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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH too high-maintenance?

554 replies

anonymousother · 21/02/2017 10:20

I have no idea if IABU given the wider scheme of things.

Basically, DH is an extreme workaholic and I had to accept long ago that there's very little I can do about this because he becomes highly defensive and I feel out of my depth. He runs his own companies and has no concept of any division between work and family time, but again, this has become normal to me. Also I appreciate it facilitates our lifestyle, so can't really complain.

We have DS1 (12), DD1 (11) and DD2 (9).

My main AIBU is about DH's "moods" which can be quite volatile and very much influenced by frustrations at work, etc. At times, it seems like his mood fluctuates in line with the FT Index, it really does! So because he is so highly strung, I feel like I can't criticise him at all really. He doesn't take critcism well at all, unless I'm really careful. I also have had to compensate for his stress levels at home because I'm aware of the impact it could have on the DC. So basically, I do my best to keep him on an even-keel.

I tend to give him info about the DC on a "need to know basis" and choose a time when he is likely to be receptive. In contrast, he will almost daily want to offload about work to me and will expect me to drop everything at any given moment and give him my full attention for the duration. He gets annoyed, for instance, if he feels I'm not looking at him, even if I'm obviously in the middle of doing something else.

When he's stressed he tends to "nit -pick" about ridiculous things and it wears me down. For instance, yesterday he went on an 8 hour bike ride (one of his many hobbies) and as as he was on his way out he said to me, "There is dust in the top of that door frame" Hmm. Or this morning, DD1 was close to tears about going to school because her friend is being mean to her and it was the general bustle of trying to get 3 DC out the door - meanwhile, from him, it's "Where did you put xx shirt" (when it's in the wardrobe in front of his eyes) and "Did you not have time to do the windows?" and other pointless questions which feel like digs and could just wait.

I should add that the house is NOT dirty or a mess. I have a cleaner twice a week and I clean / tidy up in between. I never ask him to take any house related stuff on, but when he's in one of his moods he will find the one thing I forgot to do.

In contrast, I know DH would do anything for me. He's very kind and extremely generous, very affectionate, always tells me he loves me and so on. All my friends think he's fantastic.

AIBU because, on balance, I'm very fortunate. Should I continue to let a lot of things go over my head or should I start to challenge him more?

OP posts:
TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 24/02/2017 13:55

could he BE anymore patronising??

I suggest you focus his mind at dinner with "I'll just say I believe the conclusion of this particular chat is whether or not I wish to remain married to you so if you could pay attention...."

TENSHI · 24/02/2017 13:58

You need to be YOU or it will do your head in.

I would write it all down if I were you, schedule an appointment with him and treat it as a business meeting. That would probably be more in his comfort zone and be more receptive to it.

May be email all your concerns in bullet points and write down your suggestions as to how to proceed so that it doesn't leave him high and dry.

Put a time frame in.

Mean business or you will get fobbed off with a smooch smothering.

NoSquirrels · 24/02/2017 14:01

he can't handle it too well if I'm upset

He's an adult. People get upset. He needs to deal with it.
It's not your responsibility to suppress your emotions so he can be "OK".

it's all about him again

Yeah. You can see this, but I think you really just don't want to address it.
Which is your choice, of course - but this thread is so long because lots of people are saying they couldn't live with this scenario (regardless of the comfortable financial lifestyle) as it would kill their self-esteem.

I don't know you, and you don't know me , so we just have words on a screen to go on. But to me, you come across as very emotionally suppressed/subdues, that you've spent so long repressing and regulating the emotional atmosphere for your DC that you don't actually know what you want or need anymore. I could be way off the mark, and I do not intend to offend, but you really come across as extremely passive and "accepting of your lot" and I can't read much happiness or unhappiness in your posts - it just sounds as if you exist, this is how life is, you're pretty sure it's just inevitable that it's this way, and is it really a problem? Hmm, it's probably not a problem is it - or maybe it is, because I posted about it?

You should figure out what you want, and then you will know how to go about asking your DH for what you need.

Original poster
anonymousother · 24/02/2017 14:03

Tondelaya - he actually does do that quite a lot. Asks for the conclusion to what I'm going to say first. It's actually very annoying and bizarre and then I can't be bothered saying anything when he like that.

OP posts:
TENSHI · 24/02/2017 14:07

UGH!

Op you must feel perpetually humiliated that your dh doesn't want to hear your drivel and just wants you to get to the point!!

UGH

Honestly op you'd get more respect if you were inside for 25 years talking to the prison guard!

Original poster
anonymousother · 24/02/2017 14:19

Tonight we'll be out and he'll be lovely. This is what does my head in.

Nosquirrels - thanks. If I sound passive it's because this is my life and I don't want to leave him and I genuinely don't know what to think about some aspects of it.

TENSHI - what you describe is actually the best way to communicate with him, particularly when he in work mode.

OP posts:
gandalf456 · 24/02/2017 14:21

How assertive are you? Not very from what I can deduce from this thread. For most of us, itwould come naturally to challenge our partners when they don't let us speak or when they act like our boss. Start thinking you're worth more and then you will start acting as if you are. Just because you are at home, it doesn't mean you are not worthwhile as a person. You are a good mum and a supportive spouse and that counts for a lot.

NoSquirrels · 24/02/2017 14:21

Perhaps you should explore some counselling for yourself, a space in which to work everything through with someone to help you dig into it a bit?

