To wonder how single mums do it??

[Mammylamb]

Not being goady, honestly. But how can single mums cope on their own?? Especially those who are working outside the house too??? Full of admiration, but genuinely think I would struggle, but quite clearly many women successfully manage it

That's it exactly madcatwoman - the loneliness is the kicker, along with the responsibility of having everything on your shoulders, but you buckle up and get on with it, because what else can you do? Yes, I do get CTC and a tiny amount of WTC but also I pay my own way on everything, do my own repairs and collapse into bed at night. My MH went into decline until I finally broke, but counselling, good friends and support from family saw me through. I believe my dd has a deeper sense of the world around her than many of her classmates because of our experiences, and we have an amazing relationship.

Still wish I'd got my happy ever after though

My mum brough my db and I up on her own - NO contact with my dad at all. She is an amazing woman, she worked full time and put my db and I both through uni. My gran helped out at times. I admire my mother so much and would be very happy to be half the woman she is.

Littlyfrog3 and skerry (who posts goadily on every thread they're on that I've seen) odfods! 2 goadies!

I've been a Lp since dd was 2. The end of my marriage meant I also lost my home pretty much instantly (ex was army). I was also a sahm at the time too. It ended due to ow but AFTER I left (and discovered mn and similar) I realised he had been very controlling and a bit financially abusive too.

It's really been just me and dd. Some have said it must have been 'easier' just having the one - but that's not necessarily true. Especially when she was little it meant I was the one that had to constantly occupy/entertain her, she's got no siblings (full ones anyway) to sound off to or have a laugh with. Her bff now (only since high school) is in almost exactly the same situation though she sees her dad a bit more. I was at uni when we split (had just started) so since I became a Lp I've

Gained a degree
Worked ft for several years
Then became sick/disabled myself (tbh I probably carried on working about 6 months longer than I should have)

Then about 2 years after that dd was also diagnosed with a disability.

So I'm on benefits - so fucking what! - I worked full time from I was 16 had dd, sahm for 2 years then ft work again after uni. So I've paid a decent wack of taxes (as did/does ex, at least half the benefits are to support dd).

Ex has never paid maintenance consistently - didn't pay at all the first 3 years which was the worst. Contact with dd has been ridiculously inconsistent too and I paid more than half for transport costs at this point he's not seen her for 5 years.

A few friends have helped with the odd but of babysitting but as for 'time off' I've not had any in 14 years! Oh except when I was in hospital for 2 weeks once. A friend had dd.

My family have been precious little help either.

It's really just me and dd against the world.

Sometimes it is really shit and really hard but I'm also proud that I've raised a kind, caring, responsible, independant and resilient young woman. We are close and talk about everything.

Kudos to those of you who left very violent/abusive exes that's really tough.

It's exhausting.

I'm fortunate that I have a well paid job, which makes things easier. Although I still constantly worry about losing it. (As their Dad pays no maintenance and choses not to see them either).

I have a 5 year old and 1 year old.

Day starts at 5am with the baby waking for a feed. We're then all up and out for 7am half the week for nursery and breakfast club drop offs. Other half of the week a nanny comes to the house. (Where the children are up and ready but at least relax at home and eat breakfast together before school run. Then after school play together. The baby gets 121 time and they get to spend more time together).

Hour commute to work. Work fulltime. Commute back. Collections. Home at 6.30, quickly get something for us to all eat. Then story and bed. Bath for the children just twice on weekdays due to time. Children in bed for 7.30/8pm.

Non bath nights do homework with older child, just reading school book before bed. Numeracy and projects have to wait until weekends.

Once the children are in bed I do the washing up, washing, iron clothes for next day. Sort bags etc. Some housework (that won't wake them). Then an hour or so working. Shower and relax.

I rarely go to bed before midnight.

Weekends I actually spend time with the children! and only do housework such as changing bedlinen and hoovering that I can't in the week when they're sleeping.

We make the most of weekends and spend all of it together. I cook (and make a batch of everything for in the week).

Food shopping is done after work quickly on the days the nanny looks after them where I save time with collections.

The worst part is the long days for the children. Along with any illness, taking time off unpaid parental leave (when one gets a sick bug for instance it's 2 days, usually followed closely by the other child). When I'm ill I still have to look after them of course which is harder work.

We have no family nearby and I don't go out.

There are days when I think I can't do it anymore.

I miss spending time with them in the week and toddler groups, older child having friends round etc.

Although I feel proud I can provide for them on my own and setting a good example being independent with career and work ethic.

We have holidays and days out. We own our house, car etc. Childcare bills paid. Children eat well and dressed appropriately.

(Other than a part time nanny we have a gardener as I have no time to keep on top of this as well).

Day in the life of

When I hear adults saying they are proud of their single mums for keeping it together, that is what motivates me to keep it all together.

I hope my ds's will be proud and feel they can face anything

Purple
You are my hero 😘

Iremembericod well said!

I hope so too because like many I suspect I worry I've let dd down by choosing such an idiot for a dad for her (though there was no indication there would be before we had her).

There are moments where I say I can't do this anymore (work 24hr week 2DCs), but then I do.

