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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Your husband "working away sometimes" does not mean you are virtually a single parent!Argh!!!

270 replies

MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 03/03/2017 12:41

I've heard this a few times from people I know and several times from the same person. Just in case anyone is ever tempted to utter this phrase to a single parent please bear in mind that single parenting involves a lot more than taking care of your home and children by yourself for a few days of a week.
Try considering holidays, children's birthdays, Christmas, Easter, special o ccassions on your own. Half the income. No help if you're ill, no lie in. Ever! The stigma of being single and a single parent - not especially helped by the media and politicians, constant guilt about not giving your child a bigger/better family. Having no-one to talk to about your day. The fear of your child ever being I'll and needing to take time off work. Again. As no-one else will do it. The fear of being so ill/hospitalised that you can't care for your child and no-one else will. Or even worse - dying and leaving them all alone. Having no-one to share your child's achievements, milestones, funny quirks and comments with. Making do with cuddles only from a small person and knowing that this won't last. The terribleness of online dating, or just dating in general! Feeling crap every time you can't make it to a school event which seem to happen every other day and having no-one else to ask. Being solely in charge of another person's emotional, physical and social well-being. Oh, and not forgetting having no photos of yourself with you child as there's never anyone there to take them!!

Rant over.

OP posts:
Fakenewsday · 03/03/2017 14:05

i agree it's insensitive, no question, to say you're 'basically' a lone parent when you don't have much help but people say and think these things when they personally are struggling. Life isn't a pissing contest, and you've got lone parents like some of my family well supported by actively involved grandparents, vs someone with a partner working very long hours with no family help - who's better off? There is no special reward for suffering more.

cheeeeselover · 03/03/2017 14:08

I think one of the biggest differences most likely would be financial. Those whose partners work away are financially supporting them. I have no financial support (no child maintenace payments as exP doesnt work) for 4 dc and I work full time. I also often second guess, am I doing the right thing or am I being a good parent. Its a huge responsibility on just one persons shoulders.

However their father is still in their lives and they stay there 1- 2 weekends on average a month, so I do get some down time. Which is amazing. I don't go out clubbing though! I usually catch up on housework and laundry and all the boring stuff I am always behind with!

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 03/03/2017 14:12

Yup. In answer to Barbarians question about the main difference between a single parent with an involved ex and a parent whose partner works away a lot...CASH!

Original poster
MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 03/03/2017 14:13

Building a support network of single parents didn't work out unfortunately. I know a good few but they all have family support so don't need to swap babysitting favours. No one wanted to come to the gingerbread group except for me and the other person organising it! I'm in quite a rural area and I think it just didn't suit people for a variety of reasons

OP posts:
PollyPerky · 03/03/2017 14:15

It all depends.

My DH travelled a lot. He was often out the house from 8-8pm every day with work anyway, flying out to places at weekends and arriving home in the small hours. It is and was disruptive. You can't always offload at the end of day if there are time zone differences or if they are literally too busy in meetings, to talk.

Once I had a terrible virus and he was away , thousands of miles away, and somehow I had to manage 2 small DCs from my bed.

Ok I had the financial security of a DH in work, but he wasn't there to help with homework, bath times, tea times, for years.

I had no family around to help, or close friends.

You can't generalise.

Some of the things you mention OP are under your control even if being single wasn't your choice. You don't have to do OLD or any dating, finding friends to chat to if your responsibility, whether anyone is a single parent or not.

Original poster
MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 03/03/2017 14:16

I'm not trying to win any pity party competitions. Life can be hard for many reasons for everyone and can also be fantastic at other times. Just wanted to rant about how the short term practicalities of parenting for children for a few days are different to my long term experience

OP posts:
IamFriedSpam · 03/03/2017 14:18

So yes I bloody well am actually ( not virtually) a lone parent when he is away. It has it's own difficulties I still don't think it's the same (and I was in your situation). You presumably have financial support from your DH, you can talk to him about concerns about the kids or just write him a message when one does something new for the first time. You also know that he'll be back and you can have a break.

Lots of situations have difficulties - but they're not the same.

Groovee · 03/03/2017 14:18

Totally. I'm married and it does my head in.

garlicandsapphire · 03/03/2017 14:23

YANBU. Some people just don't understand how hard it is for lone parents.

I am divorced with an active XH and used to get EOW off which I really enjoyed. My ex pays maintenance for my 2 DCs, I have a well paid full time job and have juggled a lot but its not been hard.

