WIBU not to attend a wedding because of the dress code?

[UserUmpteen]

NC because it's identifiable. There's a bit of ill feeling involved too if I'm honest, but AIBU not to want to pay for a tux for DH, cocktail dress for me (zero chance they'd be worn again and I TBH even hiring is an expense I could do without) only to chase the DCs round all afternoon and evening? Is it a bit pissy of me to decline on that basis? We don't have much money; they do and probably would not think this reasonable grounds for declining.

I have recently, first the first time in my life (46) turned down an invite to something because I DONT WANT TO GO ... it feels marvellous - stop stewing just do it.

I've just googled cocktail dresses, and it just seems to mean a 'going out dress'. Perhaps just a little bit more sparkly than a normal dress. Anyway, there are plenty of cheap ones around.
I'm not the sort of person who is really into dresses and so on but I probably would make an exception if it was someone that I liked. It's only for one day.
If you're really skint and genuinely can't afford it then that's different.
As for your partner wearing a dinner jacket I expect many men will just wear a suit and tie.

Our local Oxfam have so many dinner suits they keep in back, all sizes.Buy then sell on , on Ebay may even make a profit? Do same with your dress.

Meh. 'Sadly, we won't be able to make it.' Job done.

I love dressing up and would go but if it's not your bag then don't

Refusing to attend events you really don't want to is very empowering.
Just tell them you can't be there but hope it all goes well.

I love dressing up too and planning outfits for a rare party or night out.

If you loved the couple and enjoyed the company of the people going, you would be working a way round this - thing is, you don't, so won't.

Just don't go.

Dinner jackets in daylight are not right. When gentlemen wear dinner jackets, ladies should wear full-length. You could cite incorrect etiquette as your excuse.

Well that dress code for a wedding is completely incorrect but anyway, if it is tux (and I take that to be black tie?) what colour is his suit, will it convert? Black Dj and trousers so all you would need is new shirt and dicky bow? You could pick up a "cocktail dress" in Quiz for about £20 if you really are skint.

Dictating what your guests wear to your wedding is very wanky...

No it isn't. It's good manners to put a dress code on an invitation to any sort of gathering - whether it's white tie, black tie, suits, smoking jackets, casual or fancy dress. So your guests know how to dress without feeling out of place.

But a dress code is not compulsory and it would be very poor manners indeed to make someone feel uncomfortable because they did not adhere to it for whatever reason.

"This may come as a surprise to some people but not every man has a smart suit already in the wardrobe"

This ^^

OH works from home, and when he does customer visits he wears a shirt and trousers. Until last week he didn't even own a suit, and he only bought one because his mother isn't in the best of health and he didn't want to rush out at the last minute to buy a funeral suit.

There is no way he would buy a new outfit for a wedding and never wear it again.

I think it's a bit of a shame you don't want to go, and that you're looking to us to justify it for you.

For some people, life's too short to feel obliged to do anything nice for anyone else. Fair enough, that's how they are. But if you think there's a chance that you may have been invited because the B&G would like to see you and celebrate their marriage with you, I'd take that chip off your shoulder and go.

As many others have said, it only takes a bit of faff to find nice second-hand stuff to wear for a reasonable price (even if you're as vast as I am). I appreciate your back-story about family resentment, but honestly, this could be a step in the right direction, putting all that stuff behind you. Families and friendships are woven from shared experiences and this is an opportunity to add a positive thread for your generation.

On the other hand, if you really think you've just been invited to be sneered at, avoid at all costs... Did you invite them to yours? How would you have felt if they had declined?

I've never, ever received a wedding invitation with a dress code stipulated. I already know how to dress for a wedding.

Me neither, olddear.

However, DH got a tuxedo jacket for a function for £5 from a charity shop. I imagine they come up frequently on eBay.

Be thankful it wasn't white tie!

YANBU. Having a dress code like that is ridiculous for a wedding. Inconsiderate as not everybody can afford it.

"I've never, ever received a wedding invitation with a dress code stipulated. I already know how to dress for a wedding."

Neither have I Olddear. I thought it was already a given that you dress up for a wedding anyway.

GrumpyOldBag weddings carry their own dress code anyway - morning dress is traditional in English weddings although now it is quite normal for lounge suits to be worn by guests. Most men own a lounge suit, but less likely to own black tie, unless they attend a lot of black tie events, in which case they probably would refuse to wear black tie for a wedding because it is just not proper dress.

Its not a wedding this, is it - so what to wear is perhaps a bit less obvious?

I reckon don't go, unless u fancy shopping around for an outfit within ur budget.

The dress code is more for the men, so they know whether to wear normal suits or penguin ones. For women, it's generally a smart dress but if it's black tie, safest to make it full length. Many exceptions of course. If all else fails, the classic LBD is your friend.

I personally have never received a wedding invitation WITHOUT a dress code. I had no idea it was unusual or rude.

A cocktail dress is just a dress. Go and ignore the dress code. Like a rock star.

Reminds me of my old trade unionist grandad going to my banker uncle's wedding in his regular (brown 1970s) work suit when the rest of the wedding party were in morning suits.

Reading with interest and wondering if anyone here has been in a similar situation, not gone AND gone on to have a good relationship with those involved?

I think it's possible if handled simply and thoughtfully, with minimal drama, a nice card and maybe a present, though it's hard to know how people will react. It sounds like you're not v close so maybe they won't mind you not going?

As for the dress code if you go...
Remember that by the evening, most people will have had a few drinks and be a lot more casually dressed than earlier in the day.
Also, check out your local freebay and community sites/pages, you might be pleasantly surprised.

Frillyhorseyknickers you are spot on. This trend towards wearing black tie at weddings has been imported from the US, where they do things differently. And the women rarely wear hats.

There are dress codes in a general sense, ie make an effort (which everyone can do) and there are dress codes. I was invited to a wedding where we were told all women had to wear a dress in a particular colour (not saying what colour, but it wasn't black which you could count on most women to have) and men had to wear a suit with a shirt and/or tie in the chosen colour.

Now, that is a dress code I would happily ignore Buttery, unless it was a colour that suited me. And that is a dress code I think is a huge imposition on the guests.

If I was told to wear yellow, for example, I might just accessorize with something yellow, rather than wear yellow.