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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you honestly if you think my DD is badly behaved?

465 replies

tickettostruggling · 26/02/2017 08:24

DD is 3, and I used to think a lot of her behaviour was normal for this age. I still think it's normal but I wonder if DD is maybe at an extreme end and I wonder if its my parenting Sad I definitely don't want soft soaping here so please give it to me straight.

  • tantrums, I know, normal for this age group but they last such an unbelievably long time and are so forceful. She honestly screams as if she is being murdered. Anything and nothing sets them off, things like buttoning her cardigan the wrong way, putting a blue hair bow in and she wanted purple.
  • rudeness (this upsets me most) she is not a polite little girl. We were at a party the other day and she was given a "prize." She responded with a foot stamp and a loud "noooooooo NOOOOOOOOOOO I want THAT one." She couldn't have "that" one so she just kept screaming. It was a gift Sad She has done this before if anyone gives her anything, so embarrassing.
  • won't walk anywhere for long periods, she has to be carried and only by me, not DH or one of my friends. I've stood for an hour telling her to walk but she doesn't give up. It's definitely about being close to me not tiredness as alternatives like DH carrying her, standing on the buggy board, don't work.
  • sleep, she's always been a bad sleeper and it's not improving, she wakes several times in the night and again it is me she wants.

It sounds awful but it's putting a strain on our relationship as DH thinks (he doesn't say so explicitly but it's obvious) I have "caused" this and I think maybe I have as I was very into the whole gentle parenting thing when she was born. We were at the zoo the other day and DH suddenly walked away with other DC when she was whining and crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said "I wanted to smack her, and I felt awful for wanting to smack her, but I did." I knew what he meant. Obviously I don't want to smack her but I do feel like she's making us all and more importantly herself miserable right now.

Any advice? Sad

OP posts:
Pinbasket · 26/02/2017 11:33

DH does the whole looking into her eyes, speaking firmly. But it feels a bit intimidating? Maybe I need to be firmer. It's so hard as I think of her as a baby still and of course she isn't!
Herein lies the problem I suspect.
This is good parenting! It's definitely not 'intimidating', it's being the adult and taking control of a young child when it is needed.
Your DD (and you and the rest of the family) will be so much happier when she is not allowed to be out of control.
It sounds rather basic, but you and DH have to think of yourselves as the top dogs in the pack- you're the adults and you set the rules and expectations about behaviour etc.

TempusEedjit · 26/02/2017 11:33

Think back to the teachers you had at school. I'm sure there was the usual mix of the super strict ones where you couldn't talk in class and everyone hated them, then you got the really wishy-washy teachers whose classes would descend into chaos which was equally unpleasant. The teachers who had the respect were the ones who would engage with you but would also clearly set out what they expected from you. Funnily enough they were the teachers who were most popular with the students. Lack of firm boundaries will simply make your daughter view you with contempt as she grows up rather than liking or respecting you.

PussCatTheGoldfish · 26/02/2017 11:34

I'll just add that she is (still) strong willed and determined. I'm sure it will serve her well later in life but it's hard to parent!

(Sort of) fortunately lots of my friends second borns are similarly strong willed, so we all had a bit of moral support.

Huskylover1 · 26/02/2017 11:35

Haven't RTFT, but "gentle parenting" is a ridiculous notion. And there's nothing wrong with a smacked bottom when she's being hideous. Every time I go to the supermarket, there seems to be a child having a tantrum...and guess what, the parents do nothing. Does my head in! I hope you gave her a good telling off at the party, because that is outrageous!

GetAHaircutCarl · 26/02/2017 11:35

OP you will be a much more successful protector/defender/cheerleader to your DC if you do it with a discerning eye.

My DC are now almost adults and they know that I have their back but they also know they can rely on me for an honest asseessment of their actions. It's always been this way.

EyeStye · 26/02/2017 11:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 26/02/2017 11:37

Being on her side entails doing what's best for her as a parent and imposing boundaries, not giving her all the power to rule the roost because you afraid that parenting effectively will damage her ego.

OneLumpOrSeven · 26/02/2017 11:37

And there's nothing wrong with a smacked bottom when she's being hideous

There really is.

honeylulu · 26/02/2017 11:38

Don't worry about "being her friend". Just focus in showing her you are being a loving parent (which you clearly are.) You can be friends when she is an adult - this is more likely to happen if you are firm with her now. She really needs those boundaries. You can still make sure she knows she can tell you anything.
My husband was the "soft" parent with our eldest who became, regrettably, a bit of a brat especially when his dad was around. Like you, I suspected people started to avoid us because of his behaviour. My husband did start being firmer with boundaries when he realised our son had zero respect for him and things got much better. We now have a younger child and we both try to take a firm but loving approach. I'm not saying we're perfect, far from it. (Might also be worth saying our eldest is new being assessed for high functioning ASD and ADHD which may explain partly why he was such a challenging child - he's now secondary age and is still prone to being "explosive" but less of a "brat" iyswim).
The true meaning of "spoiling" a child is never more apparent than in these sort of situations. If the parents don't teach the child how to behave and what the boundaries are, the child will be set up for difficulties with friendships, education, employment etc for the rest of their life because they can't cope with not being pandered to. Hence, it "spoils" their life.

Good luck OP. Parenting is not easy!