A very good friend of mine is a lone parent, who has had no financial or any other kind of support whatsoever from day 1, and she has had a very hard time. No freedom, no money, couldn't afford babysitters or holidays. She envied my freedom and I was very aware of how lucky I was. Happily things are easing for her now. And she happens to be one of the most inspiring, amazing people I know.

Original poster
MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 03/03/2017 14:27

Garlic I'm glad life has improved for your friend. I bet she appreciated you understanding the difference. I'm glad your experience was made better by your ExH.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 03/03/2017 14:28

So what are the general differences between being a single parent who co- parents their child with a cooperative ex, and being a parent whose partner is often away for periods of time?

Usually far more than having 15% of someone's income towards a shared house, adult social interaction from someone as vested in your family as you are and emotional support

andontothenext · 03/03/2017 14:34

My husband works away Sunday to Friday and I did consider myself to be parenting my son by myself on those days while holding down a full time job and caring for critically ill relative.

Sorry OP that I don't meet your single parent "standard"Hmm but when I'm cleaning my child's sick out my hair and ears at 4 in the morning and up for work at 6 and up to the hospital to feed someone who's dying at night then I'll remember you don't like people who are married but doing the married comparing themselves to single parents.

andontothenext · 03/03/2017 14:35

Doing the child care*

bigbuttons · 03/03/2017 14:40

Oldbirdlady: "When my husband is away, I AM a lone parent. And he's away a lot."

But your husband comes back, there are many of us who don't have that luxury and who do it themselves every single day and there is no hope of a break, no hope of of someone coming back after a few days. You don't have that relentless pressure. Unless you have been in that situation you can't possibly understand.

IToldYouIWasFreaky · 03/03/2017 14:42

I have a bit of a problem with the whole "I am in AWE of single parents" thing. Firstly because it assumes we are all alike and we're clearly not.

Secondly as it's a bit "othering" and slightly smug. You may be married/partnered NOW but trust me, that can all end very quickly. You too could find yourself as a single parent and you would cope too. You don't get granted special super-human parenting skills when you become a single parent you know. You just get on with it and do the best for your DC same as any other (well, most) parent.

PollyPerky · 03/03/2017 14:43

I don't believe it is easy for you OP but at the same time, you do come over as wanting to be pitied.
The main thing lacking in your life seems to a network of friends. I understand you are 'rural' but IME rural communities are often very friendly and close knit.
Also, you presumably have no contact with the DCs father? if so you could share their small achievements.

Don't forget that being married or having a partner is not a bowl of cherries all the time. One of the main sources of conflict in a 2-parent family is that they don't always see eye to eye on parenting issues. At least your child doesn't get mixed messages about what is acceptable and not, if one parent is the bad cop and the other the good cop, ..there is always another side to the coin.

And many parents miss things at their child's school- or are you saying that many mums don't work as they have a partner?

Original poster
MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 03/03/2017 14:44

And on to
that sounds a really tough situation for anyone to be in. Did you find having a partner made it any more manageable at all during the difficult times?

OP posts:
Solo · 03/03/2017 14:45

I haven't RTFT, but I think I'm home...

Original poster
MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 03/03/2017 14:47

Solo - you might not want to read some bits of it!!

OP posts:
Deploycharitygoats · 03/03/2017 14:48

They're not the same at all. DH works away at least some of every month, often in areas with terrible internet coverage so I can't contact him. The parenting decisions during that time are mine alone, as well as dealing with any domestic issues that crop up. Yes, it's lonely. But even in the toughest moments, I know that it's temporary. And during that temporary separation, I know I have his emotional and financial support and involvement in all our lives. Worlds apart, really.

birdybirdywoofwoof · 03/03/2017 14:48

Your husband "working away sometimes" does not mean you are virtually a single parent!Argh!!!

I agree with this though. It's a daft thing to say.

However, I think a lot of parenting is tough and I don't accept the assumption that being a single parent is automatically tougher than being a married parent.

Solo · 03/03/2017 14:49

Ah! We're being bashed are we for daring to have this burden and talk about it? Pah! I have a friend that thinks she's hard done by when her Dh goes away for a few nights due to work...she too becomes a single parent and can't cope!

Solo · 03/03/2017 14:50

Will read the thread later...

Original poster
MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 03/03/2017 14:52

Polly - unfortunately dcs dad was abusive and continues to be so including giving dc his opinions of me. Another issue though and despite court involvement hasn't improved. I do have friends.

OP posts:
Fakenewsday · 03/03/2017 14:58

mumsnet is the perfect place to rant - is the parent that's annoying you having a hard time or just really insensitive? If they're nice generally, I'd try and form some sort of shared help group where you take their kids to school etc some day and she reciprocates. If they're insensitive and blinkered YANBU.