Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DD go to this party?

164 replies

welliesandsequins · 25/02/2017 17:54

Dd(14) has been invited to go to a party next weekend. It's her friend's boyfriend's friend's party. She is not at the same school as the boyfriend or his friend. She is at the same school as her friend but I have never met her or her parents.
She has been invited with three other friends, all of whom I know.
I happen to know some other children going to the party as the school is local. But their parents don't know the hosting parents either.

I have several issues. Firstly I don't know the hosting parents. I would be surprised if they are aware that my dd or her friends are coming. Not only is that unfair on them, but I wonder how many others will just turn up. (Party is not at their house).
There will probably be alcohol there. I don't feel that is safe when I don't know who will be there, who is keeping an eye on them, and no one will know who dd is/I am if there's a problem.

AIBU not letting her go? I have said I would need to speak to hosting parents but realistically o don't know how she will get a contact for them.

Secondary to that there are logistical issues as dd wants all her friends to stay with us after the party. But those can be worked out. It's the party itself I am worried about.

OP posts:
Mumzypopz · 26/02/2017 14:01

Do you not see that I said that to someone s question further above?

Mumzypopz · 26/02/2017 14:01

Where they asked me?

Mumzypopz · 26/02/2017 14:03

I'm not going to apologise for having rules for my 14 year old, doubt anyone would?!

Mumzypopz · 26/02/2017 14:04

Anyway, off out now to take my DD to one of her activities where she has a whale of a time, and she will be too tired to go out to any skateparks later.....cheerio

Leggit · 26/02/2017 14:07

I'm not going to apologise for having rules for my 14 year old, doubt anyone would?! oh fuck sake. Nobody asked you to apologise. Nobody said you should not have rules.

I (and others) had a bit of an issue with your holier than thou attitude. If you still don't get it then please go back and read your posts again and perhaps you will manage to pick up on it; it's fucking shining through.

Meanwhile I will be banging my head against this brick wall....

Magzmarsh · 26/02/2017 14:41

Mumzypopz you don't have "better" rules than anyone, you just do what you do and others do what they do, I think you are being very disingenuous if you don't get why you've come across as condescending and sanctimonious.

I believe that dc shouldn't be wrapped up in cotton wool and denied experiences growing up in their early teens because there's a chance "something might happen to them". With open communication and clear boundaries, there's nothing to stop 14 year olds attending parties, going to skateparks etc. with their friends. You sound very controlling.

I don't know how some parents are going to cope when their dc hit 18 and they can't forbid them from going out without their permission anymore.

Mumzypopz · 26/02/2017 16:28

Magzmarsh...Going out at 18 is a whole different ballpark than going out at 14. I wouldn't have a problem with her going out at 18. By then she will be wiser, older and more likely to be able to make her own decisions rather than potentially being talked into things as a vulnerable 14 year old might. Just because I don't let a 14 year old out every night doesn't mean the rules won't be different for an 18 year old. I think it's very sensible having rules for 14 year olds. I don't want mine out at night. End if. Clearly some people do, that's up to them. I'd much rather be in my position than end up with a teenager on drugs. And before you jump on your high horses saying I'm being sanctimonious I'm not, I'm being safe and sensible. My child, my choice. Leggitt, please don't swear, it's uncalled for. I have not sworn at you, please don't swear at me.

Mumzypopz · 26/02/2017 16:30

And Leggitt..Myou carry on banging your head against a brick wall all you like, you are rude. Go and bully someone else. Others on here, including the OP have the same view as me in that they too were surprised at 14 year olds going out at night. Go and pick on them.

Mumzypopz · 26/02/2017 16:35

And anyway magzmarsh, I didn't say I had better rules than anyone else. Read the thread. Someone said to me do you think you are a better person if you have better rules, and I said yes. Not the same as saying I have better rules than leggitt, or anyone else. I didn't say that at all. I said I wouldn't want my 14 year old out every night, that's my choice. Leggitt can do what she likes with hers. At no point did I say I was a better person than anyone.

Shockers · 26/02/2017 16:47

DS (16) went to a party last weekend, and had two friends staying afterwards because they live half an hour away. I initially said no because I felt sure that at least one of them would get drunk, but DS was adamant that these two were very sensible chaps who wouldn't.

I let DS clean up the resulting sick as a lesson in 'Mum is generally right about these things.' Grin

No real harm done and DS has seen first hand that alcohol can make people a bit dafter than usual.

I wouldn't have been happy about him going to a party where there was alcohol at 14 though.

Howlongtillbedtime · 26/02/2017 16:51

I do think mumzypopz is having a hard time here . We all have different rules for our different children and different circumstances. I happen to agree about the fact that I wouldn't be happy about my 14yr old being out and about in the skate park in the evening or hanging around the streets but that doesn't mean I am judging others for doing it .
I have been lucky in that it isn't a row we have here (yet) because he is happy with what he is doing and doesn't want to be out in the evening .
I also recognise that I was given too much freedom at a similar age and saw things and did things that my parents would have really been unhappy about and that also probably clouds my choices.

Leggit · 26/02/2017 17:44

Go and bully someone else. you can fuck right off with that accusation Shock

Magzmarsh · 26/02/2017 17:47

But how does mumzypops think her dc are going to learn to judge what's safe and what isn't if they're never allowed to make any decisions in the run up to their 18th birthday?

And don't bore me with semantics please, you're not a "better" parent, person or anything else for your rules and boundaries, end OF 😑

ymmv · 26/02/2017 17:57

It seems totally normal to me that boy friendship group would want girl friendship group to come to the party if two are a couple. Hardly gatecrashing.

Mumzypopz · 26/02/2017 18:12

Magzmarsh you seem to read a lot into what people say. No-one, especially not me, said she will not be able to make decisions until she is 18. I have said I would not like her to be out late at night wandering around skate parks at 14. How does that translate as she isn't allowed to make decisions until she is 18? You make a lot of assumptions. My daughter makes lots of decisions thanks very much.

Mumzypopz · 26/02/2017 18:12

Leggitt...There you go, swearing again.....

Leggit · 26/02/2017 18:16

You are allowed to swear on here?

Mumzypopz · 26/02/2017 18:17

And my DS has a massive friendship group, they all do lots of activities together and don't feel hard done to at all. None of them go to skateparks late at night, or anywhere else late at night. That does not mean I'm judging anyone else.

Mumzypopz · 26/02/2017 18:17

Leggitt....It's not nice though really is it. Doesn't show you in a good light

Mumzypopz · 26/02/2017 18:18

You don't win arguments by swearing.

Leggit · 26/02/2017 18:21
  1. I was not arguing
  2. I have no desire to 'win' anything
Magzmarsh · 26/02/2017 18:21

I don't read anything that isn't there.
😎

Magzmarsh · 26/02/2017 18:29

Oh and at 14.00 you posted
Having better rules makes me a better person!!!
You can't even read your own posts so I don't think you're terribly qualified to judge my post reading abilities 😏

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 26/02/2017 18:32

When you said dad in the title my first assumption was your dad was attending a keys in the bowl and a hot tub out the back party. But that probably says more about me than you. Or your dad.

Mumzypopz · 26/02/2017 18:37

Magzmarsh...I have not denied saying that....I have however denied saying that my daughter can't make any decisions up to age 18....You made that bit up entirely.