DH wants to use a family name for our child, I don't - AIBU

[Todayistuesday]

DH's middle name is an unusual one and his father and grandfather also have it. It's a family name. He'd like our baby to have it too if it's a boy. I really don't like it. I'd maybe consider it as an additional middle name. He wants it as a first name and doesn't want the child to have two middle names. With my other child we both chose their names. AIBU?

SheSaidNoFuckThat Yes well...

Could ask him to start a new tradition there by passing that down?

I just couldn't use either of those middle names at all. Very feminine, and I don't think a child having to grow up with them would thank the parents for it. The names are horrendous.

I do like traditional names for both boys and girls, but family names other than the surname has never been a thing in either my family or DH's, thankfully. The only time that changed slightly was when DH was named after a close relative who had died in tragic circumstances some years before he (DH). There are still a couple if traditions surrounding that tragic event and we have honoured those. They don't involve continued use of the name though.

If it's Lyndsey (sorry about spelling) it means lime tree (or lime tree land or something) Linden and Lyndon both have a similar meaning but more masculine. While Hillary can become Hilleary as an alt spelling or Hilaris which all mean cheerful. Most British names are derived from other names and changed through out the years no reason why you can't start your own. I hated my last name as my father was abusive and my mother changed my birth last name when I was 5 so they can always change it later.

so they can always change it later.

I've seen this a few times - kinda passes the buck to the child doesn't it?

Scottishdiem in all honesty I'm hoping one of the DSs will pick back up the tradition and my ignorance will be a blip in the timeline.

It was a joint decision to use my maiden name

Sometimes no matter what you choose it might not be the choice the person (child) wants is all I meant. No Buck passing just fact, my friends first name was David but he went by his middle name which I didn't even realise for like 4yrs.

I guess ultimately it's down to the parent my other half has a family name and his mother chose not to use it A'court (I think is lovely) and if I have a boy it will be their middle name but only because I like it, personally I wouldn't stand for a name didn't like as I am carrying and giving birth to the child. If it's a girl it will have my last name and if it's a boy it will be his.

middleclass sporty my point was someone always says but he can pass on his surname but it's far easier to lose a surname accidentally than a family name. My Dad's surname will die with him and it's not something you'd use as a middle mammy whereas my sister has passed on family names on both sides. I think op should go with it and do should accept a second middle name as compromise

If it's Lindsay (Scottish clan surname) I might be ok with having it as a second middle name. I have used my maiden surname as a second middle name for both of my children. It seems common for the second middle name to be a surname.Do you live in Scotland op (apologies as I haven't read all of the posts)? As Lindsay is a Scottish clan name and as a result is not likely to cause bullying among Scottish children.

Despite giving the g.p and school both of my children's full names, they are known as only fist name, first middle name, surname in any communication. It is really only my children and close family that know their second name. Incidentally it was my husbands grandmother who asked us to use my maiden name as a second middle name. There was a tradition in my husbands grandfathers family of naming the children with mothers maiden name for a second middle name. My husbands grandfather broke the tradition when my FIL was born, as he hated filling out forms! His wife, my husbands grandmother was sad about it and had thought it a lovely tradition so we promised to carry it forward. My Dad was delighted! As things stand the likelihood of any of either my siblings, or my husands siblings having children any time soon is very low. So I love that my maiden name continues, even if just for one more generation.

I think you could add this name you despise as a second middle name, if and only if, this baby has your last name, not his dad's.

That way he keeps their family tradition alive and your in laws and DH are happy, and your family is represented too.

If they don't like it, they can swap the "traditional" middle name they're insisting on for their last name and you get a son who has his first and middle name at least that don't make your toes curl.

Win win.

I always think its nice for men to defer to women ultimately in the choice of a name. Not if they absolutely hate it of course but seeing as women endure pregnancy and birth then I think its only fair that they may have the final say. Especially if it is the mans surname.

willyou but it's not like they talked and he said no love, you do the pregnancy cos I'm too lazy, he can't exactly do it can he? I'm not sure how well your logic would go down with lesbian parents either without it making it a bone of contention. Presumably with two Dad's the surrogate gets voting rights

But MommaGee more and more women are keeping there name, hypenating or men taking their name.

