with their ex, you just can't assume.