Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DD go to this party?

164 replies

welliesandsequins · 25/02/2017 17:54

Dd(14) has been invited to go to a party next weekend. It's her friend's boyfriend's friend's party. She is not at the same school as the boyfriend or his friend. She is at the same school as her friend but I have never met her or her parents.
She has been invited with three other friends, all of whom I know.
I happen to know some other children going to the party as the school is local. But their parents don't know the hosting parents either.

I have several issues. Firstly I don't know the hosting parents. I would be surprised if they are aware that my dd or her friends are coming. Not only is that unfair on them, but I wonder how many others will just turn up. (Party is not at their house).
There will probably be alcohol there. I don't feel that is safe when I don't know who will be there, who is keeping an eye on them, and no one will know who dd is/I am if there's a problem.

AIBU not letting her go? I have said I would need to speak to hosting parents but realistically o don't know how she will get a contact for them.

Secondary to that there are logistical issues as dd wants all her friends to stay with us after the party. But those can be worked out. It's the party itself I am worried about.

OP posts:
Leggit · 26/02/2017 10:34

How do they rein them back in when they reach GCSE year? I never had to, both of mine who have done the equivalent year (Scottish) have been able to sensibly manage their own time by that point.

Mumzypopz · 26/02/2017 10:42

So let's see.....14 ,year olds at a skate park at night.....skateboarding, bmxing, on scooters....Yeah right....What planet are you living on. It will be smoking, (not just cigarettes), drinking, other things....

Mumzypopz · 26/02/2017 10:49

Cardiback.....Please explain what you mean by well good for you. Something wrong with me saying I'm surprised what goes on in other people's houses? I'm talking about things like letting their kids watch sex on YouTube, and giving them beer at age 11 .

Sadik · 26/02/2017 11:16

I often walk past our local skate park of an evening, and I have to say the teenagers there do as far as I can see appear to be . . . skateboarding

However OP given how inconvenient it would be to you to take / fetch I think you'd be totally reasonable to say no on those grounds.

cardibach · 26/02/2017 11:17

Mumzypopz not at all. Something wrong, though, with your smugness about your 'standards'. Do you really think that having different rules makes you a better person with better morals? Because that's how it sounds.

Mumzypopz · 26/02/2017 11:48

Well yes Cardibach.....I do think that by having standards and better rules for 14 year olds does make me a better person....I'm not going to argue with that at all?

Leggit · 26/02/2017 11:50

What planet are you living on. Hmm

Same one as everyone else. But I am aware of what teens do and I am able to inform and educate mine whilst offering them a little trust in order that they can develop into independent functioning adults. I am aware that teens are exposed to various things, but at the same time I am also aware that they dont all partake.

Your 'yeah right' comment gets me though, like I said, we live in a small town, the skatepark is down by the beach, park and leisure centre. People who know the kids, myself included, often walk or cycle past the area. The kids are generally boarding Hmm

IamFriedSpam · 26/02/2017 11:51

I would let her go but pick her up and drop her off myself. Teenage parties don't tend to have a guest list as such, host just keeps an eye on numbers. I wouldn't be happy if host's parents didn't know he was having a party at all but if they know and it's going to be a typical "house party" I imagine they realise there won't be a rigid guest list.

Leggit · 26/02/2017 11:54

i do think that by having standards and better rules for 14 year olds does make me a better person. you need to get the duck off your horse love. You are no better than anyone else. Acting superior because you parent differently doesn't make you a better person, in fact arguably it makes you slightly worse than anyone here who is presenting with their facts and nothing more.

My teens at 14 were allowed out in the evening. Big fucking deal. Now get yourself a massive grip and stop acting like you are above the rest of us

IamFriedSpam · 26/02/2017 11:54

Mumzypopz Bloody hell - lots of kids do genuinely skate at the skate park. Just because some smoke there doesn't mean it's the majority. (Our local skatepark is in the open and I regularly see teenagers there - and they're invariably skating). If you're going to prevent your teenager from going anywhere other kids might be doing something wrong; skatepark, shopping mall (some kids shop lift), party, etc etc they'll have a very long boring adolescence. You can have limits and be realistic without being completely overboard.