OP already has a DD so I'm not sure changing the surname is great as you have siblings with different surnames but same parents. Could get messy. Also though OP had husband's name, if so then that child would be the only one with hers.

Momma well clearly but in my opinion its nice that's all - to have a recognition of the extra risk/ effort on her side. A perk in return if you like.

Seems more obvious to me than simply following a patriarchal tradition.

willyou it isn't about patriarchy. If op had a female family name and DH was a song well that tradition means nothing to me is say the same.

middle even more reasons why the "don't let him have a say in the name, he'll have his surname" argument is ridiculous I'm. It's important to one of you and meaningless to one of you. Important trumps meaningless is

Of course its about patriarchy .

And the surname argument is a very valid point. Its about fairness. Its important enough to the OP to post.

But doesn't hating the name count? And worrying your child would get bullied?

Although OP's name isn't like this, if DH said we have to give DD the name "Fanny" it's a family name, I'd have told him to do one. For my child's sake.

I think you have Hilary as 2nd middle name then it pleases everyone

You don't need to tell people and DS uses it if he likes but doesn't if he doesn't want

Tradition says it is middle name not 1st name like DH is trying to say you should do

(Btw I have 1 x male and 2 x female Hilary in my family, ALL in my generation from different bits/sides iyswim)

I agree with Willyou - of course it is about patriarchy. there are no threads on here by women saying that their mothers are insisting that their grandchildren are given names traditional in their mother's family - it doesn't happen.

I feel sad reading Shesaid's posts to be honest. Awful that this weight of a ridiculous naming tradition has marred her enjoyment of her child's name (although everyone else seems to have gotten over it - and why wouldn't they?)

This is about a name. Not the Hapsburg dynasty or the secret of the holy grail or even anything really significant. Just a name some person in the 1700s or 1800s or 70 years ago decided to give their child and that happened to be used after that. It doesn't confer any special powers. In fact It is a pain in the arse for historians and genealogists if one person in every generation has the same name. What on earth is the benefit of this "tradition" that should make someone sad about choosing a, presumably, lovely name for their brand-new baby. Awful.

You're continuing the tradition by giving your child your husband's surname, that should be enough and I don't think it's fair if you're having to contend with the potential for "upset" from your in-laws, how bloody childish.

You should suggest that seeing as he's so keen on paying homage to family that the child's first name should be your maiden name, making it maiden name Lindsey surname, I bet he wouldn't be as adamant about tradition then!

My boyfriend works with a fella called Lindsey (They are in their 30's) and the amount of "piss taking" they do of him is extreme, I also went to school with a boy whose middle name was Audrey and the other boys always mocked him about it, us girls weren't as cruel.

You very clearly don't want to give your child the name, so don't and don't be guilt tripped or forced into obeying!

I really don't get the whole "you're continuing tradition by giving your baby DHs surname" argument. I'd assume baby would have DHs surname if OP agreed to take his name upon marriage, which would be her choice and nothing to do with the current issue. It would be weird to give the baby a different surname if they all had DHs, and quite frankly, if that were a tradition OP was happy to follow I see no difference here. Many women are no longer taking DH surnames upon marriage, so if names actually meant something it wouldn't be unusual.

This is about OP not liking the name, regardless of the tradition attached, as she has said herself.

She may not like the name but if it means something to her DH I'd just have it as a middle name. I'm not sure about use of middle names down south, but unless I need to fill out a form requiring my full name the only time my own middle name is used is on my drivers license. No other communication uses it, school/dr/dentist/work. The same applies to my DS - he is registered with his middle name known but is only referred to as firstname surname.

Middle names aren't used in every day life and, unless baby told others his name, I can't see it being open to ridicule.

Both parents should get a say, but I'd be less likely to care about/veto a middle name with importance to my partner than a first.

I broke about 200 years of middle name tradition and..... no one cared. Cos she was my baby, not my parents.

A "tradition" which is only OP DH and FIL isn't a tradition - it is a father and son with the same middle name!
Completely different to having a clan name or something going back hundreds of years.
Middle name I could stomach just about but your OH is v selfish to give a child a first name which means they will be teased.

I would. Middle names are pointless and rarely used just not worth causing upset over. I would have sole choice of first name though

My nephew has Lyndsey as a middle name after his dad. He hates it and says he will get it changed before he gets married!