Genuine AIBU here - am I being selfish?

[TooTiredTeacher]

OK, name changed as this will be quite identifying.
Bit of background first of all...
I have been a SAHM for the past 8 years to my three children - the youngest of whom started school in September. I also started school in September - to do my teacher training. This is quite hard work with the teaching side of things, plus the PGCE side of it (masters assignments etc) and three fairly young children. I used to do quite a bit of running but now don't have much time because I live quite remotely and it's too dark to run in the evenings by the time I get home from school. I started back with my running club once a week in January and I'm really enjoying it and hoping to do some more running once the evenings are lighter again. I also enjoy doing running events - 10Ks, mini triathlons etc and about a year or so ago I decided to aim for 40 running/event medals before I hit the end of my 40th year (I'm about to turn 39). I'm on 22 at present.
I was chatting to some friends last night about the possibility of doing a team event again this year - a standard triathlon or an obstacle race (we did a Tough Mudder Half last year for charity, with my husband too). Us ladies are keen to do one but DH got into a grump because of all the weekends I've already filled up with events this year. I have got SIX events lined up so far, all of them very local, and two of those are with the kids too. I'm very keen to encourage the children to do running or tri events as it's good for them to exercise and they enjoy them.
I had a bit of a ding dong with DH last night about my 'unreasonable' behaviour.

I would tell him what I said to my own DH when he was moaning about something sismilar.
That he should stop moaning because as single father, he would have to look after his dcs on his own every other week. So half a day every so often is much easier than that.

I meant it too.

He does have hobbies - he enjoys RC aircraft building/flying but that's not particularly family friendly so he has to do it on his own. He also enjoys cycling, as I mentioned, but we can't go out on bike rides as a family because we can't transport 5 bikes and 5 people without a carrier and he won't let me buy one and the roads are not safe here for the two youngest.

Ah, x-post.
So he just doesn't want to be a parent. Fair enough.
They're not even small toddlers so it can't be that onerous to look after them.
Has he ever had them alone?

What does he want you all to be doing at the weekend, generally and for those six weekend days / half days in particular? What are his proposals for fun family things to do together? Will he be researching, discussing and booking them?

Is it that he works very long, demanding hours and finds it important to have weekend time at home to rest and re-charge?

Is 'pottering around at home, everyone doing their own thing, so long as no-one makes any demands upon him' his idea of a family weekend?

He sounds like Mr Negativity, trying to drag everyone else down to his level of boredom and dissatisfaction, really. That and expecting you to primarily responsible for the DCs all the time.

Yanbu at all.
That's hardly any.
His way just isn't how I'd want to live my life.
For context, dh takes a morning every single weekend to play golf, and I take an afternoon (ish) about 40 weeks in the year to do my sport.

YANBU. So many men seem to think childcare = women's work.

I'm a runner, I adore it. I've been in a similar position to you recently (DH annoyed I missed evening of his birthday because of a running event the next day).
It turned out I'd left him alone for another birthday and he hadn't forgotten it; basically it was a far wider issue.
We talked it through, I explained I needed it to be 'me', he agreed and from now on I'm going to let him know in advance (and never miss a birthday!).
Anyway, this about you not me! You are not being selfish! And talk to him to find out the real issue.

Really selfish of him. 2-3 times a year I go away for a long weekend with my friends and my dh has no problem looking after our 2 year old ds. Very, very selfish of your dh especially as you are involving the whole family in your events anyway. They are not just your kids. He shouldn't see it as babysitting, looking after his own kids!

He just doesn't want to look after HIS kids on his own... tough shit. Does he think you enjoy it all the time?! Go and do your events and let him sulk...

I've read through quite carefully but apologies if I have missed the explanantion!

Op is in her own words 'about to turn 39', she wants to earn another 22 before she hits 40, so that is 18 races in 12 months (although 2 of those are as a family), plus' weekly evening run and plans to do more when the light evenings come.
How does this equate to 6 days??

OP if you are wanting to do more running could you get a treadmill or cyclocross trainer and install it in your house? Running on a TM is boring all the time but once a week is okay and would help you build more fitness whilst still being around?

Op has 22 medals. 18 to go by December (end) of 2018. So 18 races in nearly 2 years. It equates to 9 half days per year, some of which can involve the children as well.

I see the thread has moved on since I started typing my post.
So, it's nothing to do with the running at all and everything to do with fact that he'd have to do childcare?
How awful and embarrassing that hevcan't look after his own children on his own.

"he won't let us get a family cycle carrier so that we can go on family bike rides together. The youngest two are too young to be safe on a road yet. "

I'm sorry, he won't let you? Why does this need his permission exactly? Is he controlling and that's why he doesn't like you doing this? I reckon it's a combination of him being controlling, he doesn't want you having something for yourself and he doesn't want to parent his own bloody children.

