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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to get a room?

158 replies

Splashingincuddles · 27/02/2017 18:15

I have a 10-day-old DD and am EBF, as I did for 9 months with DS. I have so far been out and fed in public 3 times - a leisure centre, a hospital waiting room and a soft play. In two of these places I was asked if I was 'ok' or if I wanted to use a room. I get that people are trying to be kind and thoughtful but I'm comfortable feeding anywhere (and feel it's important to do so to normalise breastfeeding.) By asking me if I want a room more attention is drawn to the fact I'm feeding - people turned and looked today when previously they probably hadn't even noticed. I also need to actually be present to supervise my DS - it's no good squirrelling myself away alone in a private room when my 2 year old is running around a soft play centre!

AIBU to be happy to breastfeed in public without feeling that staff want me hidden away?

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 27/02/2017 20:09

I breast-fed for a year and a bit.

Always carried a shawl tho cos even if I felt the right to do it where it was needed, never felt comfortable doing it "in public" without a shawl around us.

If there was no private room available, I just did it. Nothing worse than a hungry child bawling his head off. Too bad for the offended. A wide shawl gave me all our privacy.

ArriettyClock1 · 27/02/2017 20:11

I would suspect the motive was more that they were uncomfortable with you breastfeeding. I was happy to breastfeed anywhere. A member of staff offering me a room, would have made me feel slightly like I was doing something wrong.

DH and I have had lunch in a local pub for the last 2 Mondays and last week 5 mums with babies were there sitting on sofas and 2 of them were breastfeeding. Today, on the same sofa area, there was one woman breastfeeding.

It was by a fire, looked extremely cosy and no-one batted an eyelid.

If women are modest, they can ask if there is a private area themselves.

Dumdedumdedum · 27/02/2017 20:13

I remember breast feeding my daughter when she was about 6 months old; we were at an open-air restaurant in Athens and the people at the next table asked the waiter to tell me to move away out of their sight as I was offending them by being indecent (I covered my boobs and baby's head with muslin but that was not enough). This was 21 years ago. I was quite upset as I was perfectly discreet and surely feeding her was better than having a wailing hungry baby disturbing them? I was not about to go into a cramped loo to feed her. Shame that attitudes don't necessarily seem to have changed much since then.

Sparklingbrook · 27/02/2017 20:13

These places can't do right for doing wrong can they?

LizzieMacQueen · 27/02/2017 20:24

I think they were just looking for an excuse to speak to you and catch a wee glimpse of a 10 day old newborn .......... please don't take offense.

Kudos to you for being at soft play 10 days after the birth.

Original poster
Splashingincuddles · 27/02/2017 20:26

Why would I take a 10-day old to soft play?? Because I have a 2.5 year old! I didn't let my DD loose in the ball pool - I fed her, she slept in the pram and my toddler ran some energy off.

I am sorry there are some who find this topic tiresome - the responses highlight that there is need for a debate. I didn't, however, start this thread to encourage a breast v bottle debate, I just wondered what people thought about being offered a room. I agree with Arietty, I do think it was more to do with the discomfort of the staff.

OP posts:
P1nkSparkles · 27/02/2017 20:26

I second the letting you know about facilities when you arrive with a baby.

I have no issue feeding in public - but my DD can be v fussy and get distracted, so a room might actually be appreciated sometimes. But if we've actually managed to get a good latch and are feeding well - I'm basically not moving for anything!!

Sparklingbrook · 27/02/2017 20:30

But the staff have no idea that you will want to feed the baby while you are there so why would they let you know? Confused

You might only be popping in for half an hour.

Seems they should now be psychic.

Silvercatowner · 27/02/2017 20:33

Huge difference between bf'ing a newborn and bf'ing a 6 month old. I'm a passionate bf'er but I might just wonder if a mum with a tiny baby might want some privacy in the process of getting used to latching on and feeding. Well done to you, OP - I was only confident to bf in public after about 4 or 5 weeks, when the soreness had worn off and we were both confident.

RedSauce · 27/02/2017 20:35

There really isn't any squirting or flopping involved

That depends on how fast your letdown is. Sometimes there is some definite squirting!! Grin Blush

Cel982 · 27/02/2017 20:39

YANBU, OP. While they may have been trying to be helpful, approaching a woman who is comfortably breastfeeding and suggesting she may like to go elsewhere is sending the wrong message about the acceptability of public breastfeeding. If a woman is really uncomfortable feeding in public she will usually ask the staff if there's a room she can use, and then yes, it's great if there's somewhere with a bit of privacy and a comfortable chair. But they should not be doing anything to imply, even unwittingly, that public breastfeeding is less acceptable than bottle-feeding.

I think what most people get upset about is the whole "flop the boob out and get squirting" and make a big play about feeding the baby.

Hmm Hugest of eyerolls here. This never, ever happens. It's a straw man argument used by idiots. Well done.

SpringerS · 27/02/2017 20:52

Hugest of eyerolls here. This never, ever happens. It's a straw man argument used by idiots. Well done.

Of course it does. Everybody knows new mothers are exhibitionists, doing every thing they can to ruin your day with tits. Pretending their little ones are looking for comfort or a feed so they can ruin your day with tits. (Sorry, thread like this always give me a Sparrow Folk earworm.)

