To wonder how single mums do it??

[Mammylamb]

Not being goady, honestly. But how can single mums cope on their own?? Especially those who are working outside the house too??? Full of admiration, but genuinely think I would struggle, but quite clearly many women successfully manage it

I love this thread. It's nice to be "acknowledged" as it were. I just keep plodding along really! Yes ds's dad does have him every other weekend. But that is because I work eow and no nurseries or cms do weekends. My other mum friends kept saying it must be nice to have weekends to myself. They no longer mention it since I pointed out I had to work 2 12 hour days so the only time I have is to sleep!
All my "child free" time is spent at work so no time off for me. Ds goes to bed at 8pm so my evenings are spent cleaning, washing etc. Maybe get an hour to watch tv before bed but mostly it's time for bed once I've finished all the jobs.
My relationship ended due to ex's numerous affairs and I said enough is enough. Yes being single is better than being with a manipulative cheat but being a single parent is so much harder ime. Two incomes is obviously better than one. There's no one to take over for ten minutes if you need a break. If I'm ill I can't relax ever. I've been poorly 4 times already this year but can't afford time off. My gp wanted to sign me off 6 times since August but I simply can't afford it. I was nearly hospitalised but again, can't afford to be so I just keep getting worse.
But ds and I have a great relationship which I love. He has no idea I struggle or anything like that. He's a happy, content toddler and is absolutely thriving. I feel such pride every time I look at him.

I am recently single. Abusive ex lives nearby and DS2 stays with him (currently 50% but to be reduced following Court Order cos he's a twat ) and DS1 pops over (for all the fun stuff). So, I do get child free time. This helps, but it is at the expense of still having to deal with abusive ex.

I work full time, but from home so no commute time and lots of flexibility.
I also do some sport every day (run or swim) and I volunteer at the foodbank for a few hours a week. nb DS1 is 17 so can help mind DS2 (often very early morning or at night when I go for late swim or run).

I am very, very busy, but quite a bit of that busyness is for my own activities so it's my own choice. For me, doing sport, seeing friends and my volunteer work is very important otherwise I'd just be sucked into work, kids, housework, seething resentment over ex.

I plan all meals. The house is much cleaner than before cos ex dictated when I would do the housework twat

Best of all, while it might be hard, it's on MY TERMS.

Hats off to all of you.

I hope this isn't offensive, but I get motivation reading these stories. When I want to have a moan, or think my life is tough, I just shut up.

I have been a single working mother since ex p walked out 2 and a half years ago. It can be miserable and lonely when there is no one to. One with you to school events etc of to share the burden . However ex was selfish and existed in his own bubble a long time before he left so it is easier not having to entertain and do washing for large child.

It's tough but I've never known any different. MY DS's 'father' has no contact at all (he's never met him and never paid a penny). I work FT in a stressful job and I'm also a carer to my DM (and I'm a single child so no family help).

Littlefrog - I'd tell you to go fuck yourself, and your prejudiced opinions, but as you're a goady fucker, I won't bother

^^ this

I ended an abusive relationship on mothers day last year after he beat me black and blue, I work full time in a supermarket, I pay all my own rent in an area that is renowned for being expensive but its where the good schools and my ds nursery are. Thank God I saved when I was younger as I was able to pay for a year up front, I pay my own council tax at a single persons rate I pay for all my gas and electric bills on time. I make sacrifices such as not buying new clothes and walking to most places so I don't need to buy petrol.
People like you need to fuck off, were not all living off the government and if some are so what? Just because people live differently to you doesn't mean their children shouldn't be treated any different to yours.
You don't have to deal with the loneliness or the sadness, going to sleep crying most nights because you have nobody to talk to and because your skint you can't go out with friends because you a) can't afford a nice meal and b) can't afford the babysitter, when your ill im sure your dh can take a the load off you a bit, its bloody hard work so DFOD

Oh and please have my first

It is tough, you cope because you have no other choice (in the same ways that lots of others living far more difficult circumstances do).

I've been a single Mum for 13 years after leaving my abusive exP. I'm lucky in that my parents are brilliant and live locally so we're a big help when the boys were younger. I work full time and am always on the go.

