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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family Wedding and School term 😡

157 replies

TippyT · 23/02/2017 22:25

My parent is getting remarried, in the Lake District which is about 6-7 hours away from where we live in termtime it's not even a few weeks after a school holiday.

They are getting married on a school day so it's a two day round trip midweek! For this wedding and I will have to take my twins out of school year 8 for two days. I am objecting as I feel they should be in school, as the wedding could have been held in a school holiday at lest. It's two days AL for my husband and myself ( we don't get much), and need to save it for sick children and our family holiday.

I have said I will go by myself, as I cannot afford the fines and I think school is more important. AIBU? Family are angry about my choice but my husband supports me

OP posts:
RainbowsAndUnicorn · 24/02/2017 08:45

Their issue, not yours. If you go for a cheap mid week option then you can't expect guests to use annual leave, travel etc simply to save you money.

I'd not take children out of school for a wedding either.

SmellySphinx · 24/02/2017 08:45

I can't see why you would be fined. The only issue I see is you don't get much time off and you'd understandably like to save that for sickness and holidays.
Personally I would just take the kids, it sounds like you'd all have a lovely time, well hopefully anyway... 6/7 hours is a ball ache but that's where it is!

ChocolateWombat · 24/02/2017 08:59

It's their grandparents wedding. I think this is a big deal in terms of family events. It might be inconvenient but it's also important to support family on their big days - and there's not much more important than a wedding.
Yes, it's term time and it's a long way to go. I would put them first and put the effort in this time to go. What kind of a relationship will you have with a close parent in the future if you can't put yourself out and give up some AL to be at their wedding?

And I say all this as a big supporter of the idea that people shouldn't take kids out out of school for holidays etc.

You won't get fined. You can ask permission.

I think it's good to prioritise your parents and the kids grandparents on their big day. If your family relationship isn't great (and the fact you are considering not going suggests that to me) then this is a chance to build them and improve them. Sometimes we need to do what is inconvenient for the sake of others...and this is one of those times.

ChocolateWombat · 24/02/2017 09:00

And to all those a saying that if someone chooses mid week or far way they can't expect people to come.....well I think you CAN expect your close family to make the effort and be willing to be put out a bit occasionally. I agree you can't expect lots of other people to do it, but surely we are willing to put ourselves out for our parents!!

JoJoSM2 · 24/02/2017 09:21

Do you not get on with the parent? Is there another issue? I can't understand why you'd be so wound up over this... It's probably cheaper and quieter to hold the wedding mid week.

Not sure of your school's attendance policy but presumably a close family wedding would be a perfectly reasonable, authorised absence?

And if you have an issue about taking 2 days off to attend your parent's wedding then frankly that says sth about you...

RB68 · 24/02/2017 09:29

Sorry but they are yr8 secondary age, I think if in primary then 2 days with permission OK but when you get to 12/13 then school is more important. If there was a close relationship grandparent and new to be grandparent would have worked it into their plans a bit better, quieter or cheaper be dammed

witsender · 24/02/2017 09:31

I would go and would take them.

2014newme · 24/02/2017 09:32

You won't be fined for 2 days.😂
Have you actually requested authorised absence?

I take mine put fir a weeks unauthorised every year and gave never been fined

Go to the wedding, stop with the histrionics

MadMags · 24/02/2017 09:36

Stuff like this is why your school system is bizarre to me.

Here, the kids just wouldn't go to school and would bring in a note for their files.

exLtEveDallas · 24/02/2017 09:37

I couldn't go because:

  1. I can't take term time leave - I'd lose my job.
  2. DDs (secondary) school have clearly stated that they will 'review school places if unauthorised leave is taken' (and as the school is highly oversubscribed it is a real possibility).

So if I had a parent that did this I would have to regretfully decline. It wouldn't mean I loved them less, it would mean I prioritised keeping a roof over our heads and a child in school over their wedding. Thankfully my DParents would completely agree and understand, because they love their family and want the best for them.

Things aren't always black and white.

AnnPerkins · 24/02/2017 09:42

I wouldn't be bothered about taking DS out of school, his attendance is good, it's only two days and he's never been to a wedding in our family.

Our annual leave is precious, though, we need to use it sparingly. I wouldn't be happy about DH and I having to use four days of it for one wedding day.

Whatever, your parent is BU for giving you a hard time about it. They've chosen to have a midweek wedding so they must accept the potential affect on the guestlist.

LongtimeLurkerNowPokemonHunter · 24/02/2017 09:54

This worries me about my own wedding Sad
We've booked a Saturday in may, late afternoon to help with travel for guests. It's in my hometown (Scotland) however his family live all over the UK and further afield.

We know it's English term time. It's Scottish term time too but the venue isn't available in school holidays at all. Not "just more expensive", just not available.

