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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Genuine AIBU here - am I being selfish?

172 replies

TooTiredTeacher · 23/02/2017 13:01

OK, name changed as this will be quite identifying.
Bit of background first of all...
I have been a SAHM for the past 8 years to my three children - the youngest of whom started school in September. I also started school in September - to do my teacher training. This is quite hard work with the teaching side of things, plus the PGCE side of it (masters assignments etc) and three fairly young children. I used to do quite a bit of running but now don't have much time because I live quite remotely and it's too dark to run in the evenings by the time I get home from school. I started back with my running club once a week in January and I'm really enjoying it and hoping to do some more running once the evenings are lighter again. I also enjoy doing running events - 10Ks, mini triathlons etc and about a year or so ago I decided to aim for 40 running/event medals before I hit the end of my 40th year (I'm about to turn 39). I'm on 22 at present.
I was chatting to some friends last night about the possibility of doing a team event again this year - a standard triathlon or an obstacle race (we did a Tough Mudder Half last year for charity, with my husband too). Us ladies are keen to do one but DH got into a grump because of all the weekends I've already filled up with events this year. I have got SIX events lined up so far, all of them very local, and two of those are with the kids too. I'm very keen to encourage the children to do running or tri events as it's good for them to exercise and they enjoy them.
I had a bit of a ding dong with DH last night about my 'unreasonable' behaviour.

OP posts:
SquidgeyMidgey · 23/02/2017 18:00

Sorry if I sounded harsh, I didn't mean to. Half term carnage at full volume all around me (the joys of teaching and having holidays with your darling children ;) ). When your NQT is done (and it might even be possible to do that part time) if you drop to part time teaching it's much more manageable with a family though you still need to cover all the parents evenings etc. You do need someone to support you if your DH can't, it's not a family-friendly job in the first couple of years.

wtffgs · 23/02/2017 18:03

Omg! I am a bit in awe of you tbh! Teacher training, 3 young kids and lots of running.

It sounds like a fantastic way to manage the horrendous stress levels. Do bear in mind that your workload will rocket as an NQT. You get better and quicker at planning and
assessment but you will have much more to do. Brew

EnormousTiger · 23/02/2017 18:37

Another option is hire a babysitter for these 4 half days if your husband is being so silly over them. He sounds rather difficult.

Original poster
TooTiredTeacher · 23/02/2017 19:00

He'd rather I spent the weekends cleaning the house than going off on my own doing running events (no matter how infrequent). The housework has suffered since I started my PGCE and I'm only just really keeping on top of the washing (barely). I don't see why the housework is my responsibility when we are both working full time now Hmm

OP posts:
Needastrongone · 23/02/2017 19:41

Like I say Teacher, my DH has MH issues and they can be difficult to manage and live with on a day to day basis.

But, MH issues don't excuse bad behaviour. And there is a difference. Sometimes it's a blurred line, sometimes not, housework I would suggest, is not.

Sometimes DH was resentful because he wasn't thinking clearly, but he never didn't look after the DC or pull his weight.

Food for thought.

Batteriesallgone · 23/02/2017 19:57

Sometimes my MH issues have been so bad DH has had to do the household whilst working full time. I wouldn't expect him to do all of it unless I was very ill, and if I was that ill he would hopefully be telling me I needed help. It sounds like you have a few issues all wound up together.

I'm alarmed by his attitude to the children tbh. Surely at 5 and over they are past the very young years where much of the care is drudgery, but before the difficult teenage years. This should be a perfect time for the family to all be enjoying each other. (I hope!! Not quite there yet with my young lot). Why doesn't he enjoy spending time with his kids?

Original poster
TooTiredTeacher · 23/02/2017 20:35

Because our youngest is very hard work - never listens at all, runs off etc etc. Shouts at full volume most of the time. DH is not very tolerant of children as he hates unpredictable and irrational behaviour, which pretty much all children display!
When they are all together they are horrible to one another, always bickering and bellowing at each other. I've had enough of them this half term but I've had them all on my own for most of the week. On their own they are all usually delightful!

OP posts:
Needastrongone · 23/02/2017 20:43

But that's called having DC Tired, and that's an excuse. Has your DH ever considered that he might be on the spectrum, which can be linked to MH issues?

SquidgeyMidgey · 23/02/2017 20:43

TooTiredTeacher, get the children to help with the housework. They can put their own mess away, they can fold towels and socks, they can do the dusting and empty the dishwasher.... I'm also going back to work for some peace next week!

