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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Genuine AIBU here - am I being selfish?

172 replies

TooTiredTeacher · 23/02/2017 13:01

OK, name changed as this will be quite identifying.
Bit of background first of all...
I have been a SAHM for the past 8 years to my three children - the youngest of whom started school in September. I also started school in September - to do my teacher training. This is quite hard work with the teaching side of things, plus the PGCE side of it (masters assignments etc) and three fairly young children. I used to do quite a bit of running but now don't have much time because I live quite remotely and it's too dark to run in the evenings by the time I get home from school. I started back with my running club once a week in January and I'm really enjoying it and hoping to do some more running once the evenings are lighter again. I also enjoy doing running events - 10Ks, mini triathlons etc and about a year or so ago I decided to aim for 40 running/event medals before I hit the end of my 40th year (I'm about to turn 39). I'm on 22 at present.
I was chatting to some friends last night about the possibility of doing a team event again this year - a standard triathlon or an obstacle race (we did a Tough Mudder Half last year for charity, with my husband too). Us ladies are keen to do one but DH got into a grump because of all the weekends I've already filled up with events this year. I have got SIX events lined up so far, all of them very local, and two of those are with the kids too. I'm very keen to encourage the children to do running or tri events as it's good for them to exercise and they enjoy them.
I had a bit of a ding dong with DH last night about my 'unreasonable' behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
TooTiredTeacher · 23/02/2017 14:29

He doesn't do any housework currently, I still do all of the washing, despite being out of the house from 7.30-5.30/6pm and I also do all of the children's club transportation (swimming, Brownies etc) as well as their homework with them. He is doing slightly more in terms of childcare in that on the days he works from home (maybe once or twice a week) he will pick them up from the bus and then carry on working whilst they entertain themselves until I get home. My mum does quite a few mornings and afternoons with them and they also go to after school club on the days when he's not going to be home until v late or is away overnight. I will do the pick ups and drop offs for that.
I wouldn't say he is doing an awful lot more than he used to but I am certainly doing an awful lot more, plus still trying to keep on top of washing/cleaning etc as much as possible (although we have agreed to get a cleaner).

OP posts:
Original poster
TooTiredTeacher · 23/02/2017 14:30

I do most of my school work in the evenings, when he is usually just sitting on the laptop or watching TV anyway. There is absolutely no impact on his life in terms of my school work because of this.

OP posts:
Lancelottie · 23/02/2017 14:33

Yep, you are selfishly making him feel guilty because he's an idle sod in comparison to your whizzy, athletic, domestic goddess self.

Keep running, possibly for the hills.

GallivantingWildebeest · 23/02/2017 14:34

Bloody hell, you deserve a medal (not a runnning one) for putting up with the number of posters who haven't RTFT - and also for putting up with your h!

So Not that he likes to spend time with the kids much anyway. He hates it when he has to have them on his own for a day

is the real issue. He doesn't like being a parent.

Why won't he 'let' you get a bike carrier? Too expensive?

He sounds like a right misery, dragging you down with him. Your life sounds full to bursting. You have a FT, full-on job and you're atill doing ALL the housework and most childcare? Shock

What does he contribite to your family and your happiness, OP? What do you enjoy doing together?

YADNBU in your expectations for the running events you have lined up. Not at all.

228agreenend · 23/02/2017 14:38

I'm wondering whether it's not just the running but everything else as well. I've had friends that have dome the PGCE and it's pretty full on, with the teaching practice, attending college, essays, preparing lessons etc. On top,of that, you are wanting to increase your running. Maybe he feels that you are pushing him and the family aside.

How would mumsnet react if someone someone came on here saying that dh has just started doing a pgce, is always writing essays, preparing lessons etc, and has now resumed his running hobby, and on top,of,that wants to do mini-marathons at the weekends. He''s already booked six this year. Just a thought,

gandalf456 · 23/02/2017 14:39

Keep doing it it's a one off and he would if he could. As for the teacher training, he'll benefit from the better income

NewPuppyMum · 23/02/2017 14:40

It doesn't really matter how many weekends you'd like to do something for yourself or what you want to do. It really really matters that you have a husband who doesn't want to spend time with his children alone.

TriJo · 23/02/2017 14:41

YANBU, he's a selfish twat.

I run 4-5 times a week and take our son to Parkrun in the running buggy while DH is in work on Saturday morning, wouldn't have it any other way. I'm aiming for 40 Parkruns just this year...

Original poster
TooTiredTeacher · 23/02/2017 14:43

*On top,of that, you are wanting to increase your running. Maybe he feels that you are pushing him and the family aside.

How would mumsnet react if someone someone came on here saying that dh has just started doing a pgce, is always writing essays, preparing lessons etc*

I'm not increasing my running - before September I was running four times a week. Since I started my PGCE I have been running once a week (and only since Jan) because of the dark nights and having extra planning to do.

I also mentioned above that I'm not spending all my time planning, essay writing etc, as I do this in the evening when the children are in bed and DH is watching TV as he always does. As far as DH and the kids are concerned, there has been zero impact on them in the evenings, other than the fact that I am not home until tea time. The administration side of things hasn't made any difference to our evenings AT ALL.

OP posts:
228agreenend · 23/02/2017 14:45

Okay, sorry.

reuset · 23/02/2017 14:45

God no, 6 weekends is not unreasonable or selfish, even in addition to the regular running nights. What usually happens on other weekends? Do the children have activities he'd have to take them to alone. I don't understand what his problem is.

minipie · 23/02/2017 14:47

Apologies OP, I got the maths wrong. However, 40 events is still quite a lot of weekend time, even spread over 3/4 years rather than 2 years. Especially if it comes on top of Monday evenings running club, further evenings running when it gets lighter, and presumably quite a few hours at evenings/weekends doing your masters assignments. Doesn't leave much time for you as a couple/family. Especially if he also went off and did a hobby the same amount of time.

