Page 2 | To wonder how single mums do it??

Mammylamb · 2017-02-23T19:58:40+00:00

Not being goady, honestly. But how can single mums cope on their own?? Especially those who are working outside the house too??? Full of admiration, but genuinely think I would struggle, but quite clearly many women successfully manage it

feelingdizzy · 23/02/2017 20:16

I have done it for last 13 years! No support from their Dad.You do it because there is no one else,I want the best for my kids, they need the money I earn and the love I give ,and you just have to find it.
You get good at being organised finding shortcuts,lowering your standards.
It can be really hard,but not as hard as living with their Dad whose cruelty and unkindness nearly destroyed us all. So I'm proud that I saved us,keeps me going in the tough times.

CoolCarrie · 23/02/2017 20:17

Oh Beth, I am sure things will get better. Try to contact Women's Aid for support and advice. You have taken a huge step and well done to you for that.

iremembericod · 23/02/2017 20:18

i think everyone has their own stresses though...single Mum or not.

I find being a single mum who works ft pretty ok, and in most ways I am choosing to remain this way because i have a bf of 4 years and I have no intention of 'pooling resources' and doing the whole moving in thing.

I don't think I deserve any admiration. I think the main reason it can be hard is poverty and yes although that can be the case if you are partnered, it is statistically more common for single mums. I'm not in poverty so I'm just busy really. Oh but yeah with a messy house 😀

WildBelle · 23/02/2017 20:20

Yep because there is no other choice. I've been a single parent for most of the last 12 years. It's just becomes your normality, and you get on with it. I'm single parent to 2 dc (including one who is NC with her father so I have her 100% of the time). I run a business and am in the final year of a full time degree at a top university. I have PTSD after an extremely abusive relationship with youngest DC's dad. I regularly get told
I'm 'amazing' for managing all this but I don't feel amazing...I'm just existing really and corners get cut, a lot. Naps...whenever possible, that's my secret!

Zoflorabore · 23/02/2017 20:23

Sorry to hear that Beth :(

I have been in a similar situation with a 2 yr old who's now almost 14 and I've never forgot that feeling of utter despair.

In time, things do get better, you no longer have to live in fear and that's priceless.

I often look back to those times and wonder how on earth I did it, my parents were going through a messy divorce and my health wasn't good but I took one day at a time and here I am now in a much better place, it's bloody hard and your children will be your reason for getting up each morning, pls seek as much advice as you can, you will get through it slowly but surely and I wish you all the luck in the world

EveryoneLovesDogs · 23/02/2017 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Enb76 · 23/02/2017 20:24

You cope because there is no alternative. Also, mostly it isn't hard but when it is hard, it's awful. Currently my house is an absolute tip because it's winter and my energy and tolerance is low for shit work but come the longer days and I'll be on top of everything again. It helps that my child is totally awesome and I have enough money. It can be lonely but less lonely than being in a rubbish relationship.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 23/02/2017 20:25

You just crack on with it, same as 2 parent families do. Financially it's crap, only having one wage, but a lot of families have a sahp so not too different I suppose. The only time I really feel it is when I'm ill and there's no one to take over while I rest - mind you, judging by the sheer amount of threads on here discussing the matter I'm not sure having a partner would make much of a difference there either

megletthesecond · 23/02/2017 20:26

yy at it being to the expense of my mental and physical health. I've uncovered a heart condition due to the stress, have got damage from IBS and am a shell of depression and anxiety.

Kids school reports are stellar though. As long as I don't keel over before I can get them to Uni they'll be fine.

iremembericod · 23/02/2017 20:26

I'm sorry you are feeling so down with it Beth.

You are slap bang in the middle of a big change...actually a few changes...new baby too!

Be kind to yourself and congratulate your epic ness every night before you go to bed. You'll make it through

ghostyslovesheets · 23/02/2017 20:29

oh Beth

you just get on with it really - what choice do you have?

single parent to 3 - working FT - not saying it's not exhausting but bills don't pay themselves

Nicky42 · 23/02/2017 20:30

I have two kids and work full time...it's hard work but then again I can go at my own pace and don't have to answer to anyone else! Plus, I do get time off when the kids are with their Dad every other weekend.

I keep the house in order by tidying as I go, making sure it's not full of unnecessary clutter etc. My kids are 10 and 11 so that helps as they can sort their own shower/bath/breakfast and so on, while I get on with other stuff.

