Genuine AIBU here - am I being selfish?

[TooTiredTeacher]

OK, name changed as this will be quite identifying.
Bit of background first of all...
I have been a SAHM for the past 8 years to my three children - the youngest of whom started school in September. I also started school in September - to do my teacher training. This is quite hard work with the teaching side of things, plus the PGCE side of it (masters assignments etc) and three fairly young children. I used to do quite a bit of running but now don't have much time because I live quite remotely and it's too dark to run in the evenings by the time I get home from school. I started back with my running club once a week in January and I'm really enjoying it and hoping to do some more running once the evenings are lighter again. I also enjoy doing running events - 10Ks, mini triathlons etc and about a year or so ago I decided to aim for 40 running/event medals before I hit the end of my 40th year (I'm about to turn 39). I'm on 22 at present.
I was chatting to some friends last night about the possibility of doing a team event again this year - a standard triathlon or an obstacle race (we did a Tough Mudder Half last year for charity, with my husband too). Us ladies are keen to do one but DH got into a grump because of all the weekends I've already filled up with events this year. I have got SIX events lined up so far, all of them very local, and two of those are with the kids too. I'm very keen to encourage the children to do running or tri events as it's good for them to exercise and they enjoy them.
I had a bit of a ding dong with DH last night about my 'unreasonable' behaviour.

I think you might be right Marigold. I just wish he'd have an interest in the children's lives (and maybe mine). When I did my last 10K there were OHs and children hanging banners over the bridges we all ran under, cheering on their mums and dads, and my DH has only once stood at the finish line and cheered me home. He doesn't have the sort of hobbies that I can go along and support but if he did, then I'd be there every time!

You sound like a saint, and he sounds awful, selfish and boring.

Blatherskite, get those runners on and start training!

I'm on the fence here.
Having done a PgCE there wasn't time for much else and of course my family came first.
If you have expected a lot more off your dh ito picking up the slack for you, then maybe he wants some time with you.
However, you aren't asking for much with your running.
Can you not wait until you have completed your PgCE and you have more free time?

I got exactly the same impression as Marigold. It's a massive shift in your relationship dynamics.

Having done a PgCE there wasn't time for much else and of course my family came first

Which is why two of the events I have booked are for all of us. The other four events will take up a maximum of a morning, averaged out at one every three months. I don't run in the week except one evening, when the kids are in bed, so I don't miss out on family time then.

Also, he's not picking up the slack for me, he's picking up the slack for US. We are both working full time and so we both take on childcare duties regarding after school childcare duties. I'm not looking after the kids in the holidays for him, I'm looking after them for us. We are both the parents. I'd say that averaged out over the year, bearing in mind I have them all day on my own in the holidays, I do much more of the childcare than he does. During term time it's probably more like 55/45 (him/me).

YANBU. I run and my husband cycles. I don't go as often as I would like as I don't want to eat into family time too much but I do think my kids benefit from seeing their parents exercise - they know it is a lifelong thing and can see how much we benefit.

You say your DH cycles. When does he do it? Mine often goes early on a Sat or Sun morning but the time he is gone for is much longer than my runs take (cycling takes longer to gain the same 'benefit' as I'm sure you're aware). It's give and take though, we both get time to ourselves and to pursue our hobby. My guess is that it won't matter how competent your kids become on the road - he won't want to go on family cycles as they're really not challenging to a cyclist.

Please don't give it up - you deserve this time and it's good for you, both physically and mentally.

You haven't really answered the question about the PGCE. How much is it eating into family time? Does he perhaps feel low down on your list of priorities - after PGCE and running?

He should be encouraging you to keep fit. Fitness is essential for future health. Everyone should be doing a few hours of exercise each week!! Youre only one training run per week and 6 events. He seems quite tight. It's his choice if he's antisocial but why force your wife to be the same way?

He'll go out for an afternoon on the weekend if the weather is nice. He doesn't tend to do it in the week at the moment because it's too dark.
I got a bike of my own for Christmas but still haven't managed to get out on it yet!

YANBU, he is being a lazy father and trying to make you feel guilty, technically you could say, l am going to do my hobby one day each weekend, and you can do what you like the other day as l will be responsible for the kids. Just think about it

That's equal parenting

I don't think you are BU at all. My OH does choir once a week (out the whole evening), pilates once a week (back just a few minutes late). I don't really have so many "out of the house" hobbies but do go out for dinner with other NCT mums sometimes without him or occasionally go to a talk or something like that in the evening. I am therefore out quite a bit less than him BUT I don't resent it at all because (a) it is my choice (I know he would happily watch our DD if I wanted to do a weekly activity), (b) he is a great partner generally who really pulls his weight and (c) we all need our own outlets for creativity or sport or whatever helps us let off steam.