We had a choice: choose a big enough venue to invite the full family or get a smaller venue in holidays and cut half the list. We took the first option.

It worries me that people will discuss our wedding like this now. Sad realistically we're 50-60 mins from a major airport although we're rural so it's not like it's the back of beyond.

Argh.

LongtimeLurkerNowPokemonHunter · 24/02/2017 09:55

Just to add, we've had comments from family about how we've picked school holidays to cut numbers and that folk won't be able to come due to fines. It's an easy Friday night travel or could be done with one day off. Surely they don't fine for one day? I don't know the English school system.

2014newme · 24/02/2017 09:57

Longtime I imagine your guests will travel Friday night. You aren't requiring them to take time off school

Jaxhog · 24/02/2017 09:58

If they really wanted you and family there, they wouldn't have booked it during the week. I think just you going is the best solution. School attendance is more important than a wedding for kids.

HicDraconis · 24/02/2017 10:03

Blimey. We're taking the boys out of school for the last 3 weeks of term to be able to attend a family wedding. It's a 32h trip (2 x 14h flights and some hanging around).

Boys are excited to be seeing their family again, they'll be a part of the wedding party and the school have said it's a lovely idea, really important to maintain family links and get together on special occasions, go and have an awesome time.

Work (when I explained why I wanted the leave) granted it without question, my colleagues swapped shifts to enable it and wished me a lovely time with my family.

2 days and a 7h trip? Either you care about your family enough to make it work or you don't.

ChocolateWombat · 24/02/2017 10:08

Don't you guys ever cut some slack for family members? It's inconvenient, it's far away, it uses up AL, it means 2 days off school.......it's not impossible. So there's a choice to be made - put your parent and their big day first.....or don't. Sometimes it's necessary and good to make sacrifices for other people even if they cost us a bit in terms of inconvenience. Wouldn't we hope people might do the same for us one day and that if for some reason we made a choice which might involve them putting themselves out, that they would choose to do it...because isn't that how we want families to be?

The Op isn't going to lose her job over this. The kids won't find their education is ruined. The OP can request permission (|doesnt sound as if she has even asked yet) and is extremely unlikely to be fined. The obstacles to going ARE SURMOUNTABLE if she chooses to. So it's not that there's no choice, but there is an option to go.

When I think back over the years to friendships and family relationships, when you put yourself out for someone, you rarely regret it. It builds friendships and relationships.

Rather than feeling aggrieved that they chose a date that doesn't suit you, how about just being gracious and saying 'yes' and going and having a good time?

ChocolateWombat · 24/02/2017 10:09

Hic, I totally agree.

FlyingElbows · 24/02/2017 10:13

Genuine question as a Scottish person where we have this fines carry on (because nobody would pay any attention to it!)...
why do you not just phone them in sick? All this hand wringing about being destined for Jeremy Kyle if you ever miss a day of school is a bit ott.

I understand it's a pain in the tits and I'm with you on not wanting you use your annual leave but it's not going to be the end of your child's future if they miss a couple of days. Just invent a cold.

FlyingElbows · 24/02/2017 10:14

...don't have this fines carry on.

NataliaOsipova · 24/02/2017 10:14

Longtime I agree with newme. In the situation you describe my DH would take the afternoon off, we'd pick up the kids at 3.30 on a Friday and begin our travelsto your wedding. This would no doubt involve an overnight stay, but so be it. We would have 24 hours to get to you and would leave on Sunday morning to get home so the kids could be at school on Monday. Not a convenient weekend, sure, but doable if you were family or a close friend and it meant a lot to you to have us there. But midweek in term time? We wouldn't be able to come.

CountUpTo3 · 24/02/2017 10:18

Don't listen to any of the emotional blackmail, either on here or from your family. Stick to your guns, you're doing the right thing for you and for your DC.

You will be doing the 14hr round trip to be there for your parent, so you care plenty. As mentioned upthread, if it had been a big priority for your parent to have everyone there, they could have selected a less inconvenient time.

llangennith · 24/02/2017 10:22

I would probably tell my parent that I'd be coming on my own as the DC aren't allowed to miss school. If that's not acceptable to them then don't bother to go at all.
If I was the parent getting remarried and I wanted my grandchildren there I'd plan the wedding at a sensible time and place taking them into consideration.
Don't be guilt-tripped into messing up your family's life to suit other people, not even a parent.

TheNaze73 · 24/02/2017 10:27

I'm with llangennith, spot on.

StickyMouse · 24/02/2017 10:35

Unless I didn't get on with the parent in question I would go, annadale is on my wavelength in suggesting to make sure that there is a fun element in it for the DC, Lake District is fab, you could do Alton Towers or Blackpool during your travels, take loads of photos of the wedding and whole trip and turn it into a great family memory.

its 2 days, it wont ruin their education and I wouldn't begrudge taking annual leave for my parents holiday.

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