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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Family Wedding and School term 😡

157 replies

TippyT · 23/02/2017 22:25

My parent is getting remarried, in the Lake District which is about 6-7 hours away from where we live in termtime it's not even a few weeks after a school holiday.

They are getting married on a school day so it's a two day round trip midweek! For this wedding and I will have to take my twins out of school year 8 for two days. I am objecting as I feel they should be in school, as the wedding could have been held in a school holiday at lest. It's two days AL for my husband and myself ( we don't get much), and need to save it for sick children and our family holiday.

I have said I will go by myself, as I cannot afford the fines and I think school is more important. AIBU? Family are angry about my choice but my husband supports me

OP posts:

Beeziekn33ze · 23/02/2017 22:56

Tippy - you're NBU, sadly your parent is BVVU 🙄

TheFullMrexit · 23/02/2017 22:57

I am with Italian. Sounds like it's cheaper to do it in the week. If your not close and don't mind fall out font go. It would also not even have thought about it but I dearly loved dm. Maybe there is back story here, bitterness....

MeadowHay · 23/02/2017 22:58

Personally I think in your situation I would just take the kids and go and enjoy the wedding but it's totally your choice and I see your point of view completely. You don't need to justify yourself to anyone so your family should quit bugging you about it.

BonnyScotland · 23/02/2017 22:59

do you have to go ?

BeIIatrixLeStrange · 23/02/2017 23:00

I think midweek weddings are a bloody inconvenience for the guests

The bride and groom book it midweek because it is way cheaper and therefore look like cheapskates but it brings all kinds of headaches for guests with work and school etc

Yes, of course it is their day, and they can do whatever they jolly well want, but this whole thing gives a middle finger to the guests

My SIL was married on a Thursday and atmosphere wise it was the worst wedding we have been to. Guests were in and out all day picking kids up from school and coming to the reception after work or leaving the reception early as they had to be up for work the next day, and there were quite a few who didn't come at all. The reception disco was about dead by 8pm there was no happy party atmosphere just a few stressed out pissed off people

squiggleirl · 23/02/2017 23:01

Go or don't go. It's a choice.

Personally I would go. I don't think it's unreasonable for a child to miss 2 days of school to attend their grandparent's wedding, or for an adult to take 2 days annual leave to attend their parent's wedding.

I have taken my 2 children out of school to attend a family wedding that was abroad, on a weekday, during term-time. Didn't give it a second thought. It was a family celebration and we did what was necessary to ensure we were there.

BeIIatrixLeStrange · 23/02/2017 23:01

btw I would not pull my kids out of school for this

The grandparent clearly does not care if the kids are there or not.. maybe they would rather kids were NOT there, and secretly want a kid free wedding, but don't want to say this to you

Xmasbaby11 · 23/02/2017 23:02

I would go to the wedding because it's your parent so it is a big deal and personally I couldn't miss such a special day for just another day at work/school that will be forgotten in weeks.

I would never plan a term time holiday, but for this, actually, I would just go with it and try to make the best of it.

5foot5 · 23/02/2017 23:03

Get a grip. Nothing that vital happens in year 8. Their academic future won't be ruined forever by two days off?

I never normally took holidays in term time but for a very significant thing like a parents wedding then of course.

And FGS if this doesn't warrant some of your annual leave I don't know what does!

tillytown · 23/02/2017 23:07

Are they getting remarried to the same person?

gillybeanz · 23/02/2017 23:08

It's so much cheaper to get married mid week, school holidays are likely to be more expensive especially the main ones.

We are taking dd out of school for 2 days, she will be y9 at the time.
She will be her aunties bridesmaid so needs to be there really.

Two days off school won't harm, have you asked for permission? Have you considered having a sickie?

HelsinkiLights · 23/02/2017 23:10

Entirely up to you but no one should fall out about whatever decision is made.
Now if it was me I would go but if it was at a start of term/important tests held or DC struggling at school then I wouldn't go.
But as I said decisions must be respected even if you have to agree to disagree. That's the grown up way.

BackforGood · 23/02/2017 23:11

Of course YANBU.
As per the first reply really.

