to not want to get a room?

[Splashingincuddles]

I have a 10-day-old DD and am EBF, as I did for 9 months with DS. I have so far been out and fed in public 3 times - a leisure centre, a hospital waiting room and a soft play. In two of these places I was asked if I was 'ok' or if I wanted to use a room. I get that people are trying to be kind and thoughtful but I'm comfortable feeding anywhere (and feel it's important to do so to normalise breastfeeding.) By asking me if I want a room more attention is drawn to the fact I'm feeding - people turned and looked today when previously they probably hadn't even noticed. I also need to actually be present to supervise my DS - it's no good squirrelling myself away alone in a private room when my 2 year old is running around a soft play centre!

AIBU to be happy to breastfeed in public without feeling that staff want me hidden away?

No snubbed comment from me
Just adding on from my last reply and putting my opinion :)

Could it be that the staff member was young or hasn't had children and therefore had no idea that offering the fact they had a feeding room would insult you, as its probably not something they have ever given any thought to?

The fact you were already feeding , to someone who has never done it wouldn't even cross their mind the problem in moving. Also they probably didnt know you had a 2 year old with you as they were off running around.

Or the person letting you know about the room may have been a mother who struggled with breastfeeding and seeing how young your baby was thought you might like the option.

Not every new mum has the confidence with a new baby to breast feed in public or to even ask if there is anywhere to feed. I certainly didnt have that confidence with my first as a young mum. Someone offering me somewhere would have been a massive relief because I was genuinely crap at it.

Don't assume someone offering you a room is doing so because they dont want you feeding in public. I imagine most are offering so you have the option.

Its great that so many posters are confident with BF. But please dont ruin it for those of that aren't but taking offence to people trying to help you. As those people might stop offering.

Good point bigears

I'd have felt the same as you but would have tried to make myself realise it was probably well intentioned. I've only been offered a room once in a year which I turned down and I was a bit miffed about that as it felt much more like a stroganoff suggestion rather than simply information that a room was available.

I still maintain that nursing covers of all kinds draw more attention than just cracking on with it

A strong suggestion, not stroganoff! Nobody ever offered me beef dishes, mores the pity

I don't think you are unreasonable at all. As others have said, if you wanted privacy you would've asked for a room.
I think it's a bit passive aggressive to ask.
Their problem not yours.

"Its great that so many posters are confident with BF. But please dont ruin it for those of that aren't but taking offence to people trying to help you. As those people might stop offering." Exactly how is the OP not wanting to move to feed her baby and not wanting to be offered a room ruining "it for those of that aren't but taking offence to people trying to help you."

I've been in soft play places plenty of times and my guess is the staff (who either seem to be bored stiff in a quite place or rushed off their feet in a busy one) don't really spend much time looking out for the comfort of the parents there. I'd love to hear from anyone who works in a place that has a room for breastfeeding mothers how that room came about.

"Also they probably didnt know you had a 2 year old with you as they were off running around."

Well, they may well not have known how old the child was but how many women take tiny babies to a soft play place, very few. So it must have been obvious there was another child somewhere.

Women breastfeeding their babies is normal, biological, perfectly OK. And the law says that too. Any mother who is not comfortable can ask where else she may do this, if she is.

My guess is more likely it is the non-breast feeding people who feel embarrassed/concerned and so that is what fuels the desire for a separate room. But not offering the room to women, that doesn't stop them having it. They could have it and say to all mums with young kids, we have a room if you need it for feeding etc. Say it once, when you arrive, then you know, then leave you alone.

Bluntness "To take issue with being offered a room is very damaging to women who may wish one. And many are uncomfortable and would like one. But if uou make it a bad thing then offers of support will stop. It's not all about you."

It was, on that occasion all about her, and how exactly did she take issue? She went away and wrote on an anonymous forum about it.

It's not bad to have a room women can use, it's good. But offering it can cause offense because it does really look like 'Hey we would rather you didn't do that here."

Better for places that want to help nursing mothers to know what really helps. Why would knowing what helps mean they were less likely to want to help?

To add further context, if desired:
The lady who asked was not 'young', but I obviously don't know if she has children
The room offered was the crèche, not a dedicated feeding room
It was obvious I had a toddler - she had just served us some food (another reason why buggering off would have been odd)

Yabu but I see what you mean.

Personally I struggled with bf in public and also bottle fed so did struggle with logistics - would have happily gone to a room!

Apologies if I upset anyone with my earlier comment - it was out of order.

It seems to me to be stretching the bounds of credibility that this 'invitation' are anything other than a not-so-subtle message that I was not welcome to breastfeed there as I may make other people uncomfortable.

I'm inclined to agree with Italian - the thing to do is to mention it when someone comes in as an available facility, just as you might say that there's a separate unisex babychanging room or something. Not scuttle over the moment a woman starts feeding and point out that there is another room (the creche?!) where they may want to go instead.

But then you'll take offence at the suggestion they are making sure you know about the separate room no doubt when you arrive.

I wouldn't take offence at being offered facilities on arrival - especially if it was "we can see you have a young baby with you - just to make you aware we have some quiet areas available if you would prefer if you need to feed or settle them down for a nap at any point".

That way it's much more inclusive - both ff & bf mum's can make use of the facilities as I know that babies (especially slightly older babies) can get distracted from feeding whether breast or bottle fed if they're in a busy environment & can also get overstimulated....