However I'd rather be a single Mum than in an unhappy relationship. I hear lots of my friends moan about their partners not pulling their weight around the house, I don't have that resentment, I just get on to it.

The upside is that me and my boys are incredibly close

My partner works away in the week which means I am alone with 3 children most days and it is tough. My family doesn't live anywhere near me. Even though the children have good food, a home and go to school tidy, sometimes the home is a bit disorganised.
My oldest has been difficult for years and asking for help is a joke. Have been put of by every charity because they are underfunded or seem to know she doesn't need help without meeting her.
I called social care for help and have just been told I must be the bad egg as she is happy at school even though every teacher said she clashes with her peers and is at the bottom of nearly every subject. This week I caught her stealing money from us to which sc replied it is my fault I should give her more. Today she asked my other children if she could sell their pens in school because she hoardes sweets and has a pen OCD. She needs to buy more and more even though she has hundreds.
I have now got to put valuables away and cant even leave my purse out.
The few friends I have got left are busy.
I don't think only parents are all coping very well, they just know how to carry on and on. Because they have to.

littlefrog you had such a hard time - I feel your pain as I went through exactly the same. Only difference was that my piece of s**t ex wasn't there, I had 2 under 5, studying for a degree and wasn't entitled to any benefits because I had lived abroad for a few years. Oh and I have absolutely no family support (single child, parents died when I was young) and no friends as I was living in a new area - you have no idea what some people go through. I can guarantee that you couldn't walk 5minutes in my shoes because I have been to hell and back so many times.

So you complaining how tough you had it when you had some support from your partner is wankerish!

This has been really nice to read through. I'm a lone parent so I appreciate those of you saying how hard it must be. I have friends that just do not appreciate that there's only one me to be there for my kids and do the day to day stuff that they all get help with.
It's been lovely to read that others find it difficult too but you do just cope.

You just have to do it! I have been a single mum for a year now with an almost 4yr old DD, and a very full on full-time job.
I have good childcare, and her Dad has her 2nights midweek - I have recently had to ask him to have her on occasional weekends as I am just getting exhausted with no time out to myself, and sickness has been hard to deal with, but juggling is about the best I can say!!
Online shopping & a cleaner & someone to do my ironing are my life-savers!!!

I have been on both sides. I think what we should all wonder is how mums, (single or not) manage without support.

There are married mums in terrible situations and their husbands are no support at all and only make their lives harder. No friends, no help from parents. No help with night feeds, no help when ill. No sympathy because it all looks ok from the outside. Guilt for not being brave enough to leave and for choosing someone who turned out to be shit. You can be lonely sitting next to your DH on the sofa. Being told you're lucky when you feel anything but.

There are single mums in great set ups with lots of friends, a good job, an ex who wants to see and support the kids, and parents to help out in half term etc.

I admire women who manage without support. The ones who get their kids to school, go to work, pick them up from the childminder, do homework, cook dinner, bath the kids and get them to bed. Then spend the evening clearing up and then get into bed alone, knowing that they have to do the same tomorrow with no hope of a break at the weekend.

And do you know what, I also admire the mums who had a baby as a teenager, got a council flat, claimed the benefits, realised too late that maybe there was more to life than this and yet still get up every day and carry on being the best mums they can be even though it must feel like the whole world is sneering at them.

Yes, we cope because we have to. Like any other parent, you use the time and resources you have available to you to do the best for your DC.
And we're not one homogeneous bunch you know. There's so much variation in terms of how many kids you have, how much support you have, how much you earn etc etc.
I have a fairly easy ride to be fair. Despite being an arsehole when we split up (he left me for another woman) exP is a good dad and a good co-parent. He has DS two nights a week and does childcare other nights. Crucially, I have someone that I can discuss issues around DS with someone who knows and loves him like I do and I know that's something a lot of single parents miss out on. I also have good family support. I have a part time job that pays well enough. DS is a fairly easy going child with no health issues or special needs and I am mostly healthy myself.

