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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Genuine AIBU here - am I being selfish?

172 replies

TooTiredTeacher · 23/02/2017 13:01

OK, name changed as this will be quite identifying.
Bit of background first of all...
I have been a SAHM for the past 8 years to my three children - the youngest of whom started school in September. I also started school in September - to do my teacher training. This is quite hard work with the teaching side of things, plus the PGCE side of it (masters assignments etc) and three fairly young children. I used to do quite a bit of running but now don't have much time because I live quite remotely and it's too dark to run in the evenings by the time I get home from school. I started back with my running club once a week in January and I'm really enjoying it and hoping to do some more running once the evenings are lighter again. I also enjoy doing running events - 10Ks, mini triathlons etc and about a year or so ago I decided to aim for 40 running/event medals before I hit the end of my 40th year (I'm about to turn 39). I'm on 22 at present.
I was chatting to some friends last night about the possibility of doing a team event again this year - a standard triathlon or an obstacle race (we did a Tough Mudder Half last year for charity, with my husband too). Us ladies are keen to do one but DH got into a grump because of all the weekends I've already filled up with events this year. I have got SIX events lined up so far, all of them very local, and two of those are with the kids too. I'm very keen to encourage the children to do running or tri events as it's good for them to exercise and they enjoy them.
I had a bit of a ding dong with DH last night about my 'unreasonable' behaviour.

OP posts:
minipie · 23/02/2017 13:26

Er... It's not just the 6 events. You've done 22 in the past year and want to do another 18 in the next year to reach your goal of 40 before 40. And there's the running club once a week, and "more often when it gets lighter".

Plus you have a busy job and masters assignments.

I'm wondering how much time you spend as a couple? Maybe that's his gripe? I may be projecting a bit as I have a DH who works long hours. I admit I get a bit annoyed when he wants to do sporting events at the weekend - because that's virtually the only time that I and the DC see him. Is that your scenario?

Hellmouth · 23/02/2017 13:27

YANBU or selfish at all, but I think your OH is. My DP is always trying to get me out of the house (so he can throw wild parties. Kidding :D)

Surreyblah · 23/02/2017 13:27

YABU: a PGCE is already a massive commitment and will leave very limited family/couple time. You prioritising running events and your 40 before 40 goal (rather than just running for fitness and slotting this into your week) is U IMO.

Isadora2007 · 23/02/2017 13:28

"He seems to resent me doing stuff without him but at the same time isn't interested in finding things we can do together. "

There is the issue in a nutshell. Stop focussing on the running and look at that. Have you said it to him? Or spent time talking about it? I don't think you are being unreasonable with your hobby or new job etc but it worries me you're already calling yourself "tootired" and you're not qualified yet and it sounds like he isn't very supportive.
It sounds tough. And you deserve to be supported by your husband and partner and I wonder why you're accepting that you're not?

Kinraddie · 23/02/2017 13:29

You are not selfish in the least. Please keep to your plans. A healthy and active mum is a great thing for your kids to see and have. Good luck.

Original poster
TooTiredTeacher · 23/02/2017 13:30

Blissx - yes I have thought about that - and as I said, two of those events are all of us running/competing. So actually, only 4 of those events are mine alone. They are all local - as in they are all in my local town - and none of them has cost more than £20. I would like to book another two or three for this year so that I am on track for my 40 medals by the end of next year but again, these would be local and might be whole family events too - such as the GoTri events that are very low cost and great for the kids. DH won't want to come and support us as he thinks it's a waste of time for him. He has to be dragged along to school sports day as it is.

OP posts:
LauraMipsum · 23/02/2017 13:30

Is it the manifestation of his wider worries that you are developing a life of your own training as a teacher after being a SAHM for so long, which he either doesn't want to say to you, or doesn't want to acknowledge to himself, because he knows that would be unreasonable?

unicornsIlovethem · 23/02/2017 13:30

Mini - she has to do 18 before the end of 2018 so in the next almost 2 years (13.15 post) and already has 22 - it doesn't say that those were in the last year so 9 events (in weekend time) per year for half a day or so, some of which the children can join in on.

FV45 · 23/02/2017 13:33

I am a runner (my username will mean something to you) and no I don't think you're being selfish.

It's my me time, something that's good for me, keeps me sane and I'm good at it, so yes the little one can come along to my races now and again. I'm in a club so he knows lots of people, lots have fun runs (and he wears his little club vest to those), he gets to eat cake.

Stick to your guns and get him to write down his grievances so he can see just how unreasonable he's being.

As as aside, I run when it's dark - there's no way I'd get the miles/headspace in otherwise.

Silverthorn · 23/02/2017 13:34

Sounds like dh has lost his mojo. Get him out running too.

Hissy · 23/02/2017 13:36

He hates it when he has to have them on his own for a day

Lets just put this out there.... Happy wife = happy kids = long/successful marriage.

If he is so bloody reluctant to actually DO the role of DAD that HE TOO signed up for, ask him what he'd actually do when you end up resenting him so much for not allowing you a few hours a week of YOU time that you end up leaving his arse, and he has to have them ON HIS OWN Every Other Weekend?

