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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She's not a toy!

331 replies

imisschocolate · 24/02/2017 08:29

I have a 2 week old DD. i don't understand why visitors insist that they have to have a "shot" when they visit.

Yesterday my baby was very grouchy and unhappy and DH and myself were having trouble settling her. We had a visitor who happened to arrive just as she was calming and falling asleep on me. Right from start of visit i said that as she was so unhappy i didn't want to risk distressing her by passing her around. This meant i had 2 hours of comments along the lines of "if I'm not getting a shot i might as well just go". (Which actually would have suited me).

I wanted to scream shes not a toy and I'm not going to make her cry just so you can hold her. This person has visited a couple of times since she was born so not like hadn't held DD before.

Also, she kept hinting i should wake my sleeping, grouchy baby to put on a wee pink outfit she brought just so she could get a picture. DD hates getting dressed/undressed which visitor knows. My DD is not a doll that you can play dress up with!

I don't think its unreasonable to not want to hand over a baby to someone for a "shot" when it will upset them. I also will not dress my baby up in an outfit just so you can get a picture.

Rant over

OP posts:
LexieLulu · 25/02/2017 21:08

I found this with my first, and subsequently they became very hard to settle, always wanting to be held or rocked to sleep etc.

Second baby people rarely visited, and that baby sleeps so well!

StrawberryShortcake32 · 25/02/2017 21:27

It must be so overwhelming for a newborn being passed around like a parcel.
My family and DH'S were extremely understanding and wouldn't insist on having 'a shot'. If the baby was asleep or feeding etc they were happy to sit and chat with us like they usually do.

As a result I felt more comfortable letting people have loads of cuddles because I knew they were receptive to the babys needs and would always hand him back if he got upset or if I asked.

Yes I said needs! A baby isn't a toy! FFS!

It's a baby human who doesn't have the ability to say "I'm frightened/hungry/uncomfortable/needing to go back to mum. As a mother we are the ones that speak for them, care for them and their wellbeing.

If a stranger wanted to cuddle me or dress me up like a play thing and I wasn't comfortable I can tell them to jog on. A baby cant.

OP ignore these negative posts. You are being a good mum in putting your baby's needs first. Letting people who love them have cuddles is a lovely thing, but making it on yours and the babys terms makes you a good mum, not precious! Flowers

TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork · 25/02/2017 21:30

It must be so overwhelming for a newborn being passed around like a parcel

Newborns don't really notice or care who is holding them or how many. Because they are newborns.

Duck90 · 25/02/2017 21:33

In my experience, people force holding the baby on me. If I try to decline, they get more insistent and I end up "having a shot".

Is there some sort of sense Mums have? They perceive a reluctance to cuddle a baby and force the issue. Because who would not want to hold their wee one?

LittleLionMansMummy · 25/02/2017 21:40

Yeah I pretty much thought newborns sleep anywhere, on anyone, anyhow, any time. They just sleep. Only when they become more alert and sociable do they become over stimulated/ overtired and hard to settle. They're at their most portable in those early weeks. I was always glad to show my two off. Passing them around always gave me a bit of a break too (as much as I loved cuddling them, I had them 99% of the time). Plus, with my second, while she was getting passed around and cuddled it meant I could lavish some attention on my firstborn. Don't really see the issue, sorry.

Allthewaves · 25/02/2017 21:43

is she my mil? she has form for poking sleeping babies to get a hold (no i'm not joking)

BertrandRussell · 25/02/2017 21:57

One of the things about babies is that they tell you how they feel.

Unhappy? Back to parent. Instantly. Otherwise, the more interaction the better.

pictish · 25/02/2017 22:10

Of course Bertrand - it really is that simple.
What a lot of hand wringing over nothing this thread is.

Toyslayer · 25/02/2017 22:21

Bear2014 that is creepy, made my skin crawl a tad. My OH's father is desperate to take our little one out on his own and asks every single time we see him. Even though the answer has always been no. DS is breastfed on demand so it would be distressing for everyone if he got hungry!

WayfaringStranger · 25/02/2017 22:31

YANBU in your situation but I think it's a shame when people are precious about their babies and the "baby moon" (unless there are exceptional circumstances) is a perfect example of bonkers levels of preciousness. You're not just having a baby, you're bringing a new human into the world. They're lucky that they're loved and wanted. Again, OP, I'm not referring to you but some others on here who are OTT. Congrats on your little one btw. :) Flowers

pictish · 25/02/2017 22:41

I agree. I think some posters here surpass themselves in the melodrama stakes. God only knows how some of you get through a day without falling to the floor in a wretched swoon at every turn.

Sallystyle · 25/02/2017 22:47

Fuck that shit. No one came near my baby until he had his shots.