One of the hardest bits is the loneliness. I found the evenings tough at first when DS was small and went to bed earlier and I had no one to talk to. No one to share a "DS did a funny thing today!" story with. And going out to the park or for days out, just the two of us, and seeing "proper" families with mums and dads etc used to really sting...but I couldn't give a flying fuck about that now!
It's also tough being the person who does EVERYTHING. All the cooking, housework, DIY, admin...all down to me. I am very organised (partly by nature and partly because I have to be!) and somehow or other most things get done.
And I miss DS when he's with his dad. Some of my married friends are jealous of my childfree time and while I do usually enjoy it, I didn't choose not to see my child every other weekend

I do like the independence. I like being able to date! I now have a lovely boyfriend who I've been seeing for 4 months or so and we are having a great time going out a lot, and doing lots of fun thing. When I was with exP, we got stuck in a rut, like lots of parents of small children I think, and rarely went out.

And I like the relationship I have with DS. We're our own little family and we're very close.

So yeah, it has it's ups and downs but most people's lives do surely? A parent with a child with special needs, or lots of children, or with health problems, or an abusive partner or any numer of other things is going to have a much harder time of it.

Happytobehomely, so true ive been a single mum for 18 years even though ive been married for 10 years.
I got marrued when my dd was 7 yo.

I can honestly say i have done it all alone and days out with stbexh were worse than being alone as he is abusive and often made our lives hell.

Im just 7 weeks from when he tried to kill me at Xmas and im so scared of not being married but ive been doing it all myself anyway and suffering emotional financial then physical abuse.

I have always made the decisions but under the shadow of what he wanted and expected, my role was to do it all and run around after him and nothing was ever good enough.

I wont miss that, but it sounds stupid but i will miss saying im married even if i wasnt properly married for a long time as most would consider a partnership and marriage to be.

Now a single mum and soon to be divorced, i know i can do it and i know its better than being abused rather than remaining married but still im scared.

So scared.
to you all out there in all situations, getting through every day and carrying on for your children.

Worked FT and lone parent from 6mths old. 21 years down the line and DC is forever telling me what a wonderful mum I am and she is so grateful for sacrifices and stuff to give her a fab childhood.

Hardest things were coming home from work, collecting baby and all the paraphernalia, getting in and once she was in bed that was it, I was house-bound. I didn't live near family so if I didn't remember to pick up milk there was no cuppa that sort of thing. I remember getting AF and realised I had no supplies in the bathroom, I just cried and cried (hormonal!)

What I also found hard was making decisions without somebody to re-assure me I was doing the right thing.
The buck stopped with me and I used to question myself all the time. I just would have loved somebody to take the responsibility off me for a while.

The guilt was bad for working full time but I had to pay mortgage etc. I battered the credit cards for holidays, birthday's, school uniforms.

The good thing though is we have a really close relationship and I have a DD who appreciates everything.

OK I might get flamed.

Fwiw, I've been a single mum for a brief time...

I actually think family support is more vital to this issue than anything else.

I have a friend who is a single mum. Dad is involved though. She has a huge support network. All grandparents involved and helpful. She is able to work as they are willing to do school runs/holiday cover. She can go on holiday with friends if she feels like it, as her DC can stay with family. She has many nights out as always has willing babysitters.

Conversely I have a friend who is married but has no family support. Her and her husband haven't had an evening out together for years. They never get a break. Now of course I know they have each other to take it turns with looking after DC etc.

I'm just saying I actually think family support is often a more useful thing to have than a partner sometimes.

Get what you're trying to say formerbabe but some of us have neither.

Get what you're trying to say formerbabe but some of us have neither

I have been in that situation...Though only for a short while.

Of course, I concede there is nothing harder than being a single mum with no family support.

Just making the point that being a single mum doesn't necessarily mean you get no help.

In all honesty it is far easier than having someone about who does fuck all. I know where I am when it's just me and ds.

When I discovered I was pregnant I knew I'd be a single parent from the get go. You make decisions thinking you know what it would be like. I thought I'd struggle with not having time to myself and the actual child caring side of things but actually those are the parts that I've found relatively easy. The lack of emotional support and financial worrying I have is the worse part. I give everything to be the best parent I can be and after that there is rarely anything else left for me. I'm sometimes ok but I also have periods of depression that I never had before being a single parent. Also the fact that no one really understands is difficult too. My friends are all married etc and I guess on the outside I make it look easy.

I am a lone parent. Two sons and work full time. Its fine. I much prefer it actually.