JaceLancs · 23/02/2017 20:30

Ex DH left 20 years ago for OW DD was 5 and DS nearly 4
I'm proud that I've kept a roof over our heads, got them through university into good jobs and built a successful career for myself - but yes it was hard work
Even now it's very tiring as I am the decision maker, main earner and tend to do more diy, gardening etc - we all muck in for other chores
I'm still struggling financially and will have virtually no pension
These days I also have elderly parents to consider
I didn't really have any other options and little family support as when DC were younger my parents worked n then retired abroad - so I just had to get on with it

mummyguts · 23/02/2017 20:33

i've been a single mum since i was about 5 months pregnant, its much easier being single and not having to deal with a useless partner, in my experience anyway, but then again i'm v lucky and have wonderfully supportive family so have it easier than many!

if i was still with my ex my life would be 10000x times harder but being a single mum isn't easy, it can be incedibly lonely but it is nice not to have to 'share' DD with anyone!

littlefrog3 · 23/02/2017 20:36

I never wonder this. Don't see how their life is any harder.

For many years me and DH struggled with our 2 (now adult) children, with no tax credits, no childminding fees paid, high mortgage rates, no handouts, no nothing....whilst many of the kids at our daughters school had single mums who had their rent paid, repairs done on tap, free school meals, free school trips, free council tax, etc etc......

I wonder if they ever wondered how WE coped?

planof · 23/02/2017 20:39

I really struggled as a single parent. I was a teenager when I got pregnant and had no idea how to look after a house, I'd only lived with my parents or in shared flats before. I had mental health problems from all the stress and the trauma from a DV relationship, so it wasn't possible to just get on with it - I had a breakdown really and couldn't look after myself for a while, let alone my DS . My parents were great though and were able to take on DS while I got treatment sorted. I wouldn't say it's true that women just plough through it because there's no other option - plenty of women do struggle and end up having family members or foster carers look after their dc, having mental breakdowns etc. The ones who do just get on with it are stronger and/or have much more support and resources behind them. DS is a teenager now and he's been living with me full time but I've had real problems juggling the housework, to the extent that social services have sent support workers around. I've never had to juggle work as well, thankfully, my mental health would collapse if I had that to contend with as well.

iremembericod · 23/02/2017 20:40

It is a bit all or nothing for me. I get actual spare time for 2 nights a week. I don't know of any married mother who gets that.

2 whole freakin nights to do what I want. I have hobbies and a social life and everything.

I realise not the case for everyone in my position but ffs I sometimes think my life couldn't be better.

MothersRuinart · 23/02/2017 20:43

I have wondered about this so often! How do single parents cope! And also those who have special needs children. And those parents who themselves have a severe disability or life-changing or limiting illness. Also those who are caring for an ill partner on top of everything else.

There are so many amazing people coping, but i guess they really don't have any other choice! I wished this country was a bit fairer in terms of wealth distribution and essential support services were not being withdrawn, I'm sure they have been a lifeline to many.

skerrywind · 23/02/2017 20:43

Many single parents share the children with their ex, which means they often get a lot of time off.
My OH works away a lot, I get a lot less time to myself than my good friend who has her children only 4 days a week.

ghostyslovesheets · 23/02/2017 20:43

For many years me and DH struggled with our 2 (now adult) children, with no tax credits, no childminding fees paid, high mortgage rates, no handouts, no nothing....whilst many of the kids at our daughters school had single mums who had their rent paid, repairs done on tap, free school meals, free school trips, free council tax, etc etc

god there is always one GF isn't there - for many years I did the same - until my husband LEFT ME

Now I get a small amount of TC and CB - I pay my OWN MORTGAGE, my own repairs, my own council tax, pay for school meals and trips etc

It's such fun living on handouts

JoMalones · 23/02/2017 20:44

Because it's easier than living with a wanker who also makes the most mess, acts like the biggest child and makes you miserable! Routine also helps massively as I hate mess. It's lovely to be able to choose what you do every day, where you go, what you wear, what you watch on to, what you eat and how money is spent.

Clnz4fun · 23/02/2017 20:44

You learn to deal with your normal.
Iv been a mostly single parent for 4 yrs part of that With a not ideal dp but I can say for me it is much easier as a single parent than with an not up to standard or even abusive partner.

Sure I don't have anyone to take the reigns at any given moment but my time spent in my home and with my dc is solely decided by me.

I'm not seeking a dp now as I prefer the role as me and dc with no one else stepping on my toes. Maybe I will meet someone who can change my mind but until then it's not all that bad.

iremembericod · 23/02/2017 20:45

I don't have any handouts either...same as many people with partners.
Perhaps those people needed it huh?

Rainatnight · 23/02/2017 20:45

I have so much admiration. I hope that doesn't sound patronising. We've just adopted a baby and I've thought several times I couldn't do it alone.

SeeMyVest · 23/02/2017 20:47

You deal with what you're given and in the moment you don't even consider how you're managing (that was for me anyway...).
I did have some support from my mum though, she's a star ⭐️