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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you honestly if you think my DD is badly behaved?

465 replies

tickettostruggling · 26/02/2017 08:24

DD is 3, and I used to think a lot of her behaviour was normal for this age. I still think it's normal but I wonder if DD is maybe at an extreme end and I wonder if its my parenting Sad I definitely don't want soft soaping here so please give it to me straight.

  • tantrums, I know, normal for this age group but they last such an unbelievably long time and are so forceful. She honestly screams as if she is being murdered. Anything and nothing sets them off, things like buttoning her cardigan the wrong way, putting a blue hair bow in and she wanted purple.
  • rudeness (this upsets me most) she is not a polite little girl. We were at a party the other day and she was given a "prize." She responded with a foot stamp and a loud "noooooooo NOOOOOOOOOOO I want THAT one." She couldn't have "that" one so she just kept screaming. It was a gift Sad She has done this before if anyone gives her anything, so embarrassing.
  • won't walk anywhere for long periods, she has to be carried and only by me, not DH or one of my friends. I've stood for an hour telling her to walk but she doesn't give up. It's definitely about being close to me not tiredness as alternatives like DH carrying her, standing on the buggy board, don't work.
  • sleep, she's always been a bad sleeper and it's not improving, she wakes several times in the night and again it is me she wants.

It sounds awful but it's putting a strain on our relationship as DH thinks (he doesn't say so explicitly but it's obvious) I have "caused" this and I think maybe I have as I was very into the whole gentle parenting thing when she was born. We were at the zoo the other day and DH suddenly walked away with other DC when she was whining and crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said "I wanted to smack her, and I felt awful for wanting to smack her, but I did." I knew what he meant. Obviously I don't want to smack her but I do feel like she's making us all and more importantly herself miserable right now.

Any advice? Sad

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 26/02/2017 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnneEyhtMeyer · 26/02/2017 10:50

I do want to be her friend. Obviously I'm a parent too but I definitely want to forge a relationship with mutual respect. It's just hard when I am the only one being respectful

The terribly sad thing about this statement is that you are actually being the furthest from a friend you could possibly be to your child.

A friend would not teach a person that misbehaviour is rewarded

A friend would not teach a person that upsetting others is acceptable

A friend would not allow another person to grow up to become someone who is excluded by others because their behaviour is unpleasant.

HopefullyAnonymous · 26/02/2017 10:51

Sorry if I missed it but what age are your other children? Is DD the only girl?

My niece is as you describe. I won't spend time with her/her Mum anymore unless absolutely necessary as I find the whole thing completely infuriating. SIL also wants to be "friends"; why this can only be achieved by having no punishments whatsoever is beyond me. DN always gets her own way, BIL can't do a thing with her and the sole tool in SIL's parenting arsenal seems to be saying "DN, that's not kind" in a meek voice. Which achieves fuck all!

I agree completely that in order to have the kind of relationship where you're kids confide in you, they have to respect you. Your DD does not and will not; she's playing you already! The fact that, although you've been honest, you're still not really acknowledging you're the likely cause of her bad behaviour is quite frustrating.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 26/02/2017 10:52

I don't think what your dh does of eye contact and firm voice is intimidating.

I get that you have older children but I would honestly give yourself a few weeks of no tolerance on this behaviour - that if she misbehaves when out, it's one warning and then home. Unfair on your other children of course but the current atmosphere doesn't sound enjoyable either, and if one child is allowed poor behaviour then that's not fair on them too.

I would also really not get hung up on the 'friend' aspect. If you parent her positively and kindly - which sounds as though you would naturally - then she will of course be your friend. Do you think your wish to be her friend is at the root of this? Being firm and being her friend is not mutually exclusive imo.

Out of interest, are your older dc boys? Is she the only girl? Just wondering where this 'friend' thing has come from - sorry if that's a shit question Blush

Original poster
tickettostruggling · 26/02/2017 10:53

Hopefully, don't be so rude, please, I have done nothing but acknowledge it and my entire thread is based around that premise Hmm so that "frustration" you feel is down to your own lack of reading skills, not my inability to see I am the problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
tickettostruggling · 26/02/2017 10:54

No, I have two girls and a boy; she is the middle child.

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 26/02/2017 10:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fadingmemory · 26/02/2017 10:55

I would have taken her straight home from the party without any prize. I know it would have upset the others but there will be so much more of that to come if you don't lay down rules for her and stick to them. They will soon realise they are penalised because of her. Make sure her father is also consistent. Deal with her together as much as possible. Having a family sit down first might help. Imagine leaving her be - fast forward to when she is 12, 14, 16. Invitations will just dry up. Not easy. Good luck

HopefullyAnonymous · 26/02/2017 10:56

I think even jokingly suggestion she was injected with awkwardness shows a reluctance to take responsibility. My comprehension is fine, thanks Smile

BarbarianMum · 26/02/2017 10:57

Consequences don't work for tantrums

Depends on the tantrum. If a child has been totally overwhelmed by their feelings and is melting down then nothing is going to stop that and they need to be somewhere safe and quiet to calm down and regain control.

If it's a tantrum that is being thrown to get what they want (the ones where they watch you from the corner of their eye to check your reaction) then being removed from the situation and spoken to firmly can be very effective.
Also, the consequence is sometimes not about the tantrum but about what led up to it instead. Child hits at soft play and is taken home because of it. They have a tantrum at the time because they don't want to leave but will still learn that hitting means going straight home.

smurfest · 26/02/2017 10:57

Haven't read the full thread, but I think when she kicks off about something like wanting a different prize you just need to be very calm and say, OK dd we are leaving now. And you say a quick goodbye to the hosts and you leave without any prize.

