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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to get a room?

158 replies

Splashingincuddles · 27/02/2017 18:15

I have a 10-day-old DD and am EBF, as I did for 9 months with DS. I have so far been out and fed in public 3 times - a leisure centre, a hospital waiting room and a soft play. In two of these places I was asked if I was 'ok' or if I wanted to use a room. I get that people are trying to be kind and thoughtful but I'm comfortable feeding anywhere (and feel it's important to do so to normalise breastfeeding.) By asking me if I want a room more attention is drawn to the fact I'm feeding - people turned and looked today when previously they probably hadn't even noticed. I also need to actually be present to supervise my DS - it's no good squirrelling myself away alone in a private room when my 2 year old is running around a soft play centre!

AIBU to be happy to breastfeed in public without feeling that staff want me hidden away?

OP posts:
AnaG1ypta · 28/02/2017 07:39

I remember my first time out with DS1. I asked if it was OK to Bf in the cafe. They weren't sure and fussed around for ages. DS1 crying all the while. Eventually I fed him anyway - they still hadn't decided.

Never asked again! That was only 10 years ago.

GallivantingWildebeest · 28/02/2017 07:48

I think what most people get upset about is the whole "flop the boob out and get squirting" - FFS, Penguin! Bet you bottle fed. Hmm

You sound disgusted by the process. Well, I can tell you there is no flopping or squirting involved. FFS.

Perhaps you're one of the people whose attitudes the OP would like to change towards BFing!

ShuttyTown · 28/02/2017 07:49
Biscuit
OuchBollocks · 28/02/2017 08:01

GallivantingWildebeest I squirted. My let down was rather ferocious and DD couldn't always cope, there were several occasions where there was a big old milk spray before I learned to be quick with a muslin (had forgotten about this!) It didn't bother me much, I fed anywhere and everywhere, but I do think it's nice if decent facilities are made available for baby feeding.

There are some breastfeeding mothers who are shy, and I can see how they would rather stay home or give a bottle than draw attention to their breastfeeding. Surely it doesn't take much imagination to work that out? In that case a decent room well signed will do as much to encourage breastfeeding as anything else.

Bloody hell though, if soft play staff were genuinely uncomfortable with a baby breastfeeding given how fucking grim most soft play places are! I would have thought soft play staff had seen it all. Don't look too closely at the ball pits!

SoupDragon · 28/02/2017 08:09

It's a miracle some of you managed to give birth Hmm

And it's a miracle some of you managed to raise children with so little empathy.

RedHelenB · 28/02/2017 08:15

I breastfed all 3 of mine anywhere and everywhere (not in the swimming pool though!) and never once had any comments of any sort and I live in an area where bf rates are low. TBH, I dont think anyone really realised what I was doing half the time!

Basicbrown · 28/02/2017 08:21

A room would have been much quieter and DS2 was very easily distracted.

Y'see DD1 was really easily distracted and bottle fed. I used to have real issues with feeding her out and about if I couldn't find somewhere quiet.

FFS, Penguin! Bet you bottle fed

So 'bottle feeding' is being seen as some kind of insult now. Nice. Are women really unable to see that until we stand up against all the disapproval however you feed your baby it isn't going to actually change?

I think yanbu op. If you were happy feeding where you were then why would they offer you a room? Especially in soft play where you are watching a toddler.

Bluntness100 · 28/02/2017 08:25

To take issue with being offered a room is very damaging to women who may wish one. And many are uncomfortable and would like one. But if uou make it a bad thing then offers of support will stop. It's not all about you.

You were not asked to go to the room, you were simply offered support. Don't look for reasons to be offended as all you will do is damage others and put women off breast feeding. Being politely offered a room is a good thing for many. Don't try to force it to stop by making out its bad.

motherinferior · 28/02/2017 08:29

I breastfed indiscreetly and immodestly. Smile

I'd have been pissed off too. If they really wanted to be helpful they'd have offered you a glass of water and possibly a cake.

StarUtopia · 28/02/2017 08:47

I'm just curious as to how on earth you were supervising a 2 yr old at a play centre (I can't think of any round here at all that allow a child that age to wander round on their own and rightly so) and manage a 10 day old baby?

(without exposing 10 day old baby to god knows how many germs etc)

Misses point of thread..

SoupDragon · 28/02/2017 08:59

So 'bottle feeding' is being seen as some kind of insult now. Nice

Er... no, surely it's just a statement Confused. Personally I can't imagine someone who breastfed making such a twatty comment about "squirting" and "flopping out" a breast' can you? Those comments certainly were meant as an insult.