Be kind to yourself, make sure you get some sleep, and enjoy your runs.

sailorcherries · 23/02/2017 20:48

40 medals by her 40th birthday, with 22 in the bag leaves 18 medals in two years, which is only roughly 5% of the total days available.

He is being completely unreasonable.

Batteriesallgone · 23/02/2017 20:57

OK what happened - he didn't want three but you forced his hand?

Or he happily created a family of three and as they've gotten older and more raucous he's decided it's ok to reject them?

Neither sounds great tbh. Sometimes children are annoying, but to be honest that can be filed under living with Other People. Doesn't he feel an obligation to be an active and involved parent regardless of how enjoyable he finds it?

I wouldnt be happy with his attitude. It's very selfish isn't it? Don't enjoy parenting? Boo hoo, the kids come first. You know what is often said to women with PND? - fake it til you make it.

Original poster
TooTiredTeacher · 23/02/2017 21:17

He didn't want three, no. Unfortunately, due to my autoimmune illness, DS managed to avoid 3 separate levels of contraception. DH wanted an abortion, I refused. I had a terrible pregnancy but birth was fine. First three months was horrendous as he never slept unless he was chest to chest with one of us and screamed the entire time he was awake. So we didn't have the best of starts with DS at all. Thing is, he's a real Daddy's boy and always wants to spend time with DH.

DH has never really been a 'fun' sort of person, he certainly wouldn't lark around with the kids or anything. I still hide from him when we go up to bed - I think it's hilarious and love playing hide and seek with the kids. DH laughs at me but would never do it himself, IYKWIM? I know some people aren't fun in that sort of way but it would be nice if he put in a bit of effort with the kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
TooTiredTeacher · 23/02/2017 21:20

Squidge - they do help with the housework. Eldest two unload and load the dishwasher. All of them do the dusting and they all put away their own folded laundry and tidy their own rooms.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 24/02/2017 19:04

Be careful, or you'll end up getting all the joy in life sapped out of you.

I couldn't live with a man who is so soul destroying & who doesn't take an active interest in his childrens lives. A man who doesn't actually want to be a parent.

I'd far, far rather be on my own with the children than live with someone who basically seems to resent their presence & thinks his wife should spend her time 'keeping house'.

Dorisswept · 25/02/2017 09:37

How old are they? You say they are doing a kids tri? I thought they could not do them til the year they turn 8?

ferriswheel · 25/02/2017 09:39

If you are completing your teacher training I promise you won't have time.

Dorisswept · 25/02/2017 09:41

And doing an adult tri is not a half day really . you need to be there to register and set out your transition well bvefore ,and then wait to collect everything when you are allowed at the end , strap your bike on the car etc

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 25/02/2017 11:01

I'm really surprised at the critical tone of this thread, quite a lot of posters nit picking their way through how many hours the Op might have "for herself" over what, an 18 month/2 year period?

The Op has set herself a personal target regarding her running; to achieve X over Y period. It's hardly set in stone and I imagine if that becomes difficult with her other commitments she can adapt to that. It's not wrong to have a hobby just because you're a wife and mother! Honestly, if you spent the same number of hours doing the grocery shop alone leaving him with the DC nobody would raise an eyebrow...

As regards the PGCE Op is working towards a qualification and job that will surely benefit the whole family. Diddums if DH feels it's eating into family time, it's no different to two parents working and lots of us have to do CPD in our own time too!

You're not selfish Op, you can have a family, career and shock,horror a hobby that interests you and helps keep you physically and mentally healthy. Whether he's currently depressed or not he sounds a bit of a stick in the mud. I suspect he was more comfortable with a SAHM and isn't adapting well to the fact your entire existence doesn't now revolve around home and family. Keep at it!

llangennith · 25/02/2017 11:24

You work and earn money so why are you saying your DH "won't let me buy a bike carrier" so you can all go on bike rides as a family?
Just go and buy one! Sounds more like he's stopping you buying one because then he'll have no excuse not to do a family activity.
Do you see a long term future with your DH?

NobodyKnowsTiddlyPom · 25/02/2017 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PussInCoutts · 25/02/2017 21:12

Yep your DH is lazy, resenting childcare.
YANBU.
exercise is so important. If you don't make time for exercise you have to make time for illness.
I applaud your running goals and so should your DH.

ThePiglet59 · 17/03/2017 13:35

"...I've told him lots of times to go and do stuff with his friends etc but he doesn't..."
Perhaps he wants a relationship?

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