She will tantrum with this, obviously, but if you do that every time she behaves likes this she will learn that she can't get her own way.

therealpippi · 26/02/2017 10:58

I'd add that I doubt as well that you feeling that way about your parents and childhood is not because of simple discipline and some shouting even in and emotionally safe environment. It's what was around it that gives you this feelings. Not the odd telling off. Compare that with your family now and maybe, if it is a loving household which I am sure it is, you may see that dd has not that atmosphere around her.

I'd take a look at dh's role in it too and how you two interact with dd. Try to be a united front. Ask Dh for help and advise. And trust him.

Bitofacow · 26/02/2017 10:59

Hopefully wasn't rude she was honest. Perhaps that is your problem? You see straight forward 'this is how it is' comments as aggressive, and you are scared your daughter will see your discipline this way.

You are NOT her friend. If you are lucky in 20 years time you might be friendly with her, but you will always be her mum first. If she doesn't respect you, you might not even get that.

BarbarianMum · 26/02/2017 11:01

I wouldn't remove all 3 children from a party or a play centre because of one's behaviour if I could avoid it. Misbehaving child would be put in other room/pushchair or car whilst others continued playing (depending on the set up/whether other parents would help watch them - whatever's safe really).

TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork · 26/02/2017 11:03

DH does the whole looking into her eyes, speaking firmly. But it feels a bit intimidating? Maybe I need to be firmer. It's so hard as I think of her as a baby still and of course she isn't!

I think this is the root of your problem. She knows that you aren't going to be firm with her, she acts like she does only with you because she knows that she can. Small children are smart!

You need to be much much firmer with her, with strict consequences. Like the party bag, the very start of that messing around wanting something else...you hand the party bag back and say "now you don't get one" and leave. Same with the bow, you don't change the colour, you say no, no bow for you!
You need to stop waiting for her to respect you and instead instil that respect, with a little awe. You have to be in charge, that is your job. Parent first, friend a long way after.
Good luck.

Original poster
tickettostruggling · 26/02/2017 11:04

Hopefully, it was 100% a joke, responding to another poster who described a child identical to mine.

I made a similar joke about another poster being DDs long lost brother: do you think I partly meant that as well?

No, I'm sorry, it IS rude to be "frustrated" by a poster doing something that actually they are not. And in doing so the thread becomes about you and YOUR feelings and not my issue - so enough now, please. The thread has been helpful and I would prefer it to stay that way: if it "frustrates" you, go somewhere else Hmm

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 26/02/2017 11:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

therealpippi · 26/02/2017 11:06

I agree, I did not find hopefully's post rude at all. Just to the point.

In reading your post about everything triggering her my immediate though, the only trigger seems you.

I had missed the fact that there's a younger child.

oklumberjack · 26/02/2017 11:07

Ticket, I think you're being very receptive to people comments which refreshing for AIBU. It takes a lot to ask for ideas/help.

pregnantat50 · 26/02/2017 11:07

as it appears she is doing this for your attention why not remove yourself as a consequence of her bad behaviour, if she realises her tantrums etc end up with the complete opposite of her intention her turn around should be pretty quick

captgill · 26/02/2017 11:08

I'm wondering if you should give her a choice. For example - would you like the blue bow or the purple bow. Would you like to walk or go on the buggy board? It gives her a measure of control in some little things, of course both choices have to be things that work for you!
Another thought is that if she's behaving at nursery then it might be worth having a chat with them and finding out how they reinforce boundaries. You could then try the same things at home.
My daughter at this age was a nightmare but fab at nursery. I had an agreement with her keyworker that I would feedback to her in front of my daughter how her behaviour had been at home. We worked as a team with nursery and it really helped - my daughter wanted to be good for nursery staff.
It does get easier.

Original poster
tickettostruggling · 26/02/2017 11:09

I don't think it's exactly for my attention, pregnant - she can have 100% of my attention and still be screaming or whining.

OP posts:
OneLumpOrSeven · 26/02/2017 11:11

Doesn't supernanny always say you have to get down to their level and look at them when they misbehave, when you're taking to them?

HeteronormativeHaybales · 26/02/2017 11:12

Pick your battles. She chooses her own hair bow. Choices in small things help kids feel more in control - and they have precious little control over their lives at this age. At the party I would have said she couldn't have the other one because [brief explanation] and that if she didn't calm down and join in we'd have to go home because the noise/fuss was stopping other children enjoying the party. That's a clear consequence. Being told she's rude is too abstract at that age and in that state.

With the walk I'd have said I couldn't carry her all the way because it would make me too tired to do XYZ nice thing with/for her later and offered to carry her X number of steps (getting in a bit of counting practice too) then set her little goals to keep her going - let's walk as far as that tree/who can be first at the bend in the road?/can she find a lovely astick/daisy/pebble? Just telling her to walk for an hour turned the whole thing into a power struggle.

Original poster
tickettostruggling · 26/02/2017 11:12

Thanks, capt - I do try the choices (have read books which suggested that) but sometimes she can get upset as she can't choose or, more often, just repeat "noooo ... NOOOOO!" if both choices are unpalatable! For instance the other poster (who I sympathised with but do NOT think our children were injected with something awkward at birth!) and the moisturiser ... this really could have been DD.

"Do you want to walk or go on your buggy board?"
"Nooooooooo!"
"I can't carry you, DD! You're a big girl now with big strong legs! Show me how well you can walk!"
"Nooooooooo!"

and on ...

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