To wonder how single mums do it??

[Mammylamb]

Not being goady, honestly. But how can single mums cope on their own?? Especially those who are working outside the house too??? Full of admiration, but genuinely think I would struggle, but quite clearly many women successfully manage it

Well some of us spent years with men who made our lives 100 times harder before we became single parents. For us it's a different kind of hard, but not necessarily harder. I have to do everything myself but I don't have anyone sucking the life out of me while I do it.

I found it easier to be a single parent, than be with an arsehole. Yes I could tell you my story, but nevertheless, you are better off on your own than in an unhappy relationship - kids or not

Being a single parent is hard work. But rewarding. The thing that used to get me was the feeling of responsibility. I used to lay in bed at night thinking that I was all my kids 'had' (as no family to speak of) and if anything happened to me, what would become of them - it was a massive fear.

Betterfaster yes it's much easier for couples to work part time. I know several who do so and are planning on continuing to do so until their kids grow up. I work more hours myself than each couple does between them but as well as getting plenty of handouts they also have fewer outgoings because due to part time working and a bit of help from grandparents they have no childcare expenses either.

Don't get me wrong, I'd do the same if I were in their position, but this myth of the single parent scrounger is particularly hard to swallow when there are loads of couples who will happily work part time and claim top ups for going on twenty years at a stretch.

Thatscott, please be kind to yourself. Whilst no one can ever know what another person is going through unfortunately I think I can say with confidence the loss of a life partner is something most people do not understand unless they have lived it. What I am sure of is that you are stronger than you think and you will do your best for your children. It is very early days and actually a day at a time (whilst infuriating) is actually good advice. Looking further into the future is terrifying. I found mumsnet when DH died, did not post until very recently, it just offered distraction. So never worked out the sending flowers, pm me stuff. However I really am sending you all my kindest thoughts. I would not wish what you are going through on anybody.

So sorry to hear that thatscottish. X

Work ft with 2 dcs. What I find hard is

1. The poverty. Very hard to get by on one income no matter how high the wage. I'm on a good salary but still have to scrimp and save every month especially after £1k in daycare fees.

1. Having no help. Family live away and no close friends. Sometimes you just need a hand and he lack of assistance is tough.

1. Feeling increasingly alienated from other moms who aren't single. Women I know who have it easy because they've latched onto men and benefit from someone else's income or women at work with one child and a husband who moan about how hey can't cope and must drop tom2 days/week or leave their job. A bit hard to empathise when one is plugging away FT without any help.

It feels as if some of these people exist in another universe and it can feel very hard to connect with them. My dcs are at private school and I feel like an alien in comparison with most of the moms there. That is the thing no one tells you - that you will feel very alone in lots of different ways.

1. Becoming hard - as per my post above I can few myself becoming tough and steely. Sometimes good but often I feel very changed in a bad way.

I think for some reason people believe the myth of a single Mum got pregnant to get a council flat and live off benefits. Now where this stupid myth came from I don't know but if those touting it would stop and think a moment they'd realise how ridiculous it is and stop upsetting others.

I did it and found it easier than living with a partner.

The place stays tidy when you're at work.
Nobody argues with your parenting.
If you have left an abusive relationship it feels amazing setting your own rules, living to your own rhythm etc.

Windy gallows. ...
Yes! I feel very alienated from the it's so hard I must go part time crowd..
I've worked over the last 20 years with a number of single mum's. ..they have all been full time though
Even with childcare costs it is profitable for me to work....and I feel I should be prioritising my daughters financial security. She's only 18 months now but I am.likely to send her to private school (certainly secondary ), and already see I won't have much in common with the other mums..
I already see this with the mum's I met on mat leave. ..different world when you are basically relying on your husbands income..
I'm glad of my independence but it would be easier with 2 salaries coming in...

windygallows genuinely curious when you talk about poverty and also private school. Do you mean that you pay school fees but also consider yourself to be living in poverty?

As a single parent , hate posts like this so annoying

It's like oh poor you how do you manage you poor poor thing

It is a bit. I mean what else can we do? Win the lottery? Shack up with someone unsuitable regardless of our dcs wellbeing?

cantmakeme yes I realise my post sounded odd. My parents b generously pay for private school something I wasn't going to turn down.

But they are otherwise totally not involved and have little understanding of how much I struggle financial and otherwise.

So it is a bit odd being poor single parent in a school full of children who mostly come from wealthy families although not all.

I would not claim poverty if I was paying school fees myself.

single parent of 3 for nearly 9 years. I don't have support around me I am not in the UK, moved with ex who then left, couldn't return to the UK with dc as they were considered residents of country, I could return to the UK but would loose my dc. Its been a constant stress and battle since, no financial support from ex, trying to work in a country where I didn't speak the language, a huge battle for benefits, and now my small business is starting to be sucessful along comes brexit, I may well loose my right to be here. I just feel frightened all the time, worry if Im a good mother, worry how this is affecting my dc, having a tired stressed and sad mum, sad at the simple things I cant do with them because I cant spare the money, and the fact they dont have a father who loves them as much as I do, nobody to share the funny and great things they do. It has had an affect on my health and confidence.

Understood windygallows - great that your children are benefitting from private education.

Wait, I'm supposed to get free rent and not pay any council tax?! Why the fuck didn't anyone tell me? I'll be sure to tell my friends who have two sets of income and two people to split childcare and household tasks how much easier my life is than theirs

thatscottishconfection I'm so sorry for your loss. We lost dh when my dc were 6 and 3, my older one has asd and learning disability.
It's the hardest thing in the world, but I promise, over time, you will find it easier to cope.
Crocus is a charity that helps bereaved children- I don't know how many branches they have, but it might be worth seeing if there's one local to you - they really helped my younger dc.

Well. I survived.

Cos you have to.

That's the bottom line.

In many ways better to be free.... without a self-indulged wanker in your life

But thank you. Not often we get credit for trying to hold it altogether....

I'd also add to WindyGallows list about employers too - currently working under a boss who hates the fact that I have to be out of the office at a set time to pick up the kids, or have to be off if theyre sick because as a single parent with no family support there is nobody else able to take up the slack. Same boss freely admits his wife 'did all the childcare' when his own kids were growing up.

Seems you can have a FT job, work your socks off and it still not be enough (and from their perspective why try to retain someone like me when I can be pushed out to be replaced by a young man with no family to look after (or better yet with a wife to do it all for him).

or better yet with a wife to do it all for him

So true, witch.

wife work/kids work....

then he leaves her for a younger model

Women who are not financially independent are foolish. Cos you never know what life will bring.

I see it on here every day.

So, so true, witch.

One of my oldest friends has been left high and dry by a 'D'H who decided family life wasn't for him.

Three little ones to support.

She has been out of the workforce for a while thanks to the arrival of those three, but thank God she is qualified and experienced.

She has just had to relocate away from her immediate family for work, and is now single-handedly raising her three and working F/T.

Aren't men lucky that they can just walk away if they so decide. Society does not let women do this.

I quite like it.
I get to make my own rules.
I don't have to answer to anyone.
If I chose to do something, I just do.

I've got 13, 11 and 10 year olds. I study full time. I've got no family help, but good friends I can call on in a crisis and we do just fine. Other than being perpetually skint. Its not all doom and gloom!

It's hard as hell, especially when you have disabilities but you have little choice!

Can often go days without seeing or speaking to anyone...

Beth I'm in your situation now also. Pls feel free to PM me xx

I don't think anyone is saying poor you BLM2017. I used to feel patronised by these threads but I don't now. People are just acknowledging that it's hard. Better that than a thread full of comments like littlefrogs.