I can't speak for the OP but I wouldn't bigears. I'm not 'taking offence' either - just questioning motives

If a mum is clearly settled and quietly breastfeeding in public, then any offer of a private room is nothing more than either 1. A demonstration of their own unease or 2. A projection of their own unease to the bf mother or, worse still, 3. An assumption about and an attempt to allay the unease of their other customers in a passive agressive way.

^^ This.

Somewhere has a quiet area for feeding a baby? Fine, that's great for women who would prefer to breastfeed - or bottlefeed - in private. But the helpful, supportive thing to do would be to either point the feeding facilities out when a woman arrives, or to have them clearly signposted.
If someone were to come and offer me a room once I'd already started breastfeeding, it would make me feel that they didn't want me breastfeeding there. It wouldn't feel that they were doing it out of consideration for me. Especially if the same offer wasn't being made to bottle feeding mothers.
I'm perfectly capable of asking if there's anywhere more private to breastfeed, if privacy is something I feel that I want or need.

I wouldn't overthink it- I breastfeed anywhere - some recent milky boob outings have been in the corridors of national trust stately homes and in a local football club bar. It's my second child so I'm comfortable ewith it but I think it's great when people ask if I'm okay or if I need anything. Sometimes people offer to get me a drink of water, or ask if I want to go anywhere private but I think that does show that it is actually becoming normalised because people are okay with approaching you and asking.

Bf is entirely normal.

However it does involve some exposure if you're not adept, which is usually when you are at your post natal, baby blues, body feels battered and scarred phase (for anyone about the shout me down I'm a natural term breastfeeder of a 2 1/2 year old who ran the local NCT cafe for a while too. I have seen many women learn to feed their first. The no one noticing/no one ever gets squirted comes a month or two down the line). That's aside from any cultural issues or other unsupportive people on that day.

Not every feed needs to be a political act.

A woman's right to feed does not come with a caveat "but only if she wants to fight for us".

A woman can be shy, or apolitical or gasp just not give two shits about the rest of us feeding and she still absolutely has the right to breastfeed as she wishes.

Therefore rooms may be offered but not forced. There isn't a problem with that.

The Badass Breastfeed did a fabulous post about breastfeeding mums who use a scarf or cover and why no one has the right to criticise.
I had a disgusting pupps rash when I first fed - wanted to cover that not my boob. I have over supply and uncontrollable let down. I used an apron and found I liked it because it also helped dd sleep - comments as if I was "ashamed" did not go down well.

Expecting all breast feeding women to be strong, public and fighting for it actually de-normalises it, by alienating a huge swathe of people who just want to feed, and find the idea that if they cover etc they are doing it "wrong" (if you ever think/say that, you are a stone cold sanctum bitch and need to check yourself - that is not lactivsm but one up woman ship) isolates them.
In the cafe/support groups I went to and volunteered at this came up again and again.

The act of accepting the shy feeder is an act of lactivism - at the same time as ensuring rooms, covers etc are not suggested or forced.

YANBU. If it were me I would have felt MORE uncomfortable being asked if I wanted a room, as I'd start worrying/overthinking that they were trying to "politely" tell me they didn't want me breastfeeding in public. As DeanTav said above, if you wanted a room, you'd ask if there was one.

On the other hand, they probably were just trying to be considerate. But I do see where you are coming from, definitely.

when I BF my first dd I was a little bit nervous about doing it in public, so normally went to mother and baby rooms. But as time went on and I got more confident with it I fed her wherever I wanted to.. and then had that same confidence with my 2nd dd, but I do think the staff were just being polite and trying to make things more comfortable for you, some bf mothers prefer privacy. But I agree with you in it needs to be normalized people look at you like your doing something wrong when you do it in public it makes me

I think breastfeeding is normalised now? Especially somewhere like a soft play centre, where tons of the customers have babies.
I fed all over the place, but fairly discreetly. No one ever challenged me, or batted an eyelid. I agree that if you want to do it discreetly that's your right, and doesn't mean you are ashamed about the act of feeding itself, more that you still feel your breasts are quite private. I wouldn't be offended by being offered a quiet place to do it, would just smile and say I was fine thanks.

I have bf for years and I would have loved a comfy sofa :) I live rurally now but I have fond memories of the John lewis baby room in Edinburgh which I spent lots of time with DS1. My last pregnancy was twins and once they got bigger it was really hard to feed discreetly as at home I'd tandem feed and trying to feed one out and about would result in much wailing and pawing from the other. It's nigh on impossible to bf two babies discreetly (although kudos to anyone who manages) so it really limited where we could go.

YANBU. When someone offers me a room, I feel like they are implying I should be using a room.

People might be being kind and trying to put you at ease but I don't think people should make a fuss about it. Why would feeding a baby require a special room? Baby needs to eat like anyone else, it's nothing unusual.

A friend of mine once asked me if she could drape her scarf over me and DS while I was feeding him. I said no and she said "oh ok" with a weird look on her face. I felt quite disappointed in her.

I really think they were trying to be helpful.

Try bfing opposite your DF in a Wetherspoons as he tells you it makes him feel "uncomfortable". Well, she's not having her lunch in a disabled loo just to make you happy.

There really isn't any flopping or squirting involved DS1 used to fall asleep on the breast, fall off and squirt himself in the eye!