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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family Wedding and School term 😡

157 replies

TippyT · 23/02/2017 22:25

My parent is getting remarried, in the Lake District which is about 6-7 hours away from where we live in termtime it's not even a few weeks after a school holiday.

They are getting married on a school day so it's a two day round trip midweek! For this wedding and I will have to take my twins out of school year 8 for two days. I am objecting as I feel they should be in school, as the wedding could have been held in a school holiday at lest. It's two days AL for my husband and myself ( we don't get much), and need to save it for sick children and our family holiday.

I have said I will go by myself, as I cannot afford the fines and I think school is more important. AIBU? Family are angry about my choice but my husband supports me

OP posts:
HicDraconis · 24/02/2017 18:59

I agree completely with ChocolateWombat - this is less about the difficulty of going and more about your strained relationships within the family. To you, school is more important than your children attending a wedding which to be honest it sounds like you're not keen on attending either.

My situation is entirely different in that I adore the family member in question (and her DH2B), and all the other members of the family I'll be able to spend time with while we're there. So yes I'm prepared to travel from the other side of the world, in term time and spend thousands doing it (current estimate around $25k... gulp) - because it's so important to me, there is no obstacle I will not find a way around. Plus it was my choice to move here.

It is ultimately your choice to decide to go or not, alone or with family - a two day midweek absence and a couple of 7h drives if you really wanted to be there would be inconsequential. But your family dynamics sound very different so suddenly the drive, the time off, sorting school etc seems like far too much effort and hassle got something you're not even going to enjoy. YANBU for going alone but neither are your family BU for thinking you could be there if you wanted to - and I suspect it's thinking along those lines which has made them angry. It certainly isn't going to help the strained relationships if you don't go, or go alone.

MrJones1977 · 25/02/2017 17:48

YANBU. People who expect others to drop their lives for the sake of a second wedding are just fools. Just make your apologies and don't go at all. Like you said you need your holiday days for child sickness and family holiday. Family or not I say did 'em

Craigie · 25/02/2017 17:50

YANBU. Term time holidays are an absolute no no for me. If it was important for your parent that you were all there, they would have been more considerate in choosing a date, after all it's no skin off their nose what day of the week it happens.

Benedikte2 · 25/02/2017 18:19

Given your circumstances OP you've made the right decision. In fact, you're being very generous in deciding to go yourself. If family members continue to give you a hard time tell them you'll pull out altogether if they continue to harass you.
Good luck

TheFullMrexit · 25/02/2017 18:30

It's not a term time holiday it's a wedding Confused but yes if you really liked person of course one would go

Gklak · 25/02/2017 21:16

Retired teacher here! Go and take them, it's a one off celebration! Just don't take them out in the next few years for a cheap holiday!

pollymere · 25/02/2017 21:17

You won't be fined for a family wedding. I took my dd to Hong Kong for a week for one, and the school gave her authorised absence. Talk to the school and explain why it's important. Even if they feel they cannot authorize it, they will let it slide as an authorized one.

Purplealienpuke · 26/02/2017 06:23

I think if you've come on mn for an answer you've probably already decided. It's a parents wedding. To me that would be special.
Maybe it's a relationship you're not keen on?
Anyway I don't think having to take two days annual leave and take kids out of school for 2 days for a parents wedding is a big deal.
Good luck with your choice 💐

MrsEricBana · 26/02/2017 06:53

Given your update I wouldn't go, just see them as a family at later date. Don't feel guilty.

Maxandrubyrubyandmax · 26/02/2017 07:54

There's no right or wrong answer here tbh. I'd probably take my child without DH so only one of us has to waste AL. Missing 2days of school at that age will be fine!

LindyHemming · 26/02/2017 08:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

altiara · 26/02/2017 08:48

I'm still anti the 7 hours of travel twice in two days. I don't care who's getting married, that would put me off. I wouldn't enjoy the wedding at all and I wouldn't want my grumpy face then ruining it.
OP said midweek so no chance of tagging the weekend on.

ComputerUserNumptyTwit · 26/02/2017 09:48

When you need all your annual leave to cover children's sickness and as much of the school holidays as possible, two days in term time is a big deal!

When mine was smaller, I simply wouldn't have been able to do it. I didn't have a day off work that wasn't school holiday/poorly child related for about a decade - I think that's pretty commonplace.

Donthate · 26/02/2017 09:52

You won't get a fine for two days. Can't believe you are making them miss their grandparents wedding Hmm

iknowimcoming · 26/02/2017 10:17

OP - I'm with you totally although I appreciate its more tricky to understand if you have a 'normal' happy family. Personally if they were bitching at me about not taking my dc out of school for two days and me coming on my own I'd be inclined to say, fine, I won't come either then! It doesn't sound like you are likely to enjoy it really does it- why put yourself through it?

My best friend is getting married at the end of June and has invited my dc in yrs 10 and 12 but it's an hours Drive so dc will only need to leave school at lunchtime and miss one lesson (dd will probably have finished by then anyway) and exams etc will be over but I honestly would not take Ds out for a whole day so would have declined for him if that was the case. I can't imagine school will authorise it so he may have a dentist/orthodontist/drs/opticians appt that afternoon Wink

WidowTwonky · 26/02/2017 10:30

YANBU. Go alone

SuburbanRhonda · 26/02/2017 10:38

It's not a term time holiday it's a wedding

Except that some pp have suggested tagging on trips to Blackpool and Alton Towers, which makes it a holiday absence.

OP, sounds like you made the right decision. If the atmosphere will be tense and awkward, and the trip involves 7 hours each way in the car, I can't imagine that being fun for a teenager.

Hulababy · 26/02/2017 11:16

In year 8 I'd take them out. School may not authorise it but they won't fine for two days. A grandparent getting married is a fairly close relationship after all.

Dd is in y10 and missed a day last term for a friend's wedding. She caught up and even did the rest she missed that day the Monday after.

FWIW whether a teacher or TA can have time off depends on the individual school. My school has a fab head who is very big on her staff having a life away from school including family and friends. So I have had three days off this year - the wedding of friends, the funeral of dh's grandfather (paid leave for this as they treated it as my own grandparent given I'd known him since being a teen for several years) and the funeral of an older family friend. Dd also had missed those three days with no issues despite being in y10.

School is indeed important, very much so, but sometimes our family and friends do have a place to be even more important.

Hulababy · 26/02/2017 11:23

I am not sure any school in England has ever removed a child from school for having two unauthorised absences be it in state or independent education. They all say this but they are talking about extended leave of absence of 3/4 weeks plus, not 2 days! Even LEAs have some common sense!!!

And most LEAs do not fine for two days either. It's normally for 5 or more days and some are above that. Some don't seem to fine at all. Very few fine for less than 5 days, and where some have they've often been challenged and parents won.

RestlessTraveller · 26/02/2017 23:16

They wouldn't Hulababy because it would be illegal.

2014newme · 27/02/2017 10:44

Yes I was surprised to see that!
Sticking with my five days unauthorised per year as our HT isn't bothered.

FuzzyFalafelz · 27/02/2017 12:15

A wedding should count as 'exceptional circumstances' which in theory should be ok'd

FuzzyFalafelz · 27/02/2017 12:15

In my county you'd only get fined after 4 weeks

Iamastonished · 27/02/2017 13:14

"A wedding should count as 'exceptional circumstances'"

It definitely doesn't in our LA. They have defined ‘exceptional circumstances’
as terminal illness or bereavement only.