Mumzypopz · 26/02/2017 12:05

I genuinely don't want this to come across as argumentative, I really don't. Your kids, your choice sort of thing. I'm all for educating them and giving them a bit if trust, it's just I know what can go wrong and don't wouldnt want to put a vulnerable child (which is what a 14 year old is) in a situation where they feel compelled to join in. I live in a very small friendly town too where adults keep an eye out for kids etc, I have a good relationship with my DD, and she tells me everything...And I also know that people go to sell drugs at the back of the high school etc and what goes on at these late night meet ups outside of chippys and at skateparks....Hence me not allowing her to go....And she doesn't want to go anyway. The other day we saw a group of her year, boys and girls walking through the housing estate, all of them were kids I know to come from good families. My DD told me they were going for a "sesh". (Ie smoking pot). Doesn't look so innocent now does it.....Or maybe I'm just too much if a worrier.

Mumzypopz · 26/02/2017 12:13

Iamfriedspam....since when did not allowing your 14 year old child to go out most nights to skateparks in the dark, all hours equate to them having a long boring adolescence? I didn't do that, and I was far from bored. And who said anything about not allowing them to go to shopping malls?

Mumzypopz · 26/02/2017 12:16

And in any case, she has never had any desire to go to a skatepark, she doesn't skateboard, never has done and has never had any inclination to do so. She has other activities most nights, where she meets other kids her age. You can easily keep them entertained and safe at the same time.

Mumzypopz · 26/02/2017 12:25

Leggitt, you really don't sound very nice. Have you actually read what you put? A few people on here have had raised eyebrows about letting 14 year olds out late at night,even the OP. If asked the question do I think I'm a better person by having a few rules, of course I am going to answer yes, who wouldn't. I don't really give two hoots what you allowed your DD to do, I can only tell you what I allow mine to do. I'm not above "the rest of us" as you put it...I suspect there are a lot of people who don't want their 14 year olds wandering around at night.

Leggit · 26/02/2017 12:39

leggitt, you really don't sound very nice. That's rich coming from you. Your judgemental tone was well deserving of my reply. Regardless of who does what. Like I said everyone has an opinion, you just seem to think you are better than anyone else for having yours. I don't do that shit. I will respect different parenting styles and I will happily debate all day long, but come alone abruptly thinking you are better than everyone else? Yeah, fuck that.

Leggit · 26/02/2017 12:41

You can easily keep them entertained and safe at the same time equally you can allow them to go out with their friends and teach them how to be safe. Being safe isn't all about being restricted. In fact quite the opposite, teaching our children to be safe is imperative.

pinkish · 26/02/2017 12:47

I'd say no to gatecrashing a party, especially one in the middle of nowhere.

Mumzypopz · 26/02/2017 13:36

Leggitt..Teaching children to be safe is imperative, but I wouldn't say it's necessary to allow them to do this at age 14. Sorry if that upsets you, but that's my opinion. Everybody has different rules, just because they aren't the same as yours doesn't mean they are wrong. It is hard deciding what to allow your children to do as they get close to being adults....For me letting them out every night at 14 isn't the way to go. Totally get that you disagree though. I think you can try and teach children to be safe untill the cows come home, but the risk is that there are other people out there trying to encourage them not to be safe. It's a bit like driving, you can be a good driver as much as you can, but that doesn't mean there aren't risks and other factors that can make it unsafe, like drink drivers, people on mobile phones etc. Having a few more rules doesn't make me a bad person.

Leggit · 26/02/2017 13:42

Having a few more rules doesn't make me a bad person. but you don't have more rules, you have different rules. Nobody ever suggested it made you a bad person, in fact it was you yourself that said you were a better person because you 'have standards and better rules'. Do you see? It was the superior attitude that pissed me right off, not the difference in parenting.

Mumzypopz · 26/02/2017 13:46

I was asked the question do I think that by having more rules does that make me a better person....No one is going to argue with that are they ...

Mumzypopz · 26/02/2017 13:48

Correction..Just checked I was asked do I think that by having better rules that makes me a better person. The answer anyone would give is yes.

Mumzypopz · 26/02/2017 13:49

So it was someone else who actually said my rules are better...Not me....I just agreed

Leggit · 26/02/2017 13:59

i do think that by having standards and better rules for 14 year olds does make me a better person..

You said this ^ Confused

Mumzypopz · 26/02/2017 14:00

Err that's the same thing?!

Mumzypopz · 26/02/2017 14:00

Having better rules makes me a better person!!!