DH is always telling me I should go and do things by myself at the weekends (so that he can justify doing the same...). But if we both spent lots of time doing our hobbies, we'd have very little time as a couple or family, due to DH's long hours. So given his hours, I don't think either of us should have lots of hobby time - family time comes first.

Re he hates it when he has to have them on his own for a day I want to know what happens when you are both at home. Do you do most of the childcare (ie he leaves you to it and does his own thing), or do you share it equally? If you do most of the childcare when you are both home then he is B totally U. However if you tend to share it then I'm not so sure.

Original poster
TooTiredTeacher · 23/02/2017 14:48

Bold fail in my above post!

I take my eldest two to Parkrun too - whilst DH takes the youngest to mini-rugby. They are starting a junior event here next Sunday, which all three kids are keen to do but I doubt DH will come and cheer them on, which will be sad for them I think.

If I don't run either (having already given up horse riding) then what CAN I do? Surely it's not fair for me to have no hobby/sport at all? I have an autoimmune disease (two actually) and I think exercise is really important in trying to keep it at bay. If I didn't do any exercise then I think I'd make myself even more poorly.

OP posts:
minipie · 23/02/2017 14:48

DH is watching TV as he always does. As far as DH and the kids are concerned, there has been zero impact on them in the evenings

There is a difference between watching TV on your own and watching TV curled up with your wife. He may be missing you.

Honeybee79 · 23/02/2017 14:48

Yanbu. It really isn't that much to ask at all, OP.

In fact, it makes me feel v guilty about my fitness commitments tho as DH says, it's cheaper than therapy so he doesn't object! Blush

minipie · 23/02/2017 14:49

No-one's suggesting you don't run. But why all the events/medals?

Areyoufree · 23/02/2017 14:49

YANBU. I run races too - the exercise keeps me sane (plus I like the positive example it sets my kids, but that's not why I do it). My husband and I would love more time alone together, but that's just not possible with small kids, so we take our down time apart for now. We both need some time away from the kids, doing activities that aren't parenting focused.

NewPuppyMum · 23/02/2017 14:53

Aww diddums. He's missing you. Fuck that. He could say I miss our evenings snuggling up can we plan for that twice a week lovely wifey. He doesn't want to look after his kids on his own, nor go to cheer them on at their hobby. What IS his point of existence as your husband and their father?

SenseiWoo · 23/02/2017 14:54

He hates it when he has to have them on his own for a day.
This. Plus everything Lancelottie said.

If he is missing you, as some posters have suggesteed, why can't he just say so? It soundss more as though he is desperate to avoid having to look after his own children on his own. Which is desperately sad. I think you should call him on it (however tactfully).

Keep running, and keep encouraging the children in their activities.

Original poster
TooTiredTeacher · 23/02/2017 14:55

Nope, he watches TV next to me but I don't really watch TV, never have, so I tend to go on the internet on my laptop next to him instead. This hasn't changed except that I'm now spending lots more time on places like TES, Twinkl, Google Scholar and Pinterest rather than FB/mumsnet etc.

I wanted to set myself a goal minipie as I thought it would encourage me to keep running and run for longer. Having a goal makes me more focused and will give me a sense of achievement if I manage to complete it. Why does anyone do events/race/compete?

OP posts:
ceepeeree · 23/02/2017 14:56

i can't believe the posters on here chastising you. Running is excellent for your mental and physical health, fulfilling a personal goal is excellent for your mental health: you are important and deserve time.

Including your kids is wonderful- I love doing sporty events with mine.

Keep it up and good luck with the 40 before 40

Blatherskite · 23/02/2017 14:59

I have only read the first page but wanted to post. I promise to catch up.

Just wanted to say that I think we may be married to the same man Op! I used to run, mostly in the days while everyone was at work or school but occasionally there was an event that I wanted to do at a weekend. DH made it so fecking miserable that I have all but quite running and I am miserable because I miss it. He's watched me run maybe once or twice.

Funnily enough, we're all travelling for 2 hours in a couple of weeks time to watch him do a half marathon

Penfold007 · 23/02/2017 15:03

It does seem as though you and H get equal 'hobby' time so no I don't think you are being unreasonable. I do think you have a 'D'H problem though, he's lazy and doesn't want to parent his own children.

MerryMarigold · 23/02/2017 15:03

It's a lot of change for him to take in, I think. You've been at home for 8 years, he's been the breadwinner and you've been dependent on him, without a huge amount of interest in your life (I am speaking for myself as a SAHM here). Now you are working, studying and still maintaining hobbies!! I feel challenged, let alone him! I think he's just struggling to realise how independent you are becoming, but either doesn't realise or can't articulate it. It's not the running per se, but what it represents about you (you are doing so much and achieving), about him (he's stuck in a rut, literally) and it's a bit hard for him. Give him a break. Allow him to feel that way, empathise a bit, but still keep going the way you are.

Lochan · 23/02/2017 15:06

In that case Too Tired I don't think you are being unreasonable.

One evening run per week and one afternoon per month isn't unreasonable.

As a separate issue - as you are both working full time he should be found half the house work.

It can be difficult to move the status quo though. Before I returned to work after my children started school I made it very clear to my DH that half the housework would now belong to him.

It's not fair otherwise.

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