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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Genuine AIBU here - am I being selfish?

172 replies

TooTiredTeacher · 23/02/2017 13:01

OK, name changed as this will be quite identifying.
Bit of background first of all...
I have been a SAHM for the past 8 years to my three children - the youngest of whom started school in September. I also started school in September - to do my teacher training. This is quite hard work with the teaching side of things, plus the PGCE side of it (masters assignments etc) and three fairly young children. I used to do quite a bit of running but now don't have much time because I live quite remotely and it's too dark to run in the evenings by the time I get home from school. I started back with my running club once a week in January and I'm really enjoying it and hoping to do some more running once the evenings are lighter again. I also enjoy doing running events - 10Ks, mini triathlons etc and about a year or so ago I decided to aim for 40 running/event medals before I hit the end of my 40th year (I'm about to turn 39). I'm on 22 at present.
I was chatting to some friends last night about the possibility of doing a team event again this year - a standard triathlon or an obstacle race (we did a Tough Mudder Half last year for charity, with my husband too). Us ladies are keen to do one but DH got into a grump because of all the weekends I've already filled up with events this year. I have got SIX events lined up so far, all of them very local, and two of those are with the kids too. I'm very keen to encourage the children to do running or tri events as it's good for them to exercise and they enjoy them.
I had a bit of a ding dong with DH last night about my 'unreasonable' behaviour.

OP posts:
ArcheryAnnie · 23/02/2017 16:23

He's the one being selfish, not you. It looks like when he says "family time" he means "you looking after the family time".

fifitrixibellethe1st · 23/02/2017 16:28

OP what, exactly, does this man bring to your relationship? All I'm seeing currently is a total lack of support and a man-child attitude to you and his children. I'm struggling to see how your life would be different if he wasn't around.

Batteriesallgone · 23/02/2017 16:34

You don't sound happy OP. Nor does he.

You also don't sound like you like him very much.

When is the last time you had a big discussion about your family and relationship? Are you on the same page at all anymore?

WhatIsWrongWithMePlease · 23/02/2017 16:38

Op seriously get on the internet and book yourself some more events to make sure you hit your goal of 40 medals.

As far as I can see, you are working full time plus homework, bringing up kids ect why shouldn't you go out running ONCE a week?! Seriously if you've got the time, go out more often. Get a head torch if it's dark.

I can not understand how no one is understanding your time scales. The OP wants to do 18 events in 2 years. She wants a few hours for her events, less than once a month. Hardly much to ask for.

I run. I'm rubbish at it but I enjoy it. I go out 3 times a week (at least 2 of those times will be in the evening) I also go to an exercise class once a week in the evening plus I often work evenings and I normally go to the pub every other week. Your DH would hate me Grin

Good luck op and well done for your amazing achievements so far. You should be really proud of yourself.

Original poster
TooTiredTeacher · 23/02/2017 16:39

Oh I'm making him out to be some sort of tyrant on here, which I'm not really meaning to. He's changed a lot since we had kids, and not for the better. I think he's actually depressed but refuses to go to the doctors because he did that some years ago and didn't like the meds they gave him. I suggested that different ones might help but he's not interested. When the kids aren't around he's a completely different person, which is very sad, I know. It's been a very stressful last 6 or 7 years - deaths of both our fathers, my illness, a very challenging youngest child etc. Running clears my head so I think it's good for me mentally as well as physically. I wish he could find something like that for himself that he can do that won't affect his back.

He was going to the gym three times a week but has stopped doing this now too. Perhaps I should lock him out each evening until he's been? Shock

OP posts:
Blastandtroph · 23/02/2017 16:40

With respect, I wonder if your DH is depressed. Lots of signs from what you say OP. Perhaps you could arrange a meal or drink out together one evening and explore what is at the route of his concerns. I suspect he may feel he is losing you.

WhatIsWrongWithMePlease · 23/02/2017 16:44

Do you think you could convince him to go back to the gym even just once a week?

Original poster
TooTiredTeacher · 23/02/2017 16:45

Batteries, I probably don't like him much at the moment. I do still love him though and I know that he works very hard to keep the roof over our heads and food on our table. He just doesn't seem to see that the children need emotional input too, and an interest in their lives.

We do frequently have discussions about us and the family. We know we're not in a great place at the moment but are hoping it will pass. I don't need to work financially but I do need to work in terms of my sanity. I have said that I'd be happy to do supply or part time once I've got my NQT year out of the way.

OP posts:
WhatIsWrongWithMePlease · 23/02/2017 16:45

Once he's been once he will probably remember how much he used to enjoy ut

Original poster
TooTiredTeacher · 23/02/2017 16:47

Blast - you cross posted with me. I agree. We went out for lunch last weekend whilst the kids were with my mum, it was lovely and good to spend time together. However, I also need time alone, with no-one. This is my running time. I don't think he sees that.

