To not let DD go to this party?

[welliesandsequins]

Dd(14) has been invited to go to a party next weekend. It's her friend's boyfriend's friend's party. She is not at the same school as the boyfriend or his friend. She is at the same school as her friend but I have never met her or her parents.
She has been invited with three other friends, all of whom I know.
I happen to know some other children going to the party as the school is local. But their parents don't know the hosting parents either.

I have several issues. Firstly I don't know the hosting parents. I would be surprised if they are aware that my dd or her friends are coming. Not only is that unfair on them, but I wonder how many others will just turn up. (Party is not at their house).
There will probably be alcohol there. I don't feel that is safe when I don't know who will be there, who is keeping an eye on them, and no one will know who dd is/I am if there's a problem.

AIBU not letting her go? I have said I would need to speak to hosting parents but realistically o don't know how she will get a contact for them.

Secondary to that there are logistical issues as dd wants all her friends to stay with us after the party. But those can be worked out. It's the party itself I am worried about.

Tricky one. My dd is 14 and not yet into parties so I'm spared this for a while. Not looking forward to the first one though! As long as you are picking them up it should be fine.

Also in response to another part of this convo. I am probably over protective with too many rules I'm trying to balance that. Mainly because I had a friend at school who was on a very tight leash, as soon as it got relaxed at 18 she went crazy. We went on holiday together and she slept with different bloke every night, drank like a fish , never made it to beach because of waking up in some guys bed. Her mum queried how I returned with an amazing tan and she didn't. No idea what she told her. I'll never forget that. I think I saw her twice in the whole week holiday!

So I'm strict but hopefully not too strict! God parenting is difficult!

Fourteen in a tricky age. You sound very reasonable but also as if you have an awful lot to do. As a PP said, I'd wonder if the parents of the friends who would be sleeping over at your house are aware of the party. My own DD was at an all girls' school and the whole mixed party issue didn't really appear until the upper sixth; it was all sleepovers until then. At that staggering, there did seem to be very casual open invitations issued though, and I generally didn't know anything about the friends or the parents but had complete trust in DD and she was, and is, very good at communicating what she's doing.

I'd let her go, if you can fit it into your already busy schedule (can't another parent do the drop off?) and set an early pick up time.

Staggering?! Stage!

Bigears, on our sixth year holiday, at 17/18, I had the exact same experience. My friend who had a 'structured social life' by her parents and wasn't allowed out with us in the evenings. Slept with loads of guys, actually had a foursome one night with three guys, took ecstasy, stripped naked at the hotel pool. She was absolutely mortifying. Never hung around with her after that holiday again.

Thank you for all the replies. I am afraid I am going to leave the thread now because it has become a playground argument. I think it's fine for us all to have different parenting styles. And I am sure I dcs will all grow up tin be fairly well adjusted people, despite our best efforts.
Yes the thought of me trying to stop my dad doing anything! But not keen on the image of him at some sort of swingers party so thanks for that!
With regards to dd's party. Yes would totally understand boy and girls group. But they are both at mixed schools. A girl is having the party. She has invited a boy she knows. He has invited his girlfriend and some of her friends (inc my dd) who the host doesn't know. And I don't know if she is even aware he has invited them. So totally different scenario. For what it is worth I am actually pretty open and relaxed about dd growing up, and we have a great relationship. She often comments that she is so half she has me rather than some of the other parents. But the combination of potential gate crashing and the logistics mean that this time I have said no. Having thought about everyone's points of view on here.
I have discussed with her this evening and she rolled her eyes, inevitably, but is understanding of my reasoning. Thank you for you help everyone

The complete hijack of this thread was really rude.

hm I wonder if it's fallen to you because the other parents have already said no.

If they are not invited then I wouldn't want to be complicit in them gatecrashing. Your OP mentions them being invited a couple of times though.

Have a dd in same school yr. nope wouldn't let her go if she doesn't know the host. Don't trust sudden reassuring text or email from"host" parents.... they fake them! Although the back to your house after is a pain, it is good that you will see the state of them and that your dd isn't planning on going large!

Could you speak to the parents of the host before hand? Maybe this might help

Talk to your dd. Have a chat about sensible behaviour and making good choices. I think you need to trust her. The more you trust her, the less likely she is to break that trust. Drop her off and pick her up. I gatecrashed a few parties as friend of a friend. It's no big deal as the partygiver is friends with her bf ?

If you read this wellies Please remember that you are the DD's parent, not her friend. Have this conversation when she's older, not 14. There's plenty of time ahead for adult behaviour. You obviously have misgivings so tell her NO. It's not even a discussion that would happen in this house with our 14yr old lad with so much non information and what ifs available. I work for social services, they would crucify me if I allowed this to happen.

It doesn't sound like gate crashing to me, "can i bring my girlfriend and some of her mates to your party?" Sounds like totally mundane teenage behaviour.
Especially if they're girls. (Can I bring girls to your party?)

It looks like all parents are very trusting... 14 y/o though.. I think it's a bit too young and I would be skeptical too. I guess it depends on your child though, some of them can be trusted but with some if you don't know what they might be up to then I'd think twice about it.
14 is still young for that in my eyes and I might be a harsh mum (my little one is only a toddler) but I think i'll be a strict one and would defo need to know all the details before I let my little angel go anywhere especially at that young age.. (they are our responsibility, how can I be ok with it if something had happened on the party I let them go to without asking all the right questions!!)

I don't understand the problem with trusting your teenager though? I trust mine. I trust her in lots of ways with lots of things. Maybe part of the problem people are having with their teens is down to holding them on a very tight leash and not allowing them the opportunity to do age related stuff. Unless your (general your, not aimed) child gives you any reason not to trust them, why does the default setting seem to be not to trust them