It would be great if most of the posters here could stop gaslighting the OP. She was not being asked if she wanted a room for her comfort, the staff were trying to move her while attempting to not break the law (though they may still have). If they were worried about her comfort, they would have asked if she would like a glass of water or if they could do anything to help her. Once they felt that she was in fact comfortable, they'd let her be or if she'd indicated she'd like a private spot, they could then offer her the option.

OuchBollocks · 27/02/2017 21:08

I expect the bottle feeders are also made aware of the room I was offered (harking back to page 1) as it has bottle warmers in it. I would certainly suggest it to someone I saw trying to bottle feed in that shopping centre, it's a lovely baby room. I accept this is the exception however.

Sparklingbrook · 27/02/2017 21:13

Much reading between the lines going on. We have no idea why she was asked if she wanted a room.

I can't imagine anyone asking a woman breastfeeding woman if they could do anything to help her. Confused

ceepeeree · 27/02/2017 21:18

flop the boob out and get squirting" and make a big play about feeding the baby

Yep...and you wonder why women are uncomfortable... Hmm.

I'm with you OP. Mixed fed both of mine. Genuinely no interest in how babies are fed but can't stand the mom-shaming/negativity/guilt-pressure in what is already an extremely emotional and anxious time ( 10 day old with a toddler- jesus that's stress!)

ForalltheSaints · 27/02/2017 21:20

Asking is OK, forcing not.

MotherFuckingChainsaw · 27/02/2017 21:20

I was an unashamed flop em out feeder

But I often did take a room wHen offered as dd was like a bloody owl on a turntable. Forever twisting round to look at what was going on, so I used to end up going somewhere more private just to get her to concentrate (not at 10 days old mind you, but as she got bigger)

Rustler74 · 27/02/2017 21:22

Bravo OP, Cel and Arietty, I think you're spot on, Cel!
I liked the comment about fresh mothers maybe wanting to ask for a room if there's an issue with latching etc.
I'm hoping that I'll be courageous enough to bf in public, and I won't want to move once I've started to feed.
We don't need to worry about the attitude to bf in general over here, as many do it and I feel strengthened by all the examples set. I'm not worried about failing in any way or not setting a good example as yoda snidely commented Angry. I'm mainly concerned with giving my child the best start in life and getting all the support I need for that.

WanderingTrolley1 · 27/02/2017 21:29

Yabu.

UmmNo · 27/02/2017 21:34

I have so far been out and fed in public 3 times - a leisure centre, a hospital waiting room and a soft play.In two of these places I was asked if I was 'ok' or if I wanted to use a room

I'm actually amazed that you were asked this at any of these places. Confused. I BF all four of my D.C. all over the place and was never once asked. How weird

downwardfacingdog · 27/02/2017 21:36

Yanbu. It would make me feel uncomfortable and like they thought I should be in the room. It's sad that the rooms are needed really and that there are still attitudes about attention seeking and flaunting yourself for meeting your baby's basic need to be fed.

Mysterycat23 · 27/02/2017 21:47

YANBU. If someone came over and asked if I'd like to use a room I'd be pretty hacked off. It implies there's something wrong with doing it in public.

A bit off topic but so what if it takes a while to get the latch. l'm a new mum and still often have to hold boob with one hand and baby's head with the other. Often takes a good few tries with a lot of fussing. There is still very little to see from across a cafe unless you were having a good gawp and were very close up Hmm

Have bf 4 times in public now and pleased to say no one has approached me. Despite any fussing, or indeed any flopping and squirting.

Original poster
Splashingincuddles · 27/02/2017 21:48

I know Ummno. I don't remember being asked when feeding DS. Maybe my floppage and squirting was too obvious Hmm

OP posts:
BreconBeBuggered · 27/02/2017 21:48

Better signage is what's required if they genuinely have a comfortable room set aside for feeding babies. Who, especially a mother with a newborn, wants to shift once the baby's settled in for a feed? And why not place the comfy seats somewhere that allows supervision of the child using the facilities?

My eldest is in his 20s now, but I still remember that sense of isolation when I picked up on occasional helpful hints about 'a room', where I'd end up staring at bare walls with my slow-feeding child and wondering why I'd bothered leaving the house.

AyeAmarok · 27/02/2017 21:57

God, they can't win, can they.

If they don't have facilities for someone to go and bf in a nice comfortable room/area, then they aren't bf friendly.

If they do and they offer you the use of it, they are shaming breastfeeding.

If they don't offer FF mums the room too, they are uncomfortable with BF and trying to break the law.

If they want to be helpful, they shouldn't tell you that there is a nice, private, comfortable room especially for breastfeeding, and should instead just bring you water.

Confused

I was at the GP surgery recently and they have a sign saying "Breastfeeding welcome" as it's also a baby clinic on certain days. I was cursing it because it's very easy to put a sticker on the window saying that, but actually when you're sitting in a busy cramped and hot GP waiting room on plastic chairs with a load of unwell strangers coughing and spluttering over you, and young yobbish tracksuitted men, and old men drunks, in the room staring at you, it definitely doesn't feel like breastfeeding is welcome...

I was going to complain about it being an example of the NHS saying they want to encourage breastfeeding, but doing bugger all to actually support it.

I'd have loved to have been offered a private room there a few days ago. Instead I battled a screaming baby until my appointment, then ran to feed in the car afterwards.

So YABU. Not everyone is as confident as you. So don't ruin it for us.