Your husband "working away sometimes" does not mean you are virtually a single parent!Argh!!!

[MyMushroomsInATimeSlip]

I've heard this a few times from people I know and several times from the same person. Just in case anyone is ever tempted to utter this phrase to a single parent please bear in mind that single parenting involves a lot more than taking care of your home and children by yourself for a few days of a week.
Try considering holidays, children's birthdays, Christmas, Easter, special o ccassions on your own. Half the income. No help if you're ill, no lie in. Ever! The stigma of being single and a single parent - not especially helped by the media and politicians, constant guilt about not giving your child a bigger/better family. Having no-one to talk to about your day. The fear of your child ever being I'll and needing to take time off work. Again. As no-one else will do it. The fear of being so ill/hospitalised that you can't care for your child and no-one else will. Or even worse - dying and leaving them all alone. Having no-one to share your child's achievements, milestones, funny quirks and comments with. Making do with cuddles only from a small person and knowing that this won't last. The terribleness of online dating, or just dating in general! Feeling crap every time you can't make it to a school event which seem to happen every other day and having no-one else to ask. Being solely in charge of another person's emotional, physical and social well-being. Oh, and not forgetting having no photos of yourself with you child as there's never anyone there to take them!!

Rant over.

Bottles, that’s the thing about it - I was 100%, full-time working, no family (well only a couple that needed my support) left with all the debt, with sabotage thrown it (to one child “I don’t love you and never want to see you again” ). I’m sure the posters whose H worked had difficulties in their now way, just not the same,
You have identified the problem so now you can do something about it - get a bleeding’ hobby- a crochet class every 2 weeks or whatever. I got back into something I had loved when younger which gave me a wide circle of friends and it saved me.

Lone parenting is relentless - but it is uplifting too when you get through it. My kids never let me rant (too much) - and at least you know, however bloody awful you sometimes are as a parent, when you see your kids doing good things, you can have a moment and say you did it.

Bottles, seconded, everything you say. Can be bloody shite. As the kids get older though you do seem to have a special bond, that sometimes others notice, and its great.
I remember my DS’s friend being genuinely curious as to the way he would hug his sister and tell her he loved her in front of their teenage group. It had never occurred to us that everyone didn’t do that. We are solid. Sometimes adversity is your friend.

So true arriva, me and dd are best friends, we are a little team! 😊

Barbarian there are many key differences. A couple of examples-

1. it depends on what you class as co-operative. Is that an ex partner who happily looks after your shared child and is civil to you or one that happily looks after your shared child but is vile and abusive to you!
2. If you co parent but your partner is away a lot you still have ( the opportunity for ) 2 incomes and only one household to run with one set of bills to pay so between you are much better off financially. If you co-parent with an ex you both have separate hiuseholds to maintain, and therefore 2 sets of bills to pay for etc so generally financially you can both be struggling moneywise.

jeanne you are so right about the loneliness. It gets worse as time passes IME. I talk to myself so much, the dc's think I'm nuts but it's the only conversation I get that isn't speaking to the dc or asking them to do something.

Thank you Indie and everyone else whose illuminated the differences. And to all those who find themselves unsupported (in whatever way).

I think you are completely right and I always admire single parents. It must be so hard having to be strong all the time.

Its good to admire all the parents who are having a tough time.

to all lone parents.

there are many variations on the lone parent, and the married life. for me married was harder, because he was a complete idiot and could not be trusted to care for the dcs safely. people never saw that though. they assumed he was capable. you get the comment just leave them with him he will soon learn. bit late though to learn that he needs to hold their hand next to the road when they have gone under a bus. or that they actually need feeding. regularly.

thankfully he is not as an idiot with maintenance. in fact very good. that makes a huge difference. he can still never have them unsupervised until they are capable of looking after themselves. so there is no time off except school. but still he is not a twat about money.

This is not so black and white as "single parents power"
I've met women in relationships who are in a worse position than I was a single mum... where the husbands are completely disinterested and often make things harder by taking the earnings and vanishing on a bender... or controlling finances leaving them penny less etc.
I felt I was in a much better position than some of them who had literally no support from anyone and that they were in a far worse position than we were because they looked like a family but we're indeed parenting singularly with huge hardships

It annoys me when people as of the exh pays maintenance and when I say "yes, court-ordered child support" they say "oh, well, that's good". It sounds as if I'm meant to be grateful to him (though it's a tiny fraction of his generous salary), or that he's a good guy, and particularly that they can wash their hands of being supportive as clearly everything is fine and dandy in my world.

Paying child support is not an act of kindness on the part of non-custodial parents. It's not only morally right, it's often court-ordered and tricky for someone w a full-time permanent job to wriggle out.

Sorry, "ask if", not "as of".

Been keeping up with this thread this weekend but not had time to post.

I've noticed an assumption crop up a few times about single parents having time off when their Dc are with the other parent and that this is one of the great things of single parenting. Sadly, not always the case. There are no rules making absent parent turn up to see their child or have them overnight or even remember they exist so the great positive that some people consider exists often doesn't at all (not forgetting parents who miss their child terribly when they're away from them)

I agree with you OP it is nothing near the same.

My friend tried to make this comparison when her dp was away during the week working. I did argue with her it was not the same, he was at the end of the phone and very involved at weekend, paid his way etc. I'm not a lone parent but I do have an imagination!

I have one friend who is a lone parent but the father has the dc 50% of time. She therefore has a lot of freedom and he is a decent person so no financial problems. I know it's not like that for everyone.

That paragraph could have done with a full stop or two. It's been a long weekend!

OP, the responsibility, solo decision making, worry about everything, are single parenting characteristics. It's a lonely and tough life but also can be rewarding. Have you any support from relatives, or maybe from Gingerbread, which is an organisation for single parents? There are also holiday companies which specialise in Single Parent families. It is totally ridiculous to consider yourself a single parent if you have a partner who works away a lot, you may well be doing all the childcare but you still have another person to shoulder the responsibility and share in decisions so you are not on your own.

Wait till your children are older and turn out wonderful and people tell you what a marvellous mum you must have been to have such great kids! It does give you a good feeling.

I've noticed an assumption crop up a few times about single parents having time off when their Dc are with the other parent and that this is one of the great things of single parenting. Sadly, not always the case.

Agree but neither is it good to assume that is not the case.

My friend's ex has her one DC every weekend, and her DM two times a week, so no, while I think she's great, I don't particularily 'admire' her, nor do I think she has it so much tougher than a friend with 4 DC, (1 with autism) and a very ineffectual DH.

I get 24 hours child free a week, can I be honest that in reality this is not as good as it sounds? After helping to pack bags I then can sit down and view the total house devastation after working full time all week, this will be 4 + hours of that is usually laundry, housework, then add on shopping for food because it's all easier to do without kids around. Then there is sleeping - yes I can have my one lie in which I love.
The rest of the few hours left just run out so fast so I am often left with not enough time to actually go and DO anything of much interest, because I have to return to cook their tea by 5pm.
But then on return it's always been more laundry, scrabbling homework together - yes exDP takes them for 24 hours but he does no laundry or homework or such like, he doesn't even buy them deodorant.
The maintenance I get just about buys half of their food for a week and absolutely nothing else, so all other requirements are down to me.
Parents evenings - usually go alone.
Even if he did come with me he has no clue about anything and he just tries to hurry me along and make me stop talking to the teachers

The exhausting having to deal with EXDP's uselessness and the kids by myself.
But those parents who have no DC father... I take my hat off to you. I really do.