DH wants to use a family name for our child, I don't - AIBU

[Todayistuesday]

DH's middle name is an unusual one and his father and grandfather also have it. It's a family name. He'd like our baby to have it too if it's a boy. I really don't like it. I'd maybe consider it as an additional middle name. He wants it as a first name and doesn't want the child to have two middle names. With my other child we both chose their names. AIBU?

Stand your ground.

Why shouldn't the father stand his ground? Where would that leave them?

It's a family tradition that you didn't use with DC1 so why just because you're having a boy are you expected to use it.

Perhaps because the tradition is for boys and the first child was a girl.

Say no means no. End of.

The child has two parents.

No way would I give my child a name I didn't like - fuck any tradition or what the relatives think. You are the mother so you have an equal say with the father - he can't trump you just because he has the backing of his family. In this situation they have no say at all. If you both don't agree then it can't happen. I wouldn't even contemplate it for a middle name either.

If you both don't agree then it can't happen

The problem with this is that it means the mother gets what she wants. When it is a choice of two names, with each parent wanting a different one and hating the other, I agree that neither name can be used. This is a little different.

Why do so many people think the woman trumps the man on this subject? Or actually on MN most subjects?

I was very (wrongly) tunnel visioned about not using the traditional name, but what we decided on was 50/50 choice

Er no, if one parent dislikes a name then it's out.

We have 2 middle names because of this scenario, although the tradition was my family rather than DH.(the tradition is 2 middle names too) It's not a nice name but I dug my heels in as DH got his surname so was already represented. I think a second middle name is fine for these kind of traditions. Make sure it's number er w as lots of official documents drop it off anyway.

Number 2..fat finger typing

I refused to give my dc a traditional family name. There is no way I was lumbering my dc with a name I thought would embarrasss them (as it had dh). I don't suppose my ILs were happy but I took the view that they had had the chance to name their own child, I get to name mine.

Your dh needs to realise that a name us something both parents should agree on. If you hate it that much, you shouldn't even give it as a middle name.

The OP has said that she would be prepared to have it as a second middle name (so that's her compromise) but that her dh wants it as a first name and doesn't want the child to have two middle names.
Where's his compromise?

When I read the OP, I thought why wouldn't you do this for your DH if you love him? It would be a kind thing to do.

Now I know the names I think - No, just no.

OP I wouldn't use it if you don't like it. The longer you carry on with the 'tradition' the more enforced it is on future generations. You are essentially passing this problem on to your son when he names his kids.

I also think by people fixating on these things as crucial traditions e.g 'for 200 years there's been a Jeremiah Bungle in our family' you encourage preference for male children/grandchildren to continue the family name and disappointment if one generation 'only' has girls and the tradition dies out. It is patriarchal and old fashioned.

Stand your ground OP, dreadful names for a boy, your Son will be eternally grateful.
Your Inlaws made their choice, you make yours.
I would, if needs be, compromise on a middle name only.

So OP's DH has X name and wants it as boys first name.
OP doesn't like name at all but would consider it as a middle name.

The compromise would be to use it as a middle name (and if it were me I would give more than one middle name here). Both parents will have compromised.

I have a ex with a middle name Lindsay, it's a family name handed down to the boys and it looked fine with his other names.
It is his third middle name; last one before surname (James Arthur being the other two).
Idk, it could work?

Also...OP could have a girl!

Some really interesting responses with regard to the role patriarchy plays in naming. Thank you all for such a lot of support, so good to get an understanding of other people's experiences. I'm leaning towards offering it as a second middle name or not at all. My dislike of the name has grown rather than abated. I fear this doesn't bode well. Every time I fill in a form I'm going to be irritated by it.

Don't use it then!

No way would I use either of those names OP. There was an awful middle name tradition in my mum's family -fortunately she stopped it.

OP you have to like your baby's name. You're going to spend the rest of your life using it.

Tradition does not get to win over you hating the name. If tradition had nothing to do with it, it wouldn't be an issue. Your DH has to compromise.

OP you have to like your baby's name. You're going to spend the rest of your life using it

Not the middle name you don't. I don't think anyone even knows my middle name anymore, it hasn't been used for any reason other than applying for a passport for 30 years.

I never understand why anyone cares about middle names.

Maybe compromise with an anagram

Ray Hill

Or

Deny Sly

Hmm maybe not...

Seriously, just let the kid have it as a middle name ... I have two middle names, both family traditions, and nobody except my family knows wat they are because it never comes up.

I never use them unless I need my full name as written on my birth certificate, if there's a form to fill out the only time I ever put down my middle names is if it's mandatory to do so, and I have never been referred to by my full name except by my mum whenever I was in trouble as a child in such a way that it would embarrass me.

You might not like the name but your DH has a family tradition and your child might like it, even if you don't!

Huh? I don't get the angst about Lindsay (spelt that way) as a middle name for a boy. But then I know several male Lindsays, including my first work supervisor.

Hillary or Hilary is rare enough for a girl these days that you might get away with it, but there's the Clinton factor... no, maybe best avoided.

" melj1213 Mon 27-Feb-17 12:53:46

Seriously, just let the kid have it as a middle name ... I have two middle names, both family traditions, and nobody except my family knows wat they are because it never comes up."

^^ Exactly. I can't believe how much time DH and I spent deliberating on my second DD's middle names. Honestly - they never come up.

Very odd your DH is insisting on it as a first name though, which isn't even THE tradition. I like family traditions of this ilk personally but I would be saying I'd be happy to go along with the one that exists -i.e. the name as a middle name - but not as a first name.

If he can't compromise in that way (which isn't even really a compromise since it is #the traditions#), I do see why you feel you want to retrench and say, not at all.

This is by the by, but 'the name that got away' for my younger DD was Clementine. I was rueful about it for sometime. DD cannot stand to be in the same room with anything that smells of citrus. If I've eaten an orange an hour previously or washed my hadn with orange scented soap, she can sniff it out.

So - names have a way of working out somehow. I hope you guys can find a solution.

The OP's compromise of using it as a second middle name is perfectly acceptable.

The DH's wish to use the name as the first name with no middle names us not acceptable, as he knows OP doesn't like the name.

I say YANBU, but then I'm in a similar boat! Husband wants our first child to have his parents' names as middle names (we don't know gender of child). I feel really strongly against this, I don't like either of their names and I feel really strongly that a child should be their own person, not a collection of handmedown names- the surname is enough!! Good luck OP xxx

I wouldn't give a DS either name, I think they're awful for boys. You should be able to veto. With exdp, we vetoed any name we hated for DD. He desperately wanted Skye, I desperately wanted Imogen. We settled on something completely different because neither of us could live with the alternate names. You shouldn't have to name your child something you cannot stand.

I had an ex with the middle name "Beverly" and I found it so amusing