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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've moved in with my partner and he won't put me on his tenancy agreement.

215 replies

Bosschopsbitch · 01/03/2017 12:41

We would have over in together eventually but circumstances kind of pushed it to happen now. And because of that there have been things that we hadnt really ironed out. I'm on universal credit (aforementioned circumstances) and he works full time but in order for me to still claim and get CTC for my son it's had to be changed to a joint claim (I dont understand tbh) but the advisor said if I wanted to claim the housing element thend I would have to be added to the tenancy. With a resolute 'no she isn't going on the tenancy' that was the end of that. He won't disuss it. He won't reconsider. Absolutely steadfast and will not budge. AIBU to be pissed off/angry/shocked/uoset/all of the above?

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 01/03/2017 18:28

So, he has a child to 'protect', too. Even more reason to keep the tenancy as is.

And I don't want to hear any bullshit about OP's child having 'more need' for security because he/she lives with OP full time as opposed to the partner's son being there 'only' during access time.

Roomster101 · 01/03/2017 18:29

Have you not noticed that many people think the man is being reasonable to not want OP on the tenancy Tobuyornot or did you just jump in with the usual "if the situation was reversed...." without actually reading the thread.

melj1213 · 01/03/2017 19:10

Honestly, even if there weren't children involved, there's no way I'd be adding anyone to my tenancy without having properly lived with them first. And when there are childen involved it's even more important to be sure before you make big committment changes like joint tenancies.

He might want you to move in but you resisted until it suited you and then have immediately started making demands regarding paperwork and making things official, which would stregthen your security OP but it would weaken his.

I learned at University that you can be the best of friends with someone, think you know everything about them and they can be the greatest of partners, but when you have to live with them 24/7 it can highlight things that you realise are deal breakrs or are at the very least incompatible to you living together. I don't blame him for effectively saying "Lets just try living together for a while first and if it goes well then we can think about the paperwork"

I met a boyfriend in the middle of the first year of Uni, we both lived with friends for our 2nd and 3rd years but a few doors apart on the same street, so we spent a lot of time together but had our own spaces. The summer after Uni we moved in together and we had split up by the following summer, not purely because of issues with living together but they definitely exacerbated them.

wheelwarrior · 01/03/2017 19:40

See I refused when my then partner moved in became my husband I was considering. It 3 years after we married he cheated with 16 year old got mouthy refused to leave luckily as he was not on tennacy police came TLD him he had to leave

My reasoning early stages it was my home smd my children's I had previously been shit on

Tobuyornot99 · 01/03/2017 19:50

Roomster I did read the thread, and offered my opinion. Just because my opinion wasn't wildly original it doesn't make it any less valid. There really are only 2 opinions, that he is right or she is right. Not sure why you've singled me out for criticism.

Merrymumoftwo · 01/03/2017 20:13

If I understand the situation correctly
You have been together 3.5 years and for the last 2.5 years he has asked you to live with him but you wanted your independence so declined.
You ended up being almost homeless so decided to accept an offer from him to move in. Not because you loved him and wanted this purely so your son had a roof over his head.
His son, that you never mentioned until much later, stays at that home too.
You are insisting he adds you to the tenancy and he declined.
He is happy for you not to pay rent until you work.
Reading all this YABU to insist at this early stage on being added to the tenancy. If you had moved in because you both wanted it rather than the circumstances you declared it would be different but you did so out of necessity and maybe he now has doubts about where the relationship is going.
If this was reversed people would question the motives and how good a relationship it is.
Why not give it time? If you love him see how things go with you living together and then raise this later when you are sure you want to stay together. Just think you are coming across badly when maybe you are coming out of a bad situation with housing and afraid so not seeing how it may look to him and others?

Roomster101 · 01/03/2017 20:56

Roomster I did read the thread, and offered my opinion. Just because my opinion wasn't wildly original it doesn't make it any less valid. There really are only 2 opinions, that he is right or she is right. Not sure why you've singled me out for criticism.

I "singled you out for criticism" because you didn't just give your opinion on OP's situation. You also suggested that the responses on this would have been very different "if the situation was reversed" and the woman had a HA association tenancy and "her chap" wasn't working.

Tobuyornot99 · 01/03/2017 21:16

ArcheryAnnie are you honestly suggesting that in order to better protect herself a woman should muscle in on someone else's tenancy, when there is a child partially resident there? It may seem more senisble to get a tenancy of her own, get a job, provide great role modelling for her child, and be able to conduct her romantic relationship on a more equal footing.
Just my opinion of course

ArcheryAnnie · 01/03/2017 22:42

I think she'd be much better off with her own housing away from this prince, Tobuy, but if they do plan on living together, then she won't be "muscling in" on anything, will she? Either he conceives of them as equals in a partnership or he doesn't, and if he does, she should be on the tenancy too.

TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork · 01/03/2017 23:13

Either he conceives of them as equals in a partnership or he doesn't, and if he does, she should be on the tenancy to

Thats nor fair. He wanted her to move in with him, but she was all "nope, I like my life, I have my own gaff and everything suits me and I don't need you", which was grand until shit hit the fan and now suddenly its all "yes I;ll move in with you but how dare you not instantly put me on the tenancy, just because I'm only here because I have no choice, I want it to be mine!"

Which you somehow take to mean that there is something bad about him, bizarrely!

MiscellaneousAssortment · 01/03/2017 23:24

Sorry but OP I'm afraid you are being unreasonable here. Why would he put himself in such an insecure position? It's not fair to ask him to do that.

Hope you sort it out.

TSSDNCOP · 01/03/2017 23:47

So the emergency move you implied wasn't really an emergency.

Your DP has a child too that he also wants to ensure is housed securely.

I cannot understand why, having made a mutual decision to share a home you wouldn't have taken the time, especially with kids involved, to understand your legal rights and how your finances would be managed.

YAButterlyU

Tobuyornot99 · 02/03/2017 07:54

Archery they aren't equal partners though, OP has made it clear he''s a port in a storm, rather than an active choice. Why, based on that, should he be so willing to jeopardise his home? I think that your objectivity to this situation is clouded somewhat.

PollyPerky · 02/03/2017 09:05

Nowhere on this thread can I see any evidence of the OP saying she is desperate to find work so she can come off all these benefits (that we are all paying for OP) and support herself and her son.

Rather it's 'how can I milk the benefits system for all I can get and I need my partner's consent over the tenancy to do that.'

I also don't understand her mention of 'aforementioned circumstances' when there is no information here of how she came to be in need of a roof over her head and bolted to live with this guy, taking her son away from his school and friends. What made you do that OP?

SparklyMagpie · 02/03/2017 09:10

I'm with your DP 100%

You sound entitled OP, he has his son to think about also

You had no interest in moving in until you had no other option

If it were me I would not be putting you on the tenancy agreement

Roomster101 · 02/03/2017 09:10

I think it is a bit unfair to say that OP is treating him like a "port in the storm". However, putting her on the tenancy would be similar to putting her onto mortgage deeds of a house that he owned. I would only want to do that after marriage. If my life and finances were still quite separate I would want to keep the tenancy separate.

EnormousTiger · 02/03/2017 09:16

Well indeed Polly. The best way I have protected my children as a single parent is by working full time!

HolidayArmidillo · 02/03/2017 09:18

You didn't mention that he also has a son OP. Why is his child's security any less important than yours?

Tobuyornot99 · 02/03/2017 09:24

I think that moving your child in to a situation where you have absolutely no security of tenancy, and having not had this conversation / consideration before moving, is most definitely port in a storm thinking. As a mother I would want everything lined up before I made such a huge decision, not work on assumptions then find out later that this isn't the case. We don't know where op was living previously, if it's the case that she's given up secure housing then I have absolutely no sympathy with her as she hasn't planned for her child's security

Tobuyornot99 · 02/03/2017 09:26

Sorry, I've just reread that she was in private rented. Still doesn't change my opinion that she made a reckless move without hinting through the consequences.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/03/2017 09:29

With that attitude, he does not see this relationship as permanent by the sounds of it. Op is not paying rent, as he's not adding her to the tenancy. I would be looking to move elsewhere.

Quimby · 02/03/2017 09:35

I dunno, port in a storm seems quite accurate.
Op more than happy to live apart and didn't want to move in with him until her circumstances forced her to. In fact she resisted things that threatened her independence.

Then she's up shit creek and needs somewhere to go so moving in is now palatable and her oh is somehow an entitled selfish dick because apart from agreeing to house her and her child rent free till she gets work, he's not also actively handing over his independence as soon as she decides it's now beneficial to the op.

It's an incredibly self centred, selfish and hypocritical approach from the op.

NameChange30 · 02/03/2017 09:46

This has turned into a nasty pile-in with a bit of benefit bashing for good measure Hmm

Benefits are there to support people who need it. Our NI and taxes pay for a lot of things and benefits are only a tiny portion. The OP has said that she intends to find a job. I for one don't begrudge her claiming benefits while she finds her own two feet again after the upheaval she mentioned.

Everyone's made their point about the tenancy situation. No need to stick the boot in now.

Roomster101 · 02/03/2017 10:22

Yes, the fact that she is on benefits is completely irrelevant to the question of whether she should be on the tenancy agreement.

TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork · 02/03/2017 10:23

Its not really, because if she wasn't on benefits she wouldn't be insisting she needs to get on the tenancy to get housing benefit. Plus she'd probably be paying rent, which would give her more claim to it.

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