That's a joke, right?

I never cared about people holding my babies but if a baby has been struggling to sleep and has just settled it is reasonable to not want them to be passed around if you think that will unsettle them again.

I don't get fourth trimesters (belongs in the wanky thread), baby moons and not letting people visit for three weeks. Thank god I don't know people who want to keep visitors away for weeks.

I have five children, by the time my third child was born life just went back to normal and the baby just had to fit in (as much as babies can!). The older children still had friends in and out, school runs needed doing and life went on.

If someone told me I couldn't visit for weeks because they were having a baby moon I would find it hard not to laugh my head off. How bloody stupid.

Sallystyle · 25/02/2017 22:53

I had a good friend blank me for weeks after I told her no visitors welcome for 2 weeks after baby 3 was born.

If my friend told me I couldn't visit for two weeks I would find it hard to respect her to be honest. Unless you had a traumatic birth and are in loads of pain what is the problem? If you have friends who will visit and want to be waited on you need better friends. What hardship is it for a friend to come see you and baby? Are people so insecure that they are scared it will ruin their bond or something?

If I was in pain because of a bad birth I would be grateful for a good friend to come round and sit with the baby so I can get some rest.

bluebellsparklypants · 25/02/2017 22:56

Glad you stood your ground op, she's your little DD and it's down to you to keep her safe and contented which it sounds like your doing a great job at.
Relationships can change with other people after having a baby, some people think they know it all about your child but you know what the only 'perfect' parent is one that's not got kids yet

welshmummy1983 · 25/02/2017 23:23

Firstly, congratulations on your new baby. As a first time mum of a 9 day old I feel your frustration. I had a visitor a couple of days ago when baby was sleeping. She deliberately spoke loudly while peering into his basket in a blatant attempt to wake him do she could hold him. He didn't wake and she left but sent me a message later saying he 'owed' her a cuddle. Really irritated me.

glitterazi · 25/02/2017 23:32

Oooo, no. Not read all the replies, just the OP but that would piss me right off!
Baby has been a grouchy arse all day and never shut up screaming? Then finally dozes off and is happily asleep.
Somebody comes round and wants "a go" and to try outfits on them?!
Don't usually swear but fuck that.
Remind them they're a little person.Not a dolly to dress up.
If they're intent on being twats then invite them to have them the next few days for the fallout. Smile

Duck90 · 25/02/2017 23:50

welsh is it not possible that your visitor was just being nice? And after their message, they didn't think about your baby again? While you were getting your knickers in a twist over a stupid text.

Purple52 · 25/02/2017 23:55

Visiting a newborn and mother should be 30 mins, unless they stay to wash up etc.
Hold should be if offered.
Of course they could stay longer, if you invite them to, but if I was visiting a new born and mother I'd expect to go in, say hello, put the kettle on, make drinks, open biscuits if brought, give card and presents, arrange flowers in a vase. Hopefully be offered to hold the baby & go and wash my hands before I did so!! Then I'd wash up before I leave! Offer mum another drink and maybe a sandwich if it's lunch time!!

New mums need support and company. Not to play hostess!!

OP lay down the law!!

Purple52 · 25/02/2017 23:56

I'd bought - not if!!

sympatico1 · 26/02/2017 00:20

Oh, I would just be grateful that friends/family want to visit!!! Make the most of it, just imagine coming home with your new baby and no one contacting you for months!!!

BertrandRussell · 26/02/2017 07:29

I cannot imagine circumstances where I would be upset by someone texting me saying that "the baby "owes" me a cuddle"! If said baby was asleep when they visited!

Blimey Charlie, the people I must have upset in my time!

StrawberryShortcake32 · 26/02/2017 07:45

Newborns don't really notice or care who is holding them or how many. Because they are newborns.

For the most part yes. But babies know their mum from birth. They know our smell, are used to our heartbeat and the sound of our voice. As a newborn, mum is the person they want to be with when things get scary or unsettling.

What they do notice is lots of different faces, voices, smells of all these people passing them around. That in itself is alot of stimulation for a newborn baby and they will easily get overtired and unsettled in no time.

But who cares about that when it's my turn to have "a shot" and spend even more time stimulating a baby changing their clothes unnecessarily.

BertrandRussell · 26/02/2017 08:30

"But who cares about that when it's my turn to have "a shot" and spend even more time stimulating a baby changing their clothes unnecessarily"

Yes, because that is exactly what people are suggesting should happen........

Whatsername17 · 26/02/2017 08:37

PointxTaken has it exactly right here.

StrawberryShortcake32 · 26/02/2017 09:10

Well...Yes it is. That's exactly what the original post says.

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