The fact that he doesn't want to go out or do activities on his own at the weekend doesn't mean you shouldn't be able to. If it was every weekend or all weekend I could understand his frustration, but half a day once a month is really not that much of an ask - particularly if you would be happy for him to do the same.

When does he do his RC plane activities? Is he disappearing into the shed at weekends to do it? In which case he is probably leaving you solo-parenting for at least as long as you are leaving him doing it?

wellitwouldbenice

I've answered that question several times. Evenings at home with him haven't changed in the slightest and I rarely bring work home to do at the weekend so the only discernible difference on our family life is that I am leaving in the mornings to do a full time job and not getting back until tea time, just like millions of other parents. Evenings with the children haven't changed at all and neither have the weekends.

He goes through phases where he doesn't do any for months and then will spend hours in the study or shed building. He isn't a member of his local club anymore though, which he'd go to for the afternoon once a fortnight when the weather was nicer.

Well your the first person ever to do a PGCE in 'office hours' and with it having zero impact on your life

Evenings at home with him haven't changed in the slightest

That can't be quite right, you say you run every Monday eve for 1.5 hours. And there's the PCGE coursework as well.

But the OP has always gone running, but has cut it down to 1 night

And instead of sitting next to her DH browsing the Internet (mumsnet), whilst he watches tele, she's now sitting next to him whilst doing her work.

So no difference in the impact on his life!

She says she used to do quite a bit of running - I took that to mean years ago - but could be wrong!

Today at 14:43

I'm not increasing my running - before September I was running four times a week. Since I started my PGCE I have been running once a week (and only since Jan) because of the dark nights and having extra planning to do.

So not that long ago

You're

This thread is so mean. OP you are doing a hobby which helps you to keep fit and healthy whilst also helping to keep a positive mindset. This surely has a much more positive effect on your family than you sitting at home being a maid to your husband. It does sound like your husband is in a rut - I am in one myself but my baby is only 9 months old so I know things will change. But as much as I can get peeved that my OH works late hours and does exercise every other day I just remind myself that he would support me if I were to do things myself and him doing exercise keeps him so much happier and healthy which is good for me too! Encourage your husband to participate and enjoy activities again. Get that bike rack and just go. You are setting a far better example for your kids and so many of these posters seem to think you should give up yourself entirely to keep your husband happy and guess what it probably wouldn't make him happy because if he is in a moody rut he would just find something else to grumble about.

I couldn't be with such a needy man.

He isn't doing 'childcare' whilst you are running, he is spending time with HIS children, exactly as you would if he had an event on or when he goes away.

Way back when i was single i went on dates with quite a few men who never had hobbies and did, well, nothing other than work, but considered liking going to the cinema or out for a meal occasionally as interests. None of them got a second date - i wanted someone equally as busy and committed as myself to avoid the very situation you are in. DP has fitness commitments before and after work everyday and i have equine commitments before & after work, we leave and get home at similar times - i couldn't deal with someone sat at home 'waiting' for me.

Your issue is your DP not wanting to spend time with his children, not your running commitments i think

Well your the first person ever to do a PGCE in 'office hours' and with it having zero impact on your life

I didn't say it had zero impact on my life. I said it had zero impact on my DH's or children's evenings. I spend evenings planning and writing essays, but I'd be sat on my laptop anyway once the kids are in bed so there's no difference in terms of DH or kids.

I was running 4 times a week up until last September, then that has cut down a lot whilst the evenings have been dark. I have always run (at least for the past 4 or 5 years) but never as little as I'm doing at the moment. I do have a treadmill but it's in the shed and it's really quite soul destroying running in there, not to mention the knee pain I get if I run on that more than a couple of times a month.

OP, I am a runner, as serious competitive runner, even when the DC were small. When the DC were small I used to train for marathons. DH didn't bring them to many events, as I used to train in the winter and it used to be cold and miserable for the DC waiting around at a race then.

DC did resent it occasionally (he has MH issues too, which is relevant to my own particular circumstances) but still supported me on the whole. And certainly took up more than his fair share of the childcare and household, despite working 70 plus hours a week.

I had to have a 6 year break due to injury. I've been back running about 6/8 months and training hard again. I race a lot. The DC are teens anyway. The difference in me is significant, I am like a new person. I am alive, which sounds wanky but running means that much to me. I am fit, have lost 1.5 stone, joined a new running club and met a whole bunch of new people. I buzz, I am alive. I am happy all the time, full of energy.

DH sees this, and would never take it away or resent it. Why would he, it benefits him?

In fact, it's inspired him to start training. (not running).

Go for it! You know he's being selfish, you don't need back up. What a great example you're setting your kids!