Original poster
anonymousother · 24/02/2017 14:26

I think I have a different dynamic with him than anyone else. With friends and in general life I don't feel as if I have any issues at all. Nobody stresses me out, I don't let much get to me and my friends are great. I get on with most people easily and am very social and quite confident in general.

OP posts:
Original poster
anonymousother · 24/02/2017 14:30

Anyway. I'm sorry to be going on and sounding clueless. If I don't get anywhere with him in the near future, he will have to come for counselling with me if it comes to that. Thanks.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 24/02/2017 14:31

So, in summary: you are sure you love him, wish to remain married, but want more respect and for him to change the way he treats you/the family by managing his emotions better and thinking more of others - about right?

NoSquirrels · 24/02/2017 14:33

So, if he couldn't/wouldn't change the way he reacts/treats you, you would still be happy to stay married to him in this life? Or you would leave?

Original poster
anonymousother · 24/02/2017 14:38

Yes. I need him to be more emotionally available and on my terms, not just his. I need him to stop being OTT. I need him to stop all his defensive behaviour because he can never appear vulnerable in any way.
I can't deconstruct him overnight, I realise this, but maybe a few things would make a difference.

OP posts:
Original poster
anonymousother · 24/02/2017 14:46

In answer to the second question, I'm not ready to give up because I do love him and can't envisage leaving at this point. It would have to be sheer hell for me to consider that tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
anonymousother · 24/02/2017 14:48

Thankyou for helping me get that far!

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 24/02/2017 14:52

I really think this would be useful to discuss with trained counsellor. You're basically looking for a tool kit of how to get through to your husband so that he communicates with you on as an equal.

It sounds as if there is love on both sides. So with hard work, why should your communication not be fixable?

NoSquirrels · 24/02/2017 14:54

Yup - counsellor for you first, not jointly yet. As money and time (assuming school-age kids) is no issue, I would work through things yourself first, then go from there.

Original poster
anonymousother · 24/02/2017 15:02

Thanks. He would be like a fish out of water in a counselling scenario. He's very private about his feelings and he doesn't do emotional. The thought of it is actually making me laugh in a weird way. But if that's what it takes.

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 24/02/2017 15:06

You sound a bit star struck by him tbh. I was once with a man like this and I left. You know he will never change and you come across as quite enjoying it.

Original poster
anonymousother · 24/02/2017 15:08

Vladimir - I'm not "star struck". I've been with him since I was 25.

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 24/02/2017 15:18

Probably reason even more so why you're so star struck. This is all you've ever known. I was with my then partner since I was 22 - he was very successful too. Whenever he'd upset me I didn't just get an apology - I got a trip to Rome and Chanel earrings. Next week, lo and behold nothing had changed. I could have stayed on and enjoyed it but I chose my sanity and self-respect.

Pallisers · 24/02/2017 15:21

To be honest he sounds quite damaged to me. My guess is his childhood was difficult, his father was traumatised by his emigration, he boarded early on and very early on learned to maintain iron control over everything in his surroundings and focus entirely on his own success in order to keep the emotional shit from his childhood at bay. I doubt he felt he could rely on anyone but himself so he was his top priority always.

He is still maintaining this control and focus on himself which probably works fine in the workplace (although I bet there are a few perceptive colleagues or subordinates who have their theories about him) but isn't so successful in a family situation.

He does seem to love you and on one level he seems to respect you -well he certainly says he does but he just doesn't act with respect. Again, another guess, but I think he relies on your unquestioning support because his damaged emotions aren't mature enough to deal with a questioning, equal, emotional relationship. This is why you are so exhausted from it all - not only does he demand an intense focus that sucks up all the energy and air in the relationship and home but you are aware that he is doing this because he isn't strong enough for the alternative - which is in itself a lot of pressure on you.

If this man went into therapy, my guess is there is a lot of shit that will come out.

OP, I agree with the other posters. You should go to a therapist yourself and work out your own priorities and needs. Maybe he can change - people do, but they have to want to change and that will only happen your husband if he realises that there is no other choice - it is change or lose.

In the end my biggest concern is with your children. You are an adult and this relationship gives you something - at any rate, you chose it and are choosing it. Your children have no choice. This is their father and this is the dynamic they see every day. From their comments it is having a serious impact. Walking on eggshells isn't a comfortable way to be in your own home. If you split from him, you solve your problems but not your childrens' - they still have to relate to him as a father. It makes him becoming aware of his own issues and behaviours even more important.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/02/2017 15:38

I'm talking about counselling for you. I think you already said he wouldn't do it. You need, I think, strategies to deal with him and a toolkit. If you change your behaviour, he will have to change his.

I can see now why he is hanging on by a thread. His family history sounds very tough. It will have had a profound affect on him.

Original poster
anonymousother · 24/02/2017 15:38

Palliders - I feel like I should pay you or something for that.
I'm just collecting DD, but that's so perceptive. Thankyou!

OP posts:
mummymeister · 24/02/2017 15:57

Its useful that you have worked out that you love him and want to stay because this is a good starting point.

but way back I posted about your children and I think you owe it to them to do something about this.

don't leave it. don't let it drift and think something will come up and it will change. he is in for one hell of a shock when they hit their teens, get this sorted before then for everyones sake.