Given that he's never been supportive of you, I wonder what on earth were you thinking in marrying him in the first place?

Some men, and he sounds like one of them, resent the fact that Wifey wants her own life and is interested in growing and learning. OK while you are chained up at home with the kids he's not interested in raising, but heaven forfend you want to make a career or have interests..

Do not let this stop you from developing yourself.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 23/02/2017 13:36

YANBU

You are currently running once a week when the kids are in bed.

You have 6 events planned, two include the children.

4 mornings or afternoons he will need to commit to looking after his children.

WTF is unreasonable about that?

18 mornings or afternoons in almost two years? 18/416 what is unreasonable about that?

Original poster
TooTiredTeacher · 23/02/2017 13:36

No, those 22 have been over the course of three or four years.

I'm not tired of teaching, I'm tired of having my running questioned. I gave up horse riding, which I adored, because DH said it was too expensive a hobby and so I took up running which is relatively cheap - my running club is £15 a year and running I do at home is obviously free. It's only the events that cost a bit more, and I don't choose expensive ones (except Tough Mudder as that was a genuine head and heart challenge that we all did to raise money in memory of my FIL). If I did yoga classes or something once a week it would be more expensive than my event total.

OP posts:
Peppapogstillonaloop · 23/02/2017 13:37

Yanbu he sounds selfish and unsupportive. Do you actually enjoy spending time together? Do anything together?

Silverthorn · 23/02/2017 13:40

Sorry, that was a bit flippant. Yanbu, but dh sounds a bit, well, boring. What does he do with his spare time? Has he no hobbies at all.
The running doesn't take up much time. I go in the dark along main roads in winter a few times a week. An hour during kids teatime, when dh gets home. Then I help with bedtime. Dh has his own hobbies and we split the amount of time spent as evenly as possible.
A half day event once a month would not be unreasonable at all.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 23/02/2017 13:41

Sounds like he is jealous you are so motivated and pd off he has to step up as a parent. .
Don't feel guilty - you are being a great role model to your dc!!

RedAndYellowStripe · 23/02/2017 13:42

His issue is that he doesn't want to look after HIS children for even half a day.
I think he is also worried that you will do more and more of that so he will have more and more of parenting to do.

YANBU. Actually, in my books, if you were doing 12 events on your own each year (that's only half a day a month), it would still be very reasonnable.

S1lentAllTheseYears · 23/02/2017 13:42

Are you really only running once a week plus six half days at weekends?

If so, he is being u.

But surely you need more training than that? (I know nothing about running btw!)

Original poster
TooTiredTeacher · 23/02/2017 13:43

Silverthorn - he can't run, he has a bad back (crushed disc). He likes to cycle but he won't let us get a family cycle carrier so that we can go on family bike rides together. The youngest two are too young to be safe on a road yet.

We like to climb hills as a family and are currently on a mission (long term!) to climb all of the marilyns in our county. He especially likes this as it's free! We are not poor in the slightest but he's a real scrimp and saver and resents having to spend money on activities! He's not grumbling about the cost of my events though, it's mostly about having to watch his own kids. I even said I'd ask my mum if she could have them on the days I have events. He said that would make him happier so I really don't think it's the 'lack' of family time that he's resenting, it's the childcare.

OP posts:
Silverthorn · 23/02/2017 13:44

Life is too short not to do the things that make you happy. Your dh sounds like he does a good job of trying to put you down and keep you in your place.
What does he do?

RedAndYellowStripe · 23/02/2017 13:44

Btw if someone is selfish, it's him.
Because he expects you to do things that he likes but do none of the ones that you like just because he isn't keen on it.

Smilelikeyoufeelit · 23/02/2017 13:45

I'd say it all sounds very reasonable. I'm a teacher, spend 2 nights a week at running club, parkrun or volunteer with my children most weekends and then about once a month, take part in an organised event. I'd go as far to say as the running is what keeps me on top of my stresses and makes me a far more pleasant wife/mother. Written down, all of this seems a lot but then I remember that DH plays golfs and football which take up far more time. However, he's also happy to bring the kids to an event away and entertain them there for 2 hours or so until I'm done. Then we do the family stuff! What you are suggesting sounds more than reasonable. Once you get into full time teaching, you'll appreciate the thinking time.

Original poster
TooTiredTeacher · 23/02/2017 13:45

I would have to step up the training if I was bothered about my times but I just enjoy completing them for their own sake. At the moment I'm happy to pootle around and my running once a week at the moment is plenty for that.

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 23/02/2017 13:46

Are you really only running once a week plus six half days at weekends?

I did wonder that. The people I know that do this sort of thing certainly do a lot more.

You do say that you are looking to do more in the evenings when it gets lighter and you will have to if you want to do tri.

Redpony1 · 23/02/2017 13:46

YANBU

I run with a club, they pretty much all have youngish children and quite often the partners come along with the DC's to cheer on at races etc, making it a family morning or afternoon out cheering on their parent! Sometimes they even run the fun run before the main run with their DC's too.

You are not being selfish, you have a life too