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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

She's not a toy!

331 replies

imisschocolate · 24/02/2017 08:29

I have a 2 week old DD. i don't understand why visitors insist that they have to have a "shot" when they visit.

Yesterday my baby was very grouchy and unhappy and DH and myself were having trouble settling her. We had a visitor who happened to arrive just as she was calming and falling asleep on me. Right from start of visit i said that as she was so unhappy i didn't want to risk distressing her by passing her around. This meant i had 2 hours of comments along the lines of "if I'm not getting a shot i might as well just go". (Which actually would have suited me).

I wanted to scream shes not a toy and I'm not going to make her cry just so you can hold her. This person has visited a couple of times since she was born so not like hadn't held DD before.

Also, she kept hinting i should wake my sleeping, grouchy baby to put on a wee pink outfit she brought just so she could get a picture. DD hates getting dressed/undressed which visitor knows. My DD is not a doll that you can play dress up with!

I don't think its unreasonable to not want to hand over a baby to someone for a "shot" when it will upset them. I also will not dress my baby up in an outfit just so you can get a picture.

Rant over

OP posts:

Imamouseduh · 25/02/2017 17:10

Let's be honest, no one else is interested in your baby once they are past the newborn stage. So why not enjoy the attention while it's there? I feel like some of these people poo-pooing at the idea of your loved ones wanting to get to meet your lovely newborn (the horror!) are the same ones on here complaining a year later that their family isn't bothered about their kid!

ollieplimsoles · 25/02/2017 17:20

Each to their own, but I kept visitors at bay because I didn't want to be on a pedestal anymore. I had nine months of people constantly asking me about my pregnancy, more over bearing family members were asking how the baby would be divvied up once she arrived...

I couldn't be doing with the unwanted advice anymore, the uncalled for opinions and everyone thinking they had rights to my baby or knew what they were doing because they had done it before. I had mil trying to tell me all about breastfeeding when she hadn't even done it herself!

Couldn't take it and just wanted my own space back!

Craigie · 25/02/2017 17:42

Get a grip. A 2 week old baby isn't grouchy & unhappy, it's just being a baby. If you don't want kind, loving visitors to have a little cuddle, don't let them in. Honestly, it's the only reason people are coming to visit you at the moment.

Original poster

imisschocolate · 25/02/2017 17:49

Craigie - actually people are coming to visit cause they are interested in the lives of me and my DH as much as the baby. If you think people are only interested in the baby then maybe says more about how good company you are.

And of course a 2 week old knows whose holding them. How anyone having had a 2 week old would say otherwise astounds me.

OP posts:

PointxTaken · 25/02/2017 17:50

it's the only reason people are coming to visit you at the moment

charming.

When you see that new mothers are already treated like shit by the medical system (not the individual staff who do the best they can with what little resources they have), why would anyone expect a bit of respect, kindness and help from friends and relative?

So many horrible and selfish people on this thread. Why do people believe they can suddenly disregard somebody's feelings and wishes because they have a baby? Giving birth doesn't mean a woman is now a second class citizen, at least it shouldn't.

Astro55 · 25/02/2017 17:52

And this visitor just 'dropped by' no arrangemenrs made to see if it was convenient - nope - just rock up and expect to be pandered too - and she wasnt - tough - well down OP

Ineke · 25/02/2017 18:07

Mum knows best....usually if you follow your instinct you can't go wrong. Everyone is different so basically do what you feel comfortable with and let visitors know too.

MaliceKitten · 25/02/2017 18:23

This is why I didn't allow visitors for a while after any of my kids were born. And if they wanna play dress up with a baby, they can use one of my reborn dolls and not disturb one of my little angels.

neweymcnewname · 25/02/2017 18:24

Unfortunately you're likely to have to deal with a lot more of this. When my DS was christened, we had a 'do' afterwards, and he was bright and perky at the start. No one tookbany notice of him because they were all chatting (which is fine).After half an hour or so, he was hungry, so fed him and out him upstairs for a nap.
Within minutes people were asking where he was, and asking me to get him back so they could have a cuddle (not one person had asked before!).
They were not impressed when I said I wouldn't wake him. Rather creepily, I went to check on him later, and found MIL in his room, shaking his foot and saying 'wake up!'.
She never babysat, and has generally shown little interest in his life since - some people just feel they have a right to be entertained by you baby :-/

dailybabystuff · 25/02/2017 19:02

Posters who think the baby doesn't have enough awareness to care about being passed from hand to hand are very much mistaken. It is exhausting and confusing - lots of different faces, voices, smells to take in and none of them feeling safe: and as a small baby does not know how to calm herself down yet, it isn't surprising she ends up crying uncontrollably.
A "babymoon" which is effectively a completelban on visitors for 2-3 weeks, or at least clear rules for visitors (e.g. Bring food, don't stay long and do a job in the house) work well in my experience.

BertrandRussell · 25/02/2017 19:18

If the baby cries then of course it should go straight back to its parents. But a baby is part of a family. And can't have too many people loving it.

quarkinstockcubes · 25/02/2017 19:48

Totally agree Bertrand. If no one wanted to visit people would complain that no one was interested. It takes a village to raise a child etc.

neweymcnewname · 25/02/2017 20:01

There's a big difference between visiting, and on demand cuddling quark - the OP didn't say she doesn't want anyone to visit. But if I pop round to visit someone, I don't insist on cuddling them!

