WIBU not to attend a wedding because of the dress code?

[UserUmpteen]

NC because it's identifiable. There's a bit of ill feeling involved too if I'm honest, but AIBU not to want to pay for a tux for DH, cocktail dress for me (zero chance they'd be worn again and I TBH even hiring is an expense I could do without) only to chase the DCs round all afternoon and evening? Is it a bit pissy of me to decline on that basis? We don't have much money; they do and probably would not think this reasonable grounds for declining.

Oh, dear, Rufus, that is very sad. In more ways than it seems you would understand.

I'd just go and wear something I already had. I'm sure there will be other peple there not in tux and really posh dresses

Yes, this. We were invited to a black tie late afternoon wedding and I simply do not do posh frocks. I agonised then eventually just went along in smart pants and jacket and shirt. DH wore an ordinary but smart suit.
We were not alone. Even the brides aunt wore casual long flowery skirt and vest top. No eyebrows were raised.

@liara.

No worries, I just wondered what was in their heads with the original Black Tie summonses/invites.

I would not have felt comfortable if the invitation stated Black Tie and could not do that for whatever reason.

No wonder I have an allergy to weddings!!

Rufus I'm sure you made them feel really unwelcome. Just plus ones. What a Bridezilla.

would not have felt comfortable if the invitation stated Black Tie and could not do that for whatever reason.

^^ this.

Some weddings are like the summons from Hell. And a big groan when it comes in the post too, if we are all really honest.

I avoid most with a suitable prior engagement and a pressie cheque with a kind regret message.

I have seen the formula so many times before, so many times beyond measure. So. Many. Times.

I will not do it anymore now, whether it is black tie, casual or whatever. No more, have done so many now.

But will always do close family of course, we have a ball. Thankfully that is contracting in number now too.

I am honest here.

I once went to a wedding where a girl was wearing a skirt, thick tights and a pair of converse. I thought she looked so cool, and was so jealous of the confidence she must have to do that.

@UserUmpteen

Yay thanks! Glad to have a fellow traveller.

I wouldn't go. I also wouldn't offer a reason. You don't need a reason to politely decline an invitation.

I've been to many weddings in my time and the best ones have been where guests have been welcomed whatever they wear, whatever they eat, whether they choose to bring their children or not, where partners have been welcome whether 'known'to the bridal couple or not. Where all that's been asked of the guests is to come and celebrate a marriage because they are friends, family and acquaintances and all they have been asked to bring are their good wishes.

"I'm surprised by all the people who think it's rude to have a dress code."

Really
I think dictating what your guests wear is a massive imposition, especially if it means them having to spend more than they can afford.

If we had been invited to a wedding that asked us to wear "black tie" clothes we would just wear something smart that we already owned.

I once went to a wedding where a girl was wearing a skirt, thick tights and a pair of converse. I thought she looked so cool, and was so jealous of the confidence she must have to do that.

See if it was a fancy white wedding, I don't think that girl was confident, I think she was rude. Setting a specific dress code is rude to guests but I think there's a general understanding that you wear something vaguely smartish.

This doesn't apply if she hadn't been to one before, or is from a culture where weddings are done differently etc - my post is assuming she does know.

I agree with that sonyaya
I am not keen on anyone dictating what i have to wear to any type of party (esp fancy dress, but thats a diffent thread), however, there is a level of 'smartness' that is expected at the vast majority of weddings, and i think its rude not to acknowledge that.

I agree with sonyaya as well about an expectation that the guests will make an effort to look smart, but dictating black tie or a colour scheme is going too far.

I think uou just don't want to go and that's fair enough, if it wasn't dress code it would be something else, kids, location, timing, whatever.

I'd say just make your excuses and don't go.

But smart is different things to different people. To a full on goth then a skirt tights and converse is probably very smart compared to what they normally wear.

When my friends got married the groom wore a suit, much to the surprise of all of us, but he wore it with a metal band tshirt and converse! Very smart for him, but a lot of people who didnt know him would think he looked a right scruff!

'We're getting married and we're inviting all the people who are really important to us to celebrate our big day. We'd be delighted if you can come. Put on your glad rags and join us at.... on....'

'Dress code: black tie for men; ladies should wear a cocktail dress in a pastel shade of blue or lilac only.'

I know which of those two invitations I'd accept. The top one sounds like an occasion where the bride and groom have actually thought about what their guests would like as well as what they want. The second one doesn't.

I would not want to be on friendly terms with people who judge others by how much money they have and make arrangements for a social occasion that purposely exclude or marginalise their less affluent relatives and acquaintances.

A dress code which goes beyond your budget? Tell them you can't afford it, thank them for the invitation but decline and don't go. Life is far too short for pussy footing around others

Not at all. Sounds like a pretentious, wanky wedding anyway.

If you'd like to go surely DH is standard suit he already has and you in LBDnor maxi dress or black trousers and sparkly top that you can wear again will be fine. I've thrown parties with black tie optional as I like to dress up. I've been pleased to see my guests however they were dressed.

However if it makes you feel uncomfortable, or the brides been clear it's full on black tie or nothing, then YANBU not to go.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a dress code, it's absolutely up to the bride & groom. If they want a black tie wedding that's fine, I don't understand why people would begrudge that.

Perfectly possible to rent or borrow a dinner suit. Or buy cheaply on eBay And if you turn up in a smart suit instead of black tie I'm sure you won't be turned away.

Rufus200 can see why that would ruin your pic. I had a cousin turn up in a denim jacket. She's only on one shot though and makes me smile in hindsight xx

This may come as a surprise to some people but not every man has a smart suit already in the wardrobe. My husband had a professional job before he retired, but did not wear a suit to work, and our social life was not such that he ever had to wear a suit when we went out. When my grandmother died, we had to go out and buy him a suit along with suitable shirt, tie and shoes for the funeral. We would have had to do the same for a wedding.

OK, most men at some point are going to need a suit for an occasion like that. Not many are going to need a tux, though. I can totally see that when you put together the cost of buying or hiring a black tie outfit for the man, cocktail dress style outfit for the woman and something partyish for the children, plus transport and wedding gift, and possibly accommodation, many people's budgets just won't stretch that far - not without cutting out something else, like a family holiday.

All things considered OP, I wouldn't go. Why not have a small private (family) celebration of your own -- nice bottle of wine and takeaways or maybe Bella Italia etc with discount vouchers from online. If the subject ever does come up later you can tell the B&G you remembered them and toasted their future happiness. Never explain and don't apologise and don't put yourself to any angst to just please other people when you know they wouldn't do the same for you.
Good luck

Dictating what your guests wear to your wedding is very wanky...

YANBU

Just say really sorry but we are unable to make it. Why is it that everyone always expects to be given a reason/excuse. Yanbu!