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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DD go to this party?

164 replies

welliesandsequins · 25/02/2017 17:54

Dd(14) has been invited to go to a party next weekend. It's her friend's boyfriend's friend's party. She is not at the same school as the boyfriend or his friend. She is at the same school as her friend but I have never met her or her parents.
She has been invited with three other friends, all of whom I know.
I happen to know some other children going to the party as the school is local. But their parents don't know the hosting parents either.

I have several issues. Firstly I don't know the hosting parents. I would be surprised if they are aware that my dd or her friends are coming. Not only is that unfair on them, but I wonder how many others will just turn up. (Party is not at their house).
There will probably be alcohol there. I don't feel that is safe when I don't know who will be there, who is keeping an eye on them, and no one will know who dd is/I am if there's a problem.

AIBU not letting her go? I have said I would need to speak to hosting parents but realistically o don't know how she will get a contact for them.

Secondary to that there are logistical issues as dd wants all her friends to stay with us after the party. But those can be worked out. It's the party itself I am worried about.

OP posts:
bigearsthethird · 26/02/2017 01:52

The text thing is a great idea, thanks for that!

My eldest is 14 so not yet going out drinking or partied etc but when she does I shall tell her that if she's ever in a situation where she's been drinking and realised she's had too much it is with someone who is her driver that's been drinking to call me anytime of the day/night and I will come and collect her along with her friends and bring them home. No questions, no lectures. I would hope she will stay sensible but just in case she ever finds herself out of her depth I don't want her not to call for fear of a bollocking

Desperina · 26/02/2017 07:49

I got fingered for the first time in a similar scenario Shock no harm done though?

CitySnicker · 26/02/2017 08:29

If her friend are all coming back to yours, do their parents know about the party and the drinking? Are you the cool parent who will facilitate them getting away with this? Just beware 'legal' highs and weed is also pretty common at parties involving that age group round these parts.

Leggit · 26/02/2017 08:37

I find the X plan quite bizarre. Surely a teenager could just text that they wanted home? Such a complicated method which is actually teaching them not to communicate Confused

OP I would let her go

Mumzypopz · 26/02/2017 08:57

At 14 she could just say bye off out see you later.....No way would my DD be allowed to do that.

Leggit · 26/02/2017 09:03

No way would my DD be allowed to do that. does your 14yo not go out with her friends? When mine was 14 she was out most evenings, so I can totally see what the poster meant when she said the DD could just go and not tell.

Magzmarsh · 26/02/2017 09:09

The x plan isn't bizarre at all. Sometimes if your dc is feeling pressured or vulnerable and possibly intimidated by the company they're in they would be worried if someone grabbed their phone off them and saw a text saying "I'm scared here, come and get me".

My dd once phoned me from a "friends" house because she was being pressured to smoke (she was only 10 at the time). The girls were being very unpleasant to her so she phoned and said in a cheery voice "are we having lasagne for tea mum?" and I knew right away to tell her to say she needed to come home immediately.

Mumzypopz · 26/02/2017 09:15

Leggitt......No way, not at night wondering round going god knows where.. she very rarely goes out at night, and if she did I would know exactly where she was....It wouldn't be a case of her knocking on friends doors...

Howlongtillbedtime · 26/02/2017 09:16

Do the other parents know that they are going to the party before sleeping over at yours ? That but sounds very suspicious to me .

I would want to speak to the parents who are holding the party so they were ok with the extras tagging along and I would be texting the other girls parents to make sure they knew the whole story about the evening.

Original poster
welliesandsequins · 26/02/2017 09:33

Sorry, re reading my op it's not clear. But dd only knows her friend. Not the boyfriend, or his friend whose party it is. So I don't see how she has been invited.
Yes I was going to ring the other parents today to make sure they knew it was a party, and that I didn't know parents etc.
I will be speaking to dd and saying that as I don't think she is invited she can only go if I have spoken to hosting parents to make sure they are aware. I think that's fair. A friend had a similar party for her dd and there were lots of people there she didn't know/hadn't been invited and it was a night mare. I don't want dd to be in that scenario.
She is at school a few miles away, and is very busy, so so far she hasn't asked to do things I am not happy with. Although she goes to her fair share of parties and sleepovers, some of which I don't know the parents or children, but have always known that she is invited! And don't have an issue with that at all.
I am surprised that there seem to be posters that are happy for there 14 year olds to be off and they don't know where they are. Confused

OP posts:
Fingalswave · 26/02/2017 09:34

I think I must be very old fashioned but there's no way I would be allowing my 14 yr old to go to a party where I knew there would be alcohol and where I didn't know the hosts or parents. Sometimes you just have to say "no" and trust your instincts if you don't feel safe about a situation. Especially if it's not friends of friends, but friends of friends of friends (if I have that right).