If it were important to them to have you all there, then they needed to have thought of that before making the plans.
Any event that I've wanted particular people at, I've consulted those people before booking anything - it's common sense, surely ?

bonfireheart · 23/02/2017 23:16

I missed a whole year of school when we went abroad to care for my elderly grandad. Spent a year in a school in a third world country where we didn't have chairs let alone any standard of education. Then I look at the jobs me and my siblings have (police, solicitor, lecturer) and think it didn't do us any harm (and left us with great memories of grandparents). I know have a DD and wouldn't be precious about her missing the odd day - although me having to use up my already limited annual leave would annoy me more!

Italiangreyhound · 23/02/2017 23:20

A wedding is not just about the people getting married, (although it mainly is), the kids will see relatives and family friends. Potentially with older relatives this might be the last chance to see them.

It's too big to let a day or two of school stand in the way, says the person who just loves school!

FourToTheFloor · 23/02/2017 23:21

MrsTerry isn't it a second marriage not a vow renewal??

loaferloveforyou · 23/02/2017 23:27

Thing about weddings are they are planned to the ideas of the couple. Whenever someone plans the wedding they need to appreciate some people can't make it whether it's term time or even on a Saturday if people work shifts.

If you are going to do it midweek term time then the couple needs to accept and understand that those with kids can't come. That's without the hours and hours of driving. If they really wanted to you there then they would reconsider.

My wedding was during the school time but on a Saturday because if any of the family children couldn't make it then I wouldn't have enjoyed the day as much.

Sounds like you have compromised as much as you can. On the other hand, what harm will 2 days off work do for the children? Are they normally 100%ish attendance?

GabsAlot · 23/02/2017 23:28

wow so when someone comes on and says they want a holiday and theyre taking the kids out its all pp saying go for it its your kids

but for a wedding its not? some people cant afford weekend weddings-for those saying they would do it at the weekend if they wanted everyone there-yeah ok pay a grand more so dd doesnt moan about 2 days outof school

does 2 days really make a difference and u saying u dont want to use your leave up just sound like u dont realy want to go

PurpleMinionMummy · 23/02/2017 23:30

Schools won't authorise leave for a wedding here unless it's the child's parent.

I wouldn't be keen. Even over two day, a 6-7 hr trip on both will just leave you all worn out and miserable imo

troodiedoo · 23/02/2017 23:32

Totally agree with Bellatrix while it's the happy couple's prerogative to get married whenever they like, it's rude af to expect people to be happy to take days off work etc.

If you and hubby are happy with that arrangement of just you going, then fair dos. I wouldn't take kids out of school.

PurpleDaisies · 23/02/2017 23:32

I think relying on people to take annual leave or taking their children out of school is a big ask and should only be done if you're happy for them not to be there and won't put pressure on them to come.

Some people can't afford their first choice wedding on a weekend. We didn't want to put people out so we compromised on our venue so everyone could come.

sallylondon · 23/02/2017 23:34

No issue. I would be amazed if the school didn't put it down as authorised absence (unless you have a poor attendance record or bad relationship with headteacher). Of course you should all go, if you want to.

5foot5 · 23/02/2017 23:40

Schools won't authorise leave for a wedding here unless it's the child's parent.

So the school won't authorize it. So what? What are they going to do? Yeah they could fine you I suppose but is that really such a big deal. When did we all get to be so obedient? If you think the right thing is to take your children out for an important family occasion then do it.

ComputerUserNumptyTwit · 23/02/2017 23:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WhispersOnTheWind · 23/02/2017 23:42

If it's inconvenient to you re timing or expense then you don't go. As they say around here it's an invitation not a summons. I think your excuse of not wanting to take yr 8 kids out of school for 2 days is a bit weak though - it's hardly a crucial academic time. And grudging 2 days of annual leave seems a bit tight too. Of course I don't know your back history with this parent or the prospective step so maybe you have good reasons why you don't feel particularly enthusiastic about this wedding.

As for 'they can't really want you there' per pps, I don't get that, they invited you. Why would they invite people they don't want? And if the Lake District is special enough to them to want to get married there maybe they couldn't get a weekend date or a midweek date in the school holidays without a very long wait; also, given how popular it is as a tourist destination,let alone a wedding destination, it is bound to be a lot more expensive at those times too.

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