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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've moved in with my partner and he won't put me on his tenancy agreement.

215 replies

Bosschopsbitch · 01/03/2017 12:41

We would have over in together eventually but circumstances kind of pushed it to happen now. And because of that there have been things that we hadnt really ironed out. I'm on universal credit (aforementioned circumstances) and he works full time but in order for me to still claim and get CTC for my son it's had to be changed to a joint claim (I dont understand tbh) but the advisor said if I wanted to claim the housing element thend I would have to be added to the tenancy. With a resolute 'no she isn't going on the tenancy' that was the end of that. He won't disuss it. He won't reconsider. Absolutely steadfast and will not budge. AIBU to be pissed off/angry/shocked/uoset/all of the above?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 01/03/2017 15:31

Are people not reading the thread? Jonesy yes he wanted her to move in, she said no, she did so only because she was "practically homeless" and circumstances pushed her hand.

To think he should then sign her name on the tenancy as he wanted it is very strange, he's every right to protect himself from someone who is not there living with him because that's what they wanted where they thought the relationship should be or any other such romantic notion but is living there because she basically needed to.

Whathaveilost · 01/03/2017 15:35

He wants his partner to live with him. She has a child to consider too
OP sounds more like a gf than partner tbh.

I wonder how he got the HA tenancy in the first place... as PPs have pointed out, a single man without children wouldn't usually be eligible. Did he inherit the tenancy, I wonder?

Loads of single men have HA homes!!! Sure these days they may be a low priority but it diesnt mean to say they cant have them.

Off the top of my head i can think of 12 single males that are friends, acquaintances or colleagues that live in either a HA flat or house, my brither being one of them. Im sure if i asked around id find more.
Some of them were effected by the so called bed room tax but have still carried on living where they are rather than be re housed out of the area they currently live in.

stitchglitched · 01/03/2017 15:40

I live in a new build HA house and there are several single childless people who have moved into the estate too, it depends on social housing availability in the area I would have thought.

He is absolutely right not to give up his security. You wouldn't be able to be added straight away anyway, you would be expected to live there for a year first. I didn't add DP to my tenancy until we transferred to a new property together nearly 3 years after he moved in, baby together and engaged. I would never give anyone else rights over my home in the circumstances you describe, particularly if I was a single adult with no dependants and would almost certainly be the one evicted and at the back of the queue for help. I would cling to my secure affordable home for dear life!

Original poster
Bosschopsbitch · 01/03/2017 15:42

He had a 2 bedroom house, which he took on as an under occupied property, although he does have his son to stay. Same age as mine and they now have the most amazing room to share!

OP posts:
AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 01/03/2017 15:42

OP surely it's down to you to find work for a start, then ensure you have the means to rent yourself privately if the relationship ends? I can't see why you are holding your boyfriend over a barrell insisting you are on the tenancy agreement when the reality is he could be asked to leave if the relationship broke down.

This ^

nachogazpacho · 01/03/2017 15:45

He's not totally committed to you and your son, that's what he is saying when he fears you'll end up with his house. I sort of understand what he's saying actually, especially if he's had bad relationships in the past.

I would say it basically means you aren't ready to live together and that if I were you I would think about moving back out again, back to where you were.

It's not something you can really convince him of - how to trust someone else.

Meowstro · 01/03/2017 15:47

First off, he's wrong about your needs trumping his and him having to move out if you were on the tenancy and your relationship broke down. They'd see you as preferable due to the fact you're probably entitled to it more due to circumstance but you both have to agree to be removed from the tenancy once on it, therefore no one has more rights than the other. I suspect he knows that and maybe that's the real issue. Housing associations don't make it easy for tenancies to be changed from sole to joint for this reason - you usually have to prove you've lived there for a certain amount of time first (usually one year) for joint tenancies and they can refuse to do it if there are areas of concern surrounding tenancy history.

His outright 'no' is hurtful but sensible too, you've moved in out of need, quite suddenly and maybe you should see if it works out living together first. My gawd the first year living with my DH was a big eye opener and we both had to change some things but it was so hard at times. You will still be somewhat financially independent in terms of universal credit payments but he has agreed to continue paying the rent until you're working because you can't claim the housing element which is fair enough.

I'd put this aside and see how this goes. Perhaps you'd get married and this would change, you may even move out into a different place together in the future but for the time being he's right. Your expectation that he would do this so quickly does come across that YABU. You want security for your child and yourself which I get but you are asking this of him quite soon into being there. Security could have come from you doing this as a temporary measure/moving in with a friend temporarily and finding another place to rent if you were not ready to move in already.

Still I hope this works out and you can get past it.

Boulshired · 01/03/2017 15:48

Him having a son as well to consider would have been useful right at the beginning.

PollyPerky · 01/03/2017 15:50

Boss Ah you are back! Have you taken on board any comments?

My view is that the decor of your son's shared bedroom is right at the bottom of the list. I'm sorry you appear so shallow that you think it's a good thing, having moved him from his school and friends, into a house with a man you have never lived with, who is worried about whether the relationship lasts and who doesn't treat you as an equal partner.

Do you not feel any responsibility to get off benefits, find work and put a roof over yours and your son's head, without depending on a man who- by your own admission- you have only moved in with in order not to be homeless?