SoupDragon · 28/02/2017 09:00

I'm just curious as to how on earth you were supervising a 2 yr old at a play centre (I can't think of any round here at all that allow a child that age to wander round on their own and rightly so)

The big one nearest me has a gated toddler section where you can see them and they can't get out.

pigsknickers · 28/02/2017 09:19

Bloody hell, so not only is the OP some sort of breastfeeding propagandist but now she's not supervising her toddler properly and is recklessly exposing her newborn to germs? Why does every thread about breastfeeding attract such nastiness?

I would also be a bit irritated at the offer of a room once I'd got settled - even if I'd prefer privacy (and sometimes I do depending on where I am and what sort of day we're having), it's no use if you've got to unlatch baby, gather all your stuff together and extract toddler from whatever they're doing. A big sign in the doorway or a word when you arrive would be much more appropriate. It may have been well-intentioned or it may have been an attempt to get you out of sight - either way, not helpful.

Basicbrown · 28/02/2017 09:22

2 year olds are not allowed to run around soft play centres? How very odd, aren't they for 2 year olds?

Original poster
Splashingincuddles · 28/02/2017 09:50

Jeez! So I'm assuming it would have been better all round if I hadn't left the house at all, hadn't given my toddler a trip out after 10 days of newborn fuss, hadn't 'exposed' my newborn to germs (which are everywhere, even my - god forbid - house)? Hmm Ok.

As I've said, this isn't a breast v bottle feeding issue, I wasn't 'off' with the staff and I'm not insulted at being offered a room. I stated in my first post that their intentions were probably kind. I was just wondering how others felt about this, having been asked twice in a week and feeling that staff would have preferred me to be behind closed doors.

OP posts:
AntiqueSinger · 28/02/2017 10:09

If a mum is clearly settled and quietly breastfeeding in public, then any offer of a private room is nothing more than either 1. A demonstration of their own unease or 2. A projection of their own unease to the bf mother or, worse still, 3. An assumption about and an attempt to allay the unease of their other customers in a passive agressive way.

Either way the offer is based on the original premise that someone whether they themselves, the mother (whom they are projecting on and hasn't asked), or their customers, feels socially awkward about the act and responsibility of bff in public.

pigsknickers · 28/02/2017 10:16

Hope it was clear that my post was supporting you OP.

Original poster
Splashingincuddles · 28/02/2017 10:35

Yes pigsknickers it was clear, thank you. I was referring to previous posters.

OP posts:
Basicbrown · 28/02/2017 10:49

Personally I can't imagine someone who breastfed making such a twatty comment about "squirting" and "flopping out" a breast' can you? Those comments certainly were meant as an insult.

Of course not, those who breastfed are a higher species. I can't imagine as a woman making such a twatty comment, why do we have to split 'breastfeeders' and 'bottle feeders' into these 2 camps? The vast majority of us have actually done both, at some point.

We need to stand together, until we do so then the utter nonsense continues.

SoupDragon · 28/02/2017 11:47

Of course not, those who breastfed are a higher species.

WTF is that supposed to mean? Confused

SoupDragon · 28/02/2017 11:48

Surely ts obvious that all I meant was that if you'd breastfed you wouldnt refer to it as flopping out a breast and squirting. If you want to twist what I said,p though [shrug]

squishy91 · 28/02/2017 11:51

I think it's great you were offered a room. I don't think all mums who breast feed would want to ask for a room if they wanted it, I know I probably wouldn't go and ask for a room if I wanted one. It's not like they told you to go to a room, they were obviously thinking of how a new mum or mum could feel about feeding in public and was offering you another option.

Basicbrown · 28/02/2017 11:55

But surely you are also twisting what I am saying which is quite simply why would anyone refer to it in that way?

squishy91 · 28/02/2017 12:25

Actually I was asked if I wanted to use a room after my 6 week post natal check with the doctors. The doctor knew baby needed feeding and offered me a room to feed her, I was not offended or insulted or thought she thought the other patients in the waiting room wouldn't want to see me bf, I was instead grateful that I had the option of feeding her in private. I was going to feed in the waiting room but decided to take advantage of the room.
I'm not sure what the problem is here?

Rustler74 · 28/02/2017 14:56

Squishy that was a kind offer of your gp, and could not have been misinterpreted as you hadn't started bf-ing yet. It's slightly different when the baby is already latched on and you're settled, although the tone of the person who asks can be very different.
'I know you come here regularly so for future reference, did you know we have a nice relaxing room where you can (breast)feed?'
All the way up to
'We would prefer if you wouldn't feed your baby here as it's not nice for others'
And everything in between...
We weren't there when OP got asked, so we have no idea how it was intended. Therefore I can only see her as a reasonable person asking a very reasonable question, not deserving any snubbed comment at her.