5moreminutes · 25/02/2017 20:04

The demanding grabby types who want to wake a sleeping baby who an exhausted mother has only just got to sleep for "a shot" and to dress them in different clothes for a photo session are quite possibly not the same people who will show themselves as having unconditional love for the baby as it grows into a messy, tantruming toddler and a not quite perfect child Who is too active/ not sporty enough / too nerdy / not academic enough and a stroppy teen though...

Bertrand I'm glad you were not saying the mother should just accept being treated shabbily - but other people certainly seem to believe that new mothers should put their needs and wishes after those of almost anyone who dains to choose to drop in unannounced to play with their newborn. As to why we have babies - pregnancy and labour / surgery and sleepless nights and however much it's supposed to cost nowadays to raise a child to adulthood are further than I'd personally go if I just wanted a toy for the few short months they remain squishy babies, especially if I had to let all and sundry into my house to take my toy off me whenever they fancied and be grateful they wanted to play with it when it's batteries needed charging into the bargain

Whiskeyagogo · 25/02/2017 20:21

I wouldn't let her in the house. Makes my blood boil. My DD lived in sleepsuits at that age anyway

SuperBeagle · 25/02/2017 20:34

A "babymoon" which is effectively a completelban on visitors for 2-3 weeks, or at least clear rules for visitors (e.g. Bring food, don't stay long and do a job in the house) work well in my experience.

All I can say is thank fuck I don't know anyone like you. This is absurd. "Rules" for seeing a baby? A complete ban on visitors? Christ on a bike.

sofiainwonderland · 25/02/2017 20:40

What? Wtf? First of all, I am a bit paranoid. Which means, my little Sofia (yep, my username is her name :), doesn't get exposed on Facebook insta social media overall at all. Our close family can see pics of her or visit at any time but I'd rather not have people taking selfies with her, omg, especially when's she's sleeping and she'd need to be woken up for a selfie (wtf?!?)

You need to be firm and clear. How cheeky!!!

coconutpie · 25/02/2017 20:41

YANBU and the attitudes of some people on here is shocking - no consideration at all to the woman who has only just given birth. NOBODY has a right to visit after a baby is born. The mother has the right to choose who visits while she recovers after child birth. And if certain guests are being rude, selfish and generally up their own arse then she can tell them to leave. Demanding to wake a sleeping baby is just fucking selfish.

PointxTaken · 25/02/2017 20:48

at least clear rules for visitors (e.g. Bring food, don't stay long and do a job in the house) work well in my experience.

as only close family and friends should bother a new mum in her first few days/ weeks at home, not sure how expecting them to do something nice and help is that shocking SuperBeagle
If you visit a friend or a sibling with a broken arm, wouldn't you offer to help with something? what 's the difference with a new baby then?

PointxTaken · 25/02/2017 20:49

*meant to add:
It's a bloody shame you even have to ASK! Normal human beings should offer anyway!

SuperBeagle · 25/02/2017 20:52

as only close family and friends should bother a new mum in her first few days/ weeks at home, not sure how expecting them to do something nice and help is that shocking

I don't disagree with the idea that visitors should help in some way. Make a cup of tea, bring something to eat etc. But to demand that they do or they won't see the baby, or to straight up ban people from visiting until the baby is 3 weeks old is nothing short of insane.

dotdotdotmustdash · 25/02/2017 20:56

My DM arrived at my house before I got back from hospital with DC2 and stayed for a week. In that time she never got out of bed before 11am and never lifted a cup, but she was willing to hold the baby. At the end of the week she suggested staying another week but we reassured her that there was no need. I wish I had known that saying no was a possiblity.

sonyaya · 25/02/2017 20:58

You do have the right to make decisions about who sees and holds your baby, but these people whose love for your child you find inconvenient at present might be the people you want support from with childcare etc in the future. Don't be dismissive over their excitement for your child because one day you might miss it if it's not there.

PointxTaken · 25/02/2017 20:59

for any other reason, someone straight out of hospital can expect all offers of help and visitors making sure the "patient" is not over tired but recovering nicely - or even just sending flowers and good wishes to avoid imposing.

Why is a woman with a new baby, who realistically will not be sleeping more than 3 or 4 hours straight a night at best, (without even mentioning the physical issues), why is that woman treated any differently? Because visitors have a "right" to cuddle a new born? If they are so ridiculous about the baby, they should get a puppy.

mummy1234321 · 25/02/2017 21:04

YANBU
I understand you so well. When my first DS was born, I went through similar situation, only more humiliating for me. Guests coming to see the baby insisted that I breastfeed baby in front of them rather than going upstairs and doing it in baby's room. I declined and went anyway. It was still early days and I wasn't very comfortable breastfeeding in front of people other than my partner. One of female guests followed my upstairs which was even more annoying and told me there was nothing to be ashamed for. They probably meant well but I ended up in tears when they left. You are also still quite emotional after having a baby, with hormones and everything (I was anyway), so things might annoy you even more than normally.
I would hate people visiting and passing my son around, because DS would get overtired and would scream for hours...

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