The options are not only live with your boyfriend or be homeless. There is another option - support yourself as an able adult, who can work, given time to find some. Does your child's father pay maintenance?

Noodoodle · 01/03/2017 15:50

Another I didn't explain very well going by the quote you used. It was meant in the difference between occupany and tenancy. In neither instance, being a joint tenant or her being included in occupancy, can either one be kicked out. You are correct, joint tenants it would have to go down legal route. Of course if she is just "living there" with neither of those official things in place he can kick her out any time he likes like any other friend casually staying there.

sonjadog · 01/03/2017 15:52

I thin your boyfriend is being sensible. There is no way I would include someone in the tenancy of my home when they just moved in. A few years down the line might be different, but you haven´t lived with each other before and you don´t know how it is going to work out. I think it is a good to think sensibly and pragmatically about these decisions, rather than getting caught up a romantic vision of a future that could seriously backfire later. I

If you can´t deal with his decision, then I think you should look for somewhere else to live.

stitchglitched · 01/03/2017 15:53

Yes good point about his son. He has a secure place with room for his son to stay and even move in if necessary. If he ended up losing his home to you that would impact on his child and his contact. I do actually think you have a cheek tbh, moving in out of necessity and expecting to be given immediate rights to his home. You are a blended family, they have a pretty high failure rate, he is being sensible and thinking of himself and his own child.

fuzzywuzzy · 01/03/2017 15:53

DP moved in with me I've not put him on the deeds of my house.

We are moving soon together and will be contributing equally to the new house and will then both be on the house deeds as equal owners.

But we've now been in a relationship for several years with a baby on the way.

Think if dp had demanded I add him as co-owner of my property upon his moving in the relationship would have ended there!

Btw he does not and I do not expect or want him to contribute to my mortgage. We do share bill payments. I don't expect him to contribute to utilities as they're being used by me and my dc regardless. Will share bills etc more equally in new place.

I don't think your partner is BU.

TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork · 01/03/2017 15:54

So he has a child as well? Even more reason he is right then.

I'm sure the "child trumps all" posters will come up with a reason why his child matters less than hers though.....

SaucyJack · 01/03/2017 16:01

How far is your old house from where he lives?

If you're both living somewhere where they have spare houses to give to single, working people then it might just be easier to get your own HA house.

daisychain01 · 01/03/2017 16:24

OP the whole thing has come unstuck because you and your Bf didn't sit down and have the honest conversation about where your relationship is going, whether there is a long term future, including your BFs feelings towards your DS.

Its all very well you and your DS coming 'as a package' (as it should) but did you take the trouble to find out his feelings, concerns and longer term plans?

His insistence that there's no way you're going on the tenancy agreement wasn't stubbornness or arrogance, it was his message "I'm pissed off because you've made an assumption you have no right to". He has a point!

It sounds like your urgency to find housing trumped his rights as an individual.

I think you have some apologising to do, if you want to get this relationship back on track.

joystir59 · 01/03/2017 16:31

By moving in with him without being put on the tenancy agreement you have in effect made yourself homeless.

Cuppaoftea · 01/03/2017 16:35

Op now you've given the info your DP has his own son to consider you really do owe him an apology for calling him selfish.

EnormousTiger · 01/03/2017 16:47

I think he's risking his son's rights and lifestyle by moving you and your child in at all actually. Surely if this relationship breaks down (and moving in together is often a death knell) then he still needs that 2 bed place for when his son stays? Why risk moving you in?

NameChange30 · 01/03/2017 17:42

In my area, single people with no children are not eligible for social housing (not unless they are vulnerable due to age or disability). I didn't realise that in some areas, they are.

Anyway. It now appears that the partner has a son who stays with him. Which surely means that it would be less cut and dry as to who would continue a joint tenancy in the event of the relationship ending?

It doesn't change my original answer though, I still think the OP should move out and get her own tenancy, which will provide more security for her and her child.

Roomster101 · 01/03/2017 18:03

I don't really blame him for not wanting to make you a joint tenant but it is unreasonable of him to expect you to live somewhere without any security. If you aren't on the tenancy presumably he could make you homeless at the drop of a hat e.g. after an argument. I would look getting your own tenancy.

Tobuyornot99 · 01/03/2017 18:14

If this were reversed and a woman had a tenancy with a HA, and her chap, who wasn't working, wanted to move him and his child in and be put on the tenancy, making her claim to the house less secure , there would be shouts of "cocklodger" from every direction.

ArcheryAnnie · 01/03/2017 18:18

It's almost as if women and men experience life very differently in a patriarchy, and women need to look out for themselves more as a result, isn't it, Tobuyornot?

TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork · 01/03/2017 18:20

It's almost as if women and men experience life very differently in a patriarchy, and women need to look out for themselves more as a result, isn't it, Tobuyornot?

Nice try, but "I get what I want because I have a vagina" is not a plan here.

SprogletsMum · 01/03/2017 18:27

I don't think he's totally in the wrong. I've been with my dp for 11 years, we have 3 dc and another on the way. When we moved to this house 2 years ago I insisted that I was the sole tenant.
I've read too many tales of women being left in the shit when their relationship has gone bad. It's my protection for me and my dc.
Obviously I hope we don't ever split up, but if we ever did he has no rights to stay here. It is my dc's home first and foremost.