WIBU not to attend a wedding because of the dress code?

[UserUmpteen]

NC because it's identifiable. There's a bit of ill feeling involved too if I'm honest, but AIBU not to want to pay for a tux for DH, cocktail dress for me (zero chance they'd be worn again and I TBH even hiring is an expense I could do without) only to chase the DCs round all afternoon and evening? Is it a bit pissy of me to decline on that basis? We don't have much money; they do and probably would not think this reasonable grounds for declining.

Just send you apologies. Its not unreasonable at all. You don't need to tell them why you aren't attending though.

Interesting that some are suggesting making up an excuse rather than saying it's because of the dress code. That's what's making it difficult after all. I earn a little more than min wage.

I don't get that either. If they asked, I would tell them. People need to know that it's not acceptable to tell your guests how to dress.

Just the evening do? Lie, don't go. do something fun with your partner and children on that day.

I'd just go and wear something I already had. I'm sure there will be other peple there not in tux and really posh dresses

Charity shops are good for DJS ditto evening wear following xmas they are hard to sell so go for knock down prices. But you seem not to be that keen to go anyway, so I would give it a miss personally. I have missed a few dos in my time and I cannot even recall them now.

The more you post, the worse this is sounding. FGS Don't go!

If you do decline I think it's nicer/ more polite to not mention the dress code. Im assuming you don't want them to feel awkward by knowing they've made it awkward for you? You don't have to lie, just say you can't make it. Never apologise, never explain

It doesn't sound as though it is about the dress code. As PPs have said, you could pick up something from a charity shop or EBay which wouldn't be more expensive than a wedding without a dress code. Or you could ignore the dress code and just wear what you want.
It sounds like the real problem is that you don't want to go so just decline. Don't blame it on the dress code because it isn't the deciding factor.

Don't go. What a load of pretentious rubbish. I'd have to really like someone to bother with going to that trouble and expense (and I probably wouldn't like them if they were the type to pull that kind of stunt).

Then again I am a borderline skint misery guts who doesn't like weddings much, so my opinion counts for little.

It's an invite - not a court order

Debenhams/TK Maxx sale and nice accessories. When is the wedding? If it is a distant relative, could you go on your own? It would be cheaper. Have you asked your other relatives what they are planning to wear?

Why do you need to give a reason?

Just reply with a "Sorry that we are unable to attend your wedding, we hope that you have a wonderful day" and leave it at that.

If you are pushed then say that you have a previous engagement, end of.

I am grumpy about it. Why make life difficult by assuming everyone has a similar lifestyle? I'm definitely not flouting the dress code as this is a branch of the family notorious for making judgements on appearance. I've always been uncomfortable with that as I've never come up to scratch.

I don't want to go but I'm conscious that I'm going to be considered difficult and awkward.

My ex SIL dictated that all the ladies at my brother and her wedding must be in dresses.
Seeing as I had recently had surgery on my legs I didn't fancy a) having compression socks on display and b) having to remove them for a day of standing around.
My mum, bless her, was very very brave and said I would be in naice trousers.
Also there were other ladies who were more comfortable without having to get their legs out.
People should just be glad someone wants to celebrate their big day regardless of clothes.

Just decline and don't explain. If they quiz you, just say that it is personal. It sounds like you can't win whichever option you choose.

Just go in a nice dress/skirt/whatever that you already own or can afford.

don't worry too much about the dress code, there aren't formal photos, and they probably won't even notice what you're wearing (unless you turn up in a onesie or something! )

YANBU to not want to go to the expense of renting or buying clothes you wouldn't normally wear but it would be rude to cite the dresscode as your reason partly because I get the impression it's not your only reason for not wanting to go. I'd simply decline citing other commitments, they don't need to know those commitments are financial in nature i.e. you'd rather commit your money to stuff you need rather than fancy get ups you don't.

Here are your options....

Go and flout dress code, feel conspicuous and judged
Go, spend money you dont have, feel conspicuous and judged and also angry at how much it has cost you
Dont go and spend the rest of your life feeling judged as difficult and awkward
Dont go, dont give it another thought as anyone who really cared about you wouldnt make you feel bad, so why give a shit what they think about you?

Would they put themselves out this amount for you? Would they accept being put down and questioned over their choices? Would they even give you 2 thoughts?

Buy on eBay and then sell on eBay? Then you only have to lump the p&p. Would that work?

Pyonyang, I'll take the last option

It's not even the actual wedding? Fuck that. I wouldn't go and I'd have no guilt about it!!

I recently went to a wedding with just my DD (DP and DS were also invited but they both needed suits / shoes etc and it was just too cost prohibitive)

Then do it!

"Sorry we cant attend due to previous commitment, hope you have a great day"

And then put it out of your head. Seriously, just do it!

YANBU. I think those are perfectly reasonable grounds for declining. I wouldn't want to attend a wedding where that was the dress code either! I agree with not making an issue of it and making some other bland excuse for why you can't make it, though, especially if you're dealing with judgemental people.

I'm surprised by all the people who think it's rude to have a dress code. I've never been to a wedding that didn't have the dress code on the invitation. Why would I be offended by being told it's smart casual or lounge suit or black tie or whatever?

Regarding your question, OP, if you don't want to go then don't. Just say you're not free that day. You're being invited, not subpoenaed.

I'm looking on eBay. Problem is I'm dubious about sizing and I know that there will be lots of ultra-luxurious bespoke tuxes at the party because these are people who move in affluent circles. Why can't they just have a normal celebration like anyone else?