Original poster
tickettostruggling · 26/02/2017 11:40

I'm not setting out to do that, pitsch but just the same I feel sometimes that a child can be a bit "ganged up on" by adults in the guise of consistency.

OP posts:
pictish · 26/02/2017 11:40

There is never any need to smack a child in my experience (3 kids). Smacking happens when parents lose their temper and lash out. It is not an effective parenting technique to subscribe to. It simply teaches children that it's ok to hit when you're angry.

MiddleClassProblem · 26/02/2017 11:42

Also how old is your youngest?

It really does sound like attention is what she's after but you said she can get it all the time but she can't if you also have a little one who is with you all the time if you're sahp.

Maybe this dynamic in addition has made her feel like she's sharing you when before she was all yours as older sibling was at nursery/school more iyswim

Original poster
tickettostruggling · 26/02/2017 11:44

Youngest is 18 months :)

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 26/02/2017 11:45

Also the parents ganging up thing was your experience because your parents didn't listen to you. You can be firm and listen. They aren't mutually exclusive but you just associate them together because of your experience of it.

GetAHaircutCarl · 26/02/2017 11:46

Obviously no parent should side with an abusive co parent.

And sometimes one parent needs to point it out if they think the other has got it wrong; but this is better off done in private.

Indeed, isn't that what your DH is doing OP? He's trying to say you're getting it wrong, that he dislikes the result.

MiddleClassProblem · 26/02/2017 11:49

So 18 months chances are the last 6 months they have been getting more and more active, maybe a word or two, becoming a toddler rather than a baby.

It could be a factor along with the other bits.

Astro55 · 26/02/2017 11:50

You say mummy 'can't' carry you - when a child says can't we encourage them that they can - so change this - Mummy won't carry you.

When older there are more natural consequences - for example if she hits a friend - that friend won't play - if she plays up at a friends - that friend won't invite her anymore -

Unless you step up and teach her the right way - she'll find the natural consequences much worse and harder to negotiate

The hanging up - again you should see the teens in action at school if one dares call another 'fat or stupid' they get shot down (goodnon them for not accepting crap behavior)

Do you want this for your DD?

Crumbs1 · 26/02/2017 11:50

You do need clear boundaries and to be a parent not a friend but....the child is three. Build on the good bits too. Recognise when she does well.
My eldest was a bit of a nightmare when her brother appeared - quite funny in retrospect- we found tooth marks on his forehead ("It was panda!"), she'd use one finger to gradually nudge the car seat towards the edge of the kitchen table. At five her last tantrum was to hurl a plate of shepherds pie across the table to break it on the fridge with a slow trickle of potatoes and mince sliding down through the silence as she realised what she'd done. I was cross but nearly lost it when she simply announced "See I told you I don't eat meat". She went to bed hungry after clearing up the mess. She rarely ate meat except sausage or burger since and went fully vegetarian at 10. My point is she could be a nightmare but hasn't grown into a feckless psychopath- she's a doctor working very hard and an absolute charmer with a great wit and strong sense of justice. They grow up despite us sometimes and what seems important at 3 is rarely so a bit further down the line. If she's bright and sociable build on that whilst not permitting her to rule the roost. Sounds like her father needs to be brought alongside too.

pictish · 26/02/2017 11:50

She is too young to make reliably sensible choices and that's the crux of it. Your role is to make them for her using your wisdom, knowledge and experience as an adult, then to uphold your decisions, whether she agrees with them or not.
Her behaviour over the prize at the party is a perfect example. Because of the power she is given and the lack of discipline she 'enjoys' at home, she thought it was perfectly ok to be ungracious and ill-mannered about her preferences...she is used to getting her own way and expects that's what will happen wherever she goes. You are doing her no favours socially, emotionally or otherwise by holding back on your authority as a parent. You know best.

therealpippi · 26/02/2017 11:50

I agree ticket. I have a temper and when my xh used to take my side, because it's done, foe consistency, to be supportive, I often felt awful after as I was overreacting (out of tiredeness lack of skills etc) and dc needed a different appeoach. Ideally I wished that xh could have been more present for a start, assess situation, told me to go and have a break and remove me from said situationand then deal with dc his way.

Parents that parent together are parents that help eachother help the children. Not parents that help eachother fullstop.

CatsBatsEars · 26/02/2017 11:52

Middle children can be tricky, I was one and definitely the worst behaved Grin

Pavlovian · 26/02/2017 11:52

All parents who gentle parent that I know very much put boundaries in place. I think sometimes there is a misunderstanding that gentle parenting means no consequences or boundaries. Not true from what I've seen.

Original poster
tickettostruggling · 26/02/2017 11:54

Astro, I don't know who's child you're describing but it's not my little girl. She has loads of friends. She would NEVER call another child (including her sister!) an unkind name.

I don't mind helpful and insightful suggestions but it's so upsetting when people decide what you have said is actually wrong and that actually your child is violent/spiteful/unkind. She's not.

OP posts:
Astro55 · 26/02/2017 11:55

Last year we went to a dragon hunt in the woods - the children could hear the dragon (via a speaker) the mum asked if they could turn it off as it frightened her daughter (age 6)

She also insisted that my daughter and her swap shoes because her were prettier!

You could see mum almost having her own meltdown when I said No -

And no we haven't been out with her since -

Astro55 · 26/02/2017 11:57

You need to see further into the future - she hits you without consequence - she climbs up you without consequence - how long before she does it to others?

You are in denial ....