OP posts:
Blastandtroph · 23/02/2017 16:49

And you need to protect that 'me' time too, especially if he is low. Good luck with the rest of your studies and your events.

Frouby · 23/02/2017 16:56

Simple answer is YANBU.

Simple solution. Ltb. He can have the dcs eow and 1 night after school. Loads more time for you to run then.

And if my DP told me to ask my mum to babysit because he couldn't be arsed to I would tell him to ring her himself and ask and explain why.

We have ponies. The dcs compete atm but next year I hope to too with my pony. I won't be doing a lot, at the most half a dozen over the year. But if dp moans I would be having very strong words.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 23/02/2017 16:58

YADNBU. No way is that tiny amount of time being unreasonable. Really up to a whole day on a weekend once a month every month plus 2 full evenings a week wouldn't be unreasonable which is what my DH does on his sports, (not including the ones he goes to and takes both DC with him either).
I am happy that he has stuff to do. I am happy doing more home-based hobbies as that's what I choose, but he would be just as happy if I took time to do the equivalent. My feeling is as a PP suggested that he is struggling to accept you are no longer a SAHM providing all those little freedoms that comes with for the WOH parent -never having to give a passing thought to childcare, household issues like boiler services magically happening etc.
Could you sit him down with a calendar and make a plan together? He may then realise what a tiny amount of time it is.

SenseiWoo · 23/02/2017 17:00

You being around more won't change how he is feeling. He needs to change how he is feeling.

ImperialBlether · 23/02/2017 17:01

You sound great and he sounds a misery tbh. It sounds as though he really could do with some exercise to lift his mood - is he able to do anything at all?

I wonder what he thinks the children will think of him when they're older. Does he ever consider that?

Hissy · 23/02/2017 17:05

The more I read the worse it gets OP.

He needs to get on board or get out of your way.

Seriously! He's no husband to you, no father to his kids. He's not a partner - the way he's cutting your life down he's more of a prison warden.

No marriage can (or should) survive that.

He made you give up horse riding and said it was because of cost.

He doesn't have that excuse with running, but he still wants to take it away from you.

He is mean. Mean hearted, mean spirited, miserly and begrudging.

Are you able to sleep with a man this joy sapping? I know I wouldn't be able to. His demeanour would kill my libido stone cold dead.

Original poster
TooTiredTeacher · 23/02/2017 17:12

frouby I'd love to have my own horse again and the kids are desperate for ponies but I know how much time they would take up, and Pony Club etc so I don't think that's going to happen any time soon - despite building stables for them a few years ago.

I think I'm going to have to make him go to the gym again and see if that helps matters.

OP posts:
AmysTiara · 23/02/2017 17:16

YANBU he sounds a right bellend.

Chathamhouserules · 23/02/2017 17:27

Yanbu. I think encouraging gym for him would be a great idea. I hope he goes for it. My dh got very down after our first. I encouraged him to start running. It really helped but now I never see him! Actually he does just a bit more than you and I fully support him because I see how much he enjoys it, he always tries to fit it round family commitments and he encourages me to take time for my own hobbies. Which I could do more of but that is my responsibility!

SquidgeyMidgey · 23/02/2017 17:38

YANBU OP, and I imagine you need the headspace that comes with running time.

The only thing I will add, and I speak as a mother and teacher, is that the workload in the NQT year is considerably more than the PGCE year. Your DH needs to man up and learn to take the strain if he's going to be married to a teacher.

Batteriesallgone · 23/02/2017 17:38

What does he say about being depressed?

What does he say when you point out he's an emotionally absent father?

If he's going to change the will has to be there. I've got a long history of MH problems, and it's true that exercise,

Needastrongone · 23/02/2017 17:39

Guy, come on, the OP's DH has MH issues. This can change behaviour substantially. I've lived with a DH who has bi-polar a long time. Unless you have, it's hard to judge so harshly.

However, my GP once told me, when I was on my knees trying to cope (DH wouldn't medicate at all for nearly 4 years), that MH issues isn't an excuse for bad behaviour. Only the OP can decide which is which.

And your DH has to need to want to make positive changes too and seek help.

Batteriesallgone · 23/02/2017 17:39

Oops posted too soon. It's true that exercise, diet etc has a big impact so pills aren't necessarily the answer. But he still needs to see the problem in order to adequately address it.

Original poster
TooTiredTeacher · 23/02/2017 17:44

He needs to exercise anyway. He's recently been for a health check up and has now got high BP and raised blood sugars (although not actually type II diabetes yet). He needs to lose about 2 stone, possibly 3, in order to be within a healthy BMI. I think that would also help his back pain, which would mean he'd be able to exercise even more.

OP posts:
hearyoume · 23/02/2017 17:45

You have 3 small children and are completing a PGCE. You NEED something for you. You need something to look forward to and to help clear your head. YANBU.