I agree the loneliness with being the parent at the start and end of the day is hard, but now I'm seeing someone actually fitting that in is also a challenge. My mum and ex's parents help with school runs. Otherwise I couldn't work, wouldn't have been able to keep house and DCs lives would have completely changed a year ago (ex left for OW).

Purple

I'm a single parent of 3 dc, aged 11, 5 and 4. I left their dad when my youngest was 11 months due to abuse. He sees them for 4 hours every fortnight during which I do the grocery shop and other interesting tasks like get the car washed or go to the bank. Such a break, huh? He also kindly pays nothing towards them.
I am a student midwife so i am at uni or placement 37 hours each week and what I find the hardest is relying on other people. I've always been fiercely independent and having to ask friends if the will collect/drop off your children is not the same as having a partner to help. I constantly feel I owe people favours I am not in a position to pay back.

Otherwise though, we are happy! We have our own little routine and I can always put the children's needs first without having to consider what mood he will be in. I love my own space and being able to relax in my home. I won't be considering another relationship, of course life would be easier with two incomes but I'm not willing to compromise my current happy life for the sake of more money.

Littlefrog it is not just the money side of things. You have a DH to DO things. When you are a single parent, it is just you doing everything. It is all on your shoulders. You clearly don't get it. Two pair of hands dealing with things is so much easier than just one.

I have been sp for 15 years. I have had 3 evenings in those 15 years childfree.

Mentally it is exhausting.

I think littlefrog might be my MIL. Did you have to walk 20 miles to school and 30 miles home in the the snow with no shoes too?

Beth,
I am so sorry for your past relationship, surely life feels a lot better with your lovey Dcs and away from a violent partner....well done for escaping the relationship.....

It is hard. But as pp say, better than living with a wanker!

I'm 14 years in to being a single mum of 2. It's very tiring and lonely and i spent years just wanting to get off the fucking treadmill, but i've worked and studied hard enough that we have a pretty ok life and i have 2 lovely kids.

Bang on littlefrog, i got childcare paid for so i could work full time, or work part time and study full time, go back to working full time and continue to study part time, earn enough to contribute to the economy, never had my rent paid, do live in a council house which the council maintains because they're my landlord.

So frog, you really shouldn't leap to conclusions. You strike me as a very unhoppy person. I don't mean to ribbit in.

I'm so happy to be rid of my ex husband...who was abusive and violent during my pregnancy that being a single parent is so much easier.
I'm fortunate to have a career that allows me to own my own home , car, pay for childcare, cleaner etc but it's the loneliness that's tough. I've moved out of London to be closer to family. ..which is great for my dd ...lots of people to love her...but means caring responsibility for an elderly parent on top of working full time too. Ex h doesn't pay maintenance or see dd...fine, he stole huge sums from.me so glad to be rid..
I actually think working line parents are penalised...eg I can only claim.one set of child care vouchers, not entitled to any benefits except my single person council tax benefit. One of my colleagues ...he and his wife both work part time so they are just under the 40% tax threshold. Each claim.then the full amount of childcare vouchers and then keep their child benefit.
It's the childcare vouchers bit that annoys me as I need to pay full time child care..
If I'd stayed married I could have worked part time. .

I find it easier to be a single mum than I did in a relationship.

Only myself and my son to deal with. No worrying about conflict, looking after a partner, asking permission to do things.

I enjoy my life and don't even find it hard in the slightest.

I get two days every fortnight off from my son where I do what I like. This I enjoy greatly.

What I can't understand is how non single mums who never get a night off from their children survive. I would hate that more than anything!

And I qualified as a social worker, did two years of gruelling study, attended 20 interviews, applied for and moved into a council house, brought up my son and learnt to drive all in the space of 4 years.

Being a single mum has made me so proud of myself and given me so much confidence I would never have normally had.

My brother is in an abusive marriage. I'd rather be single any day!

I have so much respect for single parents since suddenly finding myself in that position after DH died. I have only done it for 2 years and it is a treadmill of getting through the day then doing it again the next one. You just get on with it, as most people do with the circumstances life deals them. However the bloody sadness of your DC doing something lovely/funny and having no one to share that with is a killer. Also holidays, they are shit. I work full time in a very intensive job. We still go away a lot because we always have. But it is not restful when there is only one adult. Even before getting to the airport I am in meltdown because all the packing/organising/leaving work stuff in an ok state has to happen on top of the everyday stuff with no one else to help out. But we get there. Oh and my house usually only gets a proper clean on a Saturday but this has to fit between taxi duties!

Because there is no choice, you have to step up and get on with it. You just do, it's like any tricky situation that you have no choice about. Doing it alone can be better then doing it as a couple.

Totally agree with everyone saying better to be a single parent than in a bad/destructive relationship. I've done both - being single much easier.
And also it gets easier. Pretty tough 0-5 years old. Much easier 5-10. 10-18 is when you really get your life back (in my experience).

love to you, willstart

10 weeks today since DH died. Single bereaved parent of bereaved children is a tough gig. Mine are 7 and 5.

I keep going because they are my everything