You sound really busy too op, I think in your shoes I'd invite your dd's friends to sleep over without going going to the party. If it's miles away and they are not prepared to try and get their under their own steam it's tough luck anyway! Iand you have loads of other stuff on. I know that means you then have two sleepovers in one weekend (shudder) but that's the better compromise imo.

Original poster
welliesandsequins · 26/02/2017 09:34

*their 14 year olds Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
welliesandsequins · 26/02/2017 09:35

I think that's a good idea fingal. Thank you.

OP posts:
HelenaGWells · 26/02/2017 09:37

It would be a no from me. These are my reasons:

A middle of nowhere none house party has lots of danger potential, especially if there are no neighbours to report issues.

I strongly suspect the other girls parents already said no and your sleepover is the cover. This means if something goes badly these parents will (rightly) be on your ass for taking them all without checking.

The link to the host is so vague if lots of others have invited friends of friends this
Party will be huge.

It is hugely inconvenient due to your meeting and other DC. I don't see why it has to be you who does all the taxi work.

At 14 this is not a good and sensible introduction to parties. Small house party with friends fine but no to this.

Mumzypopz · 26/02/2017 09:41

Welliesandsequins ....I think your plan is a good one....I am surprised some people let their 14 year olds do what they like too. How do they rein them back in when they reach GCSE year? I'm all for giving my 14 year old some freedom, but it has to be measured and safe. I've been surprised what goes on in other people's houses when she has gone for sleepovers, etc... I've learnt that not everyone has the same standards as me as a parent.

Howlongtillbedtime · 26/02/2017 09:44

I am also surprised at some people saying their 14yr olds are off out and about all evening .
My ds is only 13 but I can't imagine that in a year's time I will be waving him off after dinner and not knowing (or at the very least attempting to ) where he is going .

Or am I being really naive ?

Fingalswave · 26/02/2017 09:47

Helena v v impressive reasoning there; you sound v clued up about teen behaviour. This is all new territory to me, so going to take notes! Smile

Magzmarsh · 26/02/2017 09:47

Where has all the "14 year olds wandering around" idea come from. The first post referenced the op dropping off and picking up from the party, hardly the same as walking out the door not knowing where they're going.

Howlongtillbedtime · 26/02/2017 09:50

magzmarsh

My comment was in reference to someone else saying that at least she had told the op about the party and not just gone out for the evening and gone without telling her.

Magzmarsh · 26/02/2017 09:52

Ah, I see. No I wouldn't be happy about that either. DD is 19 and at uni but still has the decency to tell me where she's going 😊

Leggit · 26/02/2017 09:52

not knowing (or at the very least attempting to ) where he is going . I never said I didn't know where she was. When she was 14 she used to hang about at the skate park, we live in a small town and it is quite normal for teens to go out with their friends in the evening. My point was if one wanted to lie about what they were up to it would be relatively easy. Not sure how that became translated to people not knowing where their teens are Confused

Mumzypopz · 26/02/2017 10:11

I live in a small town too, but it is definitely not normal for 14 year olds to hang around at the skate park at night. God knows what they could get up to. Maybe I'm just old fashioned, but my DD would definitely not be doing that. Early evening in the summer perhaps when it's still light, but would expect her back way before it got dark.

Mumzypopz · 26/02/2017 10:14

Presumably a party would go on well into the night, so not sure how a 14 year old could lie and just go without parents knowing. Surely by eight or nine (if you did let them stay out late), parents would be wondering where they were.

cardibach · 26/02/2017 10:26

Mumzypops How do they rein them back in when they reach GCSE year? Just because a child is allowed some freedom doesn't mean the parent has no control! They probably say 'No, you can't go out on a school night as you have homework/revision to do' and the child stays in I would have thought. I think you are assuming parents aren't allowing freedom so much as not being able to stop it!
surprised what goes on in other people's houses when she has gone for sleepovers, etc... I've learnt that not everyone has the same standards as me as a parent Well, good for you Hmm

Leggit · 26/02/2017 10:32

I live in a small town too, but it is definitely not normal for 14 year olds to hang around at the skate park at night. God knows what they could get up to. oh ffs. Usually they 'got up to skateboarding, bmxing and a few uses to take their scooters. They also went to the spar or the chippy and bought food and juice Hmm