I have to ask why the hell you are with such a manchild tbh.

So will he get four half days away from the children over the next year? And do you look after the children while he's doing that?

OP, my DP loves his running, and while I do find it takes up a lot of his free time and leaves me with the DC more, I try to support him because 1) it's his hobby and he's entitled to some time to himself, and 2) not running seems to make him so tense and grumpy! I really notice the change in him when he can't get out for a run (say when he's injured), and generally think he's much happier when he can get out for a good run.
He does 2 or 3 events a year, but also runs a half marathon most weekends (route of his own devising), and then keeps up his miles running to/from work a few times each week (obviously he has shower facilities at work). Would running to work be an option for you, instead of running in the evenings?
I don't think YABU at all. Everyone needs a hobby and the time to pursue it.

He's welcome to RoganJosh - he's often away overnight with work too. I encourage him a lot to go and visit friends, take up a hobby, etc etc. I can't force him to do things but wish he wouldn't try and stop me doing things on occasion. He gets a lot of time away from the children as it is. You'd think he'd be keen to spend time with them on the weekend!

No, I can't run to work. It takes me half an hour to drive there - along a not very good route for running - and I'd have to leave at an insane time in the morning (I already leave at 7.30 as it is). I'm a primary teacher so there are no shower facilities at school either.

Hmmm. It depends on how honest you are being here about how much time it really takes.

My DH cycles. The year I finally put my foot down and said enough events, he'd booked seven (so same as you).

It's not just the day of the event, it's the planning, the training (you really are doing all these events on one training run a week?) the money spent in kit, event fees. Travel expenses etc.

It's sheer amount of family time revolving round one person's sport. I'm perfectly happy to look after my children but it's also nice to spend time as a family, even if you aren't doing anything in particular.

And no, standing on the side lines in the cold/wet with bored small children waiting for a flash of Mummy/Daddy going by is not a fun way to spend an afternoon.

I found that the more events agreed to the more were planned - which is exactly what you are doing, it's going to go from 6 a year to 11 a year to get your 40 completed.

My DH took my feelings on board and we have a much better balance now. He still cycles a lot (about 10 hours a week) but it fits in with our life better and he has cut down his events.

I wasn't "jealous" of his sport, as some people have said of your DH. I just missed him, as did the kids.

This could be my own post! I run with a club once a week. I have lined up about 6 events so far this year too where DP will have to look after DS. He doesn't like it but won't say so...he has his own hobbies, plays for a pool team twice a week. Fair is fair. You have given your OH plenty of opportunity to go and take up a hobby, it's not your fault he doesn't. Even if it was one weekend day a month that's fine too!

YANBU and are setting a great example for you children IMO.

Ah! I think you mean the end of your forty-first year (ie when you have your forty one)(but even so that is 22 races in 24 months and that does not equate to 6 a year!
The one the kids are involved I am guessing he needs to turn up to supervise and trying to entertain them,as they will presumably do the fun run and you do the 10k or whatever.
To the poster who said about families coming to watch. Don't for a minute imagine it is fun for the kids or your DH to give up their sunday trailing off in the car and then standing in the cols for an hour plus for the enjoyment of 2 monutes cheering you on at the end.Then all the hanging about chatting and then trailing back in the car.friendly watching a parent take part in their sport and definitely not after the first time.

Hmmm. It depends on how honest you are being here about how much time it really takes.

I am being totally honest. I am out of the house for a total of 1.5 hours on a Monday night (when the kids are in bed). The races are all local - 15 min drive into town, event takes 3 hours max (that's for a tri or half marathon type event but most of mine are 10Ks) so yes, I am being honest about the time. There isn't any planning involved because they are all so local. I don't need any extra kit.
I have almost 2 years to complete 18 events, so that's 9 events a year (or 9 whole weekend days out of 730, but some of those are with kids too). I will do more runs in the evenings when it's lighter, but nothing longer than an hour and only when the kids are in bed and no more than 3 a week in total. I'm not bothered about my times, I just like to get round and finish and my core fitness level enables me to do this on my current regime.

OK - no-one seems to be reading my OP properly (or maybe it's not clear).

Here's the time scale for my medal challenge (40 before I finish being 40).

Last March, turning 38: (having already got about 10 medals in previous years) I'd like to get 40 medals before I finish being 40
2017: Current total 22 medals
End goal: Feb 2019

Total time to gain remaining 18 medals: 24 months

Does he feel that he is already doing extra domestic/child care due to your PGCE? Or does he feel that the PGCE is already eating into family time and the